Part 7
Sorry about the delay - everybody I know has a birthday this week (seriously, I know 5 people with birthdays in the first week of February, including me) so I had a lot of parties to plan and go to.But now at least I can continue. Let's do 112 first:
Occasionally the game directly contradicts itself like this. Sloppy.quote:
>n
112 35th
You're standing west of a mansion; its rather ornate door is closed. The road continues north and south.
You can hear "I Write the Songs," with the lyrics mercifully mixed out playing in the mansion.
>look at door
It's a fairly dull door with a fairly interesting doorbell.
>look at doorbell
You see nothing extraordinary about the doorbell.
Gawd, hurry up!quote:
>ring it
When you push the doorbell you hear an earsplitting clatter of bells, buzzers and gongs that shakes the mansion to its foundation.
Nothing happens for a moment. Then an old woman's voice, deep within the mansion, cries "Coming, Cecil!"
You hear footsteps behind the front door.
C'mon, c'mon!quote:
>knock on door
There's no answer, but then the door's pretty thick. You have something in common with the door. Perhaps you should try the doorbell.
You hear somebody unlocking the front door.
Ok, fine - I'll use the back door.quote:
>ring doorbell
When you push the doorbell you hear an earsplitting clatter of bells, buzzers and gongs that shakes the mansion to its foundation.
"Patience, Cecil! Patience!" scolds the voice beyond the front door.
The front door creaks open, and an old matron appears at the threshold.
>matron, hello
The matron is too deaf to hear anything you say, and too bigoted to understand it even if she could, which she can't.
>look at matron
You can't see anything special about the matron.
The matron pauses at the threshold and looks around suspiciously.
>yell at matron
It isn't likely that the matron would respond.
The matron steps back into the mansion and swings the front door shut.
Ok, we need to get rid of the macaw before we can get the mail. Aren't birds supposed to fall asleep if you cover their cage? Maybe we have a blanket or something we can throw over it...quote:
>n
111 35th
>e
Alley
>s
You squeeze yourself through the gap.
Behind Mansion
You're in the back garden of a mansion. You can enter the house through a door to the west, and there's a gap in the fence to the north.
A recording of "Boogie Oogie Oogie," with the lyrics mercifully mixed out is playing in the mansion.
>w
The screen door is closed.
>open door
You open the screen door.
The radio in the mansion begins to play "Leader of the Pack," with a disco beat.
>w
Porch
Welcome to the porch. It is a porch. Doors from this porch lead south and east. The overall effect is rather porchy.
A recording of "Surfin' USA," with the lyrics mercifully mixed out is playing in the mansion.
A macaw with a missing left wing is watching you from a perch in the corner. Under the perch you see some mail.
>look at macaw
The macaw stares back at you, then bellows, "Nuke the whales! Nuke the whales!"
>look at perch
A bellicose and physically challenged macaw is sitting on the perch. Underneath it, you see some mail.
The macaw roars defiance at you. "Death to the communist dogs!"
>look at mail
You'll have to pick it up first.
>get mail
As you reach towards the mail, the macaw yells obscenely and drives you back.
The macaw lets off an obscene whistle. "Let's lob one into the men's room of the Kremlin!"
Ok, trying to make it fly away seems useless. Let's see what's in the rest of the house.quote:
>i
You're holding a Popular Paranoia magazine, a leaflet, a Beezer card, a US Excess card and a wallet. You're wearing a digital wristwatch. Your pocket is empty.
>cover perch with magazine
The macaw nearly takes your hand off with its sharp beak. You give up.
>shake perch
The perch is firmly attached to the floor.
>hit macaw
Yes, well, let's try to be non-judgemental about this. On the one hand, hurting the macaw would be really rewarding, but on the other hand Infocom retain a team of killer lawyers with pointed heads and squinty eyes who would take great pleasure in suing you till your pips squeaked for damaging their property.
>macaw, shoo
[The word "shoo" hasn't been approved for use in this story.]
[Your blood pressure just went up.]
The old lady's deaf - we'll have to get rid of some of the noise if we want to negotiate with her.quote:
>s
Trophy Room
This is the trophy room. You'd expect to see defunct lions, or at least school debating awards, but don't. The reason why is a technical secret. Exits lead north and west.
A recording of "Torn Between Two Lovers," performed on common household appliances is playing in the mansion.
A dowdy matron is sitting beside the radio. Her ear trumpet is pressed directly against the radio's speaker. She has an elephant gun on her lap.
A painting of Mikhail S. Gorbachev is hanging on the wall.
As you walk into the room the matron peers balefully in your direction and raises the elephant gun. "Robbers!"
... or not.quote:
>turn off radio
You couldn't turn that off.
You assume one of three things must be true: the matron is too old to actually shoot you with the elephant gun, you are fast enough to get out of her way in time or this is all a bad dream. However, the bullet you receive right between the eyes convinces you that you were unfortunately wrong on all three counts.
Death
You are dead.
[Your blood pressure is 0/0, in 166 moves. Your status is Defunct. Your score is 2 out of a possible 21, making you a Victim.]
Do you want to RESTORE a previously saved position, RESTART from the beginning, or QUIT?
[Type RESTORE, RESTART or QUIT.] >restore
Ok, I see how this works. Starting back from the porch:
Now if I don't dawdle I should have time to get back around to the other entrance...quote:
Porch
>e
Behind Mansion
>n
You squeeze through the gap.
Alley
>w
111 35th
>s
112 35th
>ring doorbell
When you push the doorbell you hear an earsplitting clatter of bells, buzzers and gongs that shakes the mansion to its foundation.
Nothing happens for a moment. Then an old woman's voice, deep within the mansion, cries "Coming, Cecil!"
You hear footsteps behind the front door.
...and steal her elephant gun!quote:
>n
111 35th
>e
Alley
>s
You squeeze yourself through the gap.
Behind Mansion
>w
Porch
>s
Trophy Room
This is the trophy room. You'd expect to see defunct lions, or at least school debating awards, but don't. The reason why is a technical secret. Exits lead north and west.
You can hear "You Are So Beautiful," murdered by Lionel Richie playing in the mansion.
A dowdy matron is standing in the open doorway, holding an ear trumpet and an elephant gun. Luckily, she's facing away from you at the moment.
A painting of Mikhail S. Gorbachev is hanging on the wall.
The matron is beginning to lock the front door.
Oops, that didn't work, and time's running out - lets just grab whatever's not nailed down and bugger off.quote:
>mug matron
[You must have special permission to use the word "mug" in this story.]
[Your blood pressure just went up.]
>attack matron
Attacking the matron isn't likely to help matters.
You hear the final clicks of the front door being locked.
All that in service of a terrible pun - the bird had no "left wing". Get it?quote:
>get painting
You pick up the painting of Mikhail S. Gorbachev.
The matron turns away from the front door, squints in your direction and instantly raises the elephant gun. "Robbers!"
>out
Porch
>look at painting
Mikhail S. Gorbachev stares back at you with cool authority.
The macaw looks at you with one eye, then the other.
>show it to macaw
The macaw is clearly deeply moved by the sight of the painting of Mikhail S. Gorbachev, and starts shrieking a vigorous and relentless R&B number about the joys of political extremism. At the same time it launches into an energetic roach-stomping flamenco dance which miraculously generates enough aerodynamic lift to catapult it (somewhat asymmetrically) into the air, where it rips up Gorbachev's face (which, to be honest, makes little real difference).
Exhausted but happy, it sinks back to its perch, croons repulsively the first verse of a ballad about pecking the eyes out of oppressors of the Russian people, and falls into a satisfied coma.
The radio in the next room begins to play "Torn Between Two Lovers," backed by an angelic chorus.
And that's the mansion done. Tomorrow: the paranoid!quote:
>get mail
The macaw, apparently exhausted by the ferocity of its attack on the painting, doesn't seem to notice you.
Most of the mail is rather useless, not even worth picking up. You do find a flyer, though.
[Your score just went up.]
The macaw groans defiance at you. "Today the Falklands, tomorrow the rest of the empire."
>read flyer
This is a sweepstakes flyer ("You may already have won $1,000,000.00!!!"), addressed to 113 35th. There's also one of those cute little orange Postal Service stickers, with a D printed on it.
The macaw lets off an obscene squeak. "Kill the fascist pinko neo-Nazi red Social Democrats."