Part 1: Introduction Part 1

The game starts out with some of the best book rendering I've ever seen in any video game, film, or library.






Naaah, let's stick with the default names. Any game where a character has a given name but STILL lets you change it, I'm compelled to leave it as the default.






After that little opening which barely makes any sense, we're brought to the DARK SHRINE, where we see a handful of odd humanoid beings beginning a ceremony around a giant smoking urn.




In enters these two fellows, who are responsible for all the shit that's about to be happening for the rest of the game.



So apparently, these are witches and/or humans. Or maybe human witches. Anyway, they're having a good old fashioned dance party to break some kind of seal with their blood, which sucks because I was hoping they were throwing a kickass fondue party.




And we're introduced to another fellow who is eavesdropping on the whole thing. Maybe he was hoping for fondue too. Also note that none of these characters have any names yet and we haven't even been SHOWN the character we HAVE named.






The dancers continue to throw their hands in the air, and wave them around in a manner that would indicate that they just don't care, while Tubby and the man now identified as Flag continue to discuss what is actually going on here.





As the urn emits some kind of... dark cloud, the dancers fade away, their sacrifice complete. The seal is broken, and out comes...





My thoughts exactly. Where's the singing and dancing? OK fine, we already saw some dancing, but I demand a song, genie!





Gotta appreciate his attitude. You imagine being a genie and all, he's had to deal with all sorts of people being his master. He doesn't give a shit anymore, so long as he can fuck shit up.

Seriously though, are you going to sing or not?



DARK GENIE NEEDS FOOD BADLY (not that badly, by the looks of it)





I could easily make a comment about vore fetishes here, but I won't. Instead, I'll say I'm reminded of the many moments in The Muppet Show where a Muppet would eat someone or get eaten. As much as I loved and love all things Jim Henson, I must admit that those scenes always upset me when I was younger.


With that done, we can finally start to play the g-



Oh God dammit.

Well, here's some other place and here's some girl running in this other place. We're still not actually playing the game.



At least we know we're getting closer to being able to play. There's Toan! He's that guy we named all the way back at the start.



Fuck you, Mom! You can't tell me what to do! I'M THE MAIN CHARACTER!



Oh, I'll show YOU a staff member.



Get it? I mean my penis.



And here he is in all his poncho-y glory. At this time, it should be noted that Toan is one of those mute main characters. You know, the kinda fellow that everyone responds to as if he said something but he really didn't. The kinda fellow where other people speak on your behalf. The kinda fellow where, for some reason, gamers impose their own ideas of what kind of character they are and determine them to be really awesome even though they're a blank slate with only a sliver of personality conveyed through pantomime.

I hate those jerks.



As Toan sets out into the village, we witness the SECOND dance party within the first 10 minutes of the game. Sadly, this is not a trend that will be continuing for the rest of the game.



High above the village, Flag and the genie look down at the celebration. Possibly jealous that their dance party is WAY more fun than his...



...Flag commands the genie to wreck everyone's shit.





And thus, Dark Cloud comes to an end. Toan, valiant hero and poncho wearer, perishes trying to save his friend from a drive-by genie shooting.

Next Time - We're STILL not playing the game!