Part 20: Three Sewer Mafia

Three Sewer Mafia

Last time, on ATOM RPG, we lured a dangerous drug lord out to an isolated spot where we could maybe kill him. However, this being ATOM RPG, it was less cleverly luring him out and more him being a complete idiot because God forbid the player character show anything resembling intelligence.



: You crossed the wrong people, Tawfik. Time to die. [Attack]



The melee build turns combat into EZ mode, so we one-shot Tawfik and take all his drugs.




We can also talk our way out of most human enemy random encounters, and I just decide to do that because they're tedious and shitty.



This encounter is a bit different, so I'll show it off.



There are two indistinguishable enemy groups fighting each other. It's the same old tedious ATOM combat that makes me miss Tyranny. Sure, the combat was boring, but the atmosphere was great which is more than I can say about ATOM.



We kill about 4 badguys and have to search this giant map. For reference, that square above the sword is the edge of our movement range, and there are still 2 more screens, and no, you can't zoom out.



This fucko is standing behind the rocks doing nothing except prolonging combat. I know I have emphasized repeatedly that this game is tedious dogshit, and I want to reiterate that.



This fucker wanders out from wherever he was fantasizing about death and we grant his wish.



Our dog levels up. He's still horribly underleveled, because again, the developers spent all the mental time they had developing game systems to write horribly stereotyped characters.





: That's just what I wanted to talk about.

: [The man puts his hands on the table]

: That's what I want to hear. How did it go?

: If Tawfik Mozambique was a language, he would be Latin.

: You killed him? Oh, that's wonderful! Those bastards need to learn they're on the wrong side of the Wastes. They'll be much safer growing beets for a living, on their beet farms.

: [The man hands you a few bills]



: [Speechcraft] I killed him and you're giving me scraps, man!



: That's much better. Gimme! [Take the money]

: Don't spend it all in one place.

: [The man gives you an almost fatherly look and sighs]



: I'm all ears.



This adds nothing except transcription time for angry Let's Players.



: I respect them a whole lot. Americans are a noble people.

: Uh huh... That was unexpected. Although no matter what you feel about them, it doesn't concern the mission.

: You're making your old father weep, child. How could you betray me like this?

: I don't know whether you know it or not, but the Last War was pretty short. When the nukes were launched, it was over instantly. But there was a time before the launch, a few months of skirmishes and small conflicts all around the globe.

: Many still remember the battle for the Berlin Wall. But many other battles were kept secret from the people. For example, have you ever heard the story of a secret American special forces squadron airdropped somewhere in the Mountain Pass of Woes, before the war officially started? It has been said they even destroyed a column of Soviet military vehicles that's still rusting away somewhere to this very day.

I'm not sure how the fuck the Americans could airdrop anything into the country that shot down Gary Powers, but what do I know?



: Oh damn. Those bastards are hiding among us, huh?

: Yeah, yeah, but that's not the main problem. I don't care about them.



That's an odd request.

: Why do you want it, to put up over your fireplace?



: Uh huh. And who is the buyer, if I may ask?



That name sounds familiar. Where have we seen it before?

: Hmm... So what do you want from me?



Peregon is where we met the Redlettermedia Pizzagate guys, but we never made it into the city proper. It's shit.

: What will I get for the deed?



: Yes, I'll go find the guy.



: Hope you're right. Well, I'm off.


Anyway, we've seen that name before. Can you guess where?



That's right! It's the list of Pizzagate customers we found at the RLM "Lamb Barbeque" joint.



Off to Peregon!



Are you ready for some cheery "lore"?



There are four notes from a fisherman about his struggle with "Big Barry" the fish after the bombs fell.



FUCK you for tainting Moby Dick with this shitty game. There's two more notes about how he hates Big Barry and then this:





RIP Big Barry, may you find a better game.



We need to talk to this desk-bound bureaucrat before we can enter Peregon proper.





He sells tickets and waves off attempts at questioning with having to do all the paperwork. We buy five. Each is good for one entry to Peregon, and we'll be back for quests.



This guy's a scammer.



This guard is a jackass who checks the pass.



We're treated to a cutscene when we get in where the merchants on the left and the guards on the right scream at each other over who deserves to be in charge.



They get real snippy and the speaker above stays around to offer him a quest.



We run right past him. You guys voted to do that quest later, and right now we're doing sewer mafia, then Dan's questline with a brief surprise interlude to wait for a timer.



Peregon proper is divided into these tents and then this rusted old cargo ship.



We fail an int check and are locked out of this man's quest. RIP!



This overly friendly merchant greets us when we arrive, and we buy all his cigarettes and tobacco.



This guy wants us to tell him about Otradnoye and gets offended when we call him a raider.



This is the man we want.

: Umm... Hi there. You want something?



: Why so nervous, buddy?

: Nervous? Nah!. Nah, I just have this cold, you know... Harsh cold winds are a constant near Peregon.

: [The man laughs uncomfortably and loudly sniffs]



: Why are you hiding your shoulder like that, buddy? You wounded?

: [The man shakes a bit and hides his eyes from you]



: Quit lying man. What are you hiding? Maybe a tattoo?

: Damn it... Fine. Here. Look.

: [The man pulls down the collar of his shirt and shows you a high quality tattoo - a bald eagle with wings spread wide, soaring above the words "Death before Dishonor". After showing you the tattoo, the man hides it again]



: Hmm... Looks like an American special forces tattoo.

: [The man pales and takes a step back from you]

: How do you know? God damn it, just don't tell anyone, okay?

: Gotcha. Cracked you like a nut! And to think that scum like you would use our noble, Soviet bird, the white head sea hawk, as a symbol of such terrible, treacherous deed! This tattoo needs to be re-done with the visage of the Devil instead of the bird! It should depict Baal-Zebub, the Lord of flies and capitalists!

Bold words from a fictionalized version of a guy who wrote the manifesto for a coup against the Soviet government.



: How did you learn our language so well?

: [The man rubs his hands together, as if cold]



: So, how do you like living among the enemy?

: [The man gives out a sad laugh]



: I see. Well, time to end this conversation...



: How many Soviet people have you killed during the war? Plenty, I'm betting...

: It was war, okay? What, you want me to beg for forgiveness? You wanna shame me with that shit? What does it all matter now, especially to you. The war is over. No more "us" and no more "them. We're one international nation. Not like the Soviets planned it, but still...

: Amigo, let's go. You're not planning to kill this hombre for some stupid reward, right? Last time I checked even you weren't such a cold bastard.

: My child. My Soviet Soldier... Bear Bearovitch the protector of Communism! I understand your dilemma. Know, that your old father will support you no matter what... But think about it. Even though he is not of our proud stock, since communists cannot physically be cowards, killing him for some perverted capitalist doesn't sound like a true and honest action.



: Bare your shoulder for me. Time for a little removal operation...



: [Speechcraft] While it's on your body, you will forever be a target. It won't even hurt. Probably.

: [Success] Oh boy, am I gonna regret it. Fine. Cut away!

: [With a trembling hand, the man gives you a razor ship shiv, and you stick it into his shoulder with a fast stabbing motion. The man looks at the metal object protruding from his body for a second, and then bites into his lip. The pain is getting to him fast]



I just want to remind you this quest is to mutilate or kill a man on behalf of a man who patronizes child sex traffickers.

: [First Aid] Now let's get that wound treated.



: Well, at least he lived. Scars are a man's pride, and all that.




Every time you leave Peregon the jackass guard taunts you when you go too far and your ticket expires.



We are also carrying around this tattoo so that we can, once again, turn it over to a guy who's a possible cannibal, murderer, and/or pedophile.





Charming man.

: Yes, the skin with the tattoo is right here, as ordered.

: Bravo, my savior! The client was getting a bit nervous. Give it to me. Careful... Don't mess it up. There.

: [You carefully hand over the piece of skin, and he gently places it in a small metal box, the inside of which reeks of strange chemicals.

: Awesome.

: [The box closes with a soft click and he hides in in a cubby hole in the stone floor. Turning back to you, the man smiles and reaches into his pocket]

: I believe you are waiting for your reward? I've got you covered, my friend. Here's 1000 rubles for the job, as well as a 100 ruble bonus.





: This stuff definitely won't hurt. Thanks a bunch.

: [You take both the money and the ammo. This stuff will almost definitely come in handy on your adventure]



: Sure. Tell me what you want me to do.

: It's no secret to anyone, apart from the desperately stupid, that I'm also deep into the drug trade. It's a lucrative and (if you know the right people) safe gig, much more stable than delivering tattooed skin to rich weirdos.

: Some small fry deals on the side independently, sure, but the caches me and my companions transfer are much better in both quality and size. Before the Secret Cabal decides to interfere with us, we have nothing to be afraid of.

: When we transfer our stuff through the Wastes, we never put our trust in only one courier. We're changing them out at specific spots. For example, there's a place called The Crossroads, near Krasnoznamenny. Couriers meet and exchange goods there. If nobody shows for the switch, the courier drops the goods into the hollow of a huge oak there.

I'm confused, why is bringing more people in a better idea for your secret drug transfer?



: Sure, I'll do it, but I expect a lot of cash in return.

: Not a problem. The drug trade pays well, trust me. I'm an expert. And now...

: [The smuggler gestures for you to take out your map. You fear he's going to draw another crude cross or burn a hole through it with a cigarette, but he just points to the location in question]

: Go there, and remember, if nobody meets you at the tree, dig around in the hollow.

: Uh huh. I should go.




So none of the non towns are actually labeled on the overworld, and you have to open the map screen for labels. Why? Who knows. Off to the crossroads!



This looks bad.



: [The object turns out to be a severed head of a fairly young man! His mouth is stuffed with a bloody piece of paper. Quickly, you throw the head back into the tree hollow, but keep the note]



: What an adventure this turned out to be.





We need to return and report to Simon.

: I'm not going to dance around the matter: the drugs are gone, your courier lost his head.

: [The smuggler shivers hearing the bad news, and blindly pushes a button on the radio, ending the conversation he was having before you showed up]



: I found a message stuffed into your decapitated courier's mouth. [Hand over the bloody note]

: [The man reads the note, looks around, sniffs at the paper, and finally shakes his head]



: I see you're not that surprised.



: What's his criminal record then? How dangerous is he really?

: He's had failures and victories in his time. He's tried it all. Planned a raid on Otradnoye with bandits from the Eastern Wastes, worked with a secret slaver gang in Peregon, sold ammo to the Thug Fortress. He even tried to join the Krasnoznamenny militia, but their boss showed him the door.

You're really proud of that Pizzagate quest, huh ATOM?



: What should we do about it?

: Don't rush me. I need to think.



Stupid virtual reality prose.

: This situation isn't going to be solved quickly. I need to talk to my colleagues first, maybe even try to contact Uncle Hook himself. He crossed the lines this time. I don't care so much about the life of one courier, but he stole a very big shipment of drugs. That's unforgivable.

We're about to be thrown under the bus, aren't we?

: Okay, I'm gonna go have a talk with my partners. Come back in a day or so, all right? Alright.

: Wait.




We can stay at the hotel with the rat meat special, but unfortunately Shpak isn't back when I check again. So I pick up another quest. You MIGHT not want to read this at work. To the brothel!



Oh no. Oh no.

: [Without turning his gaze away from you, the awkward stranger slowly licks his upper lip and moans...]

: What are you doing here, young man? I did not order sweets... But don't worry, I won't return such a succulent morsel back into the kitchen... That would be a true crime. Now then. My name is General Nasty. Doesn't mean I can't be tender, though.

I guess this was the general Igor knew. Also I'm not sure what's worse, the creepy sex shit or the ellipses.

: [The man slowly places the tip of his index finger on your chest]

: Is the boy here to join the ranks of the Army of Lovers..?



: Mmm... You want to play like that, old man..?

Where'd I put my cigs?

: Those oblong objects, of course, are toothbrushes. See how your teeth gleam and shine, ready to bite into the innocent flesh of my dear, humble, virginal child!

: Oh, that's what you meant...

: Oof... And this here is our local curiosity, Bear Bearovitch. They call him General Nasty.



As far as I know General Nasty is the only openly bisexual man in the game. Make of that what you will.

: What's that Army of Lovers you mentioned all about?

: [General Nasty lifts his head up, proudly]



: What is this thrusting you speak of?

: My strategy is so simple even a child would understand it. However, it's strictly for those of legal age. Have you ever heard this boring old theory, that as the civilization becomes more and more advanced, it also becomes more and more corrupt and morally bankrupt, normalizing sexual deviations, and praising those, who in all other times would be considered mentally ill degenerates!

HOO boy, fascism alert!



Sure, why not.

: Well, as long as I'm paid...

: Don't worry about a thing, darling. Now, onto the actors. First thing I'll need another man. Someone like Bamboola The Strongman from the local mutant circus. I heard he was also great at swallowing swords...

: We'll also need some pretty ladies. Praskovia Pie the Dominatrix, and the cute, innocent little tightrope acrobat Agafya (who has a lusty dark side) will do just right. They also reside in the circus.

Yes, Fallout 2 ALSO had a make a porn quest! Why do you ask?



Well, how could we possibly refuse?



: Fine, I'll go talk to those circus freaks.



On to the circus!



There's a bunch more stuff to do here so I'll hold off on the overview for now.



Screw you, lady.





: I was sent here by General Nasty of Krasnoznamenny. He wants you to join him on an adult movie set.

: [The Strongman scratches his head and asks:]



: Sure thing, brother! What kind of a porno doesn't star women?

: [Bamboola backs away from you, his face going pale]



Why have you forsaken me, oh Lord?



: Calm down, bro. I'll be back.


Alright, let's harass the local ladies.



: Is there something you need? I'm training for my tight rope routine. Name's Agafya Arkanova. I'm an acrobat.

: [When she stops talking, a terrible voice screeches out from her lower abdomen:]

: Hey Agafya, you damn cow! Who're you talking to? Some hot stallion, I bet! Don't drive this one away with your shy little girl routine, bitch! Hey lover boy, come closer!

: Agafya screams and shrinks away from you. She looks both insulted and violated, but that doesn't stop - or even slow down - the voice projecting from her lower body.

: Hey bully boy! ..if you're out there, I can't see shit from down here! Just strip off Agafya's clothes and let's start making babies!

: [Agafya angrily elbows herself in the stomach and the voice stops. After a pause to catch her breath, the girl continues in her own soft, shy voice:]



: What was that? Where was that voice coming from?

: Ummm.... What voice? What are you talking about?



Lame. I'm not cheating for this one.

: General Nasty asked me to ask you to star in an adult movie.

: Me? In an adult movie? Why, I'd never?

: [A grumpy, grating voice from the girl's lower abdomen suddenly calls out:]

: You stupid cow! You wouldn't even have to fucking do anything! I can take over! Now for the love of God, tell the General we agree!

: [Agafya screams at herself hysterically:]

: Are you mad? I'll do no such thing!

: [The voice from her abdomen calmly replies]

: Come on, Agafya. We can put a bag over your head or something. Let me enjoy myself for once, sister. Come on, please?

: [The bizarre disagreement between the girl and her rogue body continues like this for awhile. You don't know whether you're amused, or just uncomfortable. Finally, Agafya concludes the discussion with a nod]



: I bet the General will, like, make you a mask or something? See you later.

When does the player character speak like a valley girl?


Let's go pick up that Proskovia Pies lady.



: No, honey! You WILL fly through a ring of fire! You will, even if I have to feed you macaroni all week! Where did I leave my whip?

: [The wasp seems angry as it spins it's giant, silly looking head this way and that, but does not flee the cage. You've heard of talented animal trainers, but you've never seen someone train a wasp! The woman turns to you]



: General Nasty asked me to ask you to star in an adult movie.

: [Praskovia raises one eyebrow in surprise]

: That fat old clown whose ass I whipped every time I was in Krasnoznamenny? He wants to be recorded at his very lowest?



: [Speechcraft] Hey, little lady, I bet we can find you a man if we'll see you're serious![sic] Come to Krasnoznamenny!

: [Success]Damn that Nasty character... He may be an old, shriveled wretch, but he sure knows how to hire charismatic people. I'm in.


Let's go back to Bamboola.





: I was sent here by General Nasty of Krasnoznamenny. He wants you to join him on an adult movie set.



: [Speechcraft] The women will be there on the set, but you can ignore them.



Welp.

: I agree now! Ladies are so tiny, small, fragile... Bamboola break on accident. But men are strong, so Bamboola can do UGH UGH with them with no fear!

: Great, see you at the brothel.


Alright, let's get it over with.



: I can see your mission was a suck-cess, Private Hardbuns... You deserve a pron-motion! Yes... For being such a handy little soldier, I rank you Corp-Oral Handjob! Now there's only one thing left to decide... Will you become the fifth wheel in our little sex carriage? Think fast!

: And how about you, grandpa? Wanna show us how you did it in the 50s?



: Huh... Okay then...

: I will not attempt to stop this weird movie, but I won't participate either!

Fidel, no one asked you.



: I think I'll join you people.

: [General Nasty smiles and blows you a little kiss]



: Well... At least now I've got a story to tell to my grandchildren... After they turn 18...



Thank fuck we don't get a typical ATOM dev description of genitals touching.

: [The actors went back into the circus, and a sweaty, tired-looking, yet happy General Nasty gives you a shiny smile]

: Welp, it's done. The seed of free love was spilt into the gullet of local puritanical culture! The battle is won, the war is over, and General's little helper can finally get his reward. First off, here's 500 rubles. And now... A copy of the tape we made!

: [General Nasty hands you a VHS tape in a crude box. Right after that, he sticks 500 rubles between your body and the belt of your pants]



: Thank you, General. I'll try. And now I have to leave.






Wait, WHAT? They didn't at least count for the sexual partners counter? Lame!

On that note, we'll stop the update here and finish the Sewer Mafia quests next time.