Part 11

Jason and Maya have canoed down the river to Allen's last campsite....



Ah, the campsite. You're allowed to exit at any time for the game's final challenge, Sitio Maldito. There are two items to get here, and neither are obvious - the net result is that it's easy to get one and miss the other. And you'll probably give up on the game because of Episode 11's ultimate challenge.

Amazon throws everything it has at you in these, the final three playable episodes (14 is just an epilogue) and while the bullshit is the usual non-stop crap, this... this is the worst.

If you are actually playing this, do not leave without the items.

You'll notice this is a Jason/Maya teamwork section, but not for any good reason - you can complete the entire sequence as either character and it doesn't matter. If anything, I'd say maybe put one on the other side of the screen to lessen the amount of walking back and forth you have to do.

Again, in one of Amazon's lunatic "Let's name some characters, but not others" schemes, only two of the three corpses are named.

Don Emschwiller's face, frozen in horror, shows the terror of his death.

Daniel Holbrook's body is beginning to swell and crack in the sun.

And it's like the writers just ran out of steam here.

Another corpse rots in the jungle sun.

"Wait, you drew three guys? ...Well, I can't think of ANYTHING." *throws pencil in air*

The first thing you want to do is check out the box at the bottom between the two tents.



Yep, a Geiger counter. You'll want that, and also a chain near the upper right tent. These are not the two special items you'll need - they're just two items you need to get the two special items.

Now move the tent flap on the topmost tent to reveal:



A jerrycan of gasoline. The body on the left is also holding a pixel (blocked by Jason and Maya's starting positions) which is a Jeep Key. See the hole on the Jeep? Use the jerrycan of gas on the jeep and start it up.

There's also a gas cap on the ground next to the Jeep. I thought there'd be some cheap death where the Jeep exploded, but I was able to start it and use it fine without replacing the cap. (I'd actually like to say it's another throwback to Martian Memorandum where not replacing a gas cap will kill you, but I honesty don't recall.)

Manipulate the winch and the game assumes you want to sling the winch cable over a branch and near the log. Okay.



You can see where this is going - use the chain on the log and voila.



Finally move the tarp for the first special item...



A box of Coca Cola. Filled with dynamite. Seriously!

Dynamite is Item 1.

To get Item 2, you'll have to click on different portions of the area with the Geiger counter. In the upper left, you'll find a radioactive bush. Manipulate it to reveal a radioactive arrowhead.

Yes.



Well, that's that. Arrowhead and dynamite. We have everything we need to complete the game.



Welcome to the final canoeing section and the game's ultimate fuck you. I contend that if you are playing this game honestly, and not using a walkthrough, it would probably take you about an hour to finish this mini-game.

Why?

Because the fork splits and you don't get directions now.

You have to guess.





















No, I'm not fucking kidding.










No, there is no hint. Maya's sprite doesn't flash white or anything. The forks all look exactly the same. Take the wrong one and you die a bit later down the river (from rapids).

You have to flip a coin, pick a path and if you pick the wrong one, you have to reload and try again.

This is also the toughest of the three canoeing sections, rock-wise.

So, that means, in order to play the game without cheating and not die, you have to be lucky. Your odds are 1 in 32.

"Actually slowbeef, since there are 4 forks to take, you mean your odds are 1 in 16. After all two raised to the power of four..."

Well, actually... in the biggest (but not final) "To hell with anyone rude enough to give us money for entertainment", Access actually makes you guess FIVE times. There's one more fork in this canoeing section than all the others.

This is why, if you missed the arrowhead and dynamite, it's probably not worth your time to reload the savegame and do it again. Because canoeing is that frustrating.

Games like this are why Let's Play exists. This is why we play games so you don't have to.

I'm going to take a couple deep breaths and we'll continue.













And as a spiritual middle finger, after you figure out it's right left right right left, they just throw you off a fuckin' waterfall. Holy shit.

Now get ready as Tex Murphy (remember, he wrote it) does a romance scene.

Maya emerges from the crystal blue water and smiles mischievously at Jason. "I suppose I should have warned you about the last branch in the river, but I thought you might like the surprise!" The water is brisk but it refreshes the senes and soothes the aching muscles from the long canoe trip. As the sun slowly disappears on the horizon, Jason lights the campfire. The heat is relaxing and sensual in the cool night air.... [Emphasis: Mine]



Where did they get a sheet from? Why is my character suddenly a little buff? Why didn't they need to dry off after jumping off the exploding ship?

Oh, sorry. Romance. Maya, will you start us off?

Maya: Jason, for some time you have had suspicions about me, but now I will tell you the truth about myself. I am a scout for the tribe you are seeking.

Our tribe has been given the responsibility of protecting this land we call our 'Emerald Cathedral.'

Through the ages, our experiences with men have proven them to be ruthless and wicked, concerned only with material gain and selfish pleasure.

We have witnessed their inhumane treatment of the natives in this region and so we deal harshly with all who would trespass here.

Because of this, I am in part responsible for the death of your brother, for I alerted the tribe to the presence of the expedition.

When I found your brother, however, I felt a strange compassion for him and began to wonder if I had been mistaken believing all men to be heartless and cruel. I decided to find out more about Allen.

Now that I have learned more about you and your brother, it is clear to me that there are good and decent men in this world.

Tomorrow, because of my faith in you, I will take you to a city which has always been forbidden to outsiders. I will plead with my sisters to accept you and the help you could offer us;.

If my sisters do not accept you it will mean your death. [Oh, good!] But I believe I can convince them. Our tribe alone may not withstand the invasion of outsiders and honorable men like yourself would be valuable allies to our cause.

An ancient 'gift' from the gods has allowed us to keep the land safe and protected for many years, but should this 'gift' fall into the hands of unscrupulous, greedy men, both our worlds would be in great peril.

Phew.

Holy shit, she's long-winded. Aw, crap, more game text.

From all around the sky got darker. The wind brushed against the trees and the roar of falling water began to fade as Jason and Maya drifted off to sleep. The night was perfect and trouble seemed a million miles away, but trouble was closer than they knew....



Why, look! It's trouble, right up on that ridge!





Jason, ever the gentleman, not only turns away from Maya while she bathes, but also doesn't wish to disturb her with news of... freakin' gunmen.



Maya is shot and slips into the water.





Tune in next time for the ultimate duel: Jason Roberts versus Colonel Sanchez. Or as I like to call it: Milquetoast McNerd versus the Spanish Chief Wiggum.

And finally some fuckin' Amazon Guardians of Eden in this piece.

...You know, what? To hell with it. Let's do two episodes.



Maya and Jason are preparing to journey to the forbidden city when they are attacked by Colonel Sanchez. From the hill, the soldiers fire down on them. A bullet strikes them and she disappears into the water. Jason dives into the stream in a frantic attempt to find her. He emerges behind the waterfall with Sanchez and his men close behind....



Well, the world's biggest dipshit - I'm sorry, I should clarify I mean Sanchez here, doesn't spot our hero behind the waterfall. And what's this? Blood near the base of the rock?

There's nothing to really do except move the tree limb.



Which, fortunately, opens a secret passage. You need to use the arrow on the indentation to get in here.

The passageway opens into a large cavern, but ahead is a narrow corridor. For a moment, Jason gazes upon a gorgeous spectacle. He realizes he is set upon a suspension bridge of highly polished marble which crosses a seemingly bottomless gorge. Directly across the bridge is an opening into a green valley and all around the cave are strangely shaped stalactites. Erosion has wrought strange limestone figures that appear to be the work of some insane sculptor. [WHAT?!] As Jason walks further, two magnificent works of carved stone loom in front of him. Suddenly, the 'stone' figures reach into their quivers and load their bows....



Great. Amazon warriors with bows. Don't get in the path of their arrows... which they always fire in two straight lines ahead of them. If you do...



...That picture doesn't match that text!

Anyway, wait on the right between the pillars closest to the camera.

Knowing Jason disappeared behind the falls, the police realize there is a passage. The granite wall is strong but it won't hold forever....



*tink* *tink *tink* *tink* (really)

Wait some more and...



"OH YEAH!"

It's Colonel Sanchez!





With two teleporting officers! Fortunately, they take care of the archers for you.







The Amazon women turn back into their natural form: skeletons!

It's now time to take care of Sanchez once and for all. Use your lighter on the dynamite and place it on the bridge. Goodbye, villain I never even got to meet!

You place the explosives next to the parapet and decide that now would be a good time to leave.



Run for it! ...Actually, you have a bunch of time. But pretend you don't and RUN FOR IT!



In what is by far, the worst animation in the whole game, Sanchez and his men give chase - in one frame of animation. Their pictures are rapidly transposed up and up, with no actual different running frames. It's just a still image.







Whatever. The dynamite takes care of them and your worries!

Well, not quite.

Jason runs out of the cavern until his lungs burn. As he stops to catch his breath, tall, blonde women approach from all directions. Anger burns in their eyes. It's obvious they believe he is an enemy invader. They show no interest in his explanation.



Welcome to Sitio Maldito.



The actress can't say this line without cracking a smile which is pretty funny. Also:


Now a good time for that?





10-12 Bonus Reel