Part 58: The Real Deal: Part 3: Bullshit, Bullshit, Bullshit

THE REAL DEAL: PART 3



What's going on?



What now?



Guri Guri! Where did you go?



You little twerp! Quit standing in my way! Get out! Move it! Simpleton!
Here comes another weirdo.
Whatever! I don't have time to waste arguing with you! Now get out of my way!



And as for you! Are you from town?
*nod*
Excellent timing. There's an Imperial intruder loose in town! You shall help me find him! I must see him!
Hmph! Don't waste our time! C'mon, Yumil. Forget about her.
Why you! You dare defy Princess Dorothea's order? No, no, no! You're helping me and that's final!
Yikes, she's like an animal! Yumil, we have to stop her! I can't stand her yelling!



Guess what happens if you pick Refuse. Go on.



You guessed right! You win nothing, because it is not an achievement.


I'm glad you understand. Now you'll escort me! Just don't let the guards catch you.



It paid sneaking into town like this. Hee hee hee hee!


No. I'm sorry. I accepted "Mur ha ha ha" because at least it was voiced, but "Hee hee hee hee" is not scary. You have destroyed your credibility as a villain in two lines. Congrats.



Who on earth are you?! That armour...so you're from the Waisen Empire? You must tell me! Is my beloved prince Valdo--
Hey! Watch out! He's...he's not human!
Hee hee hee! Out of my way, pest!



Let's go, Yumil!


<insert fight here>



No, Guri Guri! Don't die!
Yumil, the Book of Prophecy! You have to use it! First do a Code Scan on this cat!


So Rempo doesn't give a damn about the world ending, but he does care about the house pet of some stranger he doesn't like? If you're going to make him a callous git, fine, but be consistent about it!



! His would healed!
What on earth...?
Huh? How can that be?!
Ha ha ha! See that? That's the book's power!



What's the big deal? We just performed a miracle! Why's everyone so tense?
Huh? This is...?!
Sorcery! It must be sorcery!


We can use the book to heal mortal injuries. That seems like a big deal. Will it ever come up again? You bet your ass it won't!

Also, perhaps this is just my opinion, but wouldn't it have been more effective if Evil McGiggles had gone after the princess herself, rather than her cat? 'Cause this is the only time Guri Guri will ever be relevant, which probably means they created him just to get hurt in this scene. But they didn't need to do that! If Dorothea had been wounded, it would have felt more urgent! Kind of. We only just met her, so maybe not.

And sure, you can argue "Light-hearted game" or whatever, but

well

Let's just say it's not always light-hearted.



Heh heh...
Eek!
A witch! This is a witch's doing! Look away or she'll curse you!



Now, come with me.



Well that was abrupt. She might as well have been talking to the player. "The plot's over this way, man. Not like you have a choice."


You may call me Nanai.
Huh. So she's a sorceress. Be careful. We can't trust her completely.
I happen to have a great interest in you.


This line takes on a whole new meaning when you discover that Nanai is a love interest.

Serious. She is. And this isn't one of those JRPG things where the "adults" are actually fifteen or something. She says, during one of the romance scenes, that she is much older than you are. This is a grown woman.

So there are now two paedophiles. In this game. And we're supposed to like both of them. Lovely!


Do you know? You have a very different aura about you than other people. Yes...a power similar to my own.
How dare a sorceress compare her powers to ours! Ridiculous! Listen. Human spells are made by a fake power. The book's power is different!


"Fake power." Except it's not fake, because it clearly does things. We just saw it. Please use words that mean what you mean.



Now close your eyes and I'll read you your future.
Huh? What's this? I can't...see anything!



Just what...are you?! My magic doesn't work on you!
She planned on using dirty magic on us anyway! It's no use trying!



Whoa. What's gotten into her?
That's it. I give up. I can't possibly win. I don't know where you trained...but I've never felt such power.
Heh heh! Told you!
This power...could it be...? Can you read this?



This tablet's a family relic.
Hm? These are...prophecies...normal humans could never read it.
Only a proper shaman can read these glyphs. An unclean sorceress like myself can't do it. Perhaps my grandma could read it...



Yumil stares at the tablet for a moment, then shakes his head.


Are you all right? ...what on earth happened?
...did you see it? Then you must believe the truth!
You were able to read it? What did it say?! ...my, you look dreadfully tired.
Yumil, the prophecy made it clear, right? It's saying the book will create the next world. And you will be the one to decide what belongs in it.


Yes, I know what the plot is. Thanks for the reminder, though.

So did Yumil answer her or not? I mean, I don't think he did, but she's also not pressing him on it and she seemed pretty keen to know. I suppose him looking tired was just that big a deal.


Are you all right? Come here.



Yumil...watch yourself! Something smells fishy.



Hey! What the--?! Damn it! What did I just say?!



Now that lady's done it! Well, Yumil, we'd better find a way out of here.



Now this raises the question of why Nanai has all this shit in her basement. It's never hinted that she captures other people, so are we to assume she had this trapdoor-to-easily-escapable-dungeon built just to hold us? Even though we only got the book today?

Unless that "I have a great interest in you" line really did mean...oh man. Not going there.

Still, all that effort, yet if she'd simply put us in a room and locked the door, we'd be jiggered. "Real power" my arse.



We finally made it back. Now where'd that woman go?



This is our culprit! No mistaking it! You're a Waisen spy! We're taking you in! Now come quietly! Our king will pass judgment on you!
Now that lady's done it!
Don't tell me you've been staying in that witch's home! So those rumours of her messing with black magic were true!
What the heck is going on?!


That's an excellent question.

I'm sure you've all been thinking this since it cropped up, but this accusation is so fucking ridiculous. Why do they think we're a spy? Because they saw us standing near that Waisen knight? If so, they obviously watched us kill the dude! And you might think this is part of some conspiracy, that there's a reason these guys want us dead, but no. I'll spoil that for you right now. There is no insidious scheme here. This is not a Chrono Trigger deal. They're just being stupid assholes for no reason.

In a better-written game, I'd have taken this as criticism of law enforcement.

Even if the story absolutely needed us thrown in jail here, (it didn't, but we'll get to that later) we could have been busted on something else. Like sorcery? Hello? The thing everyone was freaking out about earlier? The thing they actually have a reason to suspect us of?

Wait

GOD DAMN IT, WHY DIDN'T I USE THAT


Damn it! I should burn the whole lot of them to a crisp!
*shake head*
Then, what do you propose we do? Keep quiet and get arrested? Do something, Yumil!



That was...a miracle. That's why it's dangerous. I did the right thing...right, grandma?


Guys, my grandma is going to be a character. Not sure you got that from the last time I arbitrarily brought her up. Also, here's why I just did what I did. To hell with mystery.



I don't know about this place...I have a bad feeling about it. Longing, pride, curses...they're swirling around us!


I'm not sure if this is supposed to be foreshadowing. Like, I know what he might be referring to, but it's such a vague and awkward line in a game filled with vague and awkward lines that I have no idea if he's talking about it or just making a random observation with no payoff.



Ah! It's you!
So you're saying this child is a Waisen Empire spy?
Yes, sir!
As if! That's ridiculous!


Yes.

It is.



Wait, they also say? So you mean that's not why you suspected us in the first place? What the fuck, then?!


Black magic was also used on the scene.
Black magic? It's called a miracle!
We found the kid in the witch's home! Both you and the witch must be Waisen spies!


Right. So sorcery and espionage are illegal, and Nanai's guilty of both. And you know where she lives. Are you ever going to arrest her? Of course you aren't. That would make sense.

No, really. This isn't just me being indignant. Nanai goes right on being a known witch and alleged spy without repercussion. Nobody even attempts to take her in.



Okay, that's it. I'm convinced Rempo was written by the one guy on the team who realised how dumb this was. He may have been outvoted, but he could still have a character voice his dissent*.



The Waisen monsters are totally a lot bigger! And they look like a horse with a giant sickle! The most fearsome thing I've seen!


I killed the person they claim I was associating with and saved your life. Mention that, please.



That's enough! Punishment for betrayal is death! As the law says, your head will be hung on the castle gates! But could this young boy really be a traitor?
I saw it for myself!!


SAW WHAT


You're wrong!
No! You were fooled!
Listen to me! We are all children of this sacred kingdom. Citizens of glorious Kaleila that's prospered for 1000 years! I cannot make the grave error of passing judgment on an innocent. One is innocent until proven guilty. I am your Holy King Xenonbart! A king of fairness and benevolence!
As you wish, my lord. Shall we imprison the suspect in the dungeon until the truth is known?
Very well.
Such a gracious king. What a fine verdict! Historians will sing your praises, my lord.
Good. I leave the rest to you. Ha ha ha ha!



Is that really the king? At least he dresses the part.



So you really don't know about Prince Valdo? I heard he was attacked by an assassin and killed! When I heard the news, I nearly fainted on the spot. But I've also heard word that he still lives! It gets harder to sit still with each passing day.
Oh! Don't mind me. I shouldn't ramble on like this. Hmph! If you have no news for me, then I'm leaving! And I only stood up for you because you saved Guri Guri. This makes us even.
Even? How? That princess is useless!


*See?

Anyway. I think Dorothea is now dead to us. We rescue her from a monster, and her idea of gratitude is to weakly protest our innocence for ten seconds, then give up and leave us in the lurch. Without a hint of remorse, I might add. Also, she says she only did that much because we healed her cat, implying that if we hadn't, she'd have been happy to stand back and let injustice run its course. She will never apologise or do anything to redeem herself. What a horrible little brat.

So of course she's a love interest.



You're going straight to the dungeon!
Hey! No fair! I knew it'd end up this way!
Ah, yes. You should know that our king is a very busy man. He often forgets all about criminals he's dumped in prison! That means you're never leaving your cell again! Ha ha ha!


You know, why aren't these two the villains? 'Cause we have "real" villains later on, but I don't really give a damn about them. These men are pure evil. They're intentionally making a child suffer because they think it's funny. That's the only conclusion I can draw.

And this is the last we see of them. No comeuppance. Nothing. They attempt to have us executed based on literally nothing, then cease being characters.

It may come as a surprise, then, that they are not love interests.