Part 9: In which Alice meets bureaucrats and aristocrats alike.

All right, let's get this kidnapping over with.

Wait a minute. Let's go right first.

What? Why?

Trust me, you'll want to.

Why should I trust you? You seem to delight in making me suffer! Making me swim in freezing, muddy water, making me tumble down several stories, slamming me into walls again and again and again...

Alice--

All I wanted was a quiet afternoon in the countryside, and I've received nothing but abuse and torment--

Alice!

What?

I know I've treated you poorly in the past. And I can't promise I won't treat you poorly in the future. But I'm telling you that, right now, going to the right is the best decision you can make.

I don't believe you.

If I'm lying, I'll... I'll switch places with you.

...you can do that?



I'll certainly try.

...all right. I'll trust you. Just this once.



But you'd better be right.

While Alice is taking this walk, I'm going to take the time to address a question someone raised. Despite appearances, the people in Wonderland don't get offended at random. If a character can be offended, one specific conversation option, be it Coaxing or Scolding, will be the one that causes them to leave; once you know what the option is, you just avoid it in future conversations.



Anyone who's offended will tell you when they'll return, and you can resume the conversation then. On the other hand, sometimes characters leave for good when you say or do the right thing. This is either because they were blocking your way, like the dog earlier, or because they've just given you an item you'll need, like the fan the White Rabbit dropped. If you have any other questions about game mechanics, feel free to ask.



We've run out of right, unless I'm supposed to jump that hedge.

No point; there's an invisible barrier. Just go into town hall.

Not going to walk me into a wall?

I don't want to abuse your trust.



Oh, it's one of the card people. I remember them. He doesn't look like a soldier, though.

If you don't have an appointment, you'll have to leave.

Appointment? What do you mean, appointment?

No time to talk. I'm going to the other tea party. It's all the way over in the rabbit hole.

He left!

I can fix that.

*!dniwer*

If you don't have an appointment, you'll have to leave.

So who are you then?

Senior clerk. We'll have our titles on our forehead next month.

Senior clerk of what?

The town hall of Lesser Tew.

Lesser Tew? That sounds familiar.

Google says it's a town in England.

Why are you wasting my time with questions?

But you're not doing anything at all! You're just walking back and forth.

I don't have time for that. Here. Take this memo on the need for appointments. I'm off to the museum. The ferrets put on such interesting displays.

And he's gone again.

He left something behind, though.

The memo says: 'Impatient people not only lose their tempers but their heads as well. Make an appointment! And I mean it!' The Queen of Hearts.

So now what do I do?

Back the way you came.



That's it? I came all this way for a memo?

Yes. A memo that you're bound to need at some point, and if you hadn't gotten it now, you would have had to backtrack some distance to get it. I just saved you a chunk of time.



Oh. Well. In that case, thank you.

You're welcome.

Why are you helping me now, though?

Because backtracking for random items you missed isn't any fun.

Unlike smacking me into a wall?



Well, here goes.



Huh. No one's home. A cozy little shack, though.

Look up.

Oh dear! It's much taller inside. I suppose I'll have to climb?

Yup.



Somehow it doesn't feel like it's been seven hours since this all began. I'm not sure if it's been a lot less or a lot more, though.

Can you get over to that other ladder?

Yes, with my parasol and some careful jumping. What's that, though?

It is a muffin so old that it is fossilized. Attached to it is a numbered tag from the science museum.

I suppose I'll need this too. Onward and upward!



I'm not going to be able to reach that rope.

Yeah, even a yellow mushroom would only get you to the ledge; you wouldn't be able to grab the rope after. There's someone to say hi to, though.

Story morals first; manners later.

...hi. What's your name?

Her Grace, the Grand Duchess of Godstow.

That's another English town! I'm in Wonderland, not Oxfordshire!

In my day, children had manners!

And now she's gone! She's the one who said 'manners later'! Oh, this is so

*iPu!maJ*

frus...tra...ting? What happened? Where am I?

In my house, from the looks of it; though if it's yours, then it's a very nice house indeed.

Oh, I'm so confused. Why are you sitting up here anyway?

I'm waiting for twelve o'clock. Then I can go through the true looking glass.

The true looking glass? I wonder if she means that one the bird is guarding?

Well, we can't get back to the other looking glass we've seen, so maybe. Anyway, keep it in mind.

Anyone can find a moral where there is one. It takes a talent to find a moral where there isn't any.

All right. Uh, thanks for the information, your grace.

Why, thank you. And the moral is: always keep your hairs on your head and hares in your stove.

...I think I'll be going now.

Yeah, we'll have to come back later.

There's something I'd like to try, though...



That was rather entertaining! I like falling much more without the crashing.

How'd you know to check the stove?

Well, when she mentioned it, I remembered it looked rather like the fireplace in the White Rabbit's house. I wonder how large this secret passage is?



Looks pretty big. Careful of that fly.

You're actually concerned for my safety?

Eh, the running you into things was getting old. I'm actually a pretty nice guy.

If you say so. At any rate, if I drop onto the lowest platform, I should be able to hop past it and check out...

The chest is filled with someone's prize-winning dried fungus. The fungus crumbles to dust when you touch it.

...this utterly useless item. I can't even take it with me.

Getting back is probably going to be harder than getting down.

I'll worry about that when the time comes. At any rate, I think I'm nearly at the bottom!



...all right, this does not make sense.

And your point is?

I'm feeling dizzy; I think I need to lie down for a moment.

Go ahead; I think we've gone far enough for now anyway. Next time on 'Alice in Wonderland', we have absolutely no idea!

Hopefully the people inside will be a little less brittle.