Part 61: Episode LV: Lynx and the Kung Fu Waitress of Guldove

I think we have time for one more sidequest before we get in a couple rounds of dragon based genocide underway. Our third destination in time wasting exercises is a return trip to the ghetto burg of Guldove. I hope Macha isn't pissed her boat has been commandeered by a snappy dressed cat man.

Music: Hurricane


"Fargo, just because they're poor and smell like a tuna's asshole doesn't mean we need to get all judgmental on 'em."
"I meant more the group of Porre thugs fightin' over yonder."
"Hmm? What is going on? People are gathering over there."
"Yeah...I know... I have eyes too, Norris. Just because the camera is overhead doesn't mean I'm lost my ability to see twenty feet ahead of me."


We come upon a group of Porre soldiers being assaulted by an angry unarmed blonde woman. For being an army that possess firearms the Porre military is awfully reluctant to use them...like ever. I think Norris is the solitary person among their ranks that ever uses his gun.


"So what if I resist? Why don't you stop hiding behind your men and try to stop me yourself?"
"I-I'll make you regret that! A-Alright, you, GO! Seize th-this girl."
"Wh-Why me, sir?"
"Arrgh, don't talk back! This is a direct order! Get with it, on the double!!!"
"So are...they like going to use their rifles? Norris, those are like real guns, ain't they?"
"Affirmative, sir."
"I thought so. I mean, it's a cutscene. They could totally go all Indiana Jones on her. Aaaaand... Look at this bozo! He's walking right up to her! Geez... This is just..dumb... I really need to get a thesaurus one of these days and figure out some new words to describe 'dumb' because it is getting silly."










And he, of course, gets karate kicked in the teeth and instantly knocked the fuck out since this is, after all, a cutscene.


"Ffffffffffffu-"
"Why, isn't this Sir Lynx? We cannot arrest this girl on our own. Please help us, sir!"
"You are...you are just the worst soldier ever, aren't you?"
"There are more of you? But you're still no match for me. Leave this village now!"
"Not actually with them, lady. This guy is just kind of a moron. Oh...you're gonna...gonna attack like a 'tard too, huh...? Sure...wh-ah...you know the rest."


We're now forced into battle with the martial arts trained barmaid Tifa Orlha.


Orlha pretty much exclusively sticks to physical attacks and can do some reasonable damage for an angry waitress, but nothing really worth mentioning beyond that.


Needless to say, she got a bit overconfident with her earlier victory against Porre red shirts and she quickly finds herself in a crumpled heap on the ground in no time flat.


"When's the last time you reported in to HQ, fella?"
"We've been out on patrol on our own for about a week, sir."
"Uhhh...yeah. You miiiiiiiight wanna leave out the part about me helping you out here. Just a tip.


"Wait! I order you and your troops to return to headquarters. We will take care of this girl. This village will be under Sir Lynx's command until further notice. Report that back to high command."
"But that will be too much trouble for..."
"Didn't ya hear? This an order from yer superior officer. If ya disobey, ya will be court-martialed. Do I make myself clear?"
"Admiral Bigoteviaje is not one to take insubordination lightly, soldier. And neither am I. Do we have an understanding, soldier? The hot ch-ergh...suspect will remain in our custody. Errr...dismissed?"
"Y-Yes, sir! We will gather the troops and head back to headquarters at once, sir!"

The Porre troops pull out of Guldove. Some time passes...

Music: Another Guldove


"Even though you are in a different body? I don't know what happened... but you need to get back to your true self."
"Uhhh...yeah... Nice to meet you, I guess...? Sorry about the black eye..."
"I cannot believe it... Is it possible that such a thing can occur...?"
"No...I'm just trying to pull one over on the stoner quack to get some prescription meds."
"I'm afraid my supply of medication is a bit low at the moment with the Porres disrupting commerce."
"Whatever you have to tell yourself in the morning, Doc..."


Orlha tries to stand, but nearly falls over from the beating we gave her. I guess shooting, stabbing, and setting her on fire until she lost consciousness was a wee bit excessive a reaction to a case of mistaken identity. But, at least she seems to be taking it well.


"Uuuuuhhhhh... You sure you don't want the doctor to check your head again...? I...usually don't give family keepsakes to random strangers that assaulted me..."


So, for...god knows what reason...Orlha gives us this brooch like we're old BFFs.


"It's alright...for now. Listen, Serge. Promise me this."
"Aww geez... Not more girls with promises... Dude, we *just* met. I'm not skinning Komodo Pups already."
"When you successfully regain your true self, come visit me. I will gladly aid you then..."
"If you say so, bizarrely trusting stranger. You happen to know the location of the local pawn shop...?"


Well, that was extraordinarily disjointed. While we're in the area, we can ask Doc to rejoin us. But his mind is simply BLOWN at this point and he is unable to comply. Shame, that. We could go visit Macha too and tell her about what went down, but she'll just call Lynx a drunken honky and send him away.


If we should wander into the local tavern before setting sail, Orlha will continue to give off the impression that Doc loaded her up with happy time drugs and sent her on her way.


"That's err...hot and all... But, I kinda just wanted a drink. I left my I.D. back in my other hat but I mean...come on... Do I look like I'm under 21...?"
"According to old legends, 'Twins are sings of tragedy...' When I was a child, I was separated from my mother and sister, who left El Nido... I only had my father."
Oh...come on! Is there a 'tell me your life story' sign stitched into the top of my hat?! I'd look but I...really don't want to see what kinda hat hair a cat can get...
"I felt as if half of my body had been lost. There was a huge void in my heart..."


"Yea...just a BIT..."
"Sometimes I really feel that there are countless worlds... And I am not the only me... Does this sound odd?"
"..."
"Yeah...yeah, the oddest thing I've heard all friggin' day. You're crazy."
"But that might just be running away from reality... The one thing that always helped me when I felt weak was this sapphire brooch..."


And thanks to Doc loading the girl up with morphine and calling it a day, it's been handed over to a furry, a pirate, and an invading army commander. I hope we recruit a lawyer character to help out Doc with all the malpractice suits he must get hit with.


<sigh> "Right... Right... Right..."
<opens up journal>
<jots down: "Find hot blonde with a nice rack's sister in alternate dimension. Twins!">
"You don't have to return it...just yet. This blue gem... This is the only one that exists in this world. That means it is proof you are the real 'Serge.' So, please keep it with you until you have regained your true identity."
"...Couldn't I just hand this over to anyone and tell 'em to say 'hey, I'm Serge'? And...why would I want you joining me in the first place...?"
<bounce>
"Point taken..."




Oh well. We'll just have to put that extremely flimsy excuse for a new party member on the back burner. While we're in the area, let's take a pit stop at the Dragon Shaman to see if she has any advice on slain her figure of worship and/or manipulating her sacred relics.

Showing Direa the "Tears of Hate" shards...


"I've whipped together a pamphlet regarding "FYI: I'm not Lynx, I'm Serge." Refer to page three for the part about the Dragon Flame business..."

A quick fade out later...


"The emblem and the Dragon Tear have been handed down by Dragon shamans for generations. Although the worlds are different, you should be able to receive aid from the other shaman with this emblem. Make hast to the alternate world."


So the sage gives us an emblem that either needs to be inserted into the door slot to the toilet in an Umbrella lab or has something to do with Fort Dragonia. Hmm...




Now, let's take a quick trip over to the Home World. Flashing the emblem we just received will allow the party to gain access to the alternate Dragon holy person.


It turns out the shaman's assistant, Steena, is running shop in Home World. Sage Direa apparently croaked a few years back in this dimension. And it also would appear there's a fully intact Dragon's Tear in this world. Well, that's a lucky break.


Unfortunately, Steena rolls in with the cock block. She's not giving p the Dragon Tear until Lynx kicks all the dragons' asses and receives their blessing (read: finishes the damn fetch quest.)

So, in summary: Fuck Steena right in the dopey eye-phasing-through-hair face.






Orlha Official Art - Warning: Man Hands.