Part 835: Battlemechs are Awesome commercials sponsored by Defiance Industries - Hatchetman
It's time.Our scene opens with two young boys of indeterminate nationality playing together in a pristine field. The sky above is vast and blue, with the right amount of clouds to ensure they are on a planet where it rains. Great trees stretch upwards, unafraid of being used to light a flaming circle where two 'Mechs punch the shit out of each other. They speak perfect Star League English, even when making explosion noises at each other.
"When I grow up, I'm going to be a MechWarrior like my dad!" One of them exclaims proudly, jumping up into the air with a "wooosh" while making shooty noises with his mouth.
"Wow, your dad is a MechWarrior?" The other boy asks. "What mech does he drive?"
The first boy turns to his friend and beams. "My dad drives a Shadow Hawk!" He tells his friend.
The second boy's face turns dark. He runs over, tackles the first boy, and pushes him down a nearby embankment, tumbling end over end through the dirt and rocks. As he lies at the bottom, battered and bruised, the second boy shouts down at him, "that's for making me think your dad was cool, even for a second."
Don't let this be you.
BattleMechs Are Awesome
Today's Subject: the HCT-3F Hatchetman
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Hi, it's me again: Vice President of Defiance Industries Marketing Division, Daniel Namni-Brewer. For a long time, we lived in a world where having any 'Mech, any at all, made you the coolest dad your kid could have. Well, thanks to breakthroughs here at Defiance Industries which were quickly imitated by our competitors, that era is coming to an end. New 'Mechs and new designs have started to appear again. Finally, after over a century of darkness, there's no longer any reason to be saddled with the indignity of a mech that piles on as many insultingly tiny guns as possible. Sure, it's nice for a little while, but we both know that when you're in the hangar with the other guys, you see that dude in the Mechbay next to yours with new designs like the Banshee-S or the Caesar and then you feel jealously bubble up inside of you in the shower the next morning.
Well, I'm here to tell you that Defiance Industries is running at 111% to fix that problem for you. We believe everyone deserves to be in the best Defiance Industries products we can build, and we'd like to introduce one of them today: the HCT-3F Hatchetman. This design is not some mishmash of generalist equipment that fails to do anything well; the Hatchetman is all about getting up close and personal, to rearrange a face or two.
With a ground speed of 64.8 kph, the Hatchetman isn't going to win any land speed contests, but it's not a sprinter built for open field combat. It's 160 meter jump radius allows it close-quarters maneuverability, especially in restricting terrain like canyons, cities or giant burning forests. To make use of that, we gave it a pair of primary weapons that can be devastating up close: a Defiance Killer Heavy Autocannon and the weapon that gives the 'Mech it's name: a giant, mech-sized ax made of depleted uranium and wrapped in titanium. So next some someone gets close, instead of this-
the screen cuts to a Shadow Hawk throwing a limp wristed punch as the Price is Right "wrong" horn plays
-you get this:
the Hatchetman slices open the cockpit of an enemy mech like it's a goddamn sushi chef. A guitar wails in the background.
See what I mean? That's a mech people will be proud of, especially when you throw in the pair of Defiance B3M medium lasers- the best medium lasers you can buy! That's added value right there. Most people would have said "we gave it a great autocannon AND a great ax, that's enough, let's call it a day," but not Defiance. Do you know someone who was cut to pieces after their cockpit didn't blast all the way off? Did someone have to eject into a blizzard on Alshain and was never seen again? Maybe the ejection seat went off crooked and Goose broke his neck? Not an issue with the Hatchetman. On this revolutionary new design, the entire head detaches and blasts you free of the engagement, keeping you safe.
When you go into battle in a Hatchetman, you know that you are piloting a piece of quality Defiance engineering, built to our standards that nobody else can match. And most importantly, you're piloting something your children aren't embarrassed of. Let's go back and see how it would have played out if that boy's father had traded in his junky old Shadow Hawk for some quality Defiance gear, shall we?
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"...My dad drives a Hatchetman" He tells his friend.
The other boy's jaw drops and his eyes light up like he is staring into the face of a god. "I wish your dad was my dad." He finally concedes, after stunned silence. Then a group of appropriately-diverse children run through and scoop the first boy onto their shoulders, parading him about like a hero. When he went home, he rewarded his father with well-earned peace and quiet. THE END.
This Hatchetman is getting ready to chop some goddamn heads off.
This message was brought to you by Defiance Industries.
Defiance: The Biggest. The Baddest.