Part 16: To Sigil and Baator!

Bonus Content - The Crushing, Agonizing Death of My Dignity (okay seriously typing this now as I prepare it for archives WHY THE HELL DID I DO THIS? the archive script even missed it WHY AM I PUTTING IT IN HERE?)

Chapter 11 - To Sigil and Baator!

As we were in the Coronet, we looked for (and found!) Llynis, the rather incompetent child-killing thief.

Your name wouldn't be Llynis, would it?
Well... yes it is. How did you know that?
This ghost you mentioned... it wouldn't be a little halfling boy by the name of Wellyn, would it?
What?! How... how did you know about that?! Well... you'll not take ME alive!
Justice findeth thee this day, murderer! Wellyn's soul doth cry out for it!
After all, you have killed a child. This is considered to be a really bad thing. You evil, evil person.
Die, all of you!

We killed him easily and took Wellyn's bear, which he still had. Creepyyyyyy....

With that, it was back to the graveyard district.

Calm yourself, my darling. There is... nothing more that can be done for him.
I... I know, my husband. [sob!] But I saw my poor little Wellyn, I saw him! He comes to me at night and he is not at rest! He was murdered... [sob!] ...and he is not at rest! But why?! [sob!] I just... don't... understand... [sob!]
Shhh. Shhh, my sweet. It will be all right. You, there... leave us alone. Can't you see that my wife is upset? Just... just leave us be.
It would seem that yon mourning doves are the parents of slain Wellyn, my raven.

Elsewhere...

Busy day for you? Find yourself a little rushed?
A little. Why do you ask that, friend?
Thought you might have cut a few corners, like burying a man alive!
I don't know what you are talkin'... I... I ain't done anything wrong! I'm just a simple gravekeeper, ain't no crime here!
Thou naughty varlet! Thou knowest right well what thou hast done!
No, no! I ain't done nothing!
Well, by your usage of grammar, then you have most certainly done SOMETHING, for that is what would be implied by your insistence in having not done nothing.
Ooooh, this is getting complicated! I didn't do anything! Almost nothing! He would have killed me if I hadn't helped!
Tell me everything about the man that was buried alive!
I don't know nothing! I just lets them bury what they want when I fill in the graves! It's a man in red what's I see! He's the one. He pays gold and I turn my head! You want him!
You must see him to get payment. Where do you meet?
I don't know where he is, he comes here. Look, I help you. I think I see him sometimes by Bridge District. There I help good! You're not going to tell anyone, are you? Are you?
I will not let this slide. The guards will hear of this!
Nooo! Gotta run! Gotta get away!

As night fell while we had that conversation, we went back to Wellyn's grave.

Yes, Wellyn... here is your bear. You can go to sleep now.
You have him! You have him! Oh, thank you, sir, thank you! I can go to sleep, now! Thank you!!
Rest. Rest, perturbed spirit. Today thou shalt be in paradise.
Thank you!
Actually, he has not accepted the True Lord into his heart, so he shall burn in the fires of Hell as eternal punishment!
Anomen, that reminds me of a story with my dear Cousin Aleyzan, who once had a crazy man throw books at him and tell him that the book was true because the book said so and then Aleyzan figured out that it wasn't going to stop so he went and started screaming and raving about how the man was clearly right and his mind was blown and my god this a long sentence when will I stop talking who knows too late I'm moving on hey did I ever tell you about monkeys I like them they're neat anyway back to Aleyzan the crazy man then went and started drawing horrible cartoons and anyway Anomen you sound just like those horrible cartoons so I'm going to hit you in the kneecaps with a large brick see I just did. [gasp] That was a long, long sentence.
_{So... Much... PAIN...}


Our... our little boy is at peace, now. He appeared to us to say good-bye, and told us that you had rescued his bear. I... I thank you, my Lord, you are very kind.
Yes, thank you so much. [sniff!] It is... such a relief. Come, my husband... let us go home.


Alright, we'll head off tomorrow, alright Minsc?
This is well and good!

We did, however, see a paladin mourning at a grave the next morning. Heh, mourning in the morning! _{It's funny because they're pronounced exactly the same.}

What brings you to this place?
I am no more unique than most who come here. My son lies in yon grave. I... I failed my oath to protect the lad, and he has been taken from me.
I am sure there is no need to blame yourself.
You know not of what you speak, though I am sure you mean well. I took the boy under my protection when his mother was slain by foul orcs in the mountains. I knew not her name, and could not save her from her injuries after I killed the orcs. She gave her son to me... I swore an oath to look after him as my own. And I have. I mean... I mean that I did. I love... loved the lad dearly. Stefan I named him. Strong, honest boy. But I was called by duty to Tethyr... on my return I discovered Stefan had been slain by brigans. I... I should have... should have been there for him...
You did all that you could. You are not to be blamed.
But I am. I failed my vow. And I know no way in which I can atone for my failure. If... if there was only some way... I would embrace it, gladly.
I'm sorry, I do not know how to help you.
It is no matter. I do not expect you to. But please... leave me to my grief a little longer. I... I am not ready to leave my son just yet.


That's terrible!
Indeed it is. And there is very little that can be done for her, as well... other than to put her into an orphanage, I suppose. She is so shy and sad, though, I am sure it will do her no good. Tsk. I would not ask you to care for her, surely... but might you know of someone who would make a suitable guardian?
Actually, there is a paladin not far from here who I think might be a suitable guardian. His own son has just died... and I think he might be amenable.
A paladin? A true paladin? Perhaps... perhaps that would be an excellent idea. If he is willing, that is. Please, my Lord... it would mean so much if you could find this paladin and ask him about this. Risa needs a proper guardian much more than an orphanage. I beg of you!
I will do as you ask.
Thank you, my Lord. I shall wait here for your return.
Jan? Haste.
Done and done! Away we go, with much zooming!


Actually, I may have a solution, Kamir. There is an orphan girl not far from here, with a priest of Lathander. Perhaps you could atone by caring for her.
An... an orphan, you say? Perhaps... perhaps that would be a way... to atone for my failure. Thank you, my Lord... I shall go and talk to them at once.


You are the paladin, are you? I am pleased to meet you. This is--
Risa. My name is Risa.
...yes. Yes, I am most pleased to agree. This is Risa.
Hello, Risa. I am happy to meet you.
Are you a knight? Your armor's awfully shiny.
I am a paladin, little one... something like a knight. I hold myself to strict standards within the worship of Helm. Do you know who Helm is?
N-no...
Then I... then I suppose I shall have to... teach you. Yes. I could teach you. Would you like that, Risa?
Don't you have any children?
Nay. Sadly, my son has recently died.
Oh... you must be very sad...
Yes, I am. I miss him very much. I think he would approve, however, of me taking care of you. That is... if you are willing.
O-okay... where do you live?
Come... I shall show you the church. Thank you, cleric... and thank you, too, my Lord. I am... most appreciative.
I am most pleased at this wonderful turn of events. Lathander's greatest blessing upon you, my Lord, for the part you have played in this. Sometimes... sometimes Faerun can be a kind place...

It's such a quest. I love it. And now, for entirely Saerileth mod-added content for the rest of this update! Well, the random-ass slaver attack wasn't added by it, and Anomen's quest starts, too. But the point is, we're off to Sigil and Baator! After some horrible, horrible shit, but that was a given.


Because you are so young, Saerileth.
[Saerileth's face is utterly blank.] And what is amiss in that? Mine own mother was fifteen when my father didst take her to wife. I understand it not. [Saerileth questions you no more, but you do not ever see comprehension dawn in her eyes.]

That's right. This mod is full of horrible, horrible pedo bullshit, and it fucking ADMITS it.

Well, we'd just had that little conversation about her being all young and such, when SUDDENLY!


You have crossed the mighty Glourkist!
I defy thee and thy devil lord!
You have no choice, Chosen of Tyr. Now you face the torment you have earned!

Glourkist will not be denied his prize!

And now, ladies and gentleman, it is my great pleasure to introduce to you, Bridget the Midget, the Queen of the Blues Lord Edorem, the incredibly bitchy paladin who is either Saerileth's extra-planar stalker if you fulfill the romance requirements or already betrothed to her if you don't. He's really the only fun thing about this mod for me, because if there's one thing in the world that I love, it's making emo kids cry. Even fake ones. Also, they put in so damn MANY different ways to fuck with him. I think they hated him, honestly.

Who are you, and what's going on here?
Edorem am I called, and I serve Tyr. I have known Saerileth since her time in Sigil. Glourkist has sent for her. He is a mighty lord of devils, one whom Saerileth crossed during her time in Sigil.
How?
She provided one of Glourkist's enemies with the knowledge of how to use the portal in the temple of Tyr, and using this portal, he eluded the demon-lord.

At this point, a random Tanar'ri burst through a planar portal and screamed at Edorem, saying "WE ARE NOT THE SAME AS THOSE DAMNED BAATEZU, FOOLISH MORTAL!" and left. It seems that they really, REALLY don't like being confused with their foes in the Blood War. Understandable, I guess. Anyway...

In place of his lost prize, he has taken Saerileth, but what his plans for her are, no-one knows.
Oh, most likely he intends to rape, torture, and otherwise inflict immense horrendous tortures upon our little starling for as long as he possibly can. You know, the usual. He'll be very organized with the whole thing, of course, being that he is a Baatezu. The Tanar'ri would have done largely the same thing, but in a much more impulsive manner.

Note - that's not actually in here, either. I just like writing for Haer'Dalis. vv And to you, creepy guy obsessed with Saerileth who I know is reading this, stop masturbating to the imagery in that line. I mean it. Stop, you useless, creepy bastard you.

Well, let's go find Glourkist!
Hold, bold one! Glourkist's wrath is mighty, and his reach is long. If you go to face him, you will need aid. Seek out the scepter of Tyr. Jharak knows of its whereabouts, so we must find and convince him to tell us.
I will recover this scepter.
Excellent. You show great compassion for your friend. At last report, Jharak had made for himself a home in the Hive. Let us seek him there.

And so, through a portal to Sigil we went.
I will await you here, Asim. I must maintain the conduit's connection to Baator. Find Jharak, quickly! Bring back the Scepter of Tyr!
There is truly no place like home, my raven! Though all be filth and grime here in the Hive, I do wish we had the time to see the marvels of the Civic Festhall. Or better yet, the Armory, stronghold of the Doomguard.

However, there was one thing most immensely confusing here...

Dire news, say you? What reason would I have to return to my father?
Your sister is dead. Most foully murdered, by all accounts.
Dead? By Helm! Murdered? How can this be? Why would you say such a thing?
I am truly sorry, m'lord. Perhaps you should return to your home as your father has requested.
Aye, and right quick. Asim, make haste! We must head for my father's home in the Government District of Athkatla!
I mourn for the loss of your sister, Anomen. I am truly sorry. We shall make our way to your father's house with all haste. Well, you know, right after we deal with this whole thing where WE'RE IN SIGIL WITH NO WAY BACK TO THE PRIME AT THE MOMENT.
Yes, that does pose something of an obstacle. Regardless, I must discover the truth about this murder. Let us go and conclude our business here, that we may return to my father soon.

This is actually a pretty common thing - you'll get to Sigil and then the messenger for some character or other's personal quest will pop up. There have been a few people who had Nalia in their party and the second they got to Sigil  the Roenall guy kidnapped her  thus making the following shit doubly hard.


There does appear to be a change in management since last this sparrow alighted here. Surely then even the barkeep was a zombie.

The barkeep had many things worth our substantial coin. Well, previously substantial. We left Sigil with almost no money at all. Ah well. Awesome loot is worth it, after all. Chief among the prizes we purchased lay a wonderfully crafted necklace and shield.

We couldn't find Jharak in the bar, so we went outside, where Haer'Dalis encountered an old aquaintance.

This sparrow fares as well as may be, traveling in the company of a godspawn and in search of a Chosen.
Now, if you know what's good for you, you'll stay out of the Powers' affairs!
But how does this sparrow find his old companion of the rings, D'aquilar?
I can't complain. I've avoided the dead-book, as you can see. What more could a djinn ask of the Cage? But how fares the little red-clad lady? How is Raelis?
Miss Raelis has flown on, and this sparrow has remained on the Prime without her.
Ah, tiefling loves - short as they are passionate. But, if you'll excuse me, the Hardheads are due through at any time. I'd best be off.
Farewell, falcon! May you never cease to think of the multiverse!
It's kind of a Doomguard to even remember an old Signer! Be well, Haer'Dalis.

Well, since we were out of leads on finding Jharak, we had to fall back on the old standard. Talk to random NPCs citizens. An Astral Deva seemed a more than fair place to start, really. It's not like they're dishonest, you know.

What do you need, godchild?
I need to know where Jharak is. Have you seen him?
I have seen him here in the Hive. You Primes ought to be wary of approaching him. He is from Ysgaard, and he is-- short-tempered. I believe he spends most of his time in the nearby bar.

Well, with the word of a deva to go on, we decided to give the bar another shot.
Actually, Jharak doesn't spawn into the Gathering Dust Bar until you have a Sigil NPC tell you to look there.

Glad we amuse you, pal. Now how about we talk business?
What business to Clueless have with Jharak of Ysgaard?
We're looking for the Scepter of Tyr.
Keep your voice down, berk! You wanna get us put in the dead-book?
Wouldn't mind if *you* were put there, but I like my own skin. Now, are you going to help me out or what?
Cutters who touch the Scepter go barmy. Besides, the high-up men of Tyr are looking for it, and I'm not getting involved.
What would make it worth your while to get involved?
Get me out of the Cage. There's a guy in the hive named Mon, and he knows the dark of the portal that'll take me home. He doesn't like Ysgaardians, though. You go get the key from him, and I'll tell you where my buddy stashed the Scepter.
Fine, I'll talk to this Mon character.
All right. But he's a mean Ogre. Watch your backs.

So, it was off to find Mon. Being an ogre, he was very big, and not very hard to find. Not very pleasant on the eyes or nose, either, but that's not really important.

You are Mon, are you not?
I am. What's it to you, berk?
I seek a portal key. Would you know where I can purchase one?
I might. Where do you want to go?
Ysgaard. How much do you want for the key?
Well, portal keys are valuable here in the Cage, but I'd be willing to part with that one for that lightweight shortsword of yours. That, or 2500 gold. Take your pick.
No, I will pay the gold instead.
Excellent. And here's your key.

The key was a lock of hair. Key in hand, we headed back to Jharak to get the scepter.


Yes, here it is. Now, tell us where the Scepter is.
Excellent! Now I can get out of this hole! My buddy passed the Scepter onto the proprietor of the Gathering Dust Bar. Ya know, for safe-keeping. Now, I gotta be going!

With that bit of useful knowledge in hand, we went to speak with the proprietor again.

Jharak told me you have the Scepter of Tyr.
Yeah, I got it, but I'd love to be rid o' the damn thing! Got agents of Tyr snooping around here all the time! Take it, so I can be rid o' the damn thing!

Well, since we finally had the Scepter in hand, we headed back to Edorem. Oh, and I purchased for myself a fancy Ring of Wizardry.





Right! The most annoying thing about this segment. Note the text at the bottom that reads "You cannot use abilities, cast spells, or use items in this area." It doesn't really matter in Sigil since you don't have to do any fighting there, but throughout both areas, you are not allowed to use any spells or items that were not in the quick spell or quick item slots when you entered Sigil. There's a very difficult fight for the level you are when you generally get sent here, too. Fortunately, there's a very cheap tactic involving Edorem being invincible and targetable by the enemy. You basically let it do a total of a few thousand damage to our emo paladin "friend" while everyone slowly whittles its health down.

We found Glourkist and his little devil servant.



I wield the Scepter of Tyr, and it is *you* who shall fall this day!
Hahahahaaa! Tyr has no power in my realm, mortals! Despair and know that now ye die!
Any moment now...
What?
Oh, I was just remarking that a spectacular plot device should be occurring now.
The world doesn't really work like a play, Haer'Dalis.

...I stand corrected. Pleasantly corrected, but corrected nonetheless.

After that, the lesser devil chose to assault us.
Not pictured - the fact that it took me literally 10 minutes to take this guy down.

Of course, take it!
I thank you.

With that, he restored Saerileth.
I didn't manage to screencap it, but this is actually the point that the "Saerileth" item shows up. The description is "Saerileth's Body. She lies unconscious, perhaps dying." It's in the inventory for a split second only and is purely a scripting tool, apparently. I actually didn't try to screencap it, because the pausing to view it can occasionally fuck the script and I didn't feel like doing that shit twice.

My beloved! Of course I would come for you. I cannot live without you!
Nor I without you. [Saerileth kisses your cheek.] I thank thee, beloved. And now let us return back to thy home.
Ahh, welcome to probably the only time I'll have no problem at all taking the "right" dialogue option. Because I do so love to cause emo kids to suffer, even virtual ones like Edorem.
[The knight's eyes are fixed on Saerileth as he speaks to you.] Then let us return to Toril, Child of Bhaal.

I thank you, Asim, truly. And as a small recompense for what you have done for Tyr by rescuing his most beloved Chosen, I give you this. It is a mighty hammer, sacred to Tyr. Use it to do good in the name of the Maimed God.

A couple of fun facts here. It's actually a sign of a form of autism to do that thing where you stare at one person only while talking to another. So not only is Edorem an emo kid, he's a potentially autistic emo kid! You'd think this might make me feel the slightest bit of guilt, but it makes the mental image of him running off to Sigil and cutting himself even funnier to me. Also, floating around in the mod's voice acting files, there's an unused bit of voice acting that would go during that. Here it is, in traditional Saerileth mod terrible voice acting style! (With me introducing it!)


Behold, the Hammer of Tyr. It was really a fairly nice item at the time.

I gave Saerileth the necklace I bought in Sigil.

[Wink.] No, it's for some other little blue-eyed paladin-of course it's for you!
Asim! [Saerileth's joy is greater than you would have imagined for such a simple gift.] Thou art too, too good to me! [Impulsively, she kisses your cheek and resumes her place in formation, her fingers ever sliding over your gift.]

This seems like an overreaction, but then you remember that she's 15 and it actually starts to make sense. Does she think it's like a promise ring, I wonder? Also, supposedly taking it off causes issues, but I didn't see any. I'll try a few more things before I give up. Also, just for Frankincense, we have...


[You bring it to your lips, and Saerileth smiles at you.] The feel of thy hands in my hair is like no other, Asim.

I'm guessing you were expecting her to overreact or something. If that's the case, I bet you feel horribly silly right about now. The part that I've done this morning reflects how vindictive I'm feeling. I've just had to deal with an idiot who "has Tourette's". He doesn't really, but the doctor said he does and he uses that as an excuse to say whatever the fuck he wants and not apologize. There was some Halo 3 going on, and basically, take the worst idiot you will ever encounter on Live and replace every word that isn't some sort of obscenity with an obscenity. Then add in threats that he will kick your ass at Super Smash Brothers Brawl. That's right, he threatens to kick your ass at a game that isn't out. And with that, I am going to go to sleep because I am fucking TIRED.

Archival Commentary - oh god what is wrong with me HOW DID THAT MOD SEEM LIKE A GOOD IDEA TO ME AT ANY POINT