Part 826: Battlemechs are Awesome commercials sponsored by Defiance Industries - Hermes II

Time for a little something something. Just finished a midterm and feeling good.

BattleMechs are Divisively Awesome


Today's episode: HER-2* Hermes II
Brought to you by Irian MechWorks: Irian. We probably own your whole family.

[The scene opens with three men. Two RESEARCHERS and a BIG SWEATY FAT GUY IN A SUIT. BIG SWEATY FAT GUY IN A SUIT is behind a desk in his office, as the RESEARCHERS present a design to him.]

RESEARCHER 1: Well, as you may know, we at Irian have been contracted by the LCCC to design a replacement for our Hermes scout mech here, in the year 2798.

RESEARCHER 2: That is the year it is. 2798. [He stares at the camera for a moment]

BIG SWEATY FAT GUY IN SUIT: Yeah, I know! In 2798, we're gonna make like a zillion Marik Bux, because with the Succession War on, people are desperate for anything. So we're gonna offer them something they can build real cheap and build a lot of!

R1: Yes, and that's why I had another idea. What if the Hermes II wasn't a scout at all? What if it was an Assault Mech? Then we could sell it to the SLDF for their scout regiments and when Scout hunter mechs like Lyran Commandos come around then our Assault Hermes will blow the shit out of them.

R2: I was thinking we should build a scout mech armed with a long range weapon to help our lights face off against Liao Vindicators. And the only thing that will counter a Liao PPC is... an [CENSORED}* AC/5!
(*Sorry, Oriente Weapons, but if you want us to use your brand name, you gotta pay)

R1: That's a terrible idea.

R2: Worse than an Assault Mech for scout units?

R1: Shut up!

R2: No, YOU shut up!

BSFGIS: People, settle down. What we need to do is take these ideas and combine them! That's where the real money is at, compromise designs. So, we're going to build an Assault Scout that fights Lyran scout-hunter Commandos but also Liao fire support Vindicators.

R1 & R2: That is correct.

BSFGIS: I've got it. First, we take the original Hermes and upscale it 10 tons. You with me so far? Then we use that weight to add an [CENSORED] AC/5 for ranged combat.

R1: I'm with you so far, but where's the "assault" part?

BSFGIS: That's simple. We'll add a flamer so you can fight in cities. Fighting in cities is a type of assault.

R2: OF COURSE. It's so simple!

BSFGIS: And here's the best part: so that we can fight off those Commando things everyone's so worried about, we make it... slower. By a lot.

R2: But then they'll be MORE inclined to attack the Hermes II.

BSFGIS: Exactly. We'll lure them in with our apparent lack of weapons and then when they're in close range, then we'll hit them with our MEDIUM LASER.

R1: But that's... one less medium laser than the original design.

BSFGIS: Researcher 1, you're fired. Researcher 2, you're now Researcher 1.

[Old Researcher 1 sobs and leaves the screen, Researcher 2, now Researcher 1, smiles.]

R1: So what you're saying is, by making it worse than the Hermes, we're making the Hermes II better?

BSFGIS: That's the Irian way!


[For 1/4 a second, a message flashes at the bottom of the screen.
"This was not an actual historical recording, but rather, a dramatization produced independently with the help of donations from Defiance Industries. Any similarities to any person or organization living or dead is purely coincidental."]