Introduction
The Barracks (Be warned! This doc lists all of the units and support logs for this LP. There's plenty of spoilers!)
My website, for those who want to see more of the stuff I write. I'll post LP updates there, too, so keep an eye out for when I start new LPs after this one is finished.
CONTENTS
Part 1 - Unfortunately, No Robots (that's, uh, this post, you're here!)
Chapter 2 - Craig Fights A Tank
Chapter 3 - Quest For The Ultimate Disrespect
Chapter 4 - The Wilbert Murder Engine
Chapter 5 - Suicide Squad
Chapter 6 - A Tank Fights Michael
Chapter 7 - Things Go Well For Approximately One Mission
Chapter 8 - Meet Mulligan
Chapter 9 - Much-Needed Relaxation
Extra: Orange Star's Christmas Party
Chapter 10 - Larry Vs. Blue Moon
Chapter 11 - Oh The Weather Outside Is Frightful
Chapter 12 - Tina Hates Fog Of War
Chapter 13 - Artilleries Continue To Be The Best Unit In The Game
Chapter 14 - Carl Does The Thing
Chapter 15 - Shot Through The Heart
Chapter 16 - The Legend Of Shield Michael
Chapter 17 - A Shameful Display
Chapter 18 - Tactical Bernard Deployment
Chapter 19 - Hitting Things, But Like, REALLY Hard
Chapter 20 - Every Rose Has Its Thorn
Chapter 21 - This Is Complete Bullshit
Chapter 22 - Barry's Last Stand
Chapter 23 - We Are The Ones Who Will Never Be Broken
Chapter 24 - Eagle Attempts To Murder Dave
Chapter 25 - Nightmare Fuel
Chapter 26 - Strictly, This Was All Tina's Fault
Chapter 27 - The Best Unit In The Game’s Glorious Return
Chapter 28 - The Only Appearance Of Paul
Chapter 29 - An Endless Supply Of Hugs And Murder
Chapter 30 - Sonja Vs. Operation HQ Road Trip
Chapter 31 - Please Delete Your Search History
Chapter 32 - I Swear, Rose, I'm Not Trying To Kill You
Chapter 33 - The Worst Possible Reward
Chapter 34 - Fog Rolls In, Francis Rolls Out
Chapter 35 - Thank You, Satan
Chapter 36 - Drake's Son-Of-A-Bitchery Is Off The Charts
Chapter 37 - Up Ship Creek Without A Paddle
Chapter 38 - Jimmy's Bizarre Adventure: Golden Rin
Chapter 39 - You Just Activated My "Crap!" Card
Chapter 40 - My Dude's Theme Goes With Everything
Chapter 41 - The Plan In Action
Chapter 42 - Saving Private Alfonse
Chapter 43 - Once You Go Black, You Never Go Back
Chapter 44 - Michael Dies For The First Time In A While
Chapter 45 - Outgunned And Outnumbered, But Not Outboted
Chapter 46 - Raynald Of Châtillon Rides Again
Extra: The Night Before
Chapter 47 - This Is The Perfect Day To Die
Chapter 48 - Dimitri Gets Absolutely Fucked Up
Chapter 49 - An Impossible Victory
Chapter 50 - The Lucy Log Of A Stupid Strategy
***
PART 1 - Unfortunately, No Robots
…It begins. Which heroes of legend are we playing as today?
Andy, the Man Who Wields Two Wrenches! Or one really deformed wrench, I guess.
Max, the Big Guy With The Weirdest God Damn Hands!
Sami, the Ryu Cosplayer!
And with that…
Welcome, everyone, to Advance Wars, Fire Emblem’s weird ginger cousin! Whilst not as widely popular as the good ol’ Flame Medallion, Advance Wars does have a devoted, nigh-fanatical following. However, this is my first time ever playing it, so consider this a blind run of sorts.
Helloooo, nurse.
...Well, I guess I should fuck around with the name a bit more. I'll go with a classic.
Absolutely.
Right back at ya, brah.
i’m so sorry
Nell. A weird name, but like, not the weirdest name in the world. Nelly would have been worse.
Actually, it is my first time. Please be gentle.
She goes on to explain a bunch of game modes that we won’t be using. Let’s start the campaign already!
Alright, here we go, I’m ready, I’m gonna do it, I’m gonna impress you, Nell.
Alright, hit me.
Oh, like the Megaman Battle Network game? No? Sorry.
Frozen 2: Olaf Becomes A Military Commander.
How very professional of you.
Times The Name “My Dude” Didn’t Work As Expected: 1
IT'S TIME FOR WAR
nice
wait what
we’re starting just like that
ok, I guess we’re getting thrown into the action. Here we go!
First mission time!
Nell is pretty stylishly dressed, as an aside, but I hope this battle’s going to be happening in a field of violets, because she’s clearly not read up on how camouflage works.
And here we are; it’s day 1, apparently. I’ve been led to believe the days are basically just turns. But hey, if you got paid by the hour, you’d make one action take an entire day, too.
“Perfect for tutorials! That’s what it said in the brochure.”
Oh, this is going to go well.
Say hi to Steve and Barold. They’re gonna be our pals for the next few chapte- missions.
Sounds pretty simple to me!
Oh, god, I think she’s about to start tutorialising. Let’s just skip through that…
One thing I will say - Nell is incredibly polite for a tutorial lady. Usually it’s just commands, but here she is, saying ‘please’ like a real professional.
And so, we begin to move our units. Steve goes to fight the enemy!
Though, having performed a single walk of about three steps, Steve is subsequently too tired to do anything else and has thus become this greyish colour.
…Well done, Steve.
Yes!
Yes!
Let Barold run away! He’s too young for war!
Alright, Nell, we’ll play by your rules… THIS time. Just you wait.
Oh fuck, it’s Olaf! I assume.
The beard totally gives it away.
I’m surprised he can even see the battlefield through that beard of his.
no I’m not jealous
that’s ridiculous
The enemy cometh!
“Uh, guys, I’m kinda stuck on a mountain, I’ll be with you in a sec.”
No shit, Nell. You should’ve worn khaki.
Good to hear, I guess? It’s a tutorial mission, I can’t see it going too badly.
Steve lusts for blood!
So, that little percentage window, from what I can tell, is the rough percentage of HP we’ll take from the enemy by attacking. Units have 10 HP in this game, so attacking now should do about 5 damage to the opponent.
Whoa! Steve is actually five dudes. For convenience’s sake, let’s say they’re all called Steve.
“Blood for the blood god!”
“Fucking hell, Steve, no need to enjoy it quite that much.”
“SHUT UP PRIVATE”
Just like I’ll score… damage… on you… romantically?
Note to self: work on my pickup lines.
Alright, no Fire Emblem enemy-phase units here, then. Player phase is key!
Barold sweatily jogs over to finally put in some work.
Hey! The enemy’s HP is equal to the number of fucks I give about them! How cute.
“You did a murder!”
That’s true. Because if the commander was in the field, we’d be going after them instead of the foot soldiers.
I’m starting to think Olaf has some real emotional hang-ups that he needs to work through.
I’d be happy to help him…
Into an early grave.
Hm?
Motherfucker. Looks like the Steve Squadron isn’t as useful now.
Barold Brigade! Hop to it!
The Barold Brigade hops to it.
And it goes moderately well for us!
The Steve Squadron finishes.
And that's the map!
The only thing inconceivable here is, uh, how you got into a position of leadership with a beard as laughable as that.
…
…Nailed it.
Oh joy, we’re gonna be seeing a lot more of this tool, aren’t we?
Best name. 10/10.
Also, looks like I got an A Rank. I’m not too surprised, it was a 3-turn battle with very little freedom to screw up.
I’m sure that will change quite soon.
For the interested, Speed is based on turncount, Power is based on how much damage I did to the enemy, and Technique is based on how few units I lost.
Well, I think we have enough time for one more quick mission…
Damn, son.
Not to shit on your theory, Nell, but I’m not convinced Olaf is intelligent enough for a covert attack. He’s about as covert as a car alarm.
They're as good as dead.
Oh, man! The Barold Brigade and the Steve Squadron have new friends! Let’s say… the Dave Division and the Colin Corps. Yeah.
The next mission begins.
Already the map is looking a little more complex. ...Wait, those back two units look unfamiliar…
So… robots? Because they don’t look like robots.
Not robots.
You win this round, Google.
Oh, fantastic. No, really, keep brightening my day, Nell. I am having a whale of a fucking time here.
Any more good news you’d like to share with the class?
God damn you, Nell.
...Continue.
Barold does his thing.
It goes decently.
Colin, it’s your time to shine!
Is it - just taking a wild guess here - the big fuckoff mountain in the way?
Mountains cost more movement. That’s very Fire Emblem of you.
Ah well, I can just use the plains, I can avoid mountains pretty easil-
please stop tutorialising me
Colin murders people. It’s what he’s good at.
Ah, I see. We took less retaliatory damage this time. Mountains aren’t terrible after all.
You're a four.
Uh. Out of five. That is.
That’s right, ladies, I’m here all week.
Uh, what? Oh. Yep. I sure was listening.
Steve unloads his gun into the enemy’s face.
And down here, Dave initiates on this poor sap.
A perfect victory.
YOU SUCK, OLAF
YOU PIECE OF FUCK
Oh, right, he might have a point. I did put some of my infantry in the mechs’ ranges. That may be a problem.
Doesn’t being in charge mean being able to competently command an army? Olaf, buddy, I think you’re misinformed about what being in charge means.
It means ‘not being useless’.
Oh fuck. Let’s just hope they don’t do too much damage and take ‘em on the next day.
OK, they hurt.
Hang in there, Steve Squadron.
DEFENSIVE COVER, YOU DID NOTHING
Well, OK, you reduced damage a bit, but still.
Thanks, Nell. I would not have figured that out.
That's a very casual way of saying "Mech units fucking rock your world like there's no tomorrow, don't they?"
I have a few questions.
a) Am I actually capable of killing them, and b) when do I get some of my own?
Just gonna ignore me, huh.
Fine.
I GET IT, NELL. PLEASE LET ME DO THIS.
THANK YOU.
Yes!
Alright, Olaf, time to treat your men like two bottles of vodka treat a liver.
Ah, OK. Movement costs are shown here, but any units that can’t traverse a terrain type at all are excluded from the list. Treads and tires don’t seem to like mountains, to the surprise of absolutely nobody.
The first round of combat goes quite well.
Steve takes the forest’s cover and goes on the offensive...
But it was not worth it. The Steve Squadron is in serious danger of being killed next turn.
Down below, things go a little better, due to the more prevalent mountain cover.
We’re just shy of grabbing the kill, though.
And now it’s Olaf’s turn. This… could go badly...
Wait, what?
He didn’t even attack?
...Wow, the tutorial did not want the player to fail this mission, huh. Alright, time to finish this guy off.
The one down south is taken care of.
Also, I haven’t mentioned it yet, but the fact that the enemies blow up violently when you kill them is hilarious.
And the one up north is easily dispatched. We’re done here!
Actually, it was thanks to the enemy mechs just flat-out refusing to attack me last turn. That helped a lot.
You could’ve shot me. With your guns.
If only you had guns to shoot me with! That would’ve helped a lot!
YES.
BY USING GUNS.
AND FUCKING SHOOTING ME WITH THEM.
Times The Name “My Dude” Didn’t Work As Expected: 2
Next time, we shall capture some bases, apparently.
(The length of that scroll bar is looking kinda terrifying right now. Just how many tutorial missions are there?)