Part 64: The Real Deal: Part 9: Bullshit Regurgitated

THE REAL DEAL: PART 9


How do you know about that? No human should know! I can't tell you about the flower. Rudrud's made up his mind.
*shake head*
I see.


You have to admit, that's a strong argument.


Long ago, a human man once came by. He said he needed the flower to save his ailing daughter. But the miracle flower is a treasure of the forest, not for humans. So Rudrud turned him away.
But the man was so desperate. He told Rudrud he would do anything to save his daughter. Rudrud could see in his eyes that he spoke the truth. So Rudrud told him where to find it deep in the woods.
The man went immediately. Rudrud followed but soon lost sight. Rudrud checked where the flower was, but the man could not be seen. Then Rudrud found him lying in front of the flower. Something had attacked him badly.



Hold on. He found Byron in front of the flower, right? Yes. He said that. And then he took his body back to Rhoan. Why didn't he bring the flower as well, then? God, people.

Here's how they could have fixed this. Rather than Rudrud saying he found the flower with Byron, he could instead not say that. I know, that's a hefty editing job, but still.


Then Rudrud found out it was a forest monster that attacked him. The Chimera. It is dangerous there, which is why Rudrud won't tell a soul about it. But you defeated the Chimera. That is where you'll find the flower.


"I can't tell you where it is. The Chimera is too dangerous. But you defeated the Chimera. I will tell you where it is."



Go fulfil that man's wish. But it takes much forest power to grow the flower.


---



But what's this strange feeling...?


This sensation...this odour...it could only be...



...bullshit.

You have to beat the chimera again. Same exact monster, same exact fight, shouldn't be there after we killed it, pointless. Snipped it. Much like they should have done.

You might think they do this in case you didn't scan it the first time, but you can have a rematch with any boss whenever you want. Just go to the place you fought them and touch the map page. And it's not as if the chimera is some recurring villain that's out to get you. This is padding, plain and simple.



Yumil, let's check out his den.


That's not an idea. That's what Rudrud told us to do. And I'd call you a bimbo for this if I weren't 99% sure it was the writers' mistake.



Not a flower in sight. The miracle flower Fana's father looked for must have been here. Maybe that monster...destroyed it. Oh, what'll we do now, Yumil?
Huh? What's this?



He made it this far and found the miracle flower! Then he was attacked by the monster and wrote this note.



Rudrud said he found Byron with the flower. It was intact. That means Byron intentionally picked off a single petal and left it with the note, rather than sticking the whole flower in there. Or just writing "I've got a flower on me, bring it to my daughter."

Actually, forget that. How come Rudrud didn't find the note?

I did consider one scenario. Maybe Byron, afraid he might not make it home, left the petal and the note in the tree as insurance. Then he left with the flower, and that's when the chimera got him. That might make sense, but again, it's scuppered by Mieli saying he wrote the note after being attacked.

Why not just have us find the damn flower? It's not a stretch to believe a new one grew here in the space of five years. And apparently they can't write more than three sentences without creating another plot hole, so the less they complicate things, the better.



This is the miracle flower Mr. Byron was looking for. It's so beautiful...now we can save Fana with it!


Indeed we can. And you've already seen how underwhelming that is, so let's move ahead to the tournament.



"Super bomb master."

I almost start to think this game was written for a younger audience than I realise, but then they go throwing words like "bastard" around. Not to mention, PEGI 12.

And three paedophiles.

As for the tournament itself, you saw all the fights and whatnot in the video, so let's skip to the end.



The one who holds the title of might in all of Kaleila and the entire world, is you! This is proof of your victory. Take it well!
Let us extend our praises to our Kaleilan hero!



You got 100 points in this battle! Truly impressive!
Hrmph! Rudrud had fun! Let's play at the next tournament!
I may have lost, but I'm happy I got to show everyone my bombs.
...Olly never came.
Your winning the tournament proves you're the strongest in the world. The title is yours for 10 years.
You'd better live up to it. Don't give me a bad name.
Nu ha ha ha! True!



You can go around and chat to them afterwards, but they only repeat the things they said earlier. Let's go home.



Shucks! I knew you'd win! After all, you're the Kaleilan Hero now!



They sprinkle close-ups and ominous pauses throughout this scene, and Rex doesn't even attempt to smile. I'd say this gives the game away, but really, someone offers you a drink and you're not in a pub, you know it's spiked.

I'm not just talking about video games either. I live by this rule. Granddad asks if I want a cup of tea? En garde, motherfucker. I'm on to you.



Ha ha ha! I just can't beat you, huh? I've always acted as a big brother, but is it time to switch roles?
*shake head*
Heh heh. You sure you're happy having me as a friend? Thanks. Even becoming a hero hasn't changed you at all. You're still kind and good-hearted.



How many years ago was that? Back when I'd just lost my family and was wandering around lost, you smiled my way.


Of course, smiling is his default expression. That doesn't necessarily mean anything.


I was so...happy because we were from the same place. If I hadn't met you, I probably would've died from despair.



That was easier than I thought. I guess even heroes lower their guard in front of their best friend. You were always so...so...damn!



Wake up, Yumil! Dammit, can you hear me?
Hurry! Give Yumil back the book! I beg of you!
...
Of all the stupid...! But we won't let him touch it as long as we're here!



Urk!
Oh, no! He got it wet!
What...? How could he know that we're weak against water? The only one who'd know that...is Kullervo!


Yep. There is a character confirming that nobody should be aware of this besides you and Kullervo. Did you need more proof that Olly knowing about it was a contrived, half-baked excuse to put the spirits out of action?

Well, you shouldn't have. But there it is.



So Yumil wakes up, and Rex is...still there. Only just leaving. Either he's taking his sweet time or that was one weak-ass mickey.



We have our little chase through town, then...



Okay.

My biggest gripe is Kullervo dismissing the spirits. How does he plan to create the new world without them?

Yes, I know what I said, they might not be necessary, just there to help the author, blah blah. That's not what the game says. The game says you need them, end of story. Half the reason I added that is that this wouldn't make any sense otherwise. The scene would have gone like so:



Hey shit-for-brains! You need us to create the new world, remember?
...
FUCK


Sure, they would have beaten him down if he'd kept them, but that's my point. The whole plan is lose-lose. Spirits or no spirits, he can't achieve his goal, and he should know that. Why's he doing this?

Mind you, it might work if he killed Yumil. Then it'd be either Kullervo or nothing, and the spirits would have no choice. But he doesn't do that. Not for any logical reason; simply because it would end the game.

I also wonder how he planned to use the book at all, considering only the "chosen one" is able to do it, but whatever. Maybe you get to keep your author's licence between worlds or something.

Not that we'll ever know for sure, because he doesn't take the book with him. Even if he can't use it right now, that doesn't mean he should leave it lying there, because someone's going to fucking steal it! Just have one of your lackeys grab the thing! Is Kullervo supposed to be an utter tool, or what?

Finally, Werman.


Please forgive me, sire.


For what?


So Olly, it was you!


What was her?


May I offer you another foolish and vacant dream of a mere mortal?


WHAT

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING

WHO WROTE YOU


---



What on earth happened? What was that racket?
The damage to town is immense. One section was badly hit. The people and buildings...all of it was lost.
Yumil, are you the one behind this?!


Here we go again, folks.


Countless witnesses say they saw you with the enemy army. Oh, Yumil. Does this mean...that you're the one who caused this disaster?



What about the prince, what about Heath, what about Werman, all of whom you have far more reason to suspect etc.

What's the point? You all know how dumb this is. I couldn't even make this work in my updates. It's that terrible.



And the prince. And Werman. And "the enemy army."


True...I am a general for the Waisen Empire. But we did not cause this incident!
Silence, Waisen scum!



Yes I do, but I'm not allowed to point out that you're all fidiots. (Contraction: "Fucking idiots.")



I want the truth from them!



Hrmm...an earthquake. What an ill omen.


AND ARE WE REALLY STILL ON THIS


---



Who's the Kaleilan Hero now? You were just a spy for the Waisen all along!
*shake head*
Now, admit it!
*shake head*
We have proof! Witnesses, step this way.



I saw it happen. Yumil took the book and sucked up the town!
I was so scared, brother! Pretending to be a hero...only to do this instead!



You can keep insisting that you didn't do it throughout these accusations, or you can just keep quiet. It affects nothing.


We can't trust you anymore!
It's a shame. Goodbye forever...traitor.



No-one feels that way about you anymore.



I...and everyone in Rhoan trusted you!



*shake head*
I'm sorry, but I can't...
We have nothing to discuss!



By the way, where's that book you were always carrying? You used that book to do your dark magic, right?
*shake head*



You fool! I thought you were different. I never guessed you would use your powers for evil! I regret teaching such a wicked child my sword skills. I, Gustav, hereby close my training hall to devote myself to your victims.
*shake head*
Don't waste your breath!



Where's Fana? Where on earth is she?!
*shake head*
! It can't be! Why didn't you protect her?! Oh, Fana...after the way she felt about you...



We'll pick it up tomorrow. Take this traitor back to his cell.


I don't know what to say about this that I didn't say about the previous imprisonment scene. It's ridiculous for the same reasons.

I can semi-accept Xenonbart accusing us, because as stupid as the first time was, it at least established him as a pompous jackass. He is the sort of person who imprisons his subjects based on nothing. But all our friends? Kamui? Helen? Fucking Gustav?

Gustav is supposed to be a wise mentor figure. He trusts Yumil implicitly. And you can argue that this is all taking place because a terrible thing happened and people need someone to blame, but that only goes so far. People who don't know Yumil, fine. Romaioni and Francesca, fine. Not Gustav. I don't buy that he'd not only presume his best student's guilt, but show up at the prison to rub salt in the wound.

I'm also told that even more people will accuse you if you didn't do their quests. I'm almost sure Haochy did so the first time I played. Frankly, if Fana hadn't got herself tornadoed, I wouldn't be surprised if she turned up. Or Meenya. Or Rex.

It's made worse because, much like the aforementioned scene, it does not need to happen. You can come back to Rhoan and talk to people and nobody tries to apprehend you. It pretty much goes "Eh, still not sure you didn't do it, but whatever." And then it's business as usual.

But hell, I guess a whirlwind ripping through town, your love interest's apparent death, the loss of the book and the spirits getting scattered weren't big enough developments. We needed some real drama in there. Never mind making sense.


---



Hey, so you're back. They gave it to you tough. Still, this is a pretty impressive dungeon.



Well at least someone fucking gets it.



I'm also willing to credit Matrix Software for setting up the earthquakes well in advance. They didn't have them start just this second, which would have felt like pure deus ex machina. Which is exactly what I would expect from them at this point.



It's a miracle. All right, I'm going. Come with me...if you want to live.


---



Well, of course! Welcome to Hidden Meia. Home to ghouls.



Precisely. The Hidden Meia dungeon. A prison of death, forgotten in Kaleila's dark history. Anything else you want to know?



Serious criminals and political offenders were held here. Many were merely forgotten and left here to die. Their anger turned them into wandering ghouls.
You know this man?
This dungeon goes very deep. Ghouls and monsters roam its corridors!
Sounds dangerous.
Did you get locked up for something you didn't do again? Here I am to help! Kah kah kah!
Great. Thanks a lot.



Hmph. You seem really down. Oh well. Come see me when you're better. Until then!







I know the feeling, my friend.

I know the feeling.