Part 19: by StarkRavingMad

Winter - 1055:

I've started project "Fuck The World", a top secret attempt to funnel magma to the outside. I'll kill those elephants. I'll kill all those fucking elephants.

I don't know if I'll have time to finish it, though. I've also started project "Get Me The Fuck Out of Boatmurdered" and I'm hoping to finish that one by the end of the year.

Remember how I told you that I ran into some miner, claiming to be the former ruler of the place? Well, that's just how the sneaky bastard got out of here, I finally figured it out. And I'm taking that same route, as soon as I can.

See, I just convince some poor cocksucker to say he's me. Enough platinum and he'll go for it. And then I slip right the fuck out of town. Easy as pie. I already found someone who looks enough like me for it to work, I just have to wait for the right moment to escape this elephant-ridden hellhole.

The elephants don't seem to be leaving. They love their stench and miasma-filled tunnel. So, still, no one can go outside. All the wood is outside, which means my carpenters don't have a lot to do right now. But I know if I cracked the front door for them to get to the wood, they'd go fucking RUNNING down to the elephant tunnel to say hello to their gigantic angry tusked friends. On the brighter side, we have plenty of beds, since most of their previous fucking occupants are now dead, so we don't need the carpenters to make much right now.

And you know, sometimes you think it really can't get much worse...and then it does.

HELLO BOYS

are you kidding me? I'm supposed to be scared of a little fucking goblin siege? I'm already trapped in the fortress by four legendary elephants. Shit, I'm just hoping you assholes manage to kill the elephants for me. I'll give you a fucking medal.

The worst thing you could do to me would be to open the door, causing the lemming rush of death down the elephant tunnel again. Come on, bring it on.

Apparently the elephants don't mind the goblins. They're best friends. "Oh, you here to beat up the dwarves? Well, by all means, go on through, be our guest! We'll just be out here chewing on these dwarf bones if you need us!"

The goblins are totally confused by all this and have decided to go stand around by the channel. "Hey, the sign on the door says closed. Shit. Bob, I thought you said it was open until 9 on Saturdays? What do we do? Maybe we should ask the elephants, they seem to have killed a lot of them."

The goblins just lazily took a few potshots at a stray cat still wandering around out front, and then they just stayed out in the Elephant Tunnel. I think they're starting their own little town in there, elephants and goblins living together in peace and harmony, joined only by burning hatred for dwarves.

Operation Fuck The World has failed, I struck water with my aqueduct and the channel to the outside is now filled with water. Whoever comes after me may try and continue the project, they'll just have to route to a different tunnel. Or they may try to build up the military enough to where they can do a frontal assault on the elephant and goblin army. Me, I'm past fucking caring.

You see, spring has sprung, and I'm taking my fucking chance to get out of town. That poor sucker will take my name, and by the time they figure out he's not me and he's just some hooplehead who can't run a wagon much less a fortress, I'll be long gone. New name, new town, new fortune. Nothing's worth staying here. I'm leaving this journal in the desk in the Overseer's office. To whoever finds this journal, good fucking luck to you.

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Although I wouldn't be surprised if the next person decided to revert to Locus' save instead. It wasn't even opening up the road and the bridge that did it, because the elephants and goblins still came in through the trap channel, the problem was just that I forgot to make new cages to reset the traps in the lower channel. So only one or two of them were live, and when like 12 elephants came crashing through, there wasn't much I could do. Then they got into that loop of trying to get to the dead dwarves' stuff and dying themselves, and even sending in the military just caused more losses. It was a pretty ugly round, although I think I did accomplish some good stuff, particularly moving the production and storage facilities inside and getting a couple new nobles installed.

The place isn't a total loss, just so long as you, you know, don't open the front door. But you may be able to muster up enough of an army to overcome it, or do a lava flood of the exterior, or just pray a human caravan with some badass swordsmen comes through. Aside from the whole goblin and elephant siege, the fortress is in pretty good shape, there's plenty of food, sleeping space, and production for survival. It's just a matter of clearing the exterior. Right now you're going to see a lot of error message spam, since some dwarves are trying to do things that require going outside and there's no path to it. Good luck no matter what you decide to do with it.