Part 30: S.E.A.L. Training Center

What is this crap? Why did you bring all these people I can't stand here?

It's called an intervention, John.

It's for your own good.

My own good? You think I'm going to take advice from some of the most dysfunctional people I've ever met?

That's a good point. Isn't an intervention supposed to be with a person's friends?

Hey, I work with what I have.

This is an intervention? What in the hell? You told me that I was going to have the chance to help bankrupt another company! I even wrote another mediocre RTS for this!

Yes, that's certainly what the world needs. Another one of your RTS games. The last one was an atrocity of Nazi-esque proportions and almost destroyed all of my imaginative and influential work on Deus Ex.

Shut up, you self-important self-inserting asshole.

Look, is anyone here going to die? Because, seriously, guys, I owe Satan 4 souls by midnight or else he said I'm never working in this industry again.

Shut up, Klie.

Guys, this really isn't helping. We're here for John.

You're right. John, you have a serious problem here.

Your mom has a serious problem here.

BURN!

Hey Stevie, your tit's about to explode. Better go take care of that.

MY BOOBIE!?!?!?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

That leads me to a question for John. Why did you hire Stevie and Chris? Hold on, let me take that back. I know why you hired Stevie. But why Chris?

Same reason.

Ewww.

The problem is that Romero has an ego complex. His self-absorbed nature, inability to follow conventional rules, and the fact that he's always convinced that he's right implies deep psychological flaws.

Just because you put Freud in one of your games doesn't mean you're Freud, Warren.

Don't you have some model airplanes you should be putting together?

Take that, you idea stealing hack.

Which one of us? Me?

All of you. You're all fucking hacks who made your fortune based off of my personality, my imagination, and my dream.

What dream was that?

To start my own company and hire some of the best talent in the industry. However, I didn't realize that all of these ingrates would manipulate me until we were forced to close our doors.

Speaking of manipulation, is anyone here interested in this game? You can control up to TWELVE units at once! If you're interested, you can email me at todd.porter.sex.god@aol.com

CAN I DESIGN LEVELS FOR IT? I LOVE YOU LONG TIME!

Meh, sure, why the fuck not? It's not like I give a damn how the final product turns out.

Like Asheron's Call 2?

OK, guys, seriously, this isn't helping here.

Why did you think bringing in this group of idiots would do anything to change my opinion of Daikatana or my success?

At this point, I really don't know.

John, will you at least think about what your life has become?

OK. Will you think about the fact that you're a nerdy loser who's still a virgin and has to des-

That's a lie!

Whatever you say, champ. Anyway, that you have to design rockets for a hobby because they're the only things that won't make fun of you?

Hahahahaha.

Oh yeah, Warren Spector. The great name of video games. Hey, I had a question to ask you, Warren.

What's that, my intellectually inferior compatriot?

What have you done in the past ten years besides milking the completely mediocre Thief and Deus Ex, which I was responsible for funding?

Uh.........

Exactly what I thought.

John, we're just trying to help here.

Oh, you can shut the fuck up. You actually cried when I told you Ion Storm was shutting down. CRIED! And I don't mean a couple of sobs. I mean like a fucking baby. You made me hold you.

You promised you'd never tell anyone about that! *sniff*

Suck it down, asshole.

Look, Romero, you can keep living in your fantasy world, or you can wake up and join us in the real world.

Oh, look, Tom Hall is speaking. The only impressive thing you've ever done was manage to actually sell LESS copies of Anachronox than I did of Daikatana. And you took longer to develop it.

At least it's finished.

Does anyone but you know that?

......

Right. But that reminds you. I was going to send you a Christmas present.

Really?

Yeah, it was 4 of the 5 copies of Anachronox that were actually sold. I got them on Ebay for a quarter.

So are you buying this fucking game or not, John.

I don't even need to make fun of you. Everyone already knows what kind of a fucking douchebag you are.

LOL DOUCHE LOL!!!!!!!!

Get out, you vapid cunt. In fact, all of you get out. I never want to see any of you again.

Fine by me. This is hopeless.

I shall partake in a trip elsewhere, for it appears that my genius is unappreciated and unnecessary in this locale.

Yeah, I'm leaving too. Maybe Satan will be cool if I go off some drug addicts or something.

I can't believe I gave up another night of an awesome Anachronox game for this.

Is that really what you do in your spare time? Sit around and play Anachronox?

Sometimes I work on writing FAQs for GameFAQs for Anachronox too.

Good god, none of these losers has a dime in their pocket for me to steal. I'm going over to EA. They'll buy anything. Stevie, coming?

THIS LIGHT IS SHINY! SHINY SHINY SHINY SHINY SHINY SHINY SHINY!!!!!

Come on, Stevie. I have a puppy at home.

YAY! PUPPY!!!!!!



..........yeah, that..........didn't go the way I thought it would.

Oh, I've got something special for you, motherfucker. Just you wait.

(to be concluded)


S.E.A.L. Training Center Intro (Google)
S.E.A.L. Training Center (Google)

Frankomatic

(It's been one hell of a ride, folks. I didn't expect 1/20 of the response this thread got, and I love all of you for it. But remember this thread's not over yet. Suspicious' video will be coming in the next couple of days, and that will be the TRUE ending to this thread. I'm going to do a proper thank you post to everyone once we're finally done.

And damn, you guys are some impatient motherfuckers. I knew posting that Vimeo image would fuck me over.

I was going to do deathmatch tomorrow, but I'm thinking I'd rather do it next Saturday so as not to drop it on people at the last second and give them time to cancel plans for the much more important task of playing Daikatana online with fellow nerds. Details will be posted later this week. It will be the final hurrah of this thread and a very special event.)