Part 10: Have You Ever Danced With The Ultimate Evil In The Pale Moonlight?

Howdy, folks, and welcome back! Last time, on Breath of Death VII: The Beginning, we went through the ruins of Langsong and recovered the crystals. We must now take them to a desert laboratory to...Do something with them. This was originally planned as two separate updates, but when I was actually taking screenshots, I realized I've made bigger updates for normal updates, so fuck it, you're getting a bigger update for the finale. With that said, let's dance.



I'm watching Columbo and I just glanced up and it's the episode with Ricardo Montalban.



I friggin' love Columbo, no lie. My wife hates it, so I put it on when she's going to bed, because she finds it so boring, it helps her sleep better.



Ah, hell, how am I supposed to navigate this shit!?



Oh. You assholes, Zeboyd, that's what the sewer should have been!







So, this is our final world map area, and it's a friggin' desert. It's about as visually interesting as a fat man's stomach.





However, there are still plenty of new enemies.



Including these sons of bitches that...Well, they don't do very much.



I'm not even sure what this actually does. I'm guessing it instantly kills whoever it affects, but I've never seen that happen. Maybe they have to be below a certain HP threshold?





I'm not sure what we're walking through here. I'm not even sure if I could hazard a guess as to what they are.





Ugh. Both of these monsters are assholes.



Steel Golems have sky-high defense, but magic will tear them apart.



While Dark Wizards use their magic to wreck your shit.



Sara blew one of the Golems apart with Chill Blast, but oof, do they hit hard.





I'm not sure if Dark Wizards have other attacks, but they don't really need them. They can kick your ass just fine with the two you've seen here.







Like most desert areas, this one is pretty large and sprawling.



Man, in an undead world, vultures must eat like kings. Seriously, think about it.



And this is about all I see them do here.





That's our final dungeon right there, but the bonus dungeon is just a little ways away, so let me show you where it is.









Yeah, this feels uninspired.



So, I'll skip to the end, since I feel uninspired by this.



Oh, hey, neat!



Yeah, I don't even give a shit about the other option.



And there's the bonus dungeon! We might go through this, but that depends on the voting.

If you weren't aware, I'm holding a vote for if I go through that dungeon. Don't forget to BOLD a vote for yes or no!





Yeah, pretty much.



We might come back to this later, but for now, enjoy what the Chat has to say!





Hey, man, for $3, you got two games with a buncha bonus features. That's not too bad.



I'd rather we be harsh on them for pissing away this setting.



Which I'm sure everyone else is far more interested in.





On the way back, Dem and Sara gain levels.



You know how it goes with these kinds of levels. I take the stat boosts, because that just seems better to me.



Now that's quite a bit of damage.



That...Not so much, and it's kind of expensive. She gets the Holy Blast, instead of cribbing off Tien for an attack.



Oh, what the hell, Lita levels up, too. This actually happened a battle later, but I'm sure you don't care I'm showing it here.



Huh. I probably could have just skipped that. Eh.



Alright, final dungeon, let's-a go!





And, uh, yeah. One last merchant is just dumped unceremoniously outside of it, along with a save point.





And he's selling Erik's (and only Erik's) ultimate gear. Sure, why not, game.



It bugs me so much when you can just buy someone's ultimate weapon and armor. It doesn't feel like you've really earned it, like it was pretty much just handed to you. Granted, when you find it, or an enemy drops it, that's nearly handed to you, too, but that way, at least you've done some work for it. It's not like the Ultimate Sword of Badass Destruction was just sitting in some shopkeep's inventory, not selling, taking up precious space for months while nobody can afford it, and the shopkeep wonders why he stocked it in the first place, since it meant that his kids couldn't get into their private schools until a team of schlubs comes along to drop their cash on it.



Or something like that. Either way, final dungeon!



It's not that bad, really.



Bottom of all what, exactly? What the fuck are we trying to do?



They could have made the game's ultimate goal to be Lita's desire to study these machines and I'd be fine with that.



As things are, I don't have a fucking clue what we're actually doing. I know we're adventuring, but why? One thing in games that I can't stand is when I don't have a clear end goal in mind; it's why I don't do very well with MMOs where you end up having to grind out a ton of shit to get somewhere else to grind out a ton of shit.



It's why I quit Warframe; I had fun with it and all, but when it became a game of me trying to get these parts to get this better thing, that would take me several real hours to make, to then try and get a better thing, I just stopped having fun.





The weird thing is that with that, there is a clear goal; to get the better shit. But on that same ticket, not knowing when the better shit will come, having to rely on the random drops, is what kills me.



Huh. I think I made my point a little disjointed and invalid by saying that.



It's one of those things that I know what I mean, but I can't probably articulate it.



Oh, hey, new enemies.



Fart clouds and evil robots. Fantastic.



Somehow, the roaming clouds of poo gas are quite sturdy.



While Security Bots are barely tougher.





Show of hands, who is surprised by this attack?





Hmm, yes, quite futuristic and sciencey. How Umbrella of them.



Once again, oddly enough, there's nary Resident Evil reference to be found anywhere.



That's a pretty wasted opportunity. At least give me something about a weapon effective against living things, in this undead world. I mean, we had the master of unlocking thing earlier, but c'mon, do something better. We're even in a fucking secret lab!





Most of the video I took for this final dungeon is me wandering and fighting. For your convenience, I've cut out most of that.



But not the super spoooooky lab coats!







I'm not sure how a lab coat slapping you would hurt that much. Maybe if it caught you with a button in the eye?



I'd be impressed/shitting myself over something like that.





And with that, you've seen the full range of abilities present in this fight. This is also one of the more common encounters that I found.



Not that it's a disappointing encounter, but c'mon, how many scientists were down here? And how many of those junior chemistry sets were they using?





I'm imagining the lenses are literally an "I" and a "Q" and I'm wondering how the hell you can see out of those.



Not even Elton John would wear that shit.



Note to self; if I ever design an RPG where someone uses glasses as armor, Elton John glasses are to be their ultimate armor.





That staircase leads to the next area, but I explore around here a bit more. I'll just show the highlights.









Maybe this has been a boring LP, but I can only do so much with what the game gives me. I'm not one of those great LP'ers that can make gold out of poor writing and dialog.







While that's pretty cool, too, I'm going to go the selfish route here.



After that last skill that Dem learned, this is just so to me.





Alright, floor two!



Well, that didn't take long.





Hrm...I'm going with the Life Drain. It could come in handy later on, while I couldn't put anything to Sleep that I'd really want to.



Hey, a treasure chest!



And another one!







In other news, my influenza has started clearing up nicely. I've just got a residual headache now, and I can deal with that. As long as I take the anti-nausea pills, I feel pretty good.









In a lot of RPGs, I can kind of imagine the little bits of conversation characters are having while they're going through the dungeons, but in this one, I can't think of a single thing anyone would be saying.



To me, it means a lot when a game can let me fill in some gaps like that; we don't have to see every character interaction, but if it's doing a good enough job to where I can imagine some snippets of dialog here and there, they've done a pretty good job.



But here? I've got nothin'.







Hey, Laser Guns! I like the pew pew pews.



But I'm sticking with the SMG. I like the four hits.



And, fuck it, since the journey is just more corridors, here's the other chest.



It's a kickass new shield for Dem! Which is, what, the fourth one he's had the entire game?



Anywho, here's the staircase leading down to the next level.



A save point? Must be some serious shit ahead.





Oh, come on, game, don't do this. You're better than this.



While I usually like the "evil clone" fight in games, in this one, it just feels like it's there because the developers thought it should be.



Give me one good reason why this fight is here.







Or why someone happened to have these evil twins on hand. Or were they made in this lab? Who would make them?





As to be expected, they have mirror versions of our attacks.







Normally, I'd go for their healer first, but since Lita had powerful magic to blast at us, and the lowest HP (and since she can't be brought back), I took out their vampire first.



Ouch. Terrible demons.



Heroics is a hell of a skill. Nothing like doubling your damage output.





Though, this fight did come down to the wire, in a Dem on Dem battle like you wouldn't believe!



Well, now, that just seems excessive.





Had we been pumping Dem's Magic, the Holy Blast would be the stronger, but since I focused on Strength for him, Holy Strike is much more powerful.



Well, hell, two levels. Ain't that somethin'.



Jesus, Sara got an awful lot of extra attacks. Too bad Dem or Erik couldn't have gotten some extra hits like that.





Though, Erik does get a hell of a boost to Smash!, and one that I won't turn down.



And yet another Unite attack I won't use, because I could deal more damage with the party using individual attacks.



I'm not against the idea of Unite attacks, but if you're going to put them in your game, give me a reason to use an attack that's taking up two characters' turns.



The Double and Triple Techs in Chrono Trigger are a good example of how those types of attacks were done right. They were strong enough that I could justify taking up two characters to perform one attack.



In this game, they seem to be there just for the sake of being there. Like a lot of other things in this game, really. I don't think the developers had the proper idea of why they did some things, that they were just doing them because other games had done them before.



But that's getting into a facet of game design that I know nothing about. Like pretty much every other aspect of game design.



I only "know" what I "know" because I've spent a bit of time writing about games I've been playing, and I think that gives me a few different ideas about how games should work.



In all actuality, I could be talking out of my ass and be completely wrong.



Oh, hey, something kind of interesting. I'm not sure why you'd give a zombie machine guns, but why not? They did it in one of the Resident Evil novels. Why not here?





Y'know, I think it'd be mighty hard to hit Dem with a bullet, considering he's a skeleton. And Sara, since she's a ghost. 'course, I've never shot at a skeleton or a ghost, so I don't really know.



Alright, let's cut out a bunch of useless wandering and get to the end of this.



Save points; they mark all the important spots.





Our final challenge is just ahead. What could it be?



What could this all have been for? What are the crystals?



Why are they so important? Who would want to collect them?



Uh...Some Doctor Light lookin' motherfucker, I guess.



Shut up, Sara.







At least explain something about this shit.



Dr. Dark? Oh, Jesus Christ.



And the last human survivor? Are all the zombies a different race somehow? I'm pretty sure they stay human, even if they're dead.



How fucking long have you been down here? Just because you've grown a Santa beard does not mean it's been long enough!



Oh, of course, they're used to power a time machine. Why couldn't I have guessed that?



I'm pretty sure he wasn't using them for anything else, Lita.



Jesus, don't fuckin' yell at us.



Awfully demanding, aren't you?



Who the hell knows? Nobody seems to really know how time travel works.



So, wait, you're too much of a wuss to do this yourself, but you fully expect us to do it?



What? Shit, no, we're not giving him the crystals. Once he quits being a puss, then we can talk about it.



Oh, goddammit, it's one of these "choices".



Our entire party is a bunch of assholes for not calling this dipshit out on this.





Oh, hey, here's our final boss fight.



Well, he certainly looks like a final boss.



And that's definitely final boss HP. It's also a good sign of how evil he is; if three sixes is the devil, then five sixes must be like, the Super-Devil.



Rumor has it that the Super Devil is the biggest threat to our salvation.



Holy crap, this guy isn't fucking around.



So I bust out all the stops. Rain of Fire, Call Bats, I even use Erik's Regenerate spell.



And spraying him down with machine gun fire.



For the most part, this fight isn't very exciting. The Ultimate Evil doesn't have much beyond what we've already seen. Aside from his massive HP, there's not too much to say about this fight. It's a slug fest that takes longer than the usual boss fight, but only because he has 66,666 HP.



So, we just blow his head off with a blast of cold.







What, like that thing floated down, hooked up its laptop and changed the programming to EVIL? Possibly while flipping the switches?



In all reality, that thing wouldn't have shown up if we hadn't. It was here just to kill us.



Oh, and we're back to time travel.





It'd have such a better impact if we actually gave a shit about these people.



Just shoot him in the face, Lita. Nobody will care; your history is about to be undone.



I sincerely hope she's responding to my statement.



Oh, you one-note fuck, get out of here.



Christ, your unlife must have been awful.





For once, Dem, shut the fuck up.



Oh, yeah, just glaze over something else that could have been really interesting. That's a great way to do things.



deserve.



...Is that a bit of Engrish in the final screenshot? What the hell? Is that one last joke, or did you guys genuinely fuck up on the last thing the player is going to see?

Oh, whatever. Next time, I'll probably be doing the bonus dungeon. If not, I'll be going to Cthulhu Saves The World, so I'll (hopefully) see you there!