Part 39: You Just Activated My "Crap!" Card

PART 39 - You Just Activated My "Crap!" Card

Hello, folks. Welcome back... we were just about to get royally fucked by a large tank lad.



Brace yourself, Tina!



“Ngh! Heavy damage, but I think we’re fine!” Tina yells as alarms ring out inside the tank. “God damn, seriously damaged and deep in enemy territory again… is the opposition getting tougher, or am I losing my touch?”

Well, that was alright.



A non-threatening infantry and a pretty threatening artillery show up. This could be trouble.



OK, now we just need to... deal with all of this. Somehow. Let's take it step by step.



Firstly, if we're to have any hope of succeeding, I want Lloyd to be in range of everything on land. From this reef he covers a pretty good area.



Next, we bring this asshole down to our measly 4 HP.



Thank you, Fred.



Barold fires on the enemy tank. Tina needs to hit the medium tank; she's the only one who can trade blows with it, really.



But Barold is more than enough to deal with this loser.



Alright, Tina, get your revenge.



Ooh, the medium tank didn't do any damage in the counter. Looks like Tina can handle this after all! ...With some help from a barrage of rockets.



I join Barold and Von Panzer to make sure that I have at least one full-HP unit.

_{…Bon Panzer?}



The Rin Roundup drops off Dave in the meantime.



Meanwhile, this infantry is so non-threatening that I decide to attack it with my least offensive unit, Eddie.



Solid damage on the infy boy. At any rate, he can't capture anything, though I don't know why I said that since most of the nearby territories are Drake's anyway.



I had an inkling there was something in this reef, and I was right - Selena can take this guy on. It's not too threatening but I'd rather not have it in action, if at all possible.



Please don't have more medium tanks.



The damaged tank flees to a city to recuperate. That's fine - it's still in range of the Fred Fusiliers.



And the artillery fucks off north.

My turn now.



I spotted this cruiser making a beeline for Selena now that Drake knows where she is, so we're putting a stop to his shenanigans right away.



Phew. There's nothing in the water that can hurt Selena now. She's safe.



And as such, she can just whale on this ship for the rest of the map. Her work here is basically done, this is just to let off some steam.



It'll take a few hits, though. Back to the mainland, where the real action is happening!



Rocket action!



Death action!



Opening fire on an innocent infantry unit with a herd of jeeps action!



Doing the thing I just said I would do action!



And now, Michael drops off Jimmy on this forest.



Everyone else heads up a bit. I need to start figuring out how I'm going to handle this area and get an infantry safely to the HQ.



This is a long map, to say it's so small. Advance Wars has a habit of making small maps feel big through minute strategy.



Something's firing at Michael. I am shocked and surprised.



Oh, goddammit. I KNEW there were some rockets up here somewhere. Now I just have to find out where the fucker's hiding.



Ooh, I didn't account for this guy. Huh.



Michael's blasting off agaiiiiiiin...



Alright, time to roll again. We're goin' on a rocket hunt.



...And as usual, we have a limited number of turns to do it in.

Hey, Selena. Gonna level with you for a sec.

I love you, I really do, but can we have one mission which isn’t put on a severe time limit by your fuel troubles?

I'm an idiot: it only occurs to me later in the mission that she didn't need to be dived since there weren't any threats in the water any more.



Ah well. Do your thing.



She did her thing. And it was good.

That sounds really suspect, actually. I do not invite Selena into my office to "do her thing". Absolutely not.



So, now that cruiser's dealt with, the Lloyd Lads can turn their attention to the land battle.



This artillery is a real problem. I'm glad to score some free damage on it.



Jimmy... should be able to finish it? I think he should.



OH SON OF A-



SWEET JESUS THERE’S A MECH THAT I ENTIRELY FORGOT ABOUT

Which is impressive since we saw him, like, a minute ago.

This is right up there with hitting Wait on a unit that can't fire on something in terms of immense, immediate annoyance.



Fred will continue to shoot things that annoy me, however.



That's some good damage. Mechs aren't too strong.



But any way you slice it, this is going to be a very rough day. I fail to see how it would get worse.



Drake that wasn't a fucking challenge



Siiiiiiigh.



Jimmy is gonna be under fire quite a lot this round. Hopefully there isn't too much damage... he gets 3 defence stars after all.



Oh, he is so fucked.



Yeah, the artillery'll take him.



Sorry, Jimmy Jamboree! I, uh, wow. This was handled poorly. Alas, Jimmy, we barely knew ye.



OK, let's, uh... do this properly.



First, we shoot an unrelated battleship for absolutely no reason.



Then my brain started working, so I made Selena rise, since there aren't any threats to her safety right now. That'll save on fuel.



This mech is getting too close to Tina, and she's pretty damaged. Fred's going to get rid of him immediately.



That's for Jimmy! Who, admittedly, we did not know anything about. But still! Blood calls for blood!



The Barold/Von Panzer pair can take on this irritation.



THERE we go. I'm feeling slightly better about it all now. Just got the rockets left.



Dave heads up to see what the hell is going on and if there’s anything to shoot.



More fuckery. Come on, Drake, be kind for once.



...Huh. We really are getting to the end of the map, Drake's finally reached the "do nothing" phase of the map.



Alright, Selena, sink the ship and let's get this over with.



...It occurs to me that due to the way that CO powers work (as a helpful commenter explained, the bar is filled if you damage more expensive units i.e. battleships), and the fact that this battleship wasn't doing anything, it would have probably been better to just sit next to it, and only attack if it moved. Ah well.



"There it is! Rocket squad, directly north!" shouts Barold from his tank. Von Panzer notes the squad.

"Indeed! Ve must strike now, before it cuts down more of our brave warriors!"



"I hear you loud and clear, lads." Lloyd says, observing the battle from his ship. "Alright, buckos, all hands on deck! Fire!"



Yeah! That's what I'm talking about!



Sheesh. Tina's been so weakened by the battles that she can't muster the firepower to finish this rocket. The defensive bonus from the trees probably isn't helping.



Still, it's enough damage to neuter the thing. It won't be doing anything more than chip damage on non-infantry.



Everyone else heads north. With the threats taken care of, we can start moving in on the HQ.



Of course, Drake might still have some surprises. Two medium tanks next to the HQ sounds like a decent 'fuck you' for Advance Wars.



But instead, this rocket just goes for healing. Why do they do this when their city is in range of the enemy?



Right, my turn. So close... let's get this done already. Hopefully the next map isn't mother fucking Fog of War.



Come on, Dave. You've got an HQ to conquer.



Tina goes for the rocket, mostly to work out her aggression at being under so much fire this mission.



"There we go." sighs Tina. "Can we get this mission done now? Come on!"

"Yeah, yeah, we're gettin' there." says Dave, observing the HQ with a grimace. "Let's move in."



Barold/Von Panzer need to move to another forest so I can start moving my other units up. I'd like to stick to the forests, just in case there is something untoward hanging around still.



FUCKIN-

Crap. Again.



Uuuuuuuuuuurgh.



OK, we're all out of range for now, but christ, this artillery is quite annoying.



Luckily, Lloyd continues to exist.



Lloyd has absolutely carried this battle. I love well-placed battleships.



Alright, now that all the surprises are out of the way, and now that this artillery doesn't have anything to fire on...



oh for the love of god.



When I find Drake, I am going to personally execute him.



That tank is fucking dead meat.



As usual, Lloyd damage helps an awful lot.



This thing is already basically useless now.



I send Gareth to just kinda... start capturing this thing. May as well give the other units SOMETHING to do.



They are in range of Fred, so I suppose that's an option. Thank goodness I moved him further up.



The artillery, being ranged, is more of a threat than this half-dead tank, so Barold/Von Panzer go for that.



Almost done with it. Really hope I'm not close to making Tsunami proc again...



Please let me be done soon



The artillery hops back so this tank can attack from defensive terrain.



We trade blows, but luckily, no deaths.



As I said, I'm glad I shifted Fred one space up.



Because it was highly effective.



Dave goes and sits his fat arse on the HQ. One turn left and then I can kick Drake off a fucking cliff. Hopefully.



Are you serious, we still can't finish this artillery off?



Best tank in the game, I swear to god. Didn't Wilbert survive a medium tank in one of the early missions?



I don't even know why I attacked with Barold/Von Panzer when I have a fully functional battleship in range. Let's just kill it the usual way.



I am making a lot of mistakes today. Obviously I'm getting very tired...



...of Fog of War! Boom!


Speaking of boom, the artillery died.





Ah, another turn of nothing. That bodes well.



And it certainly does, since we're done! Phew! Thank you, Dave.



FUCK YOU.



How are you gonna hoist sail when I sank every ship you had?

I suppose you have landers. Do they have sails? Do any of the botes in this game have sails?



I agree with Sami here. This was a tougher map than I was expecting. At least we only lost Michael and Jimmy. And Michael doesn't count.



We got more Wardollars. Advance Coins? Either way, we have 175 now. I should cash those in at some point.



We sure are. That's what you get for pissing me off quite royally today, Drake.



You're like, 35, at most. Not even that old.



Eagle shows up.



The one that still didn't explain shit? Yeah, I remember.



This implies that the earlier lines were just Drake talking to himself. What a weirdo.



Did somebody just write all of Drake's dialogue, and then go through the entire script, rewriting all of the lines to be nautical?



"Holds any water". They seriously did this for every sodding line he has.



Eagle thinks Drake's right about something. Will we get to find out? Absolutely not.







Well, here we are, a new map is available. Are we going with The Prequels, The Original Trilogy or The Sequels for this next one? Let me know, and I shall see you next week, where hopefully I will have calmed down a little...

***

The Barracks: Lucy and Michael 2

The television crackles as two characters stand on opposite ends of a rooftop - one of them, the male, is pointing a pistol at the other.

“Kali… you’ve ruined Jessica’s life. You ruined my father’s life. I wanted to be a good werewolf. I wanted to succeed. But you… you took everything from me. So why do I still…”

“Say it, Aiden.” whispers Kali, staring down the barrel of the gun.

Aiden shakes the gun as he begins to tear up. “Even after everything… everything! Why do I still love you?!”

“Because, Aiden… we're endgame. And you know it.”

The screen cuts to black as a gunshot sound effect plays, and the credits roll as a self-aggrandising, overly dramatic song begins to play, sung in high notes by a woman against acoustic backing.

“Holy crap! Uh, sorry, didn’t mean to swear.” Lucy says, wrenching around with a wide smile to face Michael. “I’m just excited! What an incredible season finale!”

Michael nods. “Yeah, didn’t see that coming. Do you think Aiden fired?”

“Nah, I can’t imagine he could. It’ll be revealed next time that it was his twin brother from season 2 who killed her.”

“Or maybe she had a gun behind her back, and it was Kali that shot Aiden..?”

“What a twist!” gasps Lucy. “That would be awesome!”

Michael laughs, and ruffles Lucy’s hair good-naturedly. “Indeed. Anyway, it’s getting pretty late, you should get to bed. Hm… Wilbert should have been back hours ago. But I’m not complaining, gave us enough time to watch the entire season, at least.”

“Yeah! Honestly, he’s probably sleeping with Tina. They’ve been doing that a couple of times lately, but they’re not very slick about it…”

“Mm.” Michael says, smirking. “Still, I’m happy for them. And for you! I hear you’ve been hanging out with Ingo lately. Is that going well?”

“It’s going OK! We’re just friends at the moment. I don’t wanna hit him with romance stuff right now, you know? He’s got a lot to work through.”

“Agreed.”

“But…” Lucy says, and a devilish smile overtakes her features. “What about you? Anyone catching your eye, Michael? With Wilbert, uh, “doing the thing” every other night, you must have thought about it.”

“It doesn’t bother me that much, actually.” Michael says. “I’m… eh, well, I’ll tell you another time. Thanks for watching Tabitha High with me though. I… have a lot of more effeminate interests, but I’m nervous to tell people. I got bullied in the training camps for being a pacifist, and for watching shows like this, and having a cup of milk every night. I paint my nails sometimes too. But I stopped doing that after I joined the army. My father said it wasn’t manly.”

“Michael, it’s OK! You can do what you like! I don’t care how you express yourself - you’re my friend through and through!”

“…Thanks, Lucy. I’ll tell you about my romance stuff another time. For now - get to bed, OK?"