Part 14: Carl Does The Thing

PART 14 - Carl Does The Thing

Last time on Advance Wars, we were about to begin Operation Michael Meatshield. Let's prepare for that, shall we?



Oh, never mind, it's Olaf's turn first.



The two infantry up there do a fusion dance.

It will not help them.



"Fusion blood is the tastiest blood..." murmurs Carl.



Well done, Carl, you creepy fuck.



Right, back at it. We park Michael here and drop Steve off in the forest to pick flowers or something.



Secondly, we move Ingo south and Wilbert north. Do you see what I'm doing here?



Even though my plan is, like the rest of this map, to hit the unit twice with artillery, I have a feeling that the medium tank won't go down that easily. Just checking the range...



And moving Tina over here in case she's needed.



BEGIN THE OPERATION.



Bait: successfully taken



And Michael didn't full-on die for once! So that's new.





Alright, Wilbert Warriors, Ingo In-Crowd... do your thing.



They sure do like shooting people from far away.





Ah, dammit. Should've known a medium tank would refuse to die that easily. Still, we've pretty much kneecapped the fucker now, so let's just finish them off.



I'M HERE NELL



How dare you take that tone with Nell.



Huh, she's right. That'll be handy.



I mean, a first-time player typically wouldn't know that, Nell, so I don't know why you'd phrase the question like that.



...Evidently. Whenever your units are dama-



ANDY YOU FUCKING GOOBER.

How are you the most talented new CO in Orange Star? Is everyone else an actual child?

My god.



No shit, Nell. Apparently Andy needs an advisor because otherwise he'd struggle to figure out how doorknobs work when he's trying to leave his bedroom each morning.





yes nell

What else?





That's handy, I guess. Depends how much they're strengthened, but I suppose it could score a couple of extra kills.



yes nell



HOW ARE YOU NOT COMPREHENDING THIS

WHY DO I HAVE TO WORK WITH YOU



Nell is keeping her rage in check far better than I am. Truly a distinguished professional in the field.



And then she just gives me full command. Now then, what was I doing..?



May as well try this out.



That is an overly badass name for the CO skill of the first character you get.



When your power is active, your units have this white sheen on them. Also, look, everyone gained 2HP! That might actually be handy, especially for Bill and Eric.



Alfonse captures a building. Not that I really need it anymore, but whatever, it gives the little guy something to do.



Steve wants to be like Dave, and goes to fight the medium tank.



The Steve Squadron are not the Dave Division, unfortunately. Somebody else, finish this tank off, please.





The Eric Echelon obliges.



As for the rest of the troops, we simply advance. Just a few of Olaf's units left - let's finish them off quick-like.



Speaking of, it's his turn.



I move Carl. Also, something did happen in the enemy phase; the tank that we damaged in the early part of the mission has been sat on a base ever since, and has fully healed.

"Cute." Tina grins, her eyes lighting up with the flame of battle.



Oh, she's gonna utterly ruin this guy.



Tina utterly ruins this guy.





Eric finishes him off.



Now I just have the tank and the rockets, but it's going to be awkward to take them both out... how best to do this?



Ah, of course. The old "just use artillery".



Come on, Ingo! I know I've overworked you this map, but if you've still got ammo, you put in the fucking work.



I load a disappointed Steve back into Michael, who's just thankful to be alive.



Olaf's turn. Here we go.



That sure was eventful.



You might be thinking to yourself "Cosmic! (Or Postman. I dunno what people usually call me for short. CP?) Why on earth are you moving Carl into obvious range of that tank with no backup?"



Alright, alright, I was just kidding. What I actually do is move Eric up to start poking this rocket. It might look like an odd decision, but the forest prevents Tina from reaching the rocket. Light tanks have one movement over medium tanks, and it's actually coming in useful. Crazy.



Also, boom. Man, Eric's done good this map. Well done, Eric.



I put Ingo in range of the rocket, but now it's damaged, it... shouldn't one-shot? We'll see how it goes.



Tina slides conveniently into the rocket's range. Not for any particular reason, really. At this point I've committed to routing the enemy rather than capturing the HQ.



Olaf, however, has one final surprise for us...



Two in one map. God damn. The extra power might be really problematic, actually, especially since the rockets are gonna heal 2HP from being parked on a city... Ingo, hang in there!



"I have a bad feeling about this!" Ingo yells as he sees the rockets moving to target him.

"Can it, Ingo!" Eric says. "Hold it together - I did my part protecting you, don't you die on me now!"

The rockets fire, screaming into the air like death in flight.



...Had you worried for a sec there, didn't I?

Unless you're a veteran and already knew there was no hope of the rockets one-shotting Ingo.



The tank goes for the Carl Crew, meanwhile. This was all part of the plan, I swear!



Carl survives.



"CP!" I hear you shout, though I don't really hear it because I have no idea who you are. "Why on earth would you risk Carl's life like that, especially considering that he won't be able to defeat the tank on his own?"

Two words.





INDIRECT





FIRE



Eric's done good this map, so I decide to give him the kill over Tina.



...God damn you, Eric.



I GIVE TINA THE KILL BECAUSE EVERYONE IN THIS ARMY HITS LIKE A WET NOODLE.



Finally.



You sure did! I didn't even lose a unit. Your medium tank counterattacked an infantry unit and did no damage.

That was my favourite bit.



My name has been lost to history, but these days, they call me My dude.

You will learn to fear my name.



Fuck off, Andy, he was talking to me. You know, the person that actually did all the things?



Neeeeeeeell, Andy is ruining my dramatic introductionnnnnnnn





To be fair, with how often you've been completely curbstomped by me and my crew of dipshits, perhaps an advisor is exactly what you need.





Oh, when I'm done with you, you won't just remember my name. You'll curse it for the rest of your days.

You can feel free to forget my CO's name though. I already have.



I'm not sure if this is a stupid question or not, so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt.



Wait, no, we had the officer dossiers at the start of the map, and my CO really should have studied those.



Therefore I will judge that it was, in fact, a stupid question.

Andy's Stupid Question Count: 2



oh my god.

also +1 to the stupid question count



He wasn't her Papa, Andy, he was her Daddy. There's a difference.



I'm not a child! I mean, he is, that's fair.

Also I don't respect you



This sounds a lot more predatory than I think Olaf intended it to.



We won! And as you can see, Andy is a complete asshole because he's not even congratulating me in the win screen. I'm not usually fond of characters sucking off the self-insert, but in this instance it was literally me who won this battle.



What is happening here







Nell leaps up at the strangest times to continue tutorialising the bollocks off me. But hey, we got 9 Title Drop Coins, so that's cool?



We begin to cross Orange Star. This feels familiar. Let me guess, more fights with Olaf and slow recovery of territory?



NEW FACE ALERT.

I... assume this is Grit. Which isn't really a name, if I'm being honest.

Neither's Nell, though.



I don't think I've met a single character in this game that respects Olaf yet.





I like this guy already!



I'm glad that we also get to listen in on this conversation between the villains. Handy, that.



You didn't anticipate shit, Olaf. You got lucky.





"Did you just call me your dude"

"No, Grit, that's the name of the advisor, my dude"

"Why do you keep calling me your dude"

"NEVER MIND"



Yeah, be scared, Grit. I'm mildly threatening.



Ah, artillery? Another man of culture, I see.



Apparently Grit is all about the shooting.



Pfft.

Do I have to fight this guy? I want him to be my CO.



Judging by your example, only show up in person after three defeats or so, then yell "wait till next time!" and lose frequently. Is that about right?





Keep your beard on. I need to use that one more; thanks, Grit!





Olaf hits us with that solid Olafsposition. Thanks, Olaf.



My guess is bullets.



oh I hate this sprite

never use it again please



Andy get out of the way before you injure yourself and let me handle it



Why do all of the missions suddenly have exclamation marks in them? Ah well. Grit's design is pretty neat, he has a hard-boiled cop vibe going on that I like.





For somebody who was supposed to be going, Nell is doing a terrible job of it.

And I'm OK with this. Hi, gal.



Loud and clear. Never stop talking to me.



Excuse me, Third Wheel, the adults have some private matters to discuss.







I can guarantee that's a no.

Just a guess.



I am surrounded by idiots.



"For the fourth time. My god, Andy, did you sleep with the examiner to get your CO license or what?"



nell



explains



menus



Man, I do not start with many units, either. And I have a feeling 8000 funds is not gonna be enough to just deploy Tina and instawin the map.







I'm gonna guess it's 1000 per base? Hm. I need to capture more, but...

Well, actually, this should wait for next time. That was longer than I was expecting. Grit's forces are looking pretty scary, though, he already

has

a





oh I think I see what his gimmick is

***

The Barracks: Gareth and Carl 1

Gareth stares at the short straw clutched in his hand, and walks out of the lunch room with a sigh. He’s gonna have to be the one to disinvite Carl from poker.
Nobody wanted to speak to him, and Gareth was unlucky.

Bernard rooms with him, for god’s sake. And I’m still the one who has to do it? he thinks.

He pulls a grimace and walks to Carl’s room, knocking on the door.

“It’s open.” a voice inside says. It sounds unused to having company.

“Hey.” Gareth says as he walks in. Carl is sitting at the head of the bed, staring out of the window. “We, uh, decided that it’d be best if you didn’t come to poker anymore.”

“Fine.” Carl replies, not turning around.

“…Uh, what are you doing? I expected you to be hissing about blood or stuff.” Gareth replies, and Carl shrugs.

“He’s out there again.”

Gareth walks to the window and sees a figure sitting on the ground outside, next to the exit of the barracks, staring down the empty road.

“Oh, it’s my dude.” Gareth says. “Huh. I feel bad for the guy. He must miss Nell.”

“Yes… her blood would have been a most delightful meal.” Carl replies.

“Hey, Carl…” Gareth mutters. “Look. You’re a bit weird, but honestly, we all are. So… I was wondering, do you want help with understanding social interaction more?”

Carl looks at him. “You… would do that? I have no desire for making friends, and yet… perhaps the knowledge will be useful.”

“I’m just saying. If you tone down your creepiness whilst you’re around people, at least, we’ll be happy to have you back to poker night.”

Carl’s eyes light up, and he gives an eerie smile. “Well, Gareth… I look forward to your teaching. I shall… try to hold back my bloodlust.”

Gareth rolls his eyes. “We have a lot of work ahead of us…"