Part 8
I said today we'd do the paranoid, didn't I? Well, I lied - first we have to get some stuff from our house, which we conveniently forgot to explore.That's a lot of stuff. Let's check it out!quote:
Front Room
This is the living room of your new house, a pretty nice room, actually. At least, it will be when all your stuff has arrived as the removals company said they would have done yesterday and now say they will do while you're on vacation. At the moment, however, it's a bit dull. Plain white, no carpets, no curtains, no furniture. A room to go bughouse in, really. Another room is visible to the west, and an open front door leads outside.
>w
Back Room
You're in the back room of your new house, another nice room, at present suitable for lining with latex padding and bouncing off the walls, but likely to be pretty impressive and upwardly mobile once the removals men have sorted out their little problem. The exit leads east to the living room.
You see a combination telephone/answering machine and a table here. On the table you see a hacksaw, an address book, a small case, your Boysenberry computer, a letter and your passport.
You can read the letter by downloading the manual. It basically says to show it to a travel agent to get your plane tickets to Paris.quote:
>look at passport
You flip open your passport, glance to make sure your French visa is still readable, shudder at the picture, wonder if you really look like a dead llama, and close the book.
>get it
You take your passport off the table.
>look at letter
This is the same letter included (at the last minute and at great expense) in your Bureaucracy package.
>get it
You take the letter off the table.
I never noticed until this playthrough that it was a laptop, so we can take it with us.quote:
>look at computer
This is the remarkable Boysenberry laptop computer, made by a subsidiary of your old employers, the Deep Thought Corporation of America. There are no operating controls of any sort, not even an on/off switch. All you see are a tiny screen, a keyboard, a modular jack and a slot for program cartridges.
[The word "Boysenberry," and the symbol of a partially digested purple berry, are trademarks of the Boysenberry Business Engines Corporation.]
>get it
You take your Boysenberry computer off the table.
Ooh, an adventure game! Maybe it'll be better than this one.quote:
>look at screen
The screen of your Boysenberry computer is blank.
>look at keyboard
It's just a keyboard. What did you expect? Dancing girls?
>look at case
It looks as if the small case is closed.
>open it
You open the small case.
You see an adventure game cartridge and an eclipse predicting cartridge inside.
I bet that's helpful at some point. Right now it's just gibberish.quote:
>get game
You take the adventure game cartridge out of the small case.
>put it in slot
The adventure game cartridge slips into your Boysenberry computer with a thrilling little click...
BCDOS 1.0
All diagnostics completed
Press any key to boot...
[BBE ADVENTURES PRESENT "DORK I"
West of House
You are standing in an open field
west of a white house, with a
boarded front door.
There is a mailbox here.
INTERNAL ERROR 69105.....]
Your screen goes blank.
>get game. put it in case
You take the adventure game cartridge out of your Boysenberry computer.
You put the adventure game cartridge in the small case.
>get eclipse. put it in slot
[the eclipse predicting cartridge]
You take the eclipse predicting cartridge out of the small case.
The eclipse predicting cartridge slips into your Boysenberry computer with a thrilling little click...
BCDOS 1.0
All diagnostics completed
Press any key to boot...
[Boysenberry Eclipse Predictor V6.9
Nearest eclipse: Yesterday
Totality at: 12:37PM
Prime viewing location: Zalagasa
Next eclipse: 2/7/98]
Your screen goes blank.
"Peter" and "Jiyeszika" were the ex-boyfriends (girlfriends?) whose names we entered at the beginning, remember. A bunch of the other numbers look helpful - we can call our bank and try to get better service that way, or call our boss and bitch about our cheque not arriving, or something. As long as we're here, let's call them.quote:
>get eclipse. put it in case. close case
[the eclipse predicting cartridge]
You take the eclipse predicting cartridge out of your Boysenberry computer.
You put the eclipse predicting cartridge in the small case.
You close the small case.
>get book
You take the address book off the table.
>read it
On opening the address book, you find that in common with many loose-leaf address books, most of the pages are loose and have fallen out. There are only two or three left. Most of these are stuck together with jam, chewing gum or an unpleasant combination of both.
Which page do you want to read, the first page, the middle page, or the last page?
>first
This page is labelled NAME AND ADDRESS OF OWNER. In your own handwriting you see
Philaboy Q. Huxley
5 Hippo Vista
Rhinoceros, NJ 81818
996-2441
which has been crossed out (aren't you glad you moved?). Under that you've written
Philaboy Q. Huxley
111 35th
Buttcrackistan, AK 55555
351-7271
There's also a notice on this page which says, "If lost, please return this address book to the owner at the above address. $25 reward."
>read middle page
This page offers some personal numbers and two of your bank's addresses.
Peter
708-3742
Jiyeszika
709-9688
Fillmore Fiduciary Trust
14 West Wildebeest Street
Rhinoceros, NJ 81818
997-0878
and
Fillmore Fiduciary Trust
108 35th
Buttcrackistan, AK 55555
704-5498
>read last page
Only two entries are legible on this page.
Mr Ollie Fassbaum, Manager
The Happitec Corporation
17 Okapi Plaza
Buttcrackistan, AK 55555
705-5533
and
Getlost Airport Cab
706-9251
On second thought, let's check our messages first.quote:
>look at phone
There are certain answering machines which exert a malign influence. They attract rude and inexplicable messages. They intimidate at least 30 per cent of callers, so that half the time you get just an irritating "click" and your blood pressure goes up. This is one of those machines. It has a button marked Playback messages.
So, the bank sent our change of address form to our old address, and this guy just called to say he returned it to them. If I can get them to admit that, maybe they'll send me another one!quote:
>push button
--- Type any character for next msg ---
You hear click followed by a dialling tone.
[Your blood pressure just went up.]
--- Type any character for next msg ---
The machine says: "Jones here. I'm the new tenant of your old house. There's a whole bunch of mail been arriving here for you. Urgent stuff from the Fillmore Fiduciary Trust. You know what I thought? I thought 'Do the right thing, Jones. Forward the guy's mail.' Then I found out about the termites. Then I found out about the nightly roach-dance. So I thought 'Rats.' I've returned your mail to your bank. Sort it out yourself."
--- Type any character for next msg ---
You hear click followed by a dialling tone.
[Your blood pressure just went up.]
--- Type any character for next msg ---
You hear click followed by a dialling tone.
[Your blood pressure just went up.]
--- Type any character for next msg ---
The machine says: "Hi there! Mr Barty Slartfast? Boysenberry Users' Group here. Just a reminder about our next meeting. We've got this insanely great adventure in, it comes in this blue box and, well, you're an income tax inspector and you're on this, uh, bridge, and, um... well, tell you about it at the meeting tomorrow evening at... hello? Hello?"
--- Type any character for next msg ---
The machine says: "You have won $25,000! Oops, you're not home, are you? Oh well, too bad. I'll call the alternate winner."
--- Type any character for next msg ---
You hear click followed by a dialling tone.
[Your blood pressure just went up.]
--- Type any character for next msg ---
You hear click followed by a dialling tone.
[Your blood pressure just went up.]
--- Type any character for next msg ---
The machine says: "Look, just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get me."
But first, if we call our old number, we can talk to the guy directly and maybe get some more details we can use to persuade the bank...
Or not.quote:
>dial 996-2441
Someone answers the phone but you can't tell who it is because of the noise of raucous shouting, chinking glasses and laughter. In the background, you hear someone cry "Hey! Remember how dull this place was when old Philaboy Huxley lived here?" and then the line goes dead.
Ah, hell, let's just go through these numbers in order...
Nods? Over the phone?quote:
>dial 351-7271
Not surprisingly, the line is busy.
>dial 708-3742
"Hi! You have reached Peter and Tiffany. Sorry we can't take your call, but we're on the yacht right now. Leave your message and we'll get right back to you. Unless it's Philaboy Huxley. If it's Philaboy Huxley, bug off. Just leave us alone, okay? Thank you for calling. Have a good day! (Except Philaboy Huxley.)"
>dial 709-9688
"Hi! This is Jiyeszika! You have reached my old number. Everyone knows my new number except Philaboy Huxley. Hi, Philaboy. I've left you. It's all over. I tried to write, but you didn't reply. I expect you'll come up with some flaky line about your mail being misdelivered. That's typical of you, Philaboy. If you think about it, you'll understand."
>dial 997-0878
After a few seconds you're connected. A woman says, "Good afternoon, and thank you for calling the Fillmore Fiduciary Trust Bank, Rhinoceros Branch. Please hold."
[Your blood pressure just went up.]
The bank plays you "Afternoon Delight," performed by 101 guitars.
>hold
Fortunately, there's no hold button on this phone.
The bank plays you the theme song to "Mister Ed," hummed backwards by Billy Graham.
>z
Time passes.
A squeaky cartoon voice interrupts Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass doing a Sex Pistols medley. "Thank you for waiting. My name is Bongo, the Bank Dog. Ruff ruff ruff!"
>hello bongo
Bongo nods politely.
"Yap yap yap!" says Bongo.
Oh well, now that we've got through, let's get down to business:
Unbelievable.quote:
>ask bongo about change of address form
Bongo says, "You'll have to pardon me, there seems to be a cat in the bank." You hear the screech of a cat, the scream of an old woman, several very fragile things being knocked off shelves, another screech from the cat, then someone yelling, "Bad dog! Bad! Bad!" Finally Bongo returns, panting, "Hello, this is Bongo. Sorry, I forgot what we were talking about. Please call back."
Click! You hear a dialling tone, and hang up.
[Your blood pressure just went up.]
This game is truly a most realistic simulation of dealing with a goddamned bank. Why did I think this would be fun again?quote:
>dial 997-0878
After a few seconds you're connected. A woman says, "Good afternoon, and thank you for calling the Fillmore Fiduciary Trust Bank, Rhinoceros Branch. Please hold."
[Your blood pressure just went up.]
The bank plays you the theme song to "Mister Ed," hummed backwards by Billy Graham.
>z
Time passes.
The bank plays you "Tie a Yellow Ribbon 'Round the Old Oak Tree," with 101 strings.
>z
Time passes.
The bank plays you "My Way," performed by 101 guitars.
>z
Time passes.
The bank plays you "Torn Between Two Lovers," backed by a bassoon-and-triangle duet.
>z
Time passes.
The bank plays you "My Way," performed a capella by Tony Orlando and Dawn.
>z
Time passes.
A high, raspy voice interrupts "I Write the Songs," backed by a bassoon-and- triangle duet. "Thank you for waiting. My name is Pongo, the Bank Parrot. How may I help you?"
>ask pongo about change of address form
"You can obtain any forms you need at your local branch of Fillmore Fiduciary."
[Your blood pressure just went up.]
>ask pongo about returned mail
[The word "returned" hasn't been approved for use in this story.]
[Your blood pressure just went up.]
>ask pongo about mail
"Squawk! Pongo want a dollar!"
>ask pongo about local branch
[You must have special permission to use the word "local" in this story.]
[Your blood pressure just went up.]
>ask pongo about bank
"Squawk! Pongo want a dollar!"
>pongo, fuck you
This is a delicate, sensitive, well-brought-up game which does not recognise the word... well, whatever it was you just said that we do not recognise. What would Miss Manners say? Who the fuck do you think you are, anyway? Please use another, nice word instead.
[Your blood pressure just went up.]
>hang up
You hang up the combination telephone/answering machine.
...let's try the local branch.
But you ARE my local... oh, fuck it.quote:
>dial 704-5498
After a few seconds you're connected. A woman says, "Good afternoon, and thank you for calling the Fillmore Fiduciary Trust Bank, Buttcrackistan Branch. Please hold."
[Your blood pressure just went up.]
The bank plays you "The Girl From Ipanema," with lots of strings.
>z
Time passes.
A high, raspy voice interrupts the theme from Shaft. "Thank you for waiting. My name is Pongo, the Bank Parrot. How may I help you?"
>ask pongo about change of address form
"You can obtain any forms you need at your local branch of Fillmore Fiduciary."
[Your blood pressure just went up.]
Whoops. Now it's not gonna let us get away without calling a cab, and I don't wanna leave just yet. Oh, well, into the breach:quote:
>hang up
You hang up the combination telephone/answering machine.
>dial 705-5533
You get through to Ollie Fassbaum's secretary who tells you: "Mr Fassbaum says he's out," and hangs up.
>dial 706-9251
After a few rings a man answers. "Getlost Airport Cab. Last name of passenger please."
>>
Ok, we listened to the answering machine, called every number we could - nothing else to do here. Let's head on down to the paranoid's house.quote:
>>huxley
"Ok, lady, where do you wanna go?"
>>nowhere
"Hmm. Is that on the way to the airport?"
>>no
The man sounds a bit doubtful. He says, "See, the airport's our specialty. We like to go to the airport if at all possible. Well, look, I'll see what we can do. What's the name of your street?"
>>35th
"Street number?"
>>111
"Okay. Lemme put you on hold for a minute while I see what we got in your area."
Click!
[Your blood pressure just went up.]
The cab company plays you something icky by John Denver.
>hang up
You hang up the combination telephone/answering machine.
...no, wait - crap. There was one more item in there.quote:
>e
Front Room
>e
111 35th
Wow, thanks. How timely.quote:
>w
You hear the tail end of a message on your answering machine.
Front Room
>w
Back Room
>push button
--- Type any character for next msg ---
The machine says: "This is Fillmore Fiduciary. We haven't received your change-of-address form yet, so we can't send your bank statement. We thought you'd like to know that you're overdrawn."
We were only out of the room for a minute! Didn't even spend a full turn outside the house!quote:
--- Type any character for next msg ---
You hear click followed by a dialling tone.
[Your blood pressure just went up.]
...hmm, I wonder how many more times that'll happen?
I guess that's the end of that. Now to get the item we came here for in the first place...quote:
>e
Front Room
>e
111 35th
>w
You hear the tail end of a message on your answering machine.
Front Room
>w
Back Room
>push button
--- Type any character for next msg ---
The machine says: "Hi, it's Peter. Tiffany and I are getting married, and you're invited if you promise to stay sober. And none of that terrible stuff with reptiles, either. And Mother says 'Please do not bring the skunk.'"
--- Type any character for next msg ---
You hear click followed by a dialling tone.
[Your blood pressure just went up.]
>e
Front Room
>e
111 35th
>w
You hear the tail end of a message on your answering machine.
Front Room
>w
Back Room
>push button
--- Type any character for next msg ---
You hear click followed by a dialling tone.
[Your blood pressure just went up.]
--- Type any character for next msg ---
The machine says: "This is your former friend Jiyeszika. My new girlfriend and I are off to Paris for some R&R. Don't try to get us to bail you out when you land in the slammer there."
--- Type any character for next msg ---
The machine says: "I think you ought to know that I'm falling in love with your answering machine. It's the only thing that'll talk to me these days."
>e
Front Room
>e
111 35th
>w
Front Room
>w
Back Room
>push button
You have no messages.
...and NOW it's off to the paranoid's.quote:
>look at hacksaw
You see nothing unusual about the hacksaw.
>take it
You take the hacksaw off the table.