Part 3: The Wilbert Murder Engine

PART 4 - The Wilbert Murder Engine

Welcome back once again! On today's update, we finally get to learn our APC ABCs, which I'm sure some mission namer at IS was really pleased about. I bet he got a raise for that excellent punnery.

Speaking of superiors being pleased with their subordinates...



Hey, nice to get some recognition for my excellent tactical decisions. Definitely haven't caused the death of numerous men.



This is a lot of good news, Nell. Are you feeling OK?



I don't even know what that is and I'm already excited. Sounds like it murders things a lot, and I am down with that!



You're being too nice, Nell. What's the catch?





i'm concerned



Keep up this trend of good news, Nell.



Hey, it was good news! I guess I should have predicted that though, since this mission literally has APC in the title. Ah well.



...What's up with the artillery unit?



Alright, let's do it! Our friendly APC unit is the Michael Multitude, led by Michael. And - you guessed it - populated by Michaels.



The pun in the title is kind of funny, but it just looks like someone slapped a keyboard when they were naming this mission.



And here's our battlefield for today. They're slowly getting more complex.







This is called "Nell ruins all the goodwill I had towards her at the start of this mission in three screenshots". It'll go up in the screenshot hall of fame one day.



That's rough. Admittedly, I didn't realise units had a limit on ammo and fuel up until this point, so I guess it's handy to know.



God damn it.

"Sorry, guys." the man controlling the mighty artillery says. He shrugs, and the rest of the army just stare blankly at him.

"Nah, it's not your fault." a Colin says with a smile. "Who are you, anyway?"

"In our prime, we were the leading artillery division of Orange Star. The Wilbert Warriors. But now we aren't nearly as powerful." Wilbert replies.

"So, what, you're the Jeigan?" asks Bill. Eric, still sharing his tank, nods in agreement with the question.

"I don't think that's how this game works." Wilbert says.

"Hey! Stop breaking the fourth wall!" a Dave shouts.



Well, Nell seems to think it'll be alright. What've you got up your sleeve?





Ah. That helps massively.



Michael heads off to refuel our new pal.





And with that, the Wilbert Warriors are ready for action once again!





This sounds absurdly overpowered. Although I haven't encountered any problems with fuel and ammo so far. I guess that'll become more of a problem once the maps get longer?



Oh, sweet, so bases don't just heal, huh? Good to know.



...At what, Nell.



oh my GOD IT HAS RANGE



And does shitloads of damage. Welcome to the fucking team, Wilbert. Please never leave me.



I was so excited at the damage I hadn't even noticed that the tank hadn't countered.





"We also call it the 'Fuck You' button."



Right, yeah, let's get going.



NELL STOP TALKING





Kill the dudes? Seems to have been working so far.



I am not in agreement with Nell here.



Still, Bill/Eric move out.





And Nell quickly contradicts herself.

Siiiiiigh.



Well, yeah, that was the plan, but they have 2 movement. Which is ridiculously small, even for Advance Wars. What are they doing, lying on the floor and pulling themselves forward with their tongues only?



Look at this. It's ridiculous.



I think I have this sorted.



...Even if you say no, she still gives you a little bit of advice.





Thank you Nell you can go now



My first priority is to get some men down here and take those neutral buildings before Olaf's forces can. I think two infantry should be able to handle it, so I send Dave and Steve down.



Once my forces are moved, it's Pudgy Blue Man's turn.



I like how this little war is becoming more and more personal for Olaf.



She's determined, sure, but she's not bound, Olaf. Please don't bring your bedroom antics into this.



Whatever floats your boner, man.



His infantry move forward to take the neutral buildings, and his tanks head up north, where they will soon encounter the Wall of Eric/Bill.







"Tell him to stop dragging himself by his tongue and walk like a normal person. Please."



We move Gareth onto the APC...





Goddamn, the Michael Multitude is full of surprises. APCs are really growing on me.





It's like Fire Emblem's Rescue command, but it actually makes some semblance of sense.



I will make sure to remember that.



Yes!



INTO THE WATER WITH YOU, GARETH!



I didn't really. But I could've. And I want all of my troops to remember that.

Their lives are in my fickle hands.



Eh, I figured. APCs couldn't be perfect.



For sure. Gareth enjoyed the nice drive.

"Uh, boss..." murmurs Michael.

Anyway, Michael, time to see what you can do in combat.

"Well, um..." Michael replies.



What.

"I'm a pacifist..." Michael says. "I don't like violence, but I wanted to do my part. I got forcibly conscripted... but now I can drive an APC. It helps people, but it's not a violent job. So I think that works."

My disappoint is immeasurable and my day is ruined.



Nell continues with her bad news as per.





I think I can make that work. So artillery are hella powerful, but you have to prepare their attacks a turn in advance. I like that!

Right, time to get on with the map now.



Firstly, I move Wilbert over to the edge of the river here. He'll be in range to fire on anything in that space just below our base, and that's exactly where I need him right now.



Meanwhile, my city-capturing plan has hit a minor snag. This placement means I can't capture that right city without being fired on. I can still get the one on the left though, so I keep Dave and Steve focussed on their mission.



Down we go.



Meanwhile, up top, Bill and Eric fire on this tank asshole.



They stand no chance with my superior defensive terrain.



The end of the first proper turn looks like this. I'm hoping that the tank won't suicide on Bill and Eric. If it does, the tank below might be able to kill them.



This asshole does his usual thing of capturing cities and ignoring my dude's dudes.



And up top, everything went swimmingly.





Wilbert shows his strength and sportsmanship by obliterating an innocent tank on 1HP with no chance to counterattack.



I like Wilbert.



Gareth does a thing.



Gareth did a thing.





Despite his mission being "capture things", Dave cannot hold back his lust for revenge and just goes for this enemy infantry.



Steve's got his mind on the mission, however.



I consider doing this briefly, but I realise that it's probably not the best approach right now.



Also, hey, look. We got another mech unit after all my others died violently. I'm sure things will be different for this guy!

Meet the Barry Band. I'm going to be picking them up in the APC to get them over to the field of combat before the end of the week.



Olaf's turn. I'm not too concerned about Dave and Steve, but I am quite worried about that tank up top.



Turns out the Dave Division did do something useful - now that they're damaged, they can't capture this city fully. That helps a lot, actually - it means the enemy doesn't yet have defensive terrain and a source of healing.





Not great. Even with the healing next turn, we don't have the firepower to end this tank.



Also the infantry just kinda wander around. I'm not sure what they're doing.



The Steve Squadron complete the mission.



This is why I didn't move down to attack. Wilbert can one-shot this asshole; all we had to do was lure him into position.



Absolutely spectacular.



And this leaves the last weakened tank open...



To getting completely wrecked.



I suddenly have a brainwave, and instead of loading Barry into the APC, Michael decides to pick up Barold.



With the tanks gone, so long as we stay out of that artillery's range, we have a free shot at the enemy HQ! Michael speeds off to make it happen.

Meanwhile, those infantry aren't doing much, but they are kind of annoying, so I fire on them anyway.





Gareth can choose who he wants here, but I decide to finish the leftmost one before I start attacking the guy on the right.



It goes well. This map hasn't been all that much trouble so far. Probably because the enemy's artillery has been next to useless.



The Barry Band are forced to do the tongue-crawl since their ride vanished.



I decide that since I'm gunning for the enemy HQ, they'll probably end up doing the same to me at some point. Dave, already damaged in the fight, is the perfect option to stand up there and block the path.



The enemy finally capture their building though. I really don't know why I moved Dave back - I recorded this a week or so ago, so I genuinely don't remember what I was thinking. I was probably because Dave was injured and I'm paranoid.



On the enemy phase, the mech comes up to Steve's fortress (Ft. Steve) but doesn't attack. Kind of a bad move on his part.





The Michael Multitude drops Barold off at the enemy's front door.

"Go get 'em!" Michael says in encouragement. "But, like, nonviolently."

"Got it." Barold says, leading the brigade towards the headquarters.



This guy is still annoying me by doing nothing so I shoot him.

I, uh... have violent tendencies, it seems.



I feel better now.



Since the enemy is pretty much demolished up north, I take Wilbert south-west to help out our infantry. It could be problematic if they decide to gang up on one of my dudes.



I'm just about to do this when I think of a better option...





One shot...





...Two shots.

And I don't need to worry at all now - the mech is guaranteed to go for the city instead of my men, which gives Steve and Dave a bit of breathing room.



There we go.

"But my dude!" you say, worriedly. "Won't the superior defensive terrain be helping him?"

And I would say "Yes..."



"...But Wilbert gives absolutely no shits about superior defensive terrain."





I fire on him. It doesn't go as well as I'd hoped.





And again. Of course, I don't have to worry about enemy phase - now he's damaged, it's gonna take another two turns to capture that building. And that building is now in range of the Wilbert Murder Engine.



Oh yeah, I'm also at the enemy's stronghold, so it doesn't even matter.



Bless him, he's trying.



And with this turn, I have won the map.



BUT FIRST



Ah. I feel better now.



Right, NOW I have won the map.



I sure did. I want twenty.





You know, I swear Olaf's text was supposed to use the blue text border. I haven't been paying that much attention, though, maybe it's intentional.



He says this every time and I love it.



Naturally.



Next time! I'm gonna try and do two maps. And one of them is Tank Ops. Speaking as somebody who's already done that mission, I can say... the next update is gonna be a bitch. Here we go.

***

The Barracks: Dave and Michael 1

Michael walks into the barracks and begins to open up a lunchbox. Dave, walking in just behind him, smirks and sits beside him.

“You have a lunchbox?”

“Yep.” Michael says, beaming. “My mom prepared it for me when I was a kid, and since I joined the army, I’ve been using it to keep my lunch in. It reminds me of home.”

“Fair.” Dave replies. He sits there for a moment, then sighs.

“Are you OK?” Michael asks. “Even compared to most army fellows, you seem angry. Uh, sorry. Just something I noticed.”

“No, no, you’re right.” Dave says. “I lost a good friend a few battles back - his name was Craig. I swore to him that I would destroy Olaf. It… it weighs on my mind. Every battle, I pray that a stray bullet might end my suffering, but I know that I cannot falter.”

“I see…” murmurs Michael. He takes a bite of his sandwich, deep in thought. Dave is staring at the wall, his mind taken back to the battle where Craigsworth
lost his life.

“Yeah… I have to see it through. That’s why I fight my hardest, all the time. But after it’s all over, I’m going to rest.”

“I get you.” Michael replies. “I wish I could go home. I miss my family. My little sister, Michelle…”

“Yeah, did you say something about being conscripted?”

Michael looks at him blankly.

“Yup. Why, did you not get conscripted?”

“I joined of my own volition. When did they start conscripting people?”

“I don’t know.” Michael replies. “But I wish I didn’t have to go. I got bullied in the training camps because I didn’t want to hurt people.”

“I don’t want to hurt people, but I know I have to.” Dave replies, but he puts a hand on Michael’s shoulder. “Stick to your guns, Michael. If you can get through this war without taking a life, you can go home a happy man. So please, don’t let other people mock you for your choice. I think it’s brave.”

Michael smiles and looks down at his lunchbox, imagining his mother’s smiling face and his sister’s cries of joy. “…Brave, huh?"