Part 59: The Real Deal: Part 4: "Sort of the ditzy bimbo"

THE REAL DEAL: PART 4



Great. What do we do now? If we stay in here forever, the next world will be a jail cell! We have to get out, and quick! Maybe the Book of Prophecy can help.
Hey! What are you doing?!



Yumil, you see that? Someone came out of that hole! Maybe that's a way out!



Who the heck are you? If you're a criminal, then go back to your cell like you're supposed to.
Heh heh. Surprised by my room? I'm the true king of this castle! My name? ...I abandoned it years ago! Call me whatever you like.



You might have been wondering. If you pick "Sponge", does his name actually become Sponge?



Of course not. Same with Brocoli. He just tells you to call him Fro. This is weird, because if you examine the gravestone that leads to his secret passage...



...you'll see that his nickname is already "Fro." Clearly he was going to have you call him that anyway, so why pretend he's letting you choose?

Oh, hold on. He's not a real person. I should be questioning why the developers are pretending they'll let us choose.

Might as well get into the swing of it. I'll be doing it often.



Its unused rooms, forgotten passages, and hidden treasures...they all belong to me!
Wow. This old man sure knows a lot about the castle. He might even know a way out of here.
What's that? You want to get out of here? Sure, I don't mind helping. But it'll cost you. That's right. My favourite hat is hidden somewhere along this path. If you can find it, I'll show you the way out of here. But be careful. There are swarms of monsters around.


"I'm gonna go ahead and assume you can handle that!"



I forgot to mention that hats reduce MP consumption when worn, but only from spirit magic, and only by like four points. Four out of fifty, in case you've forgotten. Moving codes around will still cost one point a pop, otherwise I might bite the bullet and wear one.



Moreso because Yumil could actually rock a newsboy. Most accessories in the game would look horrible with the rest of his outfit even if they weren't comically oversized, ill-fitting props. The brown cap, though? That could work.



Alas. Maybe in the next world.



A path leads from here to the fields. Take this path as far as it goes. You'll come upon a hidden room built beneath the cemetery. If you climb out of that room, you'll be in the cemetery. Open the door near the back that will lead you to the fields. But you'll need a key to open it. I've hidden the key somewhere in the cemetery. Which grave, you ask? You'll have to find out on your own.


Dick.



Good thing it's sitting in plain sight, making his irrational secrecy entirely pointless.


Good. Did you get the key? Then let's get out of this town and head to the woods. We have to find Mieli and the others!
Mieli is another of the spirits from the Book of Prophecy. I don't think I've mentioned it yet. There are a total of four spirits in the Book of Prophecy.
Mieli, Spirit of the Forest. You can never tell what that naive girl is thinking.
Neaki, the Ice Spirit. She's pretty gloomy and cold.
Ur is the Lightning Spirit. He's smart, but loves to preach.
Last but certainly not least...the great Fire Spirit Rempo! Did you get all that?
*nod*
If it weren't for these shackles, I could unleash incredible power. Oh well.


"Oh well" indeed. It's almost like you repeated this semi-plot point for no particular reason!

Seriously, this is almost exactly what he says when you first meet him. Coming back to that, since I didn't cover it at the time:



Oh. You think there's something weird with my arms? These are the shackles that bind me to the book. Without these, I could really do some damage! Oh well.


Aaand we're done talking about that.

Not kidding. You think the game will explain anything? You think we'll ever find out why they're there? You poor fool.





Wait a sec! I don't have time to stop and shoot the breeze! I'm in a huge hurry! Gotta split! Man! They're gaining on me!


"Man! This is bad! I need to get out of here! They're going to catch me if I don't run! So I'm gonna do that! Run, I mean! From the thing that's chasing me! Totally gonna run like a motherfucker! "

And then he continues standing still while the goblin catches up. Because cutscenes are hard, I suppose.



Not good! You'd better run too! They're Goblins! And they're mega-strong!
Hmph! A measly Goblin? We can handle them!



I see...you won't turn your back on an enemy? Y-you sure are brave. I wish I were...



That's right! I'm a hero too! I can't keep running all the time! Here I come!



Man, talk about weak.



Boy, oh boy...but that move was pretty useful. What was it again? Judgment Link? Hey Yumil! Give it a try too! C'mon, it'll be fine. I know you can do it.



That jerk! What a sneak...
Boy, was that a close one! Good thing we had Judgment Link! Why don't you practice the move and compete in the tournament?
Wait a sec. There's a Judgment Link tournament?! This is a sacred ritual for purifying monsters!


Firstly, you didn't know what it was until one minute ago.

Secondly, no it fucking isn't. Playing orbital keepsy upsy with a fat bloke until he explodes in a shower of confetti and power-ups is not a sacred anything. Religion is not that awesome.



...oh well. More importantly, Yumil, the Judgment Link move will surely be helpful in the future. Make sure you master it well.
I bet you want to ask me what I was doing here, right? Heh heh. I came to pick flowers that look good in my hat. I do it every day!
Guess being weak doesn't stop him.
The recent rise of monsters has made it...a little tough. But I really need these flowers. They're befitting a hero like myself!
Good grief. He's just a wannabe hero. Let's leave him and get out of here.



And human-hating dwarves!


Two of them, Yumil! Two! TWO DWARVES


Sounds like fun! We'll have ourselves a cook-out!



There is no dialogue between here and Rudrud, so...


---



Yumil, look out!



Who's there?!
Vile humans! You dare soil Rudrud's holy ground?!


Notice "humans". Plural. Does that mean he can see Rempo? I assumed it was a mistake since Rempo doesn't react, but who knows with this game.


Whoa! Careful now, Yumil! He's using some crazy attacks!



Ugh! And he stinks!


Okay, Rudrud smells bad. Hardly seems relevant. I assume this is supposed to be a comedy part, so are they going to take it somewhere? Have some funny lines?

Nope. That's it. He has BO. That's the joke. Cue boss fight.

Man, all this time I spend trying to make people laugh when I could just go unwashed for a couple of weeks, lift my arms and await hilarity. Does that make deodorant anti-humour?



It seems you aren't a bad human after all!


"Now I realise this might make my attacking you seem pointless, but hey, Chapter 2 needed a boss fight.

...what chimera?"


That's what we've been trying to tell you!
Rudrud trusts only in the flesh. Speaks and listens with the flesh!



Yuck! Another stink attack!



What's the point of these dialogue choices? Choosing "Looking for dwarves" just has Rempo say "No, we're looking for spirits" and make you answer again. I can overlook this in earlier games when talking characters were still a novelty, but this was 2008. Either give us meaningful decisions or just continue the conversation!

They don't even have the decency to make the "correct" option the default. If you're lazily tapping through this dialogue like I or any repeat player would be, you'll pick "dwarves" by accident. Several times. And then you'll want to punch someone. Several times.


...? Rudrud doesn't know. But I do know of a place with strong Forest power!
There! That must be where Mieli is!


He said "forest" with a capital F! It has to be her!



A giant tree stands beyond the cliff. Forest power teems around it. And a strong life force.
All right! Let's get going!
But you can't get across the cliff on foot.
What?! Then what are we supposed to do?
Guh ha ha ha ha! There is a way! You'll have to fly.
Fly?!
Yes, fly!


Can he hear Rempo or not? I legitimately don't know at this point. Or is it just that people can't see him? Maybe they do hear him talking and assume it's Yumil? And that he's always practicing his ventriloquist act?


With my Flying Hammer special move! You are a good human. I sense mysterious powers in you. That is why I will teach you my Special Move!
Is he serious?! All right, let's hear it!
Very well, then! First, take your hammer in hand.



Don't forget, Yumil. You may be weak...


Thanks. Up yours.


...but you have the Book of Prophecy! Use the book if you're in a bind. You can handle any weapon that comes from the Book!



Perfect! You've learned well!
Easy as pie!
But beware, a great beast lurks beneath the great tree.
Great beast?
A creature made up of an assortment of animals.
Must be because of all the chaos happening in the world.


...yeah.

What chaos? Couple of folks have mentioned that monsters are on the rise, I suppose. Doesn't seem to be affecting anything, though. Is that the chaos? Monsters are back in season, so a goat, a lion, a snake and a scorpion had an orgy to celebrate?


It's no surprise a beast like that exists.


No. No it isn't. We've seen minotaurs. Frog-men. Giant flying skulls. Undead beanbags with hot cross buns for eyes. A chimera is not surprising. And I know that's what you're saying, that it's no surprise, but that implies we were surprised and we needed you to tell us we shouldn't be.



It's body, mind and soul. Trust me, I know. Gustav quotes this book every day.



Yumil, you're going to meet Mieli soon! Like I mentioned before, there are four spirits. The other spirits have all been sealed. Only you can release them.
You might not understand yet what it means to make a new world, but I know you can do it. First we must free the other sprits! You'll need all four of our powers to create the next world. Our adventure here will be a legend for the new world. As long as you have the book, everything will work out.


Thank you? I'm not sure enough time has passed that we need to be reminded of our objective.



Hi! I'm Gim. I'm awful sorry my dad Rudrud took such a liking to you.
Sounds like someone's rebelling.
By the way, is it true you live in the town? I heard there are lots and lots of people in town. That's what my mom told me. I wish I could go there someday.


You apologise because he took a liking to us. Not because he tried to kill us. At least half your heart is in the right place.

Also, did anyone get "NO YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP DAD" vibes from any of that? I didn't, and I'm not sure how Rempo did. Still, if that's the case, good on you for rebelling against your violent, racist, smelly father.



So the Book of Prophecy's come. Then that must mean the end is approaching. I was sure it would take a little more time.
You're right. It does feel a little too fast. Anyway, let me introduce you! This is the Chosen One, Yumil!
I see. Pleased to meet you, Yumil.


WOW, WHAT A CLUMSY, THOUGHTLESS BIMBO. CLEARLY SHOULD HAVE BEEN BLONDE, DUNNO WHO FUCK THAT UP


So I was like, "Hey, could you make sure the next world has scrunchies?" 'Cause my hair is like, all over the place.
And he's all, "Oh my god, please, it can't end now, my wife is pregnant, I'll never get to hold my child."
And it's like, wow, drama queen. Y'know? Like, hellooo, just write "little stretchy thing", take you like two seconds.