Part 50: An Impossible Victory

PART 49 - An Impossible Victory

Welcome back, everyone. I hope you're still listening to Twilight of the Gods or some similarly epic tune, because we're still only partway through this map! Let's see if we can't keep our run of good luck going.



Last time, Sturm was about to do some things. Let's hope they're not dangerous things.



The copter takes the Bernard bait, thankfully. Bernard rolls out of his exploding copter and opens his parachute, sailing to the ground safely.

"Nailed it. Whew, that tired me out... I'm gonna nap at HQ. G'luck, folks."



Everything else generally moves forward, but nothing actually attacks. This is what having a wall of medium tanks does for you.



But don't worry, folks, he builds more annoying shit with his ridiculous amount of funds. That's not stopping anytime soon.



Uh, right, let's see here... what do we do now?



Well, Tina can absolutely tenderise this poor anti-air.



Admittedly, she's been putting in the work lately - her ammo's running low, for the second map in a row. Sigh.



Now Selena can move in and kill another thing! Slow progress, folks, but progress nonetheless.



Selena, I said "kill another thing", not "leave it on 1HP".



Gotta keep a careful eye on Sturm's CO meter from this point on, too. If we're to have any hope of victory, we need to manipulate the meter as much as possible.



Mulligan does what he's been doing all map - that is, murdering copters. I swear Sturm stops spawning bro copters soon.



Oh hey, we have our CO power. I'm gonna leave it for now, though.



Von Panzer also moves in. I've always held that you can never have enough medium tanks, and this map really does prove it.



Rose and Lucy, meanwhile, reach the bait squad. I mean, it's going to be a close thing as to whether we can actually bait it out with this motley crew anyway... five medium tanks, plus Eagle's two medium tanks, is quite a lot of funds.



Every little helps, though. Wilbert and Ingo head in to help!

"Hey, Lucy! Didn't expect to see you over here." Ingo says.

"Hi, Ingo! So glad to see you safe!" Lucy replies. "I was frontlining, but it's a little dangerous for a copter, so I'm hanging back to help with whatever you guys are doing. What are we doing, again?"

"Sitting here and waiting for meteors to get dropped on us." sighs Dimitri. "No, I don't know why."



Howard continues his odyssey of capturing random buildings. It's not quite as important as it was early on in the map, but you never know, Sturm could turn things around with a well-timed Meteor Strike...



Barold, shoot a dude.



I also get Dave to finish off his foe - this opens a space for Eagle's medium tanks to enter and start wrecking house on Eagle's turn.



Cassandra and Carl move up to block the rivers. It's mostly just to prevent Sturm's infantry from capturing my stuff and giving him even more funds.



Grit's turn! And he's actually going to do things this turn!



Specifically, his rocket and artilleries are going to advance. They're not gonna be terribly useful, but I might need them in a pinch. And it's a lot safer for them to hang around, since I've almost pushed Sturm's forces back to his HQ.



The last few things start being captured, too. More money for additional meatshields.



Down here, I've got a few joins I can do, which should earn me a little money, too.



Not really enough to buy anything of use, though, so I'm going to leave it for now. Sturm's attack hits in a 3x3 diamond, remember. Since most of those spaces already have units in, I need to buy a couple of expensive units rather than a lot of cheap units to fill the last 2 or 3 slots.



Alright, Eagle. Let's do some stuff!



First, finishing this capture.



Our bomber advances, too.



Bombers are very much like medium tanks, in that you also can't have enough of those. Let's get a third!



Eagle's anti-air can snipe this thing quite easily. Hm, speaking of snipe...



These missiles are gonna be annoying. But they don't have any planes in range, so I'm gonna finish off the rockets. Just in case they do some chip damage on Eagle's weaker tanks.



...Tempting...



But no. Let's finish off this guy first.



Meter check! We're still good for now.



Hey look, this was a stupid place to put Princeton. Totally didn't notice it until later.



Annoyingly, Wallace isn't quite in range to get at the anti-air. Then I remember that fighters have 9 movement, so...



Let's move you down one space...



And you this way!

With this setup, Wallace can get at the anti-air on the other side of Sturm's forces, and the fighter is still in range of the airport. We'll do the same setup on the other side.



This was me checking that the missiles were out of range of my planes.

No, I didn't notice that Princeton was in range.



Yeah, let's end turn, that seems good



And to absolutely nobody's surprise...



Besides mine, I mean.



…Oops. OK, no, I can’t let this one loss knock my confidence. I’m sorry, Princeton, but we must forge onwards. Your sacrifice will not be forgotten!

_{Let’s be real, so long as Orange Star’s soldiers survive, you goons are gonna be happy.}



This tank decides to try and ruin Selena's day.



"Worthless." says Selena. "Sturm's sting is not nearly as painful as it was earlier in the battle."

"Mm, I believe we're gettin' him on the ropes now." Dave replies.

"Then let's forge ahead and destroy him!" Tina yells. "Ready, everyone?"



Sturm sends more things downwards...



...and builds more things. Pretty much what you can expect from a Sturm Turn, really.

_{more fucking missiles and bro copters...}



Right, I've had enough of this guy. Let's do as Tina says and assure our victory!

...But like, still being careful. I've come this far - I refuse to lose anyone!



First things first, we did get our CO power last turn. Let's use that again, the attack boost will be quite useful.



RYPER HEPAIR



I make sure that Wilbert and Ingo are definitely in the bait circle, too.



Cassandra can absolutely destroy this infantry.



Barold can do much the same to this APC, too.

The only thing better than one medium tank is five medium tanks.



Obviously Von Panzer has the firepower to-

...Wait.



OK. I'm going to take a chance here.



Von Panzer ISN'T going to attack that infantry. You'll see why.



The great thing about having so many medium tanks is that Tina can head back and resupply without risking the line being broken - Selena's more than strong enough to guard it in Tina's stead. I also move Mulligan to resupply, since he has been shooting SO MANY COPTERS this map.



Howard's still doing stuff, too.



Speaking of Selena, she's gonna eradicate this tank that thought he could do damage to her.



Dave can then move in and take out this mech. Man, I'm one-shotting so many units, I thought I was playing as Max for a second there.



Carl moves next to the infantry, but he also waits. We cannot attack this infantry.

There's a reason, I swear.



Alright, Grit's turn.



His artillery is going to take its place in the middle of all my dudes here. Perfectly safe, but in range should anything need murdering.



The last thing is captured on Grit's side. We're coming to the end of the map.



Down here, I'm... actually not doing anything. Need more money.



Oh, my god, this is going to be the riskiest play I've ever made. I hope I've figured this out right.



Eagle's turn.

So that I can set up the pincer bomber/fighter on the right side, we need to remove the offending missiles. Also they killed Princeton, I guess that's important.



Eagle’s medium tank looks at this missile unit funny and it fucking explodes with embarrassment.

And guess what?



LOOK AT HOW CLOSE THIS WAS.

Even that 1000-funds infantry would have given Sturm his Meteor Strike, which would have been ruinous right now. So long as we don’t attack anything else this turn, we’re safe for another day!



God, I'm a genius.



And we almost have enough firepower to encroach on Sturm's HQ. Just gotta keep it together for another day or two...



fuck it, the only thing better than three bombers is four bombers



And that's how the turn ends. With no Meteor Strike this turn, Sturm can't do anything about this wall of medium tanks coming slowly towards him - we've got an insanely strong wall here, and I don't think there's anything he can do about it.



Hopefully.



Some stuff advances, but the only thing that attacks is this bro copter.



It wasn't very effective...



And well, there's not much else to report. So hey, let's get on with our turn, shall we?



Mulligan was on the city to resupply, but hey, he's in range of the copter, may as well.



And that lets Cassandra move in and take out this mech.



Then Dave one-shots this thing. This is going well.



And that allows Tina to come back into the fray!



"Fuck you in particular!" yells Tina, opening fire on the nearby tank that wasn't even doing anything.



Barold attacks this enemy medium tank. The property defence bonus does mean that he can't one-shot, but eh. The first hit is very valuable against Sturm.



It's still a pretty solid amount of damage.



Selena goes for this anti-air.

(As an aside, it is getting very difficult to remember which medium tank is which. I suppose that's one possible negative of having like five of the fucking things.)



That's also not a kill, but it's pretty close.



Von Panzer moves up, but can't in range to attack anything. Carl, however, can. And does.

With glee.



It's close enough to a kill that I'm satisfied.



I also bring out Stanley.

"This army's been so kind to me. So I'm gonna do my best to defeat you and get back home to my dogs!"

He's not really for anything, just backup in case it all goes wrong. I mean, Sturm has Meteor Strike and there's no way the bait will fool him this time, not with a million tanks on his doorstep.



Speaking of the bait, it's Grit's turn to actually attack something! It's been a while since he did that.



But first I move the bait squad around and make another anti-air. Hopefully this is enough, but honestly, I'm not confident.



But hey, look! Grit's artillery can finish this tank off. That's actually really useful, since it means Eagle's medium tanks can move in without having to waste their turn on killing it.



Speaking of Eagle, it's time. We're going to be doing the pincer movement now. Also, keep an eye on that CO meter.



First, we can now kill this infantry without worrying about Sturm's CO meter, so let's do that.



Wallace takes this side...



And I can't help but feel very satisfied at the current events. Admittedly, the fuel is a bit troublesome, but we're almost done here.



We do the same on the other side, too.



Then Edgar can make a start on this fighter jet.



And hey, look, we've almost filled the meter! Just need a little more damage from somewhere...





These two can move in, but they're not in range to attack anything. Come on, come on...



I can do this, but it's still not quite enough.



This looks promising.

Here, we NEED to attack the upper tank. The other tank has 6HP, and we do less damage in funds by attacking it. If we attack the max HP one, though…



THERE we go.



I can just about take this anti-air out with Petra, too. So that's cool.



And once we've moved this bomber up...



Yessssss.



I have waited a long, long time to be able to do this.



LIGHTNING. STRIKE.



Let the carnage begin.



So, yeah, we just murder everything.



Slowly taking it all out.



Especially the missiles. They'll be ruinous if we leave them alive.



Goodbye, threats to my air superiority!



...Or not. Sigh.



This anti-air will do the trick.



Now we just need to flatten this medium tank, which isn't the easiest thing to do with Eagle's units.



Still 2HP... sigh. Right, let's keep at it.



Unfortunately, even with the incredible Lightning Strike...



We leave this one dicking APC alive. Didn't this happen at the end of Enigma, too?



Let's just cover this airport - Edgar can one-shot everything non-fighter from the other airport without moving and expending fuel, so that's quite useful.



We've covered most of the bases, so now it's just praying that Meteor Strike doesn't hit us.



Please.

Please.



Oh god no



No no no



NO WAY.



HOLY SHIT, WE BAITED IT A THIRD TIME, BOIS!



Sturm makes a bomber and a mech, but fuck it. The map's over.



Admittedly, Eagle's units are in the way of everyone, so may as well leave it to him to finish off.



I can at least make a start on this mech with Carl.



The group arrange themselves in the Official My Dude Victory Formation.



Grit has done everything he needed to do. Godspeed, Grit.



But we're done here.



Sturm, do you understand? You’re done.



Let this be remembered as the day that the bumbling, arrogant, thoughtless my dude, the ACO that everyone underestimated time and time again, carved his name into the annals of history as the greatest tactician in Wars World.



Today, everyone gets to go home to their loved ones. Today, it’s over.



I did it. Holy shit, I did it...



...



...



...You know, I really didn't expect to pull through this battle with just one casualty. And even then, it was only one Green Earth casualty.



I'm satisfied. I gotta thank Nell for giving me this chance - I didn't let her down. I didn't let her down...



And let's not forget my loyal soldiers, who fought tooth and nail to end this conflict.



Wilbert, Tina... Dave, and Rin, Michael... Eric and Bill, and Ingo...



oh god people are talking



Oh. Something's caught Grit's attention, apparently.



OH MY GOD THEY REMEMBERED OLAF



HOLY SHIT, IT'S MILITARY SANTA! HE'S HERE!



You vanished for 75% of the campaign and served absolutely no story purpose.



"...secretly me the whole time!"

I'm still on the Sturm = Olaf train, mostly because it's hilarious.





Thanks to me, that is! If I'd have left you, Dipshit and Eagle to your own devices, you'd have been crushed.



"Like, you have a country to run, remember?"



These two really sound like a married couple at times.



Good. The less time you spend around Nell, the better, as far as I'm concerned.

But like, I respect you a bit more now.





Oh my god they are so married



Unfortunately, as usual, Olaf was not listening at all.



Oh, no, he was. Also, "misguided deeds"? You invaded our entire country.



Oh my fucking god, he's crying



Best relationship in Advance Wars, bar none





I ship it.



And so the wonderful bromance arc is concluded.



oh god it's Dipshit



Ah, but a sequel exists. I don't buy it.



Stop talking to Eagle, Sami. It's not good for you.



...Eh he's alright I guess.

Lightning Strike is fun when it's in your hands rather than the enemy's.



Hardships.

Hey guys he called them hardships.



HARDSHIPS, EAGLE, YOU KILLED SO MANY DUDES



That's one thing I will agree with. Fuck Eagle and fog of war.



Dipshit is reaching terminal levels of stupidity, but how else are we going to finish off the LP, really?



And we're all friends, adorable.



Hm?



what.



WHAT.



NO NO NO NO NO

WE JUST FINISHED THE CAMPAIGN, WE LOST SO MANY LIVES



PEOPLE DIED, DIPSHIT

WAR IS NOT A GAME



And hey, a tidy S-rank for The Final Battle! What a good way to finish off the campaign.

Or so I thought...



And we ranked up. No, I still don't know if the ranks mean anything, but whatever.



Fuck you, Eagle.



I just decided that you were alright, but this shit? This isn't OK.

I will have no part of this.



By which I mean, of course I'm going to have a part of this. See you next week, everyone, for this absolute "fuck you" of an extra map.

***

The Barracks: Selena and Alfonse 2

Alfonse spots Selena walking out of the barracks room and remembers that he wanted to speak to her. Rushing out of the room, almost tripping over his own feet, he catches her in the corridor.

“Selena!”

She turns and looks at him. After a moment, it clicks.

“Oh, Alfonse. Hello.”

“I was just wondering… remember what we talked about the other day? About, uh, how you feel responsible for all those deaths?”

Selena’s face falls. “Yes. I remember…”

“I wanted to ask.” Alfonse says. “Why are you so hard on yourself? You’re a genius, I’ve seen it time and again. And an excellent soldier. You’re so talented!”

“I was due to go to the most prestigious university in Orange Star.” Selena says. Alfonse falls silent, somewhat surprised. “I was born clever. My parents heaped their love and attention on me, and I performed amazingly in school. Then... my sister was born.”

“What happened?”

“She hates me.” Selena says. “My parents had no interest in my sister. They were expecting another, well, me. They even named her Lena; just a piece of my name. She wasn’t stupid, you know? But she wasn’t a genius. Just ordinary.”

“So they didn’t…” Alfonse murmurs.

“They didn’t care for her.” Selena says. “Lena grew up in a family where she knew she was second choice. I can’t blame her for hating me. In her position, I’d have hated my sister too. Eventually, I got my degree and travelled the world. And then I got the offer to study for a PhD.”

Alfonse looks on with worry as Selena sighs.

“I made a strange decision. Just the night before I was due to move back to the university and begin my studies, I… suddenly realised that I didn’t want my parents’ adoration. I didn’t want them to give me love if they weren’t doing the same for my sister. I didn’t want to be a genius.”

She leans against the wall nearby and slowly slides down to the floor. Alfonse sits beside her, but leaves a safe distance.

“So I thought, ‘what would be the biggest slap in the face to my parents?’ I settled on dropping out of university and joining the army. …That’s why I’m here.”

“I had no idea.” Alfonse says. “So that’s why you have such talent.”

Selena nods. “I wanted to do as well as I could just to really rub salt in the wound, but afterwards I… I realised I’d gone too far. I send them letters every week. I’ve never had a reply.”

“No…”

“Yes.” Selena replies. “So I made this army my family. And when I lose one of them, and when it’s my fault, I… I just…”

She tries to hold back tears, but fails. Wiping her eyes, she looks at Alfonse.

“It’s not your fault, Selena. We’re still your family.” Alfonse replies. His smile is genuine and his eyes are shining, and for a moment, Selena can almost believe him.