Part 8: Showcasing the Trainwreck, part two - Meanwhile, in a Series of Alternate Dialogues
Showcasing the Trainwreck, part two - Meanwhile, in a Series of Alternate Dialogues
Okay, so when I mentioned that there's a lot of responses to Salvanas?
I wasn't kidding. At all.
So, I'm going to show you all what each option results in!
If you talk to her like that again, I'll turn you into a newt!
Oh, well, I have no desire to tangle with a spellcaster. But you have to admit, with a beauty like that, I had to try! So you want to get into Saerileth's pants, eh? Why don't you talk to the last guy who tried that. Oh, wait, do you speak slug? Oh, well, I have no desire to tangle with a spellcaster. But you have to admit, with a beauty like that, I had to try! [Hold a blade under Salvanas' privates and smile.] I can take the wind out of your sails, if you catch my meaning. You know, violence doesn't solve anything. Why can't we all just love one another? I volunteer to love Saerileth! Three options, "That's it!" "Now you die!" "I warned you!" all of which result in Oh! Gotta go! Salvanas, a wise man once said: don't hit on a Bhaalspawn's girlfriend. Understand? All right, stranger. I'll remember that next time I meet a Bhaalspawn. *I'm* a Bhaalspawn, you idiot. You? Well, there are plenty of other beauties in the city. Don't flatter yourself that yours is the only one eligible for my loving! See that hamster on that big guy's shoulder over there? That's what happened to the last guy who hit on Saerileth. Oh, well, I have no desire to tangle with a spellcaster. But you have to admit, with a beauty like that, I had to try! Look all you want, but only *I* get to touch. [Place arm around Saerileth.] Can I look *while* you touch? All right, I've had enough! Time to teach you a lesson in pain! Oh, gotta go! Salvanas, do not harass women with such foul language! It is merely the language of love, Asim. Whatever. Just keep tightlipped around Saerileth, then. You're obviously getting upset. Let's let things cool off for a while. Do that again, and I'll bleed you, right here, real slow! Got that? You know, violence doesn't solve anything. Why can't we all just love one another? I volunteer to love Saerileth! Three options, "That's it!" "Now you die!" "I warned you!" all of which result in Oh! Gotta go! [A readied spell swirling in hand.] *Please* do that again. [Salvanas takes a step back.] Um, let's not be hasty. I was just fooling around. I didn't mean anything by it - - honestly! Salvanas, I'd like to introduce you to my weapon. It's new, and I haven't used it yet. Would you like to help me break it in? You know, violence doesn't solve anything. Why can't we all just love one another? I volunteer to love Saerileth! Three options, "That's it!" "Now you die!" "I warned you!" all of which result in Oh! Gotta go! And so skilled with a sword that she could easily cut off what little you have in your own pants... even if it's as infinitesimal as your tact. Look, I don't have time for your little verbal exchanges and insults. I've got women to bed. Salvanas, you're an elf, and you probably know about the elf-hater over in the Promenade. Keep it up, and I'll bring him over here. Bring him, please! I hear he's got a hot sister, and I've been dying to meet her! Stick to the harlots. Otherwise I may be forced to resort to drastic measures. Understood? You know, violence doesn't solve anything. Why can't we all just love one another? I volunteer to love Saerileth! Three options, "That's it!" "Now you die!" "I warned you!" all of which result in Oh! Gotta go! Sir, that is no way to speak to a lady. Leave her alone. It is merely the language of love, Asim. Fine! Then don't talk to *my* Saerileth that way. You're obviously getting upset. Let's let things cool off for a while. Salvanas, understand that you are degrading my beloved in the sight of everyone in the tavern. I request you cease your foul speculations, otherwise I'll demand satisfaction in an honorable duel. You know, violence doesn't solve anything. Why can't we all just love one another? I volunteer to love Saerileth! Three options, "That's it!" "Now you die!" "I warned you!" all of which result in Oh! Gotta go! So, what are the chances of you and me making a Saerileth sandwich? Are you serious? Let's do it! I'll go get us three a room!
I wast decieved in thee, Asim, and thine affection for me. To thee, I am no more than a common harlot. A common stale is all that thou dost deserve! Saerileth is not for thee!That last line breaks off the romance. A pity, since it fit so well with the original Asim gimmick of "Who wants [random noun in no related to food] [random food type]", which was defined outside of this LP.
I think there's a few more responses that I couldn't get to show up, so here's Salvanas' responses to those, copy/pasted from the dialogue files.
@86 = ~There isn't a single hot chick down here! What happened to all the *goddesses* you spoke of?~
@90 = ~Oh, ha-ha! Very funny! Wait--actually, I wouldn't be opposed to sharing my bed with a blind woman, but she'd have to be hot!~
@91 = ~Yeah, thanks <CHARNAME>. I'll take another look around.~
@92 = ~Hey, I've found bangable tush in places far worse than this! *You* are the idiot for allowing a sex god like me to be unleashed in all my unrestrained virility upon these hapless, subterranean females!~
@93 = ~The Unseeing Eye? Hmph, they'll be worshipping a new "god" when this night is past!~
@94 = ~Oh, hang your *precious* beloved! I'm so sick of hearing how much you two are "in love"! Why can't you just throw her over the barrel and give her a good ramming. Then you might lighten up a bit and come out of fantasyland!~
Willie Tomg posted:
Actually I'd say it's more like trying to shoehorn an overt pedophile's wetdream into an otherwise perfectly good game. Every time there's a BG thread in Games there's at least two pages dedicated solely to speculating what kind of creepy fuck would actually download the Sarelieth mod. It's barely a step up from the humor of "ironically" LPing hentai games, except she isn't even unintentionally funny. It's just painful.
Yeah, the creepiness of it bounces off me. That apparently is what happens when you go to high school in an area where over 75% of the population is at least first cousins, and every year there's at least one senior guy who usually failed a few grades banging an 8th grade girl. You just get numb to some things. v
vThank GOD I graduated and don't ever have to go back there. Maybe I can recalibrate my creepy-meter now to the level of a normal person's...
Archival Commentary - waaaay too goddamn nice.