Part 39: Episode XXXV: Cruise

Since everyone and their grandmother has been railroading Lynx into taking a cruise: next stop is the S.S. Invincible "- S.S. Zelbess -" pirate ship cruise liner. I...really, really hate this portion of the game so expect some heavy abridging this exceedingly boring leg of the journey.

Music: Zelbess
Note: I mostly detest this section of the game because this is bar none the shittiest, most repetitive music track in the entire game and it plays on loop non-stop during this area. In-game you're stuck on the Zelbess about a good hour to an hour and a half straight. I was having flashbacks to the Caverns of Limbo of the Lost by the time I was off this damned ship.


The pirate ship has somehow managed to get even gayer than our last visit in Another World. Along with all the gaudy advertisements and fliers are posters of SLASH Nikki Ziggy's concert on board... Terrific... Bad rock stars in leather bondage outfits are a constant in this universe.


Indeed, Ziggy's boat is docked alongside the Zelbess. Though, we're barred from entering for the time being. Indeed, there is precious little be done on the deck proper.


Well, other than berating buttertroll tourists. You can never have enough of that.

Heading below deck...


The ship's layout is virtually unchanged from the bizarro version we first saw. Though, it houses significantly less ghosts this time around. I am not sure if that is an improvement or not.


If we head into the mess hall dining room the party can come across Ziggy's stripper girlfriend loitering about on the balcony.


"You don't look like typical Ziggy fans... Are you fans?"
"The last time I met Ziggy I got kicked in the shins by a nine year old girl and was then forced to jump off a cliff into icy waters after a catman rambled confusing nonsense to me. No...not the fondest of the guy..."
"You don't have to say that just to please me."


"Nobody seems to understand the heart and soul of our performance... I want everyone to get goose bumps from the message we try to convey. We're not all about looks. I hope you understand that."


And so Miki saunters off, flashing her panties toward at least three different people just walking across the room in the world's shortest skirt.

Heading back outside...


Down at the end of the hallway we have the Captain's Quarters up above and a Casino down below. Might as well go see how Cap'n Mercury is doing in this dimension before we go gambling.

Into the Fargo's quarters...


"You've grown up..."
"Fargo... Yoü have not chänged al all... Yoü are still here dröwning in memöries of the päst..."
"What do you know...!? I lost everything when I lost Zelbess..."
"Aww...geez... Not another family drama bomb..."
"Monsieur Lynx, do you t'ink we should start a tally of ze timez we come upon zuch scenez?"
"Yeah...sure... I think we're on number way-the-hell-too-many."


"A treäsure dat mäy one däy bring hümans and demi-hümans together..."
"You mean Ziggy...?"
"..."
"...Wha?"
"You mean...captain mustache...and...fish woman...ergh...!?"
"H-How...does zat...even...?"
"Not thinking about it... NOT THINKING ABOUT IT!"
"Jä... And his sister... Marcy."
"Ze Acacia Deva Marcy?"
"Well, I know the androgynous rocker and that little shit were maybe related. Or at least the pasty coked up beanpole mumbled something about it before we kicked the crap out of her. I just didn't know mustaches and gills were also in the equation..."
"Ugh..."
"That child died with Zelbess when Luccia..."


"Ör yoü refüse to knöw. Yoü önly remember the päst which ist fävorable för yoü. Luccia tried to säve my sister Zelbess... But she was önly äble to säve the bäby... Marcy... Luccia felt respönsible and has suppörted Marcy from a distänce throughöut her life. Look at yoü now... Where ist the öld yoü, who had the pässion and desire to build a new wörld with my sister?"
"I told you... The old me is dead...! Now what do you want!? I don't need to be lectured by you!"
"....."
"Ünderstood. Let me get to the pöint."
"How much you wanna bet it's still gonna be a lecture?"
"I would say ze oddz are vingt to une in favor of a boring tirade eit'er way."


"I see... But why? You know that song too, don't you?"
"Let us just cüt to the chäse. We böth knöw the speciäl säge is needed to sing the speciäl söng, yes? My sister cöuld sing it büt she's deäd too and nöw Marbule is a cräp hole with oüt it. Dö yöu see where I am göing with dat?"
"Interesting... But so what? I don't want outsiders in Marbule... That suits me just fine."
"How much lönger are yoü göing to be stübborn? The Marbule yoü once knew ist nö longer there...! Yoü will önly find a nightmäre. Öpen yöur eyes to reälity..."
"I'm not releasing the sage no matter what you say. At least not until a blue haired boy or perhaps a cat-like counterpart unites the people and shows me the error of my ways. And what are the chances of that happening...?"


Irenes says she won't give up on ghostbustering Marbule and departs. Welp, that was entirely uncomfortable to stand about and listen in on. Let's go gamble to liven the mood!


Below Fargo's quarters is the casino. The below deck gambling den only has one game on tap: Compass Roulette. It costs 100G to play. The rules of the game are very simple:


When the game begins a compass will begin spinning. Pressing X at any time will stop the compass. Depending on direction, the following score will take place:

• North: JACKPOT! Current score points are doubled.
  
• West: -50 points to the total score.
  
• East: +50 points to the total score.
  
• South: DEATH! You instantly lose.
  

Prizes are given out at every 2000 or so points. So basically it's jackpot or bust as far as advancement goes. You begin the game with 100 points and have to advance from there. The prizes are all equipment crafting materials in flavors of:

• Rank 4 - Bone (crap)
  
• Rank 3 - Iron (Outdated crap)
  
• Rank 2 - Mythril (Flavor of the moment)
  
• Rank 1 - Rainbow Shell (best material in the game) or Denadorite every time after the first win (Next level after Mythril)
  

It's very easy to cheese this game for huge profit. When the spinner is turning just pause the game repeatedly until the dial is between the South and West parts of the compass. If it's in that area, just hold X and unpause. Congrats! Guaranteed Jackpot! Repeat until satisfied with your proceeds.


After running a scam on the casino that would have gotten our legs broken in Vegas, let's check out the lower deck. At the western end of the hall is an inn the party can rest up at should they need it (they won't, Zelbess has exactly one required fight.) So, instead let's check out the bar.

Music: The Big Splendid Astonishing Magic Group


The amazing Sneff the Illusionist is putting on a magic show on stage. His show goes on for an exceedingly long time, so let's just get a highlight reel...


Sneff's pervy overbite ass calls up the bustiest woman he sees in the audience, of course.




He first makes the young lady float in the air so he can get a peek up her dress as a warm-up.


"You will be able to wiffstand any weight! One... Two... Free!"




And then the poor girl becomes a chair for his portly comrade to sit and cheese all over. It's all very impressive if you're into fat guys sitting on skinny young women. I'm sure there's a porn site dedicated to that somewhere.


Apparently Holden Caulfield is in attendance in the audience tonight and heckles the magician's act.


"...Seriously? How the hell sheltered are you? I could sneeze out fireballs since I was about eight years old. Clown girl here can teleport and walk up walls. And fem-Yoda can turn into a friggin' swamp monster by just thinking about it. If that's not enough I have ice breath I got from a goddamn *dragon* and I was turned into a catman! What kind of special retarded are you not to believe in magic?!"
"Looks like I have someffing to prove to you. Step up to the stage!"

The heckler steps up on stage and Sneff declares he will perform his 'Cat on a Hot Tin Rooff' trick...


And so Sneff turns that sonuvabitch into a goddamn cat for doubting magic like some pants on head retard. Said heckler shuts right the hell up following this trick.


And that is the end of Sneff's show. Let's just keep in mind the magician possess the arcane art of turning people into felines.


If the party should come back later there are a couple of alternate shows. One is just a pirate duo tossing knives at each other.


The other is a comedy act by our old pals Solt and Peppor...now going by the names Lank and Stout. Nice to see they didn't die with the rest of the Dragoons.


Said "comedy act" seems to consist of Peppor periodically slapping Solt in the arm. Well, with that biting humor they're well on their way to a Comedy Central series.

Back into the hall...


At the end of the hallway, back where we ran into a locked door in our previous visit here too, there is a pirate guarding the entrance to some manner of underground fight tournament. Unfortunately, it's by invitation only via Fargo's permission. Oh well... Right next to the blood bowl entrance is the Demi-Human workers' quarters. Let's see if they know anything about this sage joker.


"We're looking for ze sage of Marbule... Do you know anyt'ing?"
"Hmmm... I don't believe he's here... They elsewhere. Now please, I have to get to work."


"You do know that was totally the Sage guy, right?"
"Oui."
"I mean he's the only person we've met so far with a new character portrait. Who is he trying to fool...?"

Following after the very obvious Sage of Marbule mysterious janitor...


"Alright, go. Don't slack off!"
<the old man wanders back stage>
"That old man used to be the leader of Marbule. But now he's down in the dumps, moppin' floors of the Zelbess."
"Now way! I thought it was gonna turn out to be you!"
"Through this door is the 'Gr-"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah Mr. Noportrait. We heard your two lines of dialogue already. Let's go see the captain..."

Back to Fargo's headquarters...


"Oh? The Grand Slam, eh...? So you're out for blood... Tell me, where did you folks come from?"
"Welp, long story that. Ya see I'm from Ar-"
"Marbule."
"What...? Marbule...? What are you doing here, anyway?"
"Uhh...since when? Look, just let me do the ta-"
"We're looking for ze sage of Marbule."
<slaps forehead> "Did you completely space out during that stupid talk with the mermaid? I mean...I don't blame you if ya did but..."
"Well, well, well... I'm sorry, but there's no one of that sort aboard the Zelbess. Plus, I don't want strangers ruining my fun on my ship. Sorry... I can't grant you access."
"Nice going clown shoes..."

Fargo rummages through a drawer and lights up a blunt...


"The foundation of Zelbess is entertainment. What do you say you try your luck?"
"Try our luck...?"
"That's right. There's a casino down below. If you win, I'll give you access to the Grand Slam. But if you lose, how about you give me your boat docked by the entrance? Well, what do you say?"
"I say a hardy hell n-"
"You're on!"
"..."
"What... No... This is stupid! Let's just go get something to eat and wait for the old jerk to get off duty and talk to him then. We don't have to rush immediately to go see him in some restricted area. He's gotta come out of there eventually. Besides, I wouldn't trust this prick as far as I could throw his mustache. I had a duel with him in the other world. He immediately had his men stick me with sleeping darts after I won. Guy is a slimy asshole and is just going to cheat."
"Tch, Monsieur Lynx... Zat is ze worst that could happen?"
"We lose our boat and get stuck here for another hour listening to that godawful music on loop on the intercom."
"Tut! Jou worry too much."


I'm sure this will go well... Oh well, on to the casino...


"Give it up, old man Sneff. You don't have what it takes. Just keep doing your shows, that's all."
"Nuff! One of these days, I'm gonna slap your dirty fface wiff a wad of cash and get the hell offa this ship!"

Sneff storms off...


"That old man has built up quite a debt from this casino. So now, I own him. I suggest you don't let the same happen to you!"
"If push comes to shove I kicked the shit out of you when you were a pirate. I think I could handle you now that your occupation is limited to fish fucker."
"..."
"Clear the room... We're having a private game here..."

The room clears out of gamblers...


The rules of Fargo's sudden death game are basically:

• West, North, and East = Continue Playing!
  
• South = You lose! Good day, sir!
  

The game is, predictably enough, completely rigged. Lynx can continue as long as he wants to stay in the game. But Fargo will never, ever hit South on a spin.


The same cannot be said about Lynx's chances. Terrific...


"Well then, it looks like you owe me your boat. Don't hold a grudge. I won that game fair and square. I guess that means you'll have to swim back! Hah hahahahaha!"
"Harle..."
"Oui, Monsieur L?"
"I hate you."
<frown>






Sneff Official Art - Lock up the ladies, sex appeal incarnate is on the prowl.


Zelbess
The Big Splendid Astonishing Magic Group