Part 21: In which Alice races against the clock.

Right, let's see how quickly I can get that crown. Down from here...



...which way from here?

To the right first.



It's a dead end!

But there's an interesting goodie to look at.

It is a discarded Ormolu camera with a little inscribed plate on it: 'Property of C.L.D.'

Ormolu.

And another author self-insert.

I don't know if it counts, since he's not the author of this game.

Well, I'm pressing on.



So if that ferret had nicked something...

...it'd wind up here. Good to know.



Another B word and another Dodgson reference.

What are the odds?



Another dead end! Now what do I do?

At a guess? Interrogate the sheep.

End of Wonderland sale. Everything must go! Boats! Anchors! Sails!

Excuse me, but I'm looking for a crown. I don't suppose you've seen one?

It's too late for that. The end draws nigh.

I've got to try, at least! Please help me!

I think the Red King is waking up. We'll all disappear then.

That's exactly why I've got to get out of here!

You can't get around me that way, missy.

Psst. Alice.

Hmm?

Don't you know a sheep-related song?

I know two, actually... I 'll try this one.

Munch, munch, munch
The sheep are eating
Grassy meadows far and wide.

(To the tune of 'Jesus Loves the Little Children'.)



What the... the whole room's changed!

End of Wonderland sale. Everything must go! Boats! Anchors! Sails!

Which means we have another way out now.

Hooray!



Useless.



No, another obstacle!

Hup. Two. Three. Four. Sorry. Only recruits and other lower life forms allowed in the barracks.

Who are you this time?

Regimental Sergeant-Major Hatter.

And why are you guarding a bunch of furry shrubs?

Those are not furry shrubs. They're hats that are called busbies.

Busbies!

Quiet, you. We're in a barracks, then?

In the barracks of the 12th Wonderland Hussars.

Huzzah!

Quiet! Mister Hatter, I simply must get past. It's a matter of life-and-death!

Don't snivel. Only officers get to do that.

Is there anything I can do to persuade you to let me pass?

Well, I am thirsty. You wouldn't have some bread-and-butter, would you?

But food won't-- no, no, crown first, logic later. Here. One bread-and-butterfly. Eat hearty.

Now I don't have to have tea with the Bellman in the Belfry.

And another obstacle crumbles before your might.

Less talking, more walking!



Oh dear.

Welcome to the Barbecue.

I don't like the look of him.

Yum! You look like an oyster!

Yeah, you don't want to touch him. Unless you're large, in which case he won't mess with you, but there's no reason to go past him anyway.

I'll double back, then, and take the ladder.



Another useless room.

There's a sign, though.

Closed. Gone to have dinner with Queen Alice. L. Mutton

Didn't someone say something about the mutton?

Yeah. Let's look for the dinner table or something.



Does everyone in this castle have nothing better to do than stand in my way?

I'll have to see your ticket stub.

I don't have time for this!

The gatekeeper always gives ticket stubs. Out!

Why aren't you baking bread or something?

Someone has to catch the sneaks around here; and you look like a sneak if ever there was one.

I am not a sneak! I'm just in a very large hurry!

Do you know my Aunt Tillie? She used to scowl just like that. Out!

Stop shouting at me, you pushy pallid provocation!

Nice alliteration.

It's really that obvious how pale I am? You see, I haven't been able to sleep for thinking about this riddle: What can take you for a terrifying ride every evening around the world and yet never leave your home? It's a ---------.

That's pretty easy, even without the two obvious--

 Nightmare !

Alice!

Very good!

It's rude to cut someone off!



Don't care. Which door?

Go down.



This isn't the banquet room!

True, but if you touch the bee, you get knocked down to the lower level.

Which lets me access that passage, I see. Which will take me...



Here? You're wasting my time!

Relax, I'll call the Prince. I just wanted to show the folks at home that (a) there's no reason to go past the beast unless you can't figure out that riddle and (b) what happens if you touch the beast when you're not full size.

...all right, but only because you'll reversing time.



Where am I now?

The Borogove, of course.

...





That door the monster's guarding leads to the bird cage room, so we can get out of here. But it'd be a waste of time.

Did someone say time?



Thank you. Now which door? Honestly.

The bottom one.



Well, this is the banquet room, but where's the banquet?

Stand where you are please.

And who are you?

The Wasp in the Wig.

I'm looking for the mutton. I hear it can help me become queen. Can you help me?

I have to stand at attention until someone sings the right song.

Yes, song, of course. What was it... what was it...?

And I thought you were a well-bred girl.

Quiet! Oh! I remember now.

Come on and give a cheer.
Queen Alice is finally here.
Now we can sit!

(To the tune of 'God Save The Queen'.)



The room changed again.

Food! Real food!

Well, you certainly took your time getting here.

Quiet! You don't know what I've gone through to get here!

You must have stayed out in the hot sun too long.

Hot sun has been the least of my worries!

Humph. You weren't the one sitting in cold gravy.

Cold gravy would be a picnic compared to what I've been through! I've been half-drowned, verbally abused, sent to the far reaches of the earth--

Whoa, Alice, settle down! Find your happy place!

A little dinner music might be soothing.

That's not a bad idea, actually. I think she's a bit too far gone for it, though. *ahem*

Farewell, Mutton!
Fare well, Lamb Chops!
Hello, Salads!
I'm a vegetarian now.

(To the tune of 'Good Night, Ladies!')

I think the Red King is starting to wake up. Hurry.

--and then he had the nerve to call me-- oh, what's this?

You see a paper crown that fits around joints of mutton. It's a little greasy with spots of congealed gravy.

...it's a crown.

Not really a queenly crown...

It doesn't matter! It's a crown! And I have a key! And it's only five o'clock! Maybe I still have time!





...

Alice?



...

*sob*

Alice...

*weep*

Alice... it's only ten hours or so. It's not like he'll never be back.

...you're... *sob* You're right. I was just so close!

Don't worry. I'll keep you company.

Okay. There's... there's just something I have to do first.

Hmmm?



...Alice? Alice, what are you doing to that--

Hunger.



...I'll just wait for you in the belltower, shall I? Next time on 'Alice in Wonderland'... I pray, for his sake, that the Bellman accepts that crown and key...

Mmm. Delicious.