Part 9
Heading south on our way to the paranoid's bunker, we notice something strange...Remember when we were first here, a carful of seedy looking criminals rolled past and cased the joint? Looks like they've struck. Lets take this opportunity to see if they've left anything valuable.quote:
>s
113 35th
A modest, ochre-and-aubergine striped llama-farm farmhouse stands to the west, its front door wide open. The street continues north and south.
A llama is chomping happily on her treats in a pen at the side of the road. A mailbox is attached to the front of the pen.
There's a notice here.
Woah - that was odd. Wait, didn't the paranoid ask us for a password when we tried to get in his gate? I bet the weirdo was waiting for us to give the same recognition signal. Let's restore:quote:
>w
Farmhouse
You're in the ochre-and-aubergine llama-farm farmhouse. The place has obviously been ransacked. The exit is to the east.
>search room
You can't see anything unusual.
A stranger bearing a really rather horrid resemblance to Woody Allen appears in the open doorway. He is carrying a colossal armoury for one so runty, and his general twitchiness doesn't help you feel any more secure. Guns, knives, hatchets and bombs dangle from various straps, belts and D-loops. For some reason, he makes you feel nervous. He peers around the room uncertainly, then turns to stare at you. "Ahem," he says, shuffling his feet expectantly.
>look at stranger
A wild-eyed, twitching oddity looking a bit like a heavily-armed Woody Allen is standing in the open doorway, holding a small armoury of weapons which hefingers nervously, each in its turn.
The weirdo looks as if he is expecting you to say something.
Utterly nonplussed, the weirdo glances at the number on the front door. "Oh,dear," he giggles, blushing. "Wrong address. Never mind."
You watch as he ducks out the front door and closes it behind him.
Now, what was that passphrase again?quote:
A stranger bearing a really rather horrid resemblance to Woody Allen appears in the open doorway. He is carrying a colossal armoury for one so runty, and his general twitchiness doesn't help you feel any more secure. Guns, knives, hatchets and bombs dangle from various straps, belts and D-loops. For some reason, he makes you feel nervous. He peers around the room uncertainly, then turns to stare at you. "Ahem," he says, shuffling his feet expectantly.
>
And now... a copy protection puzzle. All the answers to the following questions are in the Popular Paranoia magazine we fished out of the llama trough - which you can find in the manual. The answers to the copy-protection questions are helpfully bolded.quote:
>say "do you have stairs in your house?"
Quite rightly, the weirdo ignores you.
>say "unfortunately, there's a radio connected to my brain"
The weirdo consults some notes written on his shirt cuff and shows a look of understanding.
>z
Time passes.
The weirdo looks you straight in the eye and says, "Actually, it's the BBC controlling us from London."
>thank weirdo
There's no need to thank the weirdo.
Utterly nonplussed, the weirdo glances at the number on the front door. "Oh, dear," he giggles, blushing. "Wrong address. Never mind." But then he mutters, "Can't trust anyone these days!"
You watch as he ducks out the front door and closes it behind him.
>open door
You open the front door.
>e
113 35th
>s
114 35th
You're at a dead end. A camouflaged and heavily fortified house stands to the south. You'd expect things like a moat and drawbridge, but you can't see them from here. There is a gate of the impenetrable sort; who knows what delights lie behind it? The street leads north.
The short hairs standing up on the back of your neck tell you that either (a) a goose has just walked over your grave or (b) some paranoid individual is spying on you through an extremely well-hidden camera.
>look at gate
It's an impenetrable closed gate.
A gruff voice crackles to life on the intercom. "Unfortunately, there's a radio connected to my brain."
>say "actually, it's the bbc controlling us from london"
You hear an electric snap as the intercom is switched off.
Nothing happens for a long moment. Then various rumbles and clatters herald the house letting down its defences, one by one. Finally, the gate swings open.
>s
Foyer
You're in the foyer of the camouflaged house. You could try to exit to the north. There is a stairway leading down. The sophisticated communications and security centre that this place obviously possesses must be hidden somewhere else, rather like the camera.
The twitching weirdo is here. He obviously arrived before you.
The completely, utterly paranoid owner of this house is here. He is also twitching nervously, and holding a machine gun. You are surprised that there are so many heavily-armed Woody Allens in this neighbourhood. He looks you up and down suspiciously. You get the distinct impression that touching the mail you see here would be very unwise.
...except for this one.quote:
The paranoid householder stares first at you, then at the weirdo, with growing confusion and disbelief. He starts to say something, then stops. He then stops starting to say it and starts. "How come...", he says. Then he stops again. He clearly believes that this whole thing is part of his paranoia, and then, equally clearly, decides that it doesn't matter.
"Right. One of you is an impostor. I'm pretty sure that it's you, Huxley, but, to be sure, I'm going to grill... going to ask you a few simple questions. Right."
"Where is the centre of communist insurgency in the United States?"
>>
Hey, I guess we got it! This one's easy:quote:
>>buttcrackistan
"Are you sure?"
>>no
"Where is the centre of communist insurgency in the United States?"
>>fark.com
"How do THEY learn so much about you?"
>>
Dammit. Restore. This time we get all-new questions:quote:
>>garbage
"What device is used by the banks to keep track of the whereabouts of American citizens?"
>>automatic teller machines
The paranoid says, "You are obviously an impostor. I'm afraid we can't allowyou to live, since you've learned too much."
The paranoid and the weirdo spend a few minutes sharpening their numerous knives on you, as an example to others, then (rather mercifully, in our opinion) shoot you.
Death
You are dead.
[Your blood pressure is 0/0, in 283 moves. Your status is Defunct. Your score is 3 out of a possible 21, making you a Victim.]
Do you want to RESTORE a previously saved position, RESTART from the beginning, or QUIT?
[Type RESTORE, RESTART or QUIT.] >
I always thought "gaol" was old-timey for "jail", but apparently it's just British.quote:
"The existence of which one of the fifty states of the union is a fiction invented by the Trilateral Commission for its own nefarious purposes?"
>>delaware
"What left-wing organisation foiled the coup d'etat directly after the assassination of John F. Kennedy, leading to decades of crypto-communist government in America?"
>>nfl
"What are the Mexicans unleashing on the United States for refusing to grantMexico a major-league baseball franchise?"
>>killer bees
"What is the breeding ground for most major diseases?"
>>yogurt
"What chemical is the international health conspiracy using to destroy our valuable body fat?"
>>aspartame
The paranoid says, "You passed the test. This means that either one of you could be the impostor." He presses a button on the wall, and a trap door opens in the floor. Both you and the stranger fall into a gaol below.
Gaol
You're in a gaol cell in the basement of the paranoid's house. To the north is an exit into the basement. The gaol door is closed. You can see a stairway in the basement leading up.
A wild-eyed, twitching oddity looking a bit like a heavily-armed Woody Allen is standing nearby, holding a small armoury of weapons which he fingers nervously, each in its turn.
So... how do we get our of here?
Wait - we have a hacksaw!quote:
>look at door
It's a perfectly ordinary gaol door with perfectly ordinary high-tensile chrome molybdenum bars welded firmly into place.
>shake bars
Shaking the gaol door is not permitted in this story without prior written consent, in triplicate, from Infocom, Inc.
>pull bars
Pulling on the gaol door is a violation of the Cambridge Convention, which prohibits it in humourous games.
>hit bars
Attacking the gaol door isn't likely to help matters.
How do I make the damn generator go? Oh, wait - I forgot the #1 rule of adventure games - look at everything.quote:
>cut bars
[with the hacksaw]
It would take you forever to saw through the bars in the door with that. The weirdo observes your futile efforts to saw through the bars. He says, "What a great idea! Perhaps this will help." He hands you a Swiss army knifefrom his pocket.
>look at knife
This is one of those multi-function Swiss army knives. It appears to have all of the usual blades, screwdrivers, bottle openers, hair dryers and food processors one associates with such devices. In addition, there's a button marked POWER SAW and a lever marked GENERATOR.
>cut bars with knife
You couldn't possibly cut the gaol door with the Swiss army knife.
>push power saw button
The Swiss army knife ejects a power saw.
>look at power saw
This is an electric power saw, with a bizarre plug that won't fit standard household outlets.
>pull generator lever
The Swiss army knife ejects a portable foot-powered generator.
>attack power saw to generator
[Please try to express that another way.]
[Your blood pressure just went up.]
>attach power saw to generator
You plug the power saw into the portable foot-powered generator.
>step on generator
That would be pointless.
>push generator
Pushing around the portable foot-powered generator cannot be allowed until your bank acknowledges your change-of-address form.
>pump generator
[The word "pump" hasn't been approved for use in this story.]
[Your blood pressure just went up.]
>scream
You begin to get a sore throat.
And I was picturing a foot pump. We're powering a chainsaw, not blowing up an air mattress! Let's get to work.quote:
>look at generator
The portable foot-powered generator resembles an exercise bicycle except that the mechanism is such that using it not only provides exercise but alsoproduces electricity. It was invented by Martin Moeller. Martin never had the willpower to exercise and he loved watching television. He invented the foot-powered generator and connected his television to it. This way he couldn't watch TV without exercising.
Freedom!quote:
>ride generator
You sit on the portable foot-powered generator and start pedalling.
>get power saw
You find you can run the power saw but the logistics are such that you can'tcut the door and run the portable foot-powered generator.
>give the saw to the weirdo
The weirdo starts the saw, cuts the door open and drops the power saw. You get off the portable foot-powered generator.
>get all
The power saw: You're holding too much already.
The portable foot-powered generator: Actually, "portable" has to be taken with a grain of salt. The portable foot-powered generator is too heavy.
>out
Basement
This is the basement of the paranoid's house. At the south end of the basement is a gaol. The gaol door is open. A stairway leads up.
The weirdo follows you.
Somehow that doesn't seem good...quote:
>up
Foyer
You're in the foyer of the camouflaged house. You could try to exit to the north. There is a stairway leading down. The sophisticated communications and security centre that this place obviously possesses must be hidden somewhere else, rather like the camera.
The completely, utterly paranoid owner of this house is here. He does not look pleased.
There's some mail here.
The weirdo follows you.
>take mail
As the paranoid points his machine gun at you, you decide not to take it.
[Your blood pressure just went up.]
The weirdo runs away leaving you and the paranoid alone.
Yeah, yeah, restore again...quote:
>paranoid, hello
The paranoid is strangely uninterested in your remark. Perhaps he's trying to figure out the best way to kill you.
>ask paranoid for mail
The paranoid doesn't respond.
The paranoid assumes you are out to get him (which you probably are) and kills you. Of course, everyone is out to get him, so it doesn't help him much. As for you, maybe everyone is out to get you as well.
Death
This bit here is a bit of absolute bastard genius and I'm positive I'd never have figured it out on my own. (It's been a while since I played this so I've got the hint book with me anyway, even for the easy stuff.)
Apparently once you're in the room with the paranoid, it's too late. All you gotta do is let the weirdo go first and draw the paranoid's fire.
...I can't believe it even came close to recognizing that last command. Impressive!quote:
>out
Basement
This is the basement of the paranoid's house. At the south end of the basement is a gaol. The gaol door is open. A stairway leads up.
The weirdo follows you.
>wait
Time passes.
The weirdo climbs the stairs.
>up
Foyer
You're in the foyer of the camouflaged house. You could try to exit to the north. There is a stairway leading down. The sophisticated communications and security centre that this place obviously possesses must be hidden somewhere else, rather like the camera.
The twitching weirdo is here. He obviously arrived before you.
The completely, utterly paranoid owner of this house is here. He does not look pleased.
There's some mail here.
The weirdo leaves with the paranoid in hot pursuit.
>take mail
Most of the mail is rather useless, not even worth picking up. You do find a coupon booklet, though.
[Your score just went up.]
>saunter out, whistling
As you leave the house, it puts on a very impressive display, shutting itself up after you. Finally, you pass through the gate, which rattles shut behind you.
114 35th
[This story isn't allowed to recognise the word "whistling."]
[Your blood pressure just went up.]
Anyway, let's check out our latest find:
So, where's the mail tally stand now?quote:
>look at coupon book
It's a coupon booklet ("Worth Over $10.00!") for a supermarket so far away it would cost you $20.00 to get there, addressed to 112 35th. There's also one of those cute little orange Postal Service stickers, with a B printed onit.
>score
[Your blood pressure is 127/83, in 291 moves. Your status is Annoyed. Your score is 4 out of a possible 21, making you a Victim.]
114 (the paranoid) got a magazine, which was delivered to 113.
113 (the farmhouse) got a bag of llama food, which was delivered to 111, and a sweepstakes flyer, which was delivered to 112.
112 (the mansion) got a coupon booklet, which was delivered to 114.
111 (that's us) got a cheque (if we're lucky), which was delivered who-knows-where. WHERE'S OUR GODDAMMED MONEY?
110 (the bookstore) got a computer ad, which was also delivered to 111.
109 (the tenement I assume) got - nothing we've found yet.
There doesn't seem to be a pattern. Guess we just have to keep stealing everyone's mail methodically... Might as well do the bookstore next.