Part 75: Chapter 75 (Battle) - Market Crash Is Incredibly Fair And Balanced

Update 75 (Battle) - Market Crash Is Incredibly Fair And Balanced

Alright, it's time - last time we delayed Von Bolt's Ex Machina, then he just used in on like 2 infantry and an artillery for some reason. So, may as well take advantage of that as we push through the second half of this map!



So yeah, here's our units that can't act - the only real issue here is Zlata, but with Lena and Selena in our Neotank and megatank, we've still got firepower for days.



Plus, rockets. Inessa murders the nearest infantry.



Our backup tanks will now be catching up - you may recall that Kyril's in our tank, and Boris is in our medium tank.



The other great thing about Javier is not just that he's absurdly strong, but he can use his CO Power, like, every other turn if you hit enough things and take enough hits.



Tower Shield! Now watch everything die.



If we want to maximise our damage output and take out the relevant threats (in particular, that full-HP anti-air in the top left), then we need to be very specific about what we murder. First, Vanessa blows up this copter.



This allows Selena to cut right through here and blow open this crystal - honestly, 90% of my motivation for this isn't because the crystal heals and refuels units, but just because it's literally in my way.



Lena comes flying in to delete the tank, finally leaving the way clear to get rid of these artillery and anti-air dudes.



Dimitri blows up the artillery. "The enemy's losing their nerve. We must be close to pushing through."

"Or they're gearing up for a counterattack. Harrumph! Be on your guard!" Von Panzer replies.

Lucy narrows her eyes as she spots a fighter jet charging towards her. "Yeah, they're not giving up on this side of the battlefield. This clone's still got some bite, I think - but he's no match for the real my dude!"



Von Panzer can head up here and take out this anti-air, which was my original plan. I love it when a plan comes toget



god damn it von panzer

This isn't an enormous problem, though. The main thing is that these weakened anti-airs can no longer threaten the green team's air force, like Diana in the copter.



Michael heads over to refuel Vanessa.

"That was a close thing, huh?" Michael says. "Your trust in Rose is admirable."

"Hey, she's taught me a lot. The main thing I've learned, though..." Vanessa replies with a wink. "Is that Rose doesn't leave a single thing up to chance."

"True! Let's see how she and my dude handle the rest of this battle, then." Michael answers. He looks up at the battlefield ahead of them, the black obelisk rising up far above them. "A clone of my dude... that must be a worthy opponent indeed."



I move the rest of the troops up, but they'll just be playing catch-up, pretty much. The main part of the battle is over, so our backline ranged units have done most of what they need to do.

...Yes, I know Mulligan hasn't actually done anything, but shush.



Grit's almost done with his end of things, too. That battleship needs to go, first.



Plus, Carter finishes off his capturing. Good lad - not that we need the money, but hey.



Unfortunately, we can't even two-shot this fucking bote - Alina lands another solid hit on it, though, and renders it basically useless.



I try doing this to see if I can get a cheeky extra point of damage with Valeria, but no dice.



By surrounding the ship and moving Khepri north, though, I can pretty effectively avoid any of my units getting shot by this thing. We'll kill it next turn.

Khepri's on a special mission, called "we cannot let them keep that port".



Additionally, this cannon's going to cause problems for my units up here. Once the battleship goes down, I need to move Eva up to take it out.



Now it's the green team's turn. And if you remember at the end of the last part, they have a god damn fighter to worry about!



Diana isn't concerned about the fighter, though, and instead shoots this tank nearby.



My plan here was "Lucy can probably oneshot this with a good luck roll or whatever".

My dude! This wasn't part of the plan!

No, no, it's fine, look-



...

I'll admit, not my best move.

...I blame my dude entirely for being an idiot.

Oh, quiet, you.



Meanwhile, even at 5HP, Peregrine can do some damage, so I have her attack this transport copter before it can... transport.



I then realise I have absolutely no way to save Lucy from this fighter, but Klara comes over to give her backup at the very least.

"I should've been able to take that guy out... my aim might've been off." Lucy frets.

"Lucy! You're gonna be OK." Vanessa replies. "I know this wasn't exactly to plan, but I'm sure my dude's got something up his sleeve."

Lucy smiles sadly. "I've been in situations like this before. I can't keep getting lucky every time, can I?"



Oh god. Here we go.



...Back to the minicannon fuckery, anyway.

And, as predicted, the minicannon blasts Von Panzer for 3HP. It's not a huge deal, but it's going to get supremely annoying if it doesn't go away quickly.



This Dick Captures A Property: 61



"Lucy, here it comes!" Klara roars. "Don't attack her, you fucker! Come to me instead, and be torn to bloody shreds!"

Ingo feels the breath catch in his throat. "Lucy... Lucy!"

"Ingo, I just wanted to say... I'm so proud of how far you've come." Lucy says, her voice wavering as the fighter jet screams across the sky. "And tell my dude... tell my dude it's not his fault."

The fighter jet's missiles blast through the air quicker than anybody can react, tearing through Lucy's bomber as she gives a scream. A final blast rocks the bomber, which bends...



...but doesn't break.

"There we fucking go! Knew it!" Peregrine yells. Lucy, white-faced, picks up the transceiver.

"Wh-what?"

"Did you forget whose bomber you're in? That's Clyde! And you might remember something about WHO constructed Clyde..."

"Oh, of course." Rose breathes. "That's a Kanbei bomber. Superior offences and defences thanks to the expensive production value."

I breathe a long, long sigh of relief. "Holy shit, that was a near thing."

"Peregrine... you've saved my life." Lucy says, a wide smile crossing her face. "Let's push on, then! If even that attack couldn't stop us, then nothing else will!"

Ingo slumps against his artillery, sliding down to the floor. "Thank god, thank god..."

"Fuck me, that was way too close." Dave growls. "They're not gonna take a single one of us! You fuckin' hear me, clone my dude?! NOT A SINGLE ONE!"



Another really good thing happens here - Von Bolt deploys some rockets. Well, that's not good, but the good thing is that he left the port totally undefended.



I already didn't like Von Bolt, but he and this goddamn clone just tried to kill Lucy Ophelia Maxwell, darling of the Orange Star barracks and Queen of the Skies.

There will not be mercy.



Ingo lets out all of his fury on the nearest infantry, blasting it.



Inessa, meanwhile, is capable of one-shotting her infantry, so she does that. We don't want to hand over our com towers.



Boris and Kyril have caught up, so Boris crushes this recon heading down.



And sure, I could use Kyril to do this, but I have the infantry doing nothing, may as well use them. Dave charges forward, full of rage.

"No more!" Dave growls, but before he fires, he hears a voice behind him.

"Dave!" Rin says. She's not sure what else to add, but she looks at him nervously.

Dave nods. "I know, kid. You don't need to say anything."

He readies his gun and fires on the infantry ahead of him.

"Don't worry - this is a carefully-controlled anger. I'm fighting... for the living."



Meanwhile, poor Von Bolt's not going to get to use his newly-deployed rockets, as Lena just kind of destroys them.

"Your lowly rockets are nothing. Be crushed under my heel!" Lena mutters, her face a mask of fury.



Zlata murders this tank. There's a lot of random units just stood around now, so we just kind of have to clean up before we push further north. We're very close, though - which is why we need to be careful.

There's already been one catastrophic mistake in this battle. Let's not have any more.

I swear, I know what I'm doing. That fighter is dead meat, no matter what it does.

...Ah, a pincer. I see your plan now.



Overkill? Yes.

Funny? Immeasurably so.



And of course, Michael's on hand to keep Selena's ammo topped up. A megatank and an APC are a fantastic duo.



The two anti-airs decided to a dumb thing and join up, which means Dimitri can take them both out in one shot. There's nothing left that can threaten my plane dominance now!

"What about the fighter je-"

what about shut up



Von Panzer plinks at the pipe seam. That's not terribly useful, but he's also blocking up this factory, which IS very useful.



And despite being on the brink of death, our girl Vanessa refuses to retreat as per usual, and pushes ahead to shoot anything she can get her mitts on, like this transport copter.



...I can't even be mad. She's on 3HP, expecting a kill would have been silly.



And thus our tank squad, accompanied by Diana, continue to surge northward. Once that seam is broken open, we're basically in the endgame.



There's still plenty of things we need to deal with before we can safely approach the seam, though, and Grit's going to be helping with that.



And he does this by blocking up this port. A battleship or something here would be super annoying, but Khepri's here now!



And with Alina landing the killing blow on this battleship, the botening gambit is now 100% dealt with. We control the oceans now!

...We will celebrate by dragging everyone back to the port to heal and refuel.



Well, Valeria and Alina will, anyway. Lloyd in the carrier and Eva in the battleship can contribute a little bit in the north, so I'm bringing them up as quickly as I can.



On the plane side of things, we are... not in a great position. However, I have a plan.



This isn't part of the plan, but hey, the more money Sasha has, the harder her Market Crash hits. And we are going to need a BIG Market Crash before the end of this map.



So, thanks to the absolutely massive movement of planes, I can retreat Lucy back into the pipe seam...



...and block it up with Klara. Fighters can fire on stealth fighters, but Klara still has the HP to take a hit and hit back. Plus, if the fighter jet does head down to hit Klara, it'll also move into Peregrine's range - the two girls should be able to gang up and kill this thing.



I can even slot Darwin between the two girls, so he refuels both of them. Man, APCs have been more useful in this one map than like, the entirety of Advance Wars 2.



The annoying thing about not landing a kill on this copter is that now I need Diana to do it - which also means that she's in minicannon range. Still, it should be fine, copters are pretty bulky against land units, so there's nothing that can really threaten her.



I'm a little concerned that Klara/Peregrine might not be enough to take out the fighter, so I'm deploying another fighter - our girl Andromeda.

"H-hello! I'm going to back, help, save Peregrine and Lucy! They're my... friends! You won't... fucking hurt them!" Andromeda cries.

"Attagirl, Andy!" Peregrine cries. "Head north as soon as you can - company's on the way!"



I can't believe this single fighter jet is proving to be more of a nuisance than, like, the entire botening gambit was. Clone my dude knows as well as I do that planes are the strongest units in the game.



Let's just see if he takes the bait.



Well, first, Diana gets minicannon'd in the face. She's fine, though.



And, uh, the fighter just kind of moves south and doesn't attack? I could've sworn fighters can fire on stealth'd stealth units, but perhaps I'm wrong. Does it have to 'discover' them first, like Fuck of War?



Either way, my plan to save Lucy worked better than perfect, so I'm not complaining. Now Von Bolt's various foot units just kind of wander around causing trouble, but it's not that bad, really.



He deploys a tank and a bro copter now, though. I need to get control of that airport, stat.



So, let's see how we're going to approach things on this turn.



Lena takes care of the first of our problems - but someone to block up the base would be nice, too.



Zlata can kill this infantry most of the way to death, and anyone else can finish the poor fucker off.



Vanessa continues to contribute despite her damage - next she deletes this infantry, opening up the other base. We can block that too!



We've got other things to be killing around here, though, so I have Boris take out another infantry. Von Bolt's close to running out of units now.



Hell, even Kyril in a regular tank is one-shotting these guys. It's not like they're any kind of threat to a bunch of Javier-powered ground units.

Or any units, really. Unless your name is Dave, you have no business fighting tanks as a foot unit.



So, I know I've been underutilising Selena in the megatank, but this massively overkill damage is strategically viable because...

...OK, it's not, but it's funny, though. It's not like Selena was in range to shoot anything else.



Von Panzer moves to the left to block up the leftmost factory, so Dimitri fills the space he vacated, and chips the pipe seam for a bit more damage.



We've pretty effectively cleared out the middle and the left. Please ignore everything going to shit on the right - I swear, I have it under control.



See, look, we have Grit! Grit will help.



Actually, there's not much for Grit to do this turn. We get Alina closer to the port, though. She's not got any fuel issues, really, but best to be safe.



Eva heads north, with the cannon in her sights, whilst Lloyd heads up to the port. He's in position.



Right, now back to the bit where everything is on fire. Let's see what we can do to sort this little fighter problem, shall we?



Andromeda isn't quite in range to shoot, but I move her up anyway, whilst Klara goes for the jugular.



And we get a factory!

...OK, back to the action.



I debated attacking the fighter jet with Peregrine, but she'd be in rough shape after the counterattack. Instead, I just initiate on this poor copter up here that can't fight back.



And of course, we have 56k sitting in the bank, whilst Von Bolt's CO Meter is looking a bit full...



This is absolutely the intended way to beat this game. Javier and Sasha all the way, baby!



And with that amount of money, the CO Meter is totally wiped out. Spoiler-that's-not-really-a-spoiler: he's not going to get it filled again before the end of the map.



We have the money, so I figured we may as well deploy another backup fighter in case shit gets fucked. Howard, join the party!

"Hey, Mull, finally made it at last. Uh, how's things?"

Mulligan chuckles. "Things on my end are fine, Howard - it's the air forces that are struggling. You need to help them out."

"Oh, god, of course the final mission is going to be stressful..." Howard mutters to himself, shuddering for a moment.



So, this turn is called Pick A God And Pray, because Frederick Fire Emblem is here we need that enemy fighter to do one of two things.



Boris gets shot by the cannon. I swear to god, I'm going to destroy that thing soon.



This Dick Captures A Property: 62

So, yes, we either want the enemy fighter to attack Andromeda in the south...



...or Peregrine in the north, there we go!

"Peregrine, it's coming your way!" Howard shouts as he watches the jet zoom off. Klara gasps.

"That fucking plane! If it touches a hair of your head, I'll crush it into scrap!!"

"Nah, it's fine!" Peregrine shouts, narrowing her eyes. "Here we go. Come at me, you fucker!"



Peregrine's fighter holds tough against the enemy fighter. Peregrine gives a gasp. "Th-there we go! Lloyd, is everything good?"

"Aye, lass. Ye've done good work!"



So, yeah, the fighter moving north actually solves all of our problems - firstly, it's blocking up its own airport, which we couldn't do because of the copter. And secondly... well, you'll see in a moment.



So, uh, that chip damage on the seam wasn't necessary, as I just have Lena oneshot it. With that, the way to the black obelisk is open!



Selena joins her sister in the seam, prepared to defend her from... well, the nonexistent enemies, but you never know what might be lurking around. That's all the middle team have to do right now, though, so we can just move on.



So, Grit's also not got much to do, but he does have one very specific thing he needs to do before we finish.



It's not refuelling Alina, though that is also good to do. Don't want to lose a sub on the last turn of the map.



It's also not capturing this factory, but, you know, style points.



No, it's this.



"Alright, here it comes! Get the cannons ready, men, and..." Lloyd roars.



"FIIIIIIRE!!"

And we fire ACROSS the island to take out the plane. If Lloyd was one space closer, then he could lock down that airport without needing Snipe Attack, but here, we need the +1 range, and god damn, isn't it satisfying to look at?



Eva shoots the cannon, but it's kind a moot point. This map is fucking over.



The green team don't even have to do anything, really.



We'll move Howard up to rejoin the others though, just in case I somehow fuck up spectacularly.



I stick Peregrine on the airport to prevent any more annoying things from happening next turn.



Klara and Andromeda come to join her.

"W-well done, Perry!" Andromeda says anxiously. "I thought everything would go to shit, but you alive, survived!"

"Of course I did! You don't need to worry 'bout me, alright, Andy?" Peregrine replies with a grin. "Worry about the poor fucker that got eviscerated by Lloyd!"



It's the clone's last turn. He's got no hope now.

…That sounds like bullshit.



This time it's poor Dimitri, just to the left of the seam, who gets shot by the cannon. Fuck the cannon, though. We don't even care about it.



...That could be bad, though. Hand in there, Diana!

"I've had this conversation before with the soldiers of Black Hole..." Diana growls.



"You'll have to shoot me another five or six hundred times if you want me to die for good!"



It's the end.



Inessa can get a cheeky kill on this mech, so I figured I may as well. Power score is a thing, after all.

Any last things to say to clone my dude and Von Bolt, Javier?



Ooh, that's a good one. Let's do it!



This is completely unnecessary, but I'm absolutely going to end this map in style.



Selena rumbles to a stop outside the black obelisk. "There it is, Lena. The culmination of Von Bolt's ambitions... you've come a long way to be here. It's only right that you end it."



Michael takes his position. "Definitely, Lena. This whole army's on your side now - if we're going to do this, we're going to do it together. We believe in you!"



"You're right. I'm going to end it." Lena says, driving her Neotank forward and facing the might of the black obelisk. "Von Bolt... I once said I hated my country, and that I'd do anything to see it fall. This isn't what I wanted, though... and so I reject you! Selena was right... I always believed, that there’s a world that loves me. And she doesn't have to fight to build that world for me anymore. I'm going to build it myself! And the first step to doing that is righting the wrongs that I have caused! Take... THIS!"



With an almighty explosion as the black obelisk cracks under the strain of Lena's bazooka shots. The shards burst out in every direction, coating the sandy ground in a layer of shattered crystal. And ahead of it all, a young woman, her blonde hair flowing in the breeze, stands astride her Neotank and looks upon her work.

She feels at peace for the first time in a long time.



…But I’m… I've never... I can't lose…

Do you get it now, Von Bolt?

You...are not...hhh...the world's greatest...strategist...

No. That would be Rose Kuroda. But I'm afraid that wasn't your only mistake.

What are you talking about?

Do you think I'm strong because I'm a brilliant strategist? Just having a clone of me isn't enough. Because you lack what you really need. What really makes me strong.

...

You don't have a Dave Ruston, the Tankslayer. You don't have a Tina Van Koning. You don't have a Lucy Ophelia Maxwell, Queen of the Skies. You don't have a Dimitri Volkov, the Meteor. You don't have a Mulligan or a Howard. You don't have a Cassandra Morgenstern, the Morningstar. And, as of the Battle of the Tower of Rebirth...

You don't have a mother fucking Madam Director.

My dude...

It's over, Von Bolt. You miscalculated.

...It's...over...

So that's why the black obelisk has been destroyed! My eternal beauty... It's fading!

Retreat...hhh...for now... Leave the clone. He was...hhh...worthless, in the end...

Hey! Those rats are tryin' to run!

They're not going anywhere! We're going to end this right now!

OK! Let's go!

Is everyone ready? It's time for the final showdown!

...My dude...

Rose? Are you OK?

I have...given everything inside of myself. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.

...I know, kid. It's hard, when we're at the very end, to maintain that energy. These are the toughest battles we've ever faced. You just need to hang on for one more fight, OK?

One more fight...

You're doing great, Rose. Let's finish it together.



And we got a perfect score for that map. Very satisfying! Let's see if we can't do the same thing for this final map.



Grit and Sonja promote, too, but I doubt that'll have much bearing on this final map.



Actually, Hawke, we sacrificed nothing, since nobody died. Were you paying attention?



...Here it is, anyway. The final, FINAL map.



There's nowhere to run!

Hhh... I knew...hhh...you'd come.

You've totally jacked up Omega Land. You killed the trees and dried up the lakes and turned everything into wasteland. How could you do that just to satisfy your own twisted ego?

Hehh hhh hhh... I find you...hhh....amusing. Everything...hhh...requires energy to...hhh...live... It is...hhh...the natural order...

Aha ha ha ha! Lord Von Bolt is quite right. We are simply doing what comes naturally--what any other living thing would do.

There's a difference between seeking food for your own survival, and seeking to extend your life beyond what would be natural. I can tell just from looking at you, Von Bolt...you should have died a long, long time ago.

Yeah, Rose is right, you're talkin' crazy!

Let me ask a question, dear one: what does it mean to live?

Huh?

Hhh... All living things...hhh...take energy... Take it from...hhh...the outside world... It is how...hhh...all creatures are able to... Hhhhhhh...to live and to grow... Hhhhhh!

What the heck are you trying to say? Stop wheezing out this hogwash!

Nourishment. Eating. You consume something so that it may extend your life. That's what all living things do. Even plebeians such as yourselves breathe and eat and drink... Correct? We do the same. But our food is simply... Omega Land itself. Its energy.

Yeah? You a big fan of dirt sandwiches?

Aha ha ha! No. I need all of Omega Land's energy to preserve my allure. It takes a tremendous amount of power to seize and keep eternal beauty. If I absorb the life force of this pathetic land, I can stay young forever!

If I hear that laugh ONE more time in this campaign...

So you're trashing Omega Land just to preserve yourself?

We have...hhh...taken the trouble...hhh... to amass all this energy...hhh... And now you...hhh...leave me...no choice. I will...hhh...use this energy...hhhh... Use it to...hhhhhh...annihilate you all! Hhhhhhhhh... Hhhhhhnnnnnggggggh!

What the hell is he doing now?

Wha...?

Hey, what's going on? He's acting weird!

Hhhh...hhhhhhnnngggaaa! Whaaa haa! I've used the energy stored in the black obelisk to fuel my frail body! I feel like I have the strength of ten men... Each of whom possesses the strength of ten men!

Oh my god, he's lost his mind.

Whaaaa haa haaaa! Get them, my oozium! Feast on them! Consume the weak-minded fools! Devour all energy left on this planet! Leave nothing behind!

This is diabolical. We cannot allow this man to continue in this way. We must stop him!

Whaaa haa haa! Whaaaa haaaa haaa! Whaaaaaa haaaaa haaaaaa haaaaa!!!! Whaaaaaaaaa haaaa haaa haaaaaaa!!



I feel like that's understating it a bit, Rachel.

Dude...psycho.

What the FUCK is that?!

Look at the size of that thing!

Behold the sheer magnitude of it!

I call this massive oozium the Grand Bolt... And I will use it to swallow you whole! Once I do, I will suck Omega Land dry and take its energy for myself!

Dude. You couldn't be more of a loser! You only care about yourself! You're not thinking about the land or anyone else. That kind of thing will only lead to your own destruction!

Whaaa haa haa haaa! Shut it, boy! Your inane hipster slang is an affront to my ears and a waste of my time. Slink home while you can still walk!

Well, I'm glad somebody's saying what we're all thinking.

Hey! He might say it in a silly way, but he's right! You're a-

Oooh, snap! You showed me, meat bag! Consider yourself served with a subpoena of pain! Yeah...that's lawyer style!

Never mind. You can kill him.

And so, with that, the final map is upon. The bad news? The secondary front is AI-controlled. For the final goddamn map.

So, yeah, this one's going to be interesting. We only get two COs, one for the main front when we need to smack that big oozium, and one for the secondary front where we're going to get slaughtered we need to destroy the black crystals protecting the Grand Bolt.

Place your votes!

And for those who have played this game before, you may also place your votes on whether Jake will or won't break the chair.

***

Update 76 (Intermission) - Seeking Forgiveness