Part 30: Fuck the Card Game

Update 30: Fuck the Card Game
Sub-Title: It's Time to D-D-D-Destroy This Fucking Game

Really, the title(s) tells you everything you need to know about this update.



So, the thing about the Circuit Board; they didn't bother, y'know, making any new maps for the overworld in the postgame, so all the entrances are in the same place as they were in the full game. That means, of course, that they must have spent all their effort in making the Circuit Board a new, vibrant place with plenty of-


Click for music

Hahaha of course not, fuck off. The Circuit Board is just as obnoxious as it used to be.

Hooray for consistency!

So, fun fact! I finally managed to find maps of the Circuit Boards in the regular game, including a list of entrances, exits, and the treasure locations. That being said, they're useless! The Circuit Boards in the postgame are entirely different beasts.

They're split up into four different board maps; the one we're in right now is the Black Digimon board, as might be obvious given the Black Digimon right in front of us. This particular Circuit Board is basically just a straight line; there's a few choice paths, but none of them have treasure chests and there's only one screen to a dead-end.

The enemies in here are, uh, kinda eclectic. Just assume that if it's not on the overworld, it's on one of the Circuit Boards; which screen, though (and of course, they vary the encounters per screen) is basically up to luck.



Let's just, uh... deal with... B-Sent Gargoylemon.

what the fuck.

B-Sent...?

B-Sent Gargoylemon: I'm strong. You're nothing compared to me!
B-Sent Gargoylemon: What? You want to fight me? Are you out of your mind? Very well. I'm going to beat you into mashed potatoes!

Fight is exactly the same as in the first game. The only difference is that the stats are boosted a huge bunch - but my level 99 'mons can wreck shit anyway.

Aha, B-Sent Gargoylemon SP went down like a chump.



Next up is BK Imperialdramon. Or, uh, whatever the fuck it's translated as...

B-IP Doramon: ..Mega Death! If you got a problem with that, leave my presence immediately!
B-IP Doramon: Fool! I gave you a chance to leave and you're still here! You're going to pay for that decision dearly!

Seeing "Mega Death" seriously just triggered me.



Let's just keep going. Thankfully, I have a zero-encounter code, so the game's just tedious instead of tedious AND making me spend a minute in a fight for every thirty seconds of plodding through these boards.

Cheating LPer. For shame.

B Seraphimon: ...been chosen may enter this area. Those without confidence should depart in peace.
B Seraphimon: To pass this point you must first defeat me. Know, however, that I will not be the one to lose this battle.



The thing is, none of these fights are any different - they're exactly the same as before, only with more numbers. And, there's not even any snappy post-fight dialogue; the BK Digimon just disappear once we win.

Our postgame, everyone! It's funny how you expect 'snappy dialogue' in this game. You should temper your expectations.

B MegaroGrowlmon: No one has ever fought me and lived to tell about it!
B MegaroGrowlmon: WHAT? You have the audicity to challenge me? Very well. I will teach you just how pathetic you are.



Good news is, there's just two more to go.

B WarGreymon: ...I'll give you that. However, your quest ends here.
B WarGreymon: You are gravely mistaken to think you can challenge me at your level. But since you insist I will destroy you. Be grateful for my generosity!



No. Nooooooooooooooooooo.

The stupid thing is, the Circuit Board maps are just put together differently. They didn't bother changing any assets or anything. Um... At least the music isn't A.o.A anymore?

also my nemesis returns

B King Numemon: ...B King Numemon, am the B Digimon king! Those who challenge me shall never live to see another day! NumeNume!
B King Numemon: NuNu! You still insist on fighting? Senseless imbecile! Very well, I will show you the fires of Hades! I will hear the sound of you crying in agony!



This time, I'm not putting up with any of his shit.



Our reward for making it through this gauntlet of repeat bossfights is a few more Ultimate Weapon crafting materials; Tempest Arm, as well as Old Wand and Rusty Katana if the player didn't grab them before beating Galacticmon. (Remember, those two are the only ones that aren't earned through plot-necessary battles, we get Old Wand from beating Pharaohmon and Rusty Katana from beating Zanbamon, and those two idiots aren't available in the postgame.)



The other nice thing is that the second exit is the screen right above the chest. I am legitimately surprised that the game didn't make us walk all the way back to the original entrance.

Kite's reaction bubble/Yeti's commentary combo.



Yay.



Moving along, this entrance leads us to the Equipment Forging Circuit Board. You can find all the armor digimon here (except those two assholes that are underwater, you need to go to the Seabeds in Central Park-Kicking Forest and Shell Beach for them). Fun fact, there's no more order restriction, so we can get them all in whatever order we so desire. Just have the materials necessary.



This one (the upper part of Plug Cape) leads to the Ultimate Digimon, so you can retrieve the rest of the partners. The rules have changed a little bit; instead of talking to the Agents and then fighting the Digimon with the partners in a certain range of levels, we just need to have all our partners (including the ones in the bank, not just the ones in the active party) at level 45 or above. Once we beat an Ultimate Digimon, we get the partner immediately.

Really? What's the point of having your banked Digimon at a level that isn't a blatant time fill?

Yes, that does mean that once you beat the first Ultimate, you have to go and grind your new partner up to level 45 before you can get the next one. No, this game is not well designed.

...I fucking hate this miserable game.

The Circuit Board also has a bunch of the forging materials scattered about.



The final Circuit Board has three entrances; this one, the one in the lower half of Plug Cape, and then the other hole in Central Board.



Good news! We don't have to fight bosses in this one.

BlackAgumon: You're Junior! I always wanted to meet you!
BlackAgumon: OK buddy, let's play cards. I ain't losing to you.

Bad news! We have to play the card game.



There are fifteen NPCs dotting the Circuit Board; five BlackAgumons, five Numemons, and five MetalEtemons. Each of them will give us a card for beating them in the game, and these cards are incredibly powerful. Since we'll be covering the card game section of the postgame, I figured I'll give a quick look at it so you all can see WHY I HATE IT SO MUCH.

Hating card games? Yeti, this is a toy commercial video game. Everyone and the player is supposed to love it!



Pictured: the SINGLE rational thing about this game. It's just trying to call the coinflip.



So, the game itself is stupidly simple. You have a folder of 40 cards, and each round you draw 6 cards from it. Those 6 cards are your hand; you don't get any more that round, though there are a few cards that let you draw more or discard a few.




The first stage of battle is playing Program Cards, which do things to the hand. Stuff like discarding, drawing, things like that. The problem is, and what's displayed here, the game supposedly lets you counter Program Cards with the Freeze Bug Program, but you can only have three cards on the stack. That means that the opponent plays a card -> you counter -> they counter your counter and you're fucked.

Oh, so whoever put down the first card will always win assuming they have the proper PG Card count.

...Hah. That speaks for itself.

So if he summons Celtic Guardian, and I counter with Trap Hole, he can counter me with Seven Tools of the Bandit. I lose the card chain since only 3 is allowed.

This is worse than Forbidden Memories.

After both the player and the NPC opponent don't play a Program Card, you summon Digimon (seen here). The attack and defenses are totaled for each side, and then more Program Cards are played. What you see here is the opponent trying to destroy one of my Digimon, me trying to counter it with Freeze Bug, and then my counter being countered.

Fuck this game.



After that round of Program Cards, the clash happens. Whoever has more HP left at the end wins.



fuck this game

Hah, all your Digimon are brown. BYE YETI! You got hit with Brown Raigeki!



FUCK THIS GAME

Draw? Nah, you lose. FUCK OFF.

See, right here is the hot bullshit that makes the card game a pain in my ass. See, the NPC has two win conditions - have more HP than you, or have EQUAL HP to you. That means, essentially, that 'Fuck you, nuke the board' is a valid strategy for the computer to follow. Meanwhile, the player has only one condition - have more HP than the opponent.

Fuck.

Hooray for fairness!



There's one good thing about this Circuit Board, and that's that it leads you to another chest.



Yay.




This is the fastest way to get to the chest; it's just a few screens away.



Anyway. With the 15 best cards in our pocket, and with all the Circuit Boards explored, it's time for hell.

Somebody help us. This is too much.


Click for music

I'd say the music is good, but we never get to hear it, since we're ALWAYS PLAYING CARD GAMES.

Tamer Haruka: I will not allow you to proceed!
Tamer Haruka: You dare challenge me? Not knowing one's limits can be called bravery, I suppose.



Haruka's deck is a white deck, so she loves saying 'fuck anything that's not a White card'. Pictured: me swearing at the game because that Program she just played lets her remove three cards from my deck because FUCK YOU THAT'S WHY.

Oh shit. She's running Lightsworn.



The winning strategy here is to use a White deck.



Tamer Haruka: And be grateful for my generosity!

I will slaughter you in your sleep.

Why in her sleep? Don't be a pussy, Yeti.

I will slaughter her wherever the fuck I can, her sleep is probably just the easiest.



Next up on the asshole train is this idiot.

Tamer Poemy: Please cease and desist your progression!
Tamer Poemy: You insist on passing? I, however, cannot withdraw from my position. Oh, the tragedy! This is truly a love story of romantic proportions!

As opposed to a love story of... comedy proportions? What would that be, anyway? Every sitcom ever?

If this was a sitcom, it'd be a better game.



Poemy's deck is Black, with an emphasis on hand denial. A lot of his (her?) cards attack your hand and deck instead of the battlefield itself.

Pictured: the game's little fuck you. Also pictured: a second before I loaded a save state because hahaha guess what my counter got countered again.

Shit. He/Shes using Card Destruction.



The winning strategy is to use a Black deck and spam Darkness Gale whenever possible to screw over the NPC.




Tamer Poemy: I will always be with you in spirit!

This is about the point that I was incredibly tempted to look into developing a walk through walls cheat code for the game.

More effort than the game deserves.



This was the point that I wanted to just claw my eyes out and not have to read this shitty dialogue.

Tamer Pierre: ...pass here... oh non non!
Tamer Pierre: If you absolument insist, you must defeat moi! One match, s'il vous plait!

Yeti, please. The dialogue has always been shit. WHERE IS YOUR TOLERANCE.



Pierre's deck is a blue deck, focusing mainly around stealing your Digimon and battlefield control.

Pictured: half a second before the game bounces all my Digimon back to my hand. What's that? I have a Freeze Bug? So does he.

Shit, he spams Change of Heart.



The winning strategy is to use a Black deck and spam Darkness Gale whenever possible to screw over the NPC.



Tamer Pierre: Very well, you may pass.



Tamer Pierre: ...your battle with the King. Au Revoir!



They're a blight on this world and I want them to burn.

A way of marketing to kids to take more of their parent's money.

Tamer Bomuji: I have thought long and hard on this, but to no avail.
Tamer Bomuji: I'm sorry, but I cannot allow you to pass here yet. If you must, you will have to defeat me.



Bomuji's deck is a Red deck, focusing on destroying our Digimon with powerful Programs once they're on the field.

Pictured: me pulling a Giver.

See, the NPCs don't actually have, y'know, AI or anything like that. What they have is a series of instructions that they follow.

The game itself isn't actually a game, so much as it's a puzzle that you have to solve and then hope that the RNG doesn't fuck you over when trying to implement your solution. The NPC draws are always the same, and they always make the exact same move every time. This is where my winning move here comes in; right before this, it had been 0/0 to 0/0 - the NPC's program had just dealt 60 to all of my cards, killing everything. If the NPC had just not moved, I would have lost the match. Instead, because the instructions said 'summon a Goburimon', they did so - and I stole the card. It can't kill me, because the last card in its hand only deals damage to non-Red Digimon.

Oh fuck yes. You channel my skills, Yeti! Create shock and awe as you masterfully use their own strategies against them by pointing out every single flaw!

Basically, fuck you game you piece of shit, try not cheating for once.

Also as a little fuck you, every single draw from the NPC contains a Freeze Bug. Hope you have one of your own, or your Program's getting cancelled.



Tamer Bomjui: Very well. You may proceed!



Fuck you, game. Fuck you.

We already did. We figured out your bullshit.



Granted, most of that strength is courtesy of the 99 copies of every card in the game from the save file.

Tamer Alice: You... want... passage. No! You... must... defeat me... at... cards... to... pass.

Ellipses... Ellipses... Are... A... Wonderful... Thing... Yes... Indeed...



Alice's deck is a Black Deck.

Pictured: literally her first card.

fuck this game.

Hahahahaha, they cheat just like Forbidden Memories. Hahahahahaha.



The winning strategy is to use a Black deck and spam Darkness Gale whenever possible to screw over the NPC. Also go first otherwise you're fucked.




Oh shit it's Elvis we're about to play cards against Elvis.



In a shocking twist that nobody saw coming (unless they paid attention to the last... two images?) the King is actually Keith. Fucker.

Hah, the guy you said was just like me earlier is the most powerful card-master. Eat shit, Yeti.

Keith: ...luck ends here! Let me explain it to you. You see, the Card King-that would be me-is perfect! I'm simply too cool to lose, capiche?
Keith: You got it? Alright then, let's go!



Keith's deck is just all-around powerful. He uses basically every technique; hand denial, field control, so on and so forth.

Pictured: him using Darkness Gale because get fucked, game, I hate you.

GO KEITH!



The winning strategy is to use a Black deck and spam Darkness Gale whenever possible to screw over the NPC.

Notice a trend?



Keith: You are inextricably unbelievable! Here, take this. It's the KoC Trophy. It's proof that you beat the Card King! But the real battle's only just begun! Good luck!

So.

Our reward for beating all these idiots is a completely useless Key Item that does nothing.

Also, Kite is now the holder of the KoC Trophy. I just want to let that sink in.




I hate this game. Just... hate, straight from zero to sixty.

And Yeti's character development is finally complete.