Part 57: Chapter 57 (Battle) - Jake Punches A Bro Copter Five Times
Update 57 (Battle) - Jake Punches A Bro Copter Five Times
It's time, folks. Last time, you may recall we shot Black Onyx like 9 fucking times, and then survived the enemy's Tag Power. So the rest of this map is effectively cleanup - our mission now is to destroy the black obelisk.

One of the ways I plan to try and get at it is by abusing rockets, so I deploy Yakov. We'll see if we can sneak him over to shoot at the black obelisk from a safe distance.

I retreat Dimitri and Zlata in the tanks - I actually want my foot units, Diana, Boris and Ivan, to fight the oozium, since they do decent damage to it. Plus, Dimitri and Zlata need healing.

May as well poke it with Inessa a bit. All damage is good damage.
"Yuck! This stuff is disgusting - eat this!" Inessa shouts, and opens fire.

4% turns into 2 HP damage. Yeah, sure, why not? Holy shit, Sasha and Colin's luck bonus is absolutely absurd.

This is how we shape up at the end of the turn. Orange team's main goal now is getting rockets over to the black obelisk (if possible) and just killing anything that comes near them otherwise.

Blue team's really not got much to do now, but hey, we have them, may as well make use of them.

Plus, there was this infantry that got dropped off during the Tag Power; we ought to deal with him.
"...It's time. I've got to fight for a new cause now!" Lena says, opening fire on the mech. "I won't let you turn this land to dust!"

I reorder the artilleries so that Rin, who got shot a lot, is not in the firing range. Ingo can take the heat for a bit.

Next up is green team - they're the ones who still have lots to do, so let's not waste time.

There's a couple of irritating enemies hanging around, so let's get rid of those right away. Petra pretty much destroys this bro copter.
"Argh, he's still flight-capable!" Petra says, watching as the copter prepares to fly off. "Uh, can someone..."

"I'm on it!" Mulligan says, racing forwards. "I won't allow this copter to threaten our forces!"
"Howard, particularly?" Wallace says over the transceiver, grinning.
"Maybe..." Mulligan replies with a smile. "Now then... have at you!"

Mulligan lands a fantastic shot and sends the copter spiralling to the ground, before exploding into a wreck. He nods, satisfied.
"The benefit of being a missiles expert is that you become a remarkably good shot."

As you can see, Lucy's managed to restore most of the HP from the black bomb that exploded in her face. Next turn, she'll be ready to fly! I've also moved Fleur back so she can heal up, because, well, it's the nice thing to do.

Fliss heads over to finish off the infantry in the meantime.
"We... w-we can't let them take these p-properties!" she says.
"Just mind that you're not in the range of the Black Cannon." Conrad replies, narrowing his eyes. "Urgh, the sooner that thing's gone, the better."
The transceiver crackles and Selena chimes in. "Leave that to the blue team! We'll sort it soon!"

"Alright, I'm trusting you." Conrad replies, preparing to fire on another infantry nearby. "Let's do it, then!"

Now, if you see Sensei's CO Meter, you'll see that it's rather full. However, we need a Tag if we want to beat this map conveniently and safely, so I'm switching to Jake to build up his CO Meter.

Jake is ready, as you can see.

There is one slight disadvantage of switching to Jake right now, but you'll see that in just a second.

Black Hole's turn! Man, they must be feeling embarrassed after that terrible Tag Power usage.

This, meanwhile, is the disadvantage of switching to Jake...

OOF. A full 5 damage to Mulligan, since I only took Cannon Guard on Sensei, not Jake. Still, the Black Cannon's not going to be around for much longer, so we don't have to worry. Mulligan's just gonna head north to heal up now - he's contributed as much as he can. And he did a damn good job, let's be real.

This soldier tries to capture this airport, but I don't know what he thought was going to happen, considering he's stood right in front of an anti-air. He's going to regret his life choices when it's my turn again.

This mech shoots Ingo, but does basically nothing. Blue team defeated a medium tank last time; do you really think a mech is going to pose an issue?
...Yes, ignore the 7 damage he did to Rin, that was unavoidable.

They switch back to Kindle in the meantime.

Frankly, their swapping doesn't affect too much right now. Neither one is going to get their CO Power for some time, especially once Sasha can use Market Crash again, so it's just minor stat
buffs that basically don't matter.

So, fuck it, let's not worry about them.

Black Hole has come up with a unique solution to my strategy of "deploy rockets", which is "also deploy rockets". Annoyingly, it means we can't really make a move on the oozium without putting our soldiers into danger. We'll have to wait for it to move out of the range of the enemy rockets.

I arrange the soldiers like so. The oozium, and the other infantry, should move in and be available to murder next turn.

Meanwhile, let's finally get rid of that fucking mech on the blue team's side.

Yes, you. Rin, make him go away.

A bote makes the mistake of existing in the same ocean as Selena fucking Hartford, and she makes him regret it.

also why the fuck is the water green

So! I mentioned that blue team can handle the Black Cannon, and this is how - we deploy Shaia in a battleship!
"Urgh, a whole ship... I can't believe I signed up for this. Willingly." Shaia murmurs to herself. "Arqa, you and I will be having words about this..."
"Battleship in position!" Selena barks. "Let's get this started, then - that Black Cannon must go down so the green team's assault crew can move on the black obelisk safely!"
"Right, right - on it." Shaia replies.

The artilleries just go and heal up, but I figure I'll send Vanessa down to join Alfonse and capture some buildings. Gotta do something whilst we wait, and Lena can back them up if anything jumps out of the trees and takes them by surprise.

Green team time - and Lucy's fully healed!

So it's time for her to head off. We've got lots to do. Unfortunately, we can't afford the second bomber that we need for our plan right now, but we can at least get Lucy into position. It won't be long to wait; besides, we can't pull it off until we have a Tag anyway, and we're not there yet.

It's time to punch bro copters for free* meter charge!
*punching bro copters does cost Carter's ammo and also turns, but like, it's basically free kills

And the weakened copters can be finished off by Petra, no problems. This is why I said the enemy capturing this airport is actually useful for us last time - because they'll deploy copters every turn, we'll take them out every turn, and Jake will get his meter charged in like, two days. Maybe a bit longer.

And there's even more things to kill! Conrad can finish off this airport-capturing infantry, and I bet he regrets everything right now.

The rest of the soldiers just head north - their job is done, pretty much. You might also be wondering why I've moved Fleur off of the airport - basically, we need to afford a second bomber, so I can't waste funds on repairing units that aren't doing anything right now. I think I would have been able to afford it anyway, but I didn't want to take the risk.
Or, more accurately, I didn't want to do the maths...

Let's see what fuckery Black Hole is up to today.

The infantry charges for Dimitri's Mercenaries, and Boris takes the hit. He grimaces and fires back.
"You think you can take on Dimitri's Mercenaries?! I'm going to destroy you - and that big blob, too!"
"Oh, wow, yeah, that thing's pretty close," Diana says, looking up suddenly. "I won't let it get past me and threaten Dimitri!"

The infantry on the base charges for Carter, which was not part of the plan. Hm.
I'll fix that next turn.

And they deploy another bro copter, and another infantry! Honestly, keep them coming, Kindle.

...Or Koal, I guess. Why do you two idiots keep swapping so much?

Well, let's get started on murdering. First, that infantry can get Yakov'd to death.

Eat rockety murder! And with that done, we can get to work on the ooziu-

Oh, son of a bitch, the rockets moved. God, this sucks. I've pulled everyone back AGAIN, and hopefully now they'll stop fucking following me.

Blue team! Any good news?

Eh, capturing some things, that's fun.

We need to move Shaia in a bit before she can fire on the Black Cannon, but we're able to get her into a pretty perfect position.

So, the cannon's going down soon - time to get green team in position and get that meter charged, then! I don't want this to take more turns than it needs to.

Carter continues bullying the bro copters as they exit the airport. But now... that infantry.
I need Petra to finish off the copter, but I also need that infantry gone.

"Reinforcements have arrived! Take... THIS!" Lucy shouts, dropping her payload of bombs right on top of the offending infantry.
"Heck yeah, nice one!" Carter says. "I'm brilliant, but even I can't attack enemies that get too close to the missile systems... they're more long range, you know?"

"Don't worry, I'm on top of it now!" Petra replies, shifting herself into a better position. "I'll block off any infantry that make a move on you, Carter!"

And that's the green team's turn! As you can see, the meter is slowly filling up. A couple more turns should do it, I think, unless I find something new to murder...
Wait, there was! Up north!

THERE you are, you little bastard. Give me your CO meter charge!

Yes, yes... thank you, Conrad, Fliss. Every little helps right now.

And I should probably deploy the other bomber before I end the turn, come to think of it.
"Well, well, if it isn't me and Lucy, deployed together once again!" Peregrine says, grinning. "Ready for another blowout battle, Luce?"
"I'm already halfway to the obelisk, Peregrine! You'd best catch up before the Queen of the Skies leaves you behind!"
"A race, huh? I'm on it! See you there, Your Highness!"
Lucy chuckles. "Don't mock me... I might just get used to being called 'Your Highness'!"

Alright, NOW the green team's turn is done.

Time for Black Hole to bumble around not doing much. The difficulty of this map is very much front-loaded; once you take out the initial threats, Black Hole really don't have the money or resources to fight you on three fronts, so they just can't do anything about your hordes of bombers and battleships and stuff.

This infantry shoots Petra, regrets it instantly. More news at 10.

BREAKING: A foot unit was deployed right in range of a goddamn artillery. Black Hole continue to not be very good at strategy.

And now they're back to Kindle. Hm. Their CO Meters are starting to fill up a bit again... I guess that's me killing their copters every turn.

This is always the trouble with multi-army maps. You very rarely have something to do with all your teams every turn, since it usually falls on just one team to actually do the final push to finish the map, and everyone else is just... there.

I can poke this oozium with Inessa, anyway. I think I'm going to just dump everyone in range of the rockets and pray.

Zlata does a ton of damage to the oozium, weakening it enough...

...for Ivan to nab the kill. Now to move everyone else in range.

There we go - the rockets can only fire on one unit, and if they don't fire on Yakov, he can fire on them next turn and weaken them enough so that they stop being a problem.

Also, yeah, those CO Meters? All those nearly-full stars?
Not a problem. We have 50k in the bank to Market Crash them with.

"And to you COs trapped in this battle: be still, and give up your stars. They don't belong to you."

Back to zero! Perfect.

Blue team, meanwhile, have a cannon to shoot.

And also this guy, who made the error of standing in Ingo's range. He gets shot a lot.

Shaia lands the first hit on the black cannon - it'll take two, but that's fine. The enemy doesn't really have a way to punish us for this, since they have, like, no botes.

"The enemy's still standing!" Rin says, and Ingo winces.
"Yeah, Lena, can you get up here?"
"I... can." Lena says. "I'll help, if it means we'll win this battle."
And she does!

Vanessa and Alfonse continue capturing down south, meanwhile.
"I got a property! Beat that, 'Fonse!" Vanessa crows.
Alfonse nods. "Well, I just got a comm tower. I'd argue that's more useful."
"Ooh, you're not going to beat me, you know!"
"I don't know why we're in competition in the first place, Vanessa..."

Let's move on to the green team, then. We've got more bro copters to punch before we meet our quota.

Peregrine begins heading south to rendezvous with Lucy before they move on the obelisk.

Carter continues punching. More bro copters! More! We need all the CO Meter charge we can get!

And we can finish it with Petra as per usual. That infantry, though...

Meanwhile, Mulligan and Fliss get back to base to heal up and restore themselves. They've earned a rest after this battle - thanks, guys.

Ah, yes, I can bombnnihilate this infantry with Lucy, of course!

And thus we move on to Black Hole's turn. They will, in fact, continue to not do very-

Fuck, that was like, the ONE unit I didn't want the rockets to shoot.
I hate these stupid rockets and I want them to die.

The deployed bro copter and infantry trap Lucy between them. This will prove to be a problem for about 0.04 seconds.

Right, what the fuck do I do about these goddamn rockets now?

I decide to sneak Inessa under their range, so she can fire on them. They'll either move or die, both of which are good for me.

I move Dimitri and Zlata over to the artillery, also, just in case it decides to try anything funny.

Now then, there's a cannon that needs enfuckerating.

And this infantry, apparently, where the hell did you come from?

I just get Alfonse to shoot him. He's... not a problem.

Now onto the main event - do it, Shaia!
"Alright, here goes the cannon..." sighs Shaia, hitting the button to launch the battleship's cannons.

The almighty explosion causes the water around to boil, and the debris rains down all around as a plume of smoke bursts into the sky. Shaia watches the destruction with her eyes wide, admiring the flashes of lights.
"I... did that?"
"You certainly did." Michael replies. "Not bad, Shaia! Well done!"
"Wonderful! It was almost like Kevin was with us again - what a great shot!" says Aanisah, admiring the explosion of the cannon.

Green team is back in action - let's get started.

First thing we need to do is punch this copter so that, like, Lucy can get the hell out of there.

And then we blow it up!
"The way's open, Lucy! Better meet up with Peregrine before she gets to the obelisk before you!" Petra replies.
"Oh, I'd never let that happen! I'll be right on time!" Lucy says, giggling as she zooms off in her bomber. Carter watches her go, shaking his head, impressed.
"Man, bombers are so cool... I'd love to fly one, someday."

"Thought you were going to be late!" Peregrine says, grinning as she meets up with Lucy, just a short distance south of her position.
"Never! I've got a big rock to blow up, and I want you to do it with me!" Lucy replies, and Peregrine nods.
"Sounds fucking grand to me! First the factories, then the Deathray... and now this! Possibly our greatest victory yet!"
Michael, on the transceiver, sighs. "Don't count your chickens before they hatch, girls... I don't want you overreaching and getting into trouble. You haven't won yet!"
"Right, right, we'll hold back on the 'victory' talk then." Peregrine says. "Let's roll, Lucy!"

And, as you can see... on the same turn our bombers get into position, we get our Tag Power. We're ready for next turn - just one more enemy phase to go.

Seems like Kindle is determined to be a nuisance.

Thankfully, this isn't going to do anything to my bombers, which are the only units on the map that matter now, so this doesn't do a whole lot for her.

I mean, maybe it makes her feel better, I dunno.

This infantry suicides into Alfonse, achieving absolutely nothing.

And this little infantry attacks Petra, also doing basically fuckall.

Well, that sure happened.

We don't really need to do anything with the orange team, but I just wanted to point out that the rockets fled. I'm still going to kill them, as promised.

But not with these guys. They've done all they needed to.

Same with the blue team, really.

A fantastic job all-round, though - getting those silos was not easy, but we managed it.

So let's sit back, relax, and enjoy a classic Throwing Multiple Bombers At The Problem kind of ending, shall we?

Here we go.

I roll like this too! Well, I usually deploy like six bombers, but two will do in this case.

Tragically this Tag Power has no unique name. I tried to brainstorm some, but I got absolutely nothing workable or funny.

Peregrine erases the rockets for me. Told you I'd kill 'em!
This isn't the only reason I brought two bombers, by the way. The enemy can block up that single chokepoint with units sometimes, and it prevents you from moving in and taking out the black obelisk in one turn - bringing two bombers and a Tag Power lets you push through virtually anything they might have to block your path. Thankfully, they didn't even block us off this time, so whatever!

Lucy can't quite reach the obelisk, but she can smash this pipe seam. We get like 5 points for that, may as well.

And don't think I forgot about this bro copter! He's getting fucked up too.

Petra finishes him off, and that's all the bro copters punched! Thanks for providing the punching bags, Kindle and Koal, really appreciate it.

So... the map's done. Let's finish this.

Even Sensei's all fired up! You can tell everything's riding on this Tag Power.

Peregrine flies above the black obelisk, and she recalls a similar experience, many months ago.
"Listen up, Black Hole, since you didn't pay attention last time! I'm Peregrine Siddeley Lockheed, and with this payload, I'm fucking telling you, you'd better give the hell up! Because there's no way you can beat all of us together! The finest soldiers, and the best ACOs, and the mightiest COs!" she cries. "But more than that, we've got a fucking cause! You shitstains think you can mess up this world, but we won't stop fighting, ever! Even if there's only one tiny island left on this planet that isn't dust and desert, we'd use that as a base to gear up and destroy you! You understand?! We always come back! HYAAAAAAH!"

The bombs land true, and the black obelisk releases its energy in one mighty blast, exploding outwards, shards of blackened crystal launching every which way, littering the battleground with the remnants of Black Hole's ambitions.











Victory! No S-rank, but everyone's alive, and as we know, that's all I personally give a shit about. (Besides, my campaign rank is going to be enormously inflated after I ran through the oozium map like 20 times.)

Sasha and Sensei promote! Which means we've unlocked Sasha's alternate outfit alongside Hawke's and Lash's. I need to show those off next time.

I absolutely love the different energy these two bring. They're from two completely different worlds, it's hysterical.
And with that... our battle is done.







Oh, god, Sensei's fucking senile. Or faking it. I like that interpretation.













Did you try looking behind you, Sasha?














Javier has a castle, confirmed. That... doesn't surprise me, actually, but man, how much money does that dude have?













































And thus, the third arc of this long adventure is over, with the destruction of the black obelisk.
Next, we will move onto the fourth and final arc as we close out Advance Wars: Dual Strike.
It is the story of the world's greatest strategist, and how they came to prove their worth when the world needed them most.
Let us begin.















Bluewater Sea. That's... that's actually the name of the ocean. I love this stupid game.














































So, yeah, like a million new COs just joined us! Apropos of nothing, too. Can't say I'm upset, though, a few fan favourites are back in action!

We've got quite a map this time... it's mostly blocked off, and since Black Hole never break pipe seams themselves, it'll give us some time to set up, I guess... but they have a lot of forces...

We have a ton of COs to choose from now - and tragically, all our new ones are rank 0, so that's annoying. We could still use them if they're useful, I guess - as usual, the vote's up to you guys! Three teams, two COs on each, and we're fighting Kindle and Olaf!
See you next time, everyone!
***
Update 58 (Intermission) - The Victory Feast