The Let's Play Archive

Battletech

by PoptartsNinja

Part 742: Let's Read Ghost War - Part 1

Let’s Read Mechwarrior Dark Age
A Brand New Era, A Brand New Saga!
GHOST WAR
a BattleTech novel
NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLING AUTHOR
MICHAEL A. STACKPOLE

Part 1

I know what you’re probably thinking. Poptarts, that title is absurd. And it is, but y’know what? It’s all on there. And boy doesn’t that cover just look like complete shit great? That `Mech on the cover is a Tundra Wolf, by the way, a `Mech I am 95% sure doesn’t appear in this novel at all since it’s a Clan Wolf design and I’m about 95% sure Clan Wolf also doesn’t appear in this novel. You’d think it’d be a Ghost, given the book title but hey, welcome to the Dark Ages: where everyone’s an imbecile and the BV doesn’t matter.





Now, before we dig right into things, I have a few words to say about Ghost War. Namely: it sucks. It’s the first Mechwarrior: Dark Age novel. It’s the first (and only, I hope) BattleTech novel written in first person perspective. It’s the first BattleTech novel with a protagonist so unsympathetic that you’d probably root for the bad guys (if what they were doing made any sense). Unfortunately, sense (and good villains) are in short supply in the Dark Ages, so hold onto your butts because it’s time for me to get a few chapters in and say ‘fuck reading this shit’ read Ghost War.

First, the teaser:

Ghost War posted:

CAUGHT

Light flickered, spent cannon shells arced; then Digger’s left leg jerked. It somersaulted foot over knee further into the alley, bouncing off one building, crushing a Dumpster. Digger’s next step, which would have been with that leg, jammed the severed knee joint into the ground. It punched through the ferrocrete and stuck fast, slinging the `Mech around to the right before the whole hip assembly shrieked and popped free.

That released Digger and let the `Mech slam back-first into a building. It crumpled, but so did the thin armor on the engines. The impact crushed the engines, causing a minor explosion that kicked Digger up about a meter, then dropped it flat on its back. Sparks flew in the cockpit and equipment shorted. My head smashed back against the command couch and I sat there, stunned.

Soon enough Constabulary officers appeared on the cockpit canopy and looked down at me. They had guns.

I had nothing.

And the day had started with such promise.

Did you enjoy that? The clipped sentences, the pointlessly repetitious repetition, the complete and utter lack of surge protection, the random capitalization of the word ‘Dumpster’ making it sound like it’s the archetypal ‘Dumpster’ rather than just the regular, ordinary refuse bin? No? Well neither did I.

So strap into your restraint couch, hook up your cooling vest, and close the visor of your neurohelmet because the entire book is written exactly like this and I’m already regretting what I’m about to undertake.



Chapter 1

Ghost War posted:

Wise Men Think Twice Before Acting Once
—Ancient Terran Proverb

Ghost War starts out with a pretentious beginning-of-chapter quote. It’s going to keep doing this and most of the next ten or so are nonsense about animals (I looked ahead, sue me, the chapters are short). The first paragraph of Ghost War also commits a cardinal sin: attempting to be witty but failing utterly. Just so you can suffer the same as I am, here it is:

Ghost War posted:

I once heard someone complain that the two most abundant things in the universe were hydrogen and human stupidity, but she declined to say which lead the way. I figure that in the random distribution of things throughout the universe, hydrogen probably has the edge, but in Leary’s Eyrie stupidity was being stockpiled at an alarming rate. This wasn’t unusual or even rare, but the pressure of it seemed to dull even smart folks and fray nerves.



One paragraph in and I’ve already had to set the book down to remind myself that no, I don’t own a lighter and even if I did burning down my apartment just to kill this one book wouldn’t be in my best interests. The book then goes on to “cleverly” imply that everyone who drinks beer is a fat pig in the next paragraph, and the third describes what a disgusting pig the main character is.

Oh, I’m sorry, what a ‘rugged individual’ the main character is. You see, our as-yet unnamed main character is a SPACE LUMBERJACK chopping down trees even though the Planeteers keep showing up to lecture them about pollution. No, I’m not kidding, he’s at odds with the People and Diverse Species Union (PADSU) of the Gaian Guerilla Front (SPACE ENVIRONMENTALISTS) whose philosophies make no sense even for Stackpole antagonists. The main character describes them as luddite hippies who seek to return to nature and are going to do so with the help of guns, explosives, and murdering lumberjacks.

In other words, they’re hypocrites who use high technology in order to punish other people for using high technology.



The other lumberjacks are talking about how the GGF just might be responsible for the destruction of the “communication’s grid.” We won’t find out what this means for probably another three pages, but basically the Dark Ages start when all the HPGs in the Inner Sphere stop working simultaneously for no reason whatsoever. We then get told out of the blue that Kai Allard-Liao died fighting the Capellan Confederation on behalf of the Republic of the Sphere, proving that even in death he’s still the biggest Mary Sue in space.

Where’s that crying neurohelmet in front of a Capellan flag emote?

The lumberjacks then start fellating Devlin Stone as if he’s right there in the room with them. Given that Stone ~*~mysteriously vanished~*~ a few years back he just might be. But we don’t know that yet and we don’t know the HPGs aren’t working because why actually explain what’s going on when you can have people talk (like inbred yokels) around the actual talking points and suck off all of your other creations?

We then get told (not shown) that the Republic is great even though it broke up ethnic groups and scattered them all over in an effort to kill Space Nationalism and brainwash the populace into being loyal Space Republicans. It also says that everyone really is living happily ever after. No, I’m not joking, that’s word-for-word what the book says.

It then goes on to say that the Republic praised and rewarded collaborators while sending BattleMechs to go roll around on its naysayers until the citizens, who have been disarmed completely, step in line. Now, to put that in perspective, House Kurita used to be the most brutal Great House because they’d occasionally boil someone’s entire family line in oil. The Republic of the Sphere usurped that position by forcibly breaking up ethnic groups and then murdering—sorry, “punishing”—everyone who said “hey, maybe this isn’t such a good idea.”

Yup, about two pages from mentioning the ‘communications collapse’ they finally explain what that means. No more HPGs, so everyone’s stuck slow-boating space-mail with JumpShips. I’d talk more about the lumberjack characters but there’s only one character that matters in this travesty and it’s the narrator. They hem and haw about the specifics some more until The Main Character Explains it All ™

The main character then exposits what happened to the HPGs as he sees it (he’s correct, because he’s Corran Horn a Stackpole character): someone organized all of the Republic’s malcontents and they blew everything up in one fell swoop. He then muses about whether or not the bartender is going to shack-up with a hot lady lumberjack, but decides the bartender’s too much of a fat fucker to do it.

Ghost War posted:

“Piece?” I shot the bald man a hooded glance. I knew he’d used the term piece to rile Pep, since she’d rejected more advances from him than I had fingers and toes to count—and that was just this afternoon. Of course, with her being so small and him being so, well, round, they would never hook up. Save for the lack of gun turrets and his wearing lumberjack castoff clothing, Leary could have been mistaken for a Union-class DropShip.

Classy.

We then learn that a Knight of the Sphere (not a Knight of the Inner Sphere, just of the Sphere) has landed and then some jailbait walks into the bar and goddamn Stackpole I’m just skipping this whole paragraph because it’s creepy as fuck. Actually, y’know what? I just read the next paragraphs and you’re all going to suffer with me. SUFFER WITH ME.

Ghost War posted:

In through the door came two women. Gorgeous women, beer-ad gorgeous they were, and one was even clad in the sort of baby-doll T-shirt and short shorts that’s the style in beer ads. Young enough to look innocent, old enough to know how to use that look of innocence, with blond hair and a dazzling smile, she paused inside the door and looked at all of us.

She had luscious Azure eyes.

By the way, my using the word azure, that’s how you know this is literature. If it wasn’t, I’d have just said blue. Sapphire could have worked, too, or lapis lazuli, but she had the sort of softness that doesn’t make you think of minerals.

But I digress, which is another literary thing to do, just in case you were keeping score.

FUCK. YOU.

The other one looks mean. Anyway, both women are ecoterrorists. One is innocent and an idiot and the other is looking to pick a fight, so the main character immediately moves in to beat them up. Ok, he tries to shoo them off first (he’s a rugged gentleman you see) and then breaks the mean-looking one’s nose by punching her square in the face.

The Narrator’s lumberjack friend Zangief (ok, Boris, but he’s seriously Zangief) then grabs the narrator in a bear hug for daring to punch a woman. So the main character kicks Zangief in the balls and we then find out his name is Sam (Fisher). End of chapter.