Part 11

Sorry for the delay - I was sick a bunch this week, and then yesterday was Valentine's Day.

So where were we - we got the cheque, and we're - oh, god, yes, that's why I was avoiding this. I mean sick. I was sick.

We have a check for -$75.00. I guess the obvious thing to do is go to the bank and cash it:

quote:

>n
Hallway

>w
109 35th

The ghastly nerd reappears at your side, peering myopically through his filthy Coke-bottle spectacles. "There you are!" he whines. "I've got something I know you'll want. A set of rare hackers' log-file disks! Only 76 bucks!"

>look at disks
These disks contain hundreds of incredibly rare telephone numbers, passwords, user accounts and encryption routines for getting into other people's computers and fouling them up. They really hate it, but I don't mind telling you -- after all, you're one of us.

The nerd waves the set of rare hackers' log-file disks impatiently. "C'mon, lady. 76 bucks! A bargain!"

>give cheque to nerd
The nerd glances at the cheque. "I don't want that," he whines. "I want 76 bucks!"

Sorry, guys.

quote:

>nerd, go away
The nerd shakes his obnoxious little head. "76 bucks first," he whines.

>n
You discover the bank is closed for 9 minutes.

Oh, god...

quote:

>z
Time passes.

"No money, no set of rare hackers' log-file disks," whines the nerd.

>z
Time passes.

The nerd stumbles out of sight with the set of rare hackers' log-file disks. "I'll be back," he threatens.

>z
Time passes.

>n
As you enter, you hear an announcement say, "WARNING: The bank will close in 22 minutes."

Bank

You are in The Fillmore Fiduciary Trust Bank. There is an exit to the south and teller windows to the north.

Ok, now that we've made it inside the bank, we've got a limited amount of time. The teller windows are randomized each time, so we'll have to search around a bit before we find the right one. (Just ignore the lines they tell you to stand in - they're meaningless.)

quote:

>n
Teller #5

You are in The Fillmore Fiduciary Trust Bank at teller window number 5.

This window has a sign above it that says:
THIS WINDOW FOR WITHDRAWALS ONLY.

The teller at the window says, "Do you wish to make a withdrawal?"

>>no
The bank teller instructs you to go to window 3.

>w
Teller #4

You are in The Fillmore Fiduciary Trust Bank at teller window number 4.

This window has a sign above it that says:
THIS WINDOW FOR ADDRESS CHANGES ONLY.

The teller at the window says, "Do you wish to file a change of address?"

>>w
Just answer yes or no!

>>n
The bank teller instructs you to go to window 1.

I'm amazed that little mistake didn't affect my blood pressure.

quote:

>w
Teller #3

You are in The Fillmore Fiduciary Trust Bank at teller window number 3.

A sign on the window says NEXT WINDOW PLEASE.

>w
Teller #2

You are in The Fillmore Fiduciary Trust Bank at teller window number 2.

This window has a sign above it that says:
THIS WINDOW FOR CHECK CASHING ONLY.

The teller at the window says, "Do you wish to cash a check?"

>>y
"Please give me the check," she says.

>show cheque to teller
You'd have to take the cheque out of the envelope first.

>get cheque
You take the cheque out of the envelope.

>show it to teller
She takes the cheque and says, "Please show me some ID."

>show passport to teller
The bank teller looks at your passport. She returns your cheque to you. She says, "Your ID's OK, but I'm afraid I've run out of negative money; the Treasury has it all."

>ask teller about negative money
[This story can't understand the word "negative" when you use it that way.]

[Your blood pressure just went up.]

>ask teller about treasury
[This story isn't allowed to recognise the word "treasury."]

[Your blood pressure just went up.]

Ok, so maybe we can deposit it into our account, where it'll... magically turn into positive money... which we can then withdraw!

quote:

>w
Teller #1

You are in The Fillmore Fiduciary Trust Bank at teller window number 1.

A sign on the window says NEXT WINDOW PLEASE.

>e
Teller #2

THIS WINDOW FOR CHECK CASHING ONLY.

>e
Teller #3

NEXT WINDOW PLEASE.

>e
Teller #4

THIS WINDOW FOR ADDRESS CHANGES ONLY.

>e
Teller #5

THIS WINDOW FOR WITHDRAWALS ONLY.

>e
Teller #6

You are in The Fillmore Fiduciary Trust Bank at teller window number 6.

A sign on the window says NEXT WINDOW PLEASE.

>e
Teller #7

You are in The Fillmore Fiduciary Trust Bank at teller window number 7.

This window has a sign above it that says:
THIS WINDOW FOR DEPOSITS ONLY.

The teller at the window says, "Do you wish to make a deposit?"

>>y
"Here is a deposit slip," she says as she hands you one.

>fill out slip

code:

Last name: PHILABOY
First name: HUXLEY
Middle initial: Q
Amount of deposit: $ 75.00
From illegal activity? (y/n): N
If yes, which one: [no value]

As soon as you hit the - key, it says: "ERROR: - is OK for us not you."

That's just insulting.

I'm a little worried that our slip doesn't actually match the cheque because of that. I'm sure they'll seize on any excuse to reject it.

quote:

You have now filled out the slip.

[Your blood pressure just went up.]

>give deposit slip and cheque to teller
[You can't refer to more than one object at a time with "give."]

[Your blood pressure just went up.]

>give deposit slip to teller
She takes the deposit slip and asks you for the cheque or money.

>give cheque to teller
"Please show me some ID."

>show passport to teller
The bank teller looks at your passport. She says (while returning your cheque), "Your ID doesn't correspond to your deposit slip. Have a nice day."

My... wait, my ID doesn't match? That's the last thing I was expecting. Is there a mistake in my passport? Good thing I caught it now, instead of when I was trying to get on the plane!

quote:

>look at passport
You flip open your passport, glance to make sure your French visa is still readable, shudder at the picture, wonder if you really look like a dead llama, and close the book.

Unfortunately, the bank has closed. You are whisked out of the bank with an efficiency that the bank obviously never applies to approving mortgages or clearing out-of-state cheques.

109 35th

ARRRGH.

No, turns out there's nothing wrong with my passport. I was just careless in filling out the slip. (Take a closer look if you haven't spotted the mistake.)

quote:

>n
As you enter, you hear an announcement say, "WARNING: The bank will close in 29 minutes."

Bank

They didn't lock me out for any time at all this time! That was nice of them.

Unfortunately, all the tellers have moved.

quote:

>n
Teller #5

THIS WINDOW FOR DEPOSITS ONLY.

The teller at the window says, "Do you wish to make a deposit?"

>>

Fortunately, the one we want happens to be right be the entrance now.

quote:

>>y
"Here is a deposit slip," she says as she hands you one.

>fill out slip

code:

Last name: HUXLEY
First name: PHILABOY
Middle initial: Q
Amount of deposit: $ 75.00
From illegal activity? (y/n): N
If yes, which one: [no value]

You have now filled out the slip.

[Your blood pressure just went up.]

(Filling in an illegal activity doesn't seem to have any affect, as far as can tell.)

quote:

>give slip to teller
She takes the deposit slip and asks you for the cheque or money.

>give cheque to teller
"Please show me some ID."

>show passport to teller
The bank teller looks at your passport. She says (while returning your cheque), "I'd need another $150.00 to complete this transaction. Perhaps you should try the withdrawal window. Have a nice day."

Wait, what? I'm handing her a deposit slip for $75.00, and a cheque for -$75.00 - oh, I get it. After the cheque, I'd have to give her another $75.00 just to break even, so to match the slip I'd need $150.00 plus the negative cheque. Whew.

Ok, we'll try her suggestion and go to the withdrawal window. In fact, what if we take her literally and hand the deposit slip to the withdrawal window? Maybe that'll compensate for the fact that the amount on the cheque's reversed!

quote:

>ask teller for slip
The teller at the window says, "Do you wish to make a deposit?"

>>y
"Here is a deposit slip," she says as she hands you one.

>fill out slip

code:

Yeah, yeah, you've seen this twice already.

You have now filled out the slip.

[Your blood pressure just went up.]

>w
Teller #4

THIS WINDOW FOR CHECK CASHING ONLY.

The teller at the window says, "Do you wish to cash a check?"

>>n
The bank teller instructs you to go to window 5.

>w
Teller #3

NEXT WINDOW PLEASE.

>w
Teller #2

THIS WINDOW FOR WITHDRAWALS ONLY.

The teller at the window says, "Do you wish to make a withdrawal?"

>>y
"Here is a withdrawal slip," she says as she hands you one.

>give deposit slip to teller
The bank teller looks at the deposit slip and says, "If you planned on depositing a negative check here, you've got the right idea but I can't really help you."

Woo! Somebody said something helpful!

...it must be a trap.

quote:

>fill out withdrawal slip

code:

Last name: HUXLEY
First name: PHILABOY
Middle initial: Q
Amount of withdrawal: $ 75.00
For illegal activity? (y/n): N
If yes, which one: [no value]

You have now filled out the slip.

[Your blood pressure just went up.]

>give withdrawal slip to teller
"May I see some ID please."

>show passport to teller
The bank teller looks at your passport. She says, "I'm afraid you have only $10.00 in your account. That is insufficient to cover your withdrawal. Have a nice day."

[Your blood pressure just went up.]

But... but... she didn't even ask to see the cheque!

I've been dealing with this insanity for so long I actually forgot that that's not how withdrawals work.

Ok, so there's just one last thing to try:

quote:

>ask teller for slip
The teller at the window says, "Do you wish to make a withdrawal?"

>>y
"Here is a withdrawal slip," she says as she hands you one.

>fill out withdrawal slip

code:

Same thing again.

You have now filled out the slip.

[Your blood pressure just went up.]

>e
Teller #3

NEXT WINDOW PLEASE.

Unfortunately, the bank has closed. You are whisked out of the bank with an efficiency that the bank obviously never applies to approving mortgages or clearing out-of-state cheques.

109 35th

God willing, our next trip in there will be our last.

quote:

>n
As you enter, you hear an announcement say, "WARNING: The bank will close in 23 minutes."

Bank

>n
Teller #5

THIS WINDOW FOR DEPOSITS ONLY.

>give withdrawal slip to teller
She takes the withdrawal slip and asks you for the cheque or money.

>give cheque to teller
"Please show me some ID."

>show passport to teller
The bank teller looks at your passport. She says, "Let's see, you are depositing -$75 using a withdrawal slip. Since a withdrawal slip is the negative of a deposit slip, negative of -$75 is $75. It all makes perfect sense. Your new balance is $85.00. Have a nice day."

It makes no sense at all, but for once it makes no sense IN MY FAVOUR. Let's get that money out of their claws before they notice that they're insane and freeze my account or something.

>w
Teller #4

THIS WINDOW FOR CHECK CASHING ONLY.

For some reason the tellers didn't reset this time - they're all in the same order and they don't ask me what I want to do each time I pass them. No idea why, but it's convenient.

quote:

>w
Teller #3

NEXT WINDOW PLEASE.

>w
Teller #2

THIS WINDOW FOR WITHDRAWALS ONLY.

>ask teller for slip
The teller at the window says, "Do you wish to make a withdrawal?"

>>y
"Here is a withdrawal slip," she says as she hands you one.

>fill out slip

code:

I'm getting fucking sick of this.

You have now filled out the slip.

[Your blood pressure just went up.]

>give slip to teller
"May I see some ID please."

>show passport to teller
The bank teller looks at your passport. She hands you your money and says, "Your new balance is $10.00. Have a nice day."

[Your blood pressure just went up.]

[Your score just went up.]

Why did that make me angry? I got my money! I GOT MY MONEY!

...and I even have some left over. I forgot about that. Why don't I take the other $10.00 out, too?

quote:

>put money in wallet
[Taking the wallet first]

You put $75.00 in the wallet.

>ask teller for slip
The teller at the window says, "Do you wish to make a withdrawal?"

code:
Get to the point already.

The bank teller looks at your passport. She says, "You have only $10.00 in your account. That withdrawal would put your balance below the minimum balance of $10. Have a nice day."

[Your blood pressure just went up.]

My blood pressure is now dangerously high. Time to get the hell out of here.

quote:

>s
Bank

>s
109 35th

>s
110 35th

>s
111 35th

The snivelling, ratty and ineffectual nerd stumbles into view again. "There you are!" he whines. "I've got something I know you'll want. A set of rare hackers' log-file disks! Only 76 bucks!"

>w
"Hey! Wait!" cries the nerd. "Would you like to go out with me?"

Front Room

>w
Back Room

You're in the back room of your new house, another nice room, at present suitable for lining with latex padding and bouncing off the walls, but likely to be pretty impressive and upwardly mobile once the removals men have sorted out their little problem. The exit leads east to the living room.

You see a table and a combination telephone/answering machine here.

Ah... home. Sweet home. I'll never leave you again.

Actually, no, the whole point of this was to get my money so I could head out on vacation. That's why I'm in the room with the telephone - so I can call a cab to take me to the airport. And then leave this nuthouse behind, and head for Paris, which is sure to be an island of sanity. Right? Right?

I'm sure getting to the airport won't be hard at all.

 Actually, getting to the airport ISN'T hard at all. It's startling. 

quote:

Intellectuals, nerds and geniuses can't be expected to keep track of
everything. How often have you been walking down the street thinking about
tensor calculus when Bang! over you go? Now miracle microtechnology has the
answer. Just clip the tooth meter to your lip and it keeps a running total
of your tooth-count in nonvolatile RAM. So next time you bite the sidewalk,
Bing! the tooth meter will instantly give you a "read-out" of how many teeth
you have lost. Also works for spectacle lenses.