Part 61: The Real Deal: Part 6: World's Worst Dad

THE REAL DEAL: PART 6





Battle?! How exhilarating!


Hmm. What was it Rempo said last time?



I'm not thrilled to join the war, but...


Off to a good start.



Everyone's so anxious to fight, they can't control themselves!
Yeah...it looks that way. Hey, Yumil. This world will soon be destroyed. I know there isn't much time until then, but don't you want to make it easier for them?
*nod*
Then you'll have to try your hardest. Let's use the Book of Prophecy and put an end to this war, quick! Don't worry. I know you can do it.
Please, don't waste your breath. This kid was born ready! Right?
Hee hee hee. Right.


Hee hee hee. Children! In a war! Hilarious!

That might actually qualify her for "bimbo" status if it wasn't the general consensus.



Now this part of the narrative might have struck you as odd. All those words describing the battle Yumil was(n't) fighting in, but where was he in the pictures? Why the prose dump?

I shall explain.



After the previous cutscene, we go straight to Yumil standing alone at the fortress.



When we enter, there are two Imperial soldiers we must kill.

And that's it. Once they're dead, Haochy will show up and we'll bugger off to this chapter's dungeon.



Oh sure, further north you'll find siege drakes on the otherwise empty battlefield, but they aren't important. They're regular monsters in every respect. They roam around, they respawn, and you can ignore them at your discretion. If you went straight after Haochy, you wouldn't even know about them.

So in effect, Yumil contributed two dead Imperials to this war. In total. And I'm mostly fine with that. It's not really his fight, and looking for Neaki is more important in the long run.

Just one little thing.



How the hell does this make him a hero?

We drop two soldiers, abandon the battlefield, then come back and everyone's singing our praises. Why? Was two the highest body count? Did he get the thousandth kill of the day? What?

This is why there are so few screenshots to go with that part, and this is why I played up the siege drake so much. Like I said, it's not an important monster, but I needed something to justify the hero scene and that was all I had to work with.

And what really grinds my goat is that they could easily have done this themselves. You put the siege drakes there! Use them! All it would take is two lines of text! "Oh shit, there's a monster! We can't kill it!" "Oh shit, the kid killed it! He's awesome!" Congrats, your future war hero has now done something noteworthy!



Hurry! We have to find Neaki!



What's this?



Mm-hmph hmph! What an explosion!


"Hm-hmph" is his thing. Grow accustomed.


Hmph? You're really doing well!
Who's the fatty?
I'm Haochy. The wandering inventor.
Inventor?
War is my testing ground. My bombs can tackle anything! Hmph!



Hmm-hmph! Wise choice! I'll put an end to this war with my bombs in no time! Stand back and watch so you don't get hurt!



ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Yes. We can let him say that. We killed all the soldiers we're going to kill. Our part in this war is over. Just move on.


Hmm-hmph! Cheeky brat! You're still young for war! I'll put an end to this war with my bombs in no time!


HAVE I MENTIONED I USE BOMBS YET



This ought to do it! Hmmph!



So.

Okay.

He falls over, one of his bombs explodes underneath him with enough force to blow a hole through the floor, and somehow this sends him down in one unharmed piece, rather than up in a fountain of R-rated violence. Pretty telling when this is not the thing in your story that makes the least sense.



And of course this just happens to lead to a random-ass cavern which just happens to be where Neaki is. Isn't contrivance wonderful? It's saving us so much trouble!



My my...I never guessed this could be beneath the fortress! It's pretty chilly down here.



Your weapon can't break it. You want to get through that badly?
*nod*
I noticed while you were fighting that you have a strange power. I'm curious about your power. Your power is the ability to control the power of that book, right?
POWER POWER POWER POWER POWER


Sorry.



*nod*
That's it, then. I'll grant you the use of my bombs. You should be able to handle it to bust through that rubble! Now give it a try! And I'll also teach you my Special move -- "Ultimate Blast"!



Yes, very impressive! Just don't forget it! In order to control any weapon, you first need "heart."


what does that even

what are you

why would



whatever


---



Found it!



And then he sets her on fire.

I hope you aren't planning to ask why.



Heh heh! Long time no see!
Huh? Behind us?
Gulp! It's him!



I must thank you. The ice seal placed on me is finally lifted!
Shoot! Neaki's power was sealing him!
Disgusting little humans! Not only did you betray Messiah Kullervo by killing him, but dared to seal me, his trusted sword demon Amorphes!
Hrgh...it's the Book of Prophecy! Bwa ha ha ha ha! So that much time has passed?
(...Kullervo...?)
Kullervo has...? It can't be!
The coming of the Book means the resurrection of our messiah! I will return to Kullervo, with the Book as a gift! Brace yourself!


Cue boss fight.



(...)
Neaki approves of you, too!
You just can't tell what's going through her head.
Oh, I wouldn't say that.
Hmph. I bet she's thinking about stupid stuff, anyway.



(...The world's end is too soon...)
Yeah. I thought the same thing. The book appeared too quickly.
But that means this world's fallen into corruption, right? We can't change that. They're getting what they deserve.
(So crude...and so simple...)


Yes...she does...say all her lines...like this...and I'm not sure why. To show that she's mute? I think the brackets are enough. To make her seem aloof and mysterious? Doesn't work, never has. Please stop.



You get this metalize recipe for beating Amorphes, by the way.



(...The sword monster...held a powerful sword...)


No he didn't, it's rubbish.



Another cutscene to watch. Last one, I promise.


---



We're getting all wet!
...!
Oh, no!
We lose our power when we get wet. Because we're the Book Spirits.


Wow, that sucks. I sure hope it isn't used to disable you every single time you could get me out of trouble!



Thank you. Tee hee! It's pretty incredible. I've known you since we were kids and now people are calling you a Kaleilan hero!
Sorry. I don't know a lot about things outside my window. Pretty pathetic...I know.
*shake head*
Yumil? Can you make me a promise? Even if they call you a hero...no matter what happens...please promise me you'll still be the kind Yumil I know. I'll try hard to get outside someday. I want to see you in action.


Huh.

I actually don't remember this bit. I could have sworn she launched straight into the doll sidequest when I visited her here. Apparently not.

So. There you go. That was almost a conversation. Well done.



That said, little bit jarring to go downstairs, only to somehow enter through the front door and be told she took a turn for the worse while you were gone.



I'm sorry, but I'm afraid Fana's condition has worsened! She's lying in bed right now. I still can't figure out what she was doing all last night.
What she needs most is rest! Try talking to her. I'm sure she'd like that.


"She needs rest. Go up and keep her awake."

Also, why can't you figure out what she was doing? She's your granddaughter. Ask.



Yumil, you came. Thank you. I wanted to finish this toy in time for tomorrow. Guess I overdid it a little. Huff...huff...sorry, I really must rest...



...Sorry, I know I'm being down. I mustn't get like this. Huh? Yumil, you would make the stuffed animal?


What? No. I didn't say that. I didn't say anything.


Thank you! Here's how you make it.



Well thanks! How generous of me to offer!

Between this and her trying to pull "Oh my, look at the time!" with a broken clock, I'm convinced Fana doesn't care about Yumil at all and is playing up the kind-hearted sick girl act to guilt him into giving her presents.

I also don't get how people can tell you how to make stuff with the book. Is she actually saying "You need one Light code, one Freedom code and one Hope code"? Or does the book just interpret her instructions in that format? I don't know. I can suspend disbelief on this one, but I still wonder.

Anyway, let's not bother with the run-around this time. Here's what happens when you give her the bear.



Oh, thank you! I can feel it has...your love in it.


EW. YUMIL. FUCK.


I'll send it to the children. Thank you again, Yumil!


That's that. No drama here. Not even a reward. You're kind of getting screwed on these quests if you aren't going for the Fana romance.


---



What?! That's the market price! I'm not paying another coin!
I decide the price! Or would you like to give up?
For being stolen goods, you sure are greedy, old man! Fine, I'll pay up!
Heh heh. Glad you understand. You just bought a good item. 300 years ago, the king inherited this from an Eastern kingdom. This sword has a great pedigree...hm?



Ah, so it's you! How's it going?
You?! Did you...did you just hear all that?
*nod*
Ha ha ha. I mean...it's just an honest business deal. Well, I should be heading home. Oh! One more thing...



You can have this. But in return, you better not tell a soul about this. Later, then! I'll see you back at the shop!
Good grief. That kid's always in a hurry. As you can now see, I sell off abandoned junk from the castle.


Thanks. I got it.

For the record, this doesn't go anywhere. We never find out what Romaioni bought, nor are his shady activities expanded on or brought to light. Those ten jewels are all we're getting out of this.

I might feel bad about trading with Romaioni now I know he's a fence, except that I paid for everything with his money. Speaking of which, despite what I implied, this happens regardless of your wins and/or losses in the gambling minigame.

Kinda pointless scene, really.


---



Yo, Yumil! Or should I say "Kaleilan Hero"? The thing is...I have a favour to ask. Come with me.



I used to have a family. A dad, mom...and little sister. And this is where we lived. Ha ha. Guess you could say we were rich. Hard to believe, right?
If that night hadn't happened, I'd probably still be living well. If that night hadn't happened...my sister...would still be alive.
They were slaughtered. I got there too late. I guess if I were there too, I'd have been killed with them.
Listen, Yumil, that book can make miracles, right? Could it bring her back? Could it bring back Meenya?



*shake head*
No good, huh?
*nod*
Why not?! You're supposed to make miracles!
*shake head*
Damn it! You won't even answer this one single request from a friend?! Please, damn it! I'll do anything you ask! Damn it...why not?! Damn it!



I shouldn't have said that. Forget what I said. See you later, oh great Kaleilan Hero.


I think he went from "resigned acceptance" to "cussing you out" way too fast. Otherwise, yeah. Fair enough.


---



...Yumil. There's actually something I've been meaning to tell you. A girl once gave me the flowers I always wear in my hat. Her name was Meenya. Yes, she was Rex's little sister.
I wasn't able to save Meenya. That day, I was bringing her a cake as thanks. It was her birthday.
I snuck into her room to surprise her and hid in her closet. But something different happened on that day. I heard her family screaming!
It was a horrible sound. I didn't know what was happening. But I couldn't...bring myself to get out. When the sounds died down, and I opened the closet doors...she was there. Her body was cold to the touch.
I felt so completely helpless. It was pathetic.



YAWN, DURAN. YAWN.

Seriously, what? He just turns and starts walking away in the middle of this. Was he fed up? I know he's telling the story in a bland, emotionless way, but geez Yumil, he's supposed to be your friend, cut him some slack man.



That's when I saw him! I saw who did it! But I refused to believe my eyes...I couldn't accept it! I was too afraid to believe it. That day, I saw the shadow of a man standing there. He had...two swords. Just like my father Gustav. The culprit must have been my father Gustav.


Duran.

Your father is the head of a school. It's called the Eastern Sword school. It focuses on dual-wielding swords, and it's quite famous. That could have been anyone. Jesus Christ, just say you saw him! It still fits the story and it makes more sense!

I actually wish they'd taken this to the logical conclusion. Just have it be one big fake-out.


Dad, did you kill Meenya?
No, and what the fuck.
But I saw someone with two swords!
So what? Lots of people use two swords. I teach them to do it. Fuck me, I have the worst son. Seriously, red hair genes or the Y chromosome, pick ONE. And that fucking hat. That hat is my daily reminder that you were an accident. Why not just wear a broken condom on your head, it'd look more dignified. When you were born, your mother took one look at you and hung herself with the umbilical. You are the rancid aftertaste of God's piss in my mouth.


---



Duran? Yumil? This is a rare treat.
Father! There's something...I need to ask.


Fade to black. Apparently that question had to be popped off-screen. For some reason.



What?! Duran, how could you--? How dare you suspect your own father of such a crime?!
But I saw it! I know you were there!
...
...
You fool!
Khh!
Come to the underground space. This will take more than words.
So be it. Father, if I win, you must tell me the truth.



Welp. Mystery unsolved.

So yeah. This isn't just Gustav giving Duran a hiding. Rather, they're having a duel, with Gustav agreeing to spill the beans if Duran wins. But you know what? It doesn't matter. Either way, he's still a terrible father.

What parent would let their son believe they're a murderer unless he can beat them in a fight? Gustav understands exactly what happened. He knows why Duran saw him there. He knows how it must have looked to him. This question has haunted your only son for years. It has destroyed his self-esteem because he's spent his life too terrified of you to ask. Just tell him you're innocent.

Fucking hell, you're awful. YOU ARE AWFUL.



I won't...run away...!
What is it, Yumil? Are you here to aid my foolish son? Hmph, you're all fools! Come at me!



You have to duel him again here, which I didn't bother including. It's the same fight. He just has more hit points.



I lose. Yumil. Duran. It's true. I was there. That place was the home of my old dear friend. The Kaleilan diplomat.


They can only afford one. Most of the treasury is in Fro's pad at this point.


He'd proposed the peace treaty with Prince Valdo of the Empire. But there were those who opposed the notion. He called for me, but it...happened before I arrived. It was the doing of monsters. I know not who sent them.
I beat the remaining monsters and sought whoever was behind them. That was the same day Prince Valdo was almost assassinated. It was all a conspiracy to bring about the war.
Duran, you're not the only one who felt helpless that day. Thinking about that day has made your father hone his skills further.
...heh.


Heh.

I guess that is pretty funny?


---



But I can't go on like this. I know what I must do. That's right. I have to tell Rex about this. Thanks, Yumil! I feel stronger now. I'll work to be a real hero, so that I never lose those I love!


With this quest complete, you can remove Duran's locked "Weak" code.



Which does nothing. Hooray.

So let's recap. Duran accuses Gustav of murder. Gustav demands a duel, knowing full well that Duran sucks at fighting and can't win. You arrive to find Duran lying in a heap, replace the son in the dramatic father-son showdown, and Gustav admits to his greatest failure.

AND THEN, everything's fine! Gustav apparently has no problem with his son accusing him of murder even though he just kicked his shit in over the misunderstanding, and Duran apparently has no problem with the shit-kicking. In fact, he "feels stronger now", even though nothing has really happened to effect such a change. And Yumil can't call anyone out because he's mute.

Look. If you want a purely light-hearted game, fine. If you want a game with dark, unhappy scenes, fine. You can't have both. You cannot take something like a father beating his son over a misplaced accusation of child murder and pretend it isn't horrible and give it an abrupt feel-good conclusion. It does. Not. Work.

Oh, and the scene with Meenya afterwards was something I threw in. Doesn't happen in game, so there's no real version to show you.

That's it for now. In the next Real Deal update...

God.

Just wait and see.