Drakengard

Strap in, kids. It's going to get fucking weird...

What the hell is a Drakengard?
Drakengard is a third person beat-em-up/aerial shooter released in September of 2003 for the Sony Playstation 2. It...somehow...saw a really crappy sequel in 2005 for the same console. The title in question is a dark fantasy (and I don't mean Bioware's Mickey Mouse definition of the term word. There is nothing lighthearted to be found in this game. At all.) centering around a bloodthirsty sociopath named Caim as he struggles to murder the shit out of the evil Empire and the increasingly batshit crazy forces lurking in the shadows behind them.

Jun Iwasaki, president and chief executive officer of Square-Enix USA, described Drakengard as a "perfect hybrid of genres" due to its blend of action, character growth influenced by role-playing games, and a "solid story that binds it all together". According to him, the game is intended to appeal to gamers looking for a "deeper action game".

Jun Iwasaki is a fucking idiot. Drakengard is a terrible game -- absolutely awful. It isn't fun. At all. There is no fun to be found here. Look elsewhere for fun. It is a muddy hybrid of a half-assed Dynasty Warriors clone meets a poor man's knock off of Panzer Dragoon coupled with an unbearably dull grind fest.

So, why should you care? I'll tell you why. Drakengard is a product of the Enix half of Square-Enix (it was developed prior to the merger). However, the actual development was farmed out to a little company called "Cavia Inc." Cavia is a little development sweatshop which Enix, Capcom, and assorted anime license holders throw games to for a quick buck. Capcom, in particular, commissioned a game which is near and dear to my heart:

Resident Evil: Dead Aim

Those familiar with that particular spin-off title ought to know of the depths of

we are diving to. For those unprepared...strap in...

No... What the hell is a Drakengard?
Oh... I have no idea. The game was titled "Drag-On Dragoon" in Japan. A fitting name, really. Some marketing suit decided that had a negative sound to it and thus the nonsense word of Drakengard was dubbed the new title. It was probably that prick Jun Iwasaki. That guy is such an asshole.

What's so "What the Fuck" worthy about this game?
Take your pick: Exploding fairies, a stage devoted to killing children, giant magic eggs, a fifty story tall little girl, nukes, apocalypse by evil clones, a variety of the less pleasant "-philia" types, Notspain. All are just the tip of the iceberg.

Hey, what happened to finishing Onimusha 3?
~~I'll go back and finish Onimusha 3 after I finish this.~~ That thread was considered haunted and there is a certain buffer to be had when dealing with specters, ghouls, and other assorted malevolent spirits. Also, I wasn't having fun with it so meh.

There is more that is going to crop in this section but let's just get started. Don't be fooled by the humble beginnings...

What's are stance on spoilers in here?
I don't care if you talk about them. Just use spoiler tags or a warning if you're linking to something that is a spoiler. Unmarked spoilers of junk we've yet to get to will piss me off. Don't be a jerk. (Edit: This is now an official rule on the subforum.)