Part 67: Fake Update #13: The Bizarre and Tragic Tail of Shrimpo

Fake Update #13: The Bizarre and Tragic Tail of Shrimpo


I'm not sure. There are some similar-looking things in Beyond Divinity, but that  takes place on an entirely different planet . It's hard to saw which boss is weirder - Cyrion, or the one in this update...

Yeah, Cyrion is definitely the toughest boss so far... not that there have been all that many bosses. He's far from THE hardest, and it's not even the smallest room you fight a boss in (that's probably not a coincidence).

Fake Update #13: The Bizarre and Tragic Tail of Shrimpo


I swear that I am not making up ANY of the following. This is all from the game. The misspelling is intentional, just for pun.

When you walk south of the graveyard, you meet an odd fellow, by the name of Apollo.




No, I'm sorry, I've never met anybody named Shrimpo in my life.
If you see him, please tell Shrimpo that Apollo is looking for him.
But how can you be so sure he is near this place, your Shrimpo?
Eh, yes, hm... last time he was seen in the graveyard north from here, near a group of gravestones to the northeast...
I see...

Let's try lying to him:

Aye, I have. I saw him heading towards the Marketplace.
You can't fool Apollo, stranger. He must be somewhere nearby. I know it.
But how can you be so sure he is near this place, your Shrimpo?

If you lie to him, he won't believe it, and for good reason. He really believes that Shrimpo is in the graveyard. But we just came from there, and saw no one. Or did we?

Most gravestones in the game do nothing. But the group in the northeast has some inscriptions.

Video: Meet Shrimpo (Voice Acting)







Hilmar the Dwarf - His unnatural taste for wine, seafood and human wenches shamed the dwarven community.
Risini the Bard - His performances were often controversial, but this time his critics were definitely too hard on him.
Ingmar the Fisherman - He dreamt of owning his own boat. Now at least he has his own coffin
Marius the Merchant - The funny thing is that he lived in fear of trolls, not fish bones.
Polgara the Mage - She always insisted on testing new magic potions - preferably with fish aroma - on herself first.
Osiris the Cook - The mean bastard took the recipe for his famous bouillabaisse with him to the grave.

After you've read them all in the correct order...






BOSS: El Shrimpo - He's not as tough as Cyrion, but he has higher resistances, and he can cast Restoration on himself. Use the same tactics on him as on Cyrion and you should win easily.








When it dies, Shrimpo leaves behind the unique spear "Harpoon of Atlantos". It's probably the only unique spear in the game, because spears are sort-of an afterthought in this game. If you want to use it, try reloading a few times to get some good stats. After Shrimpo dies, Apollo rushes up, quite upset.






Nice and friendly? That over-sized seafood snack tried to kill me!
No, no, no! You're mistaken! Shrimpo was harmless!
And what about those graves? Don't tell me your friend wasn't responsible for those people's deaths.
Responsible? Shrimpo only defended his neighbours! These mass-murderers were butchering and eating thousands of innocent sea creatures a week!
I don't understand...




Here we have a couple of choices.

What do you mean, under the sea?
I mean, the shop left the surface of the sea and dived down into a wondrous new world...
Unbelievable! And what happened then?

Under the sea? Ridiculous! You're lying, old man.
No, no, no... I'm not lying! It's the truth. We really traveled beneath the surface of the sea. It's really a wondrous new world down there...
Go on, old man. But stay by the truth!


I'll go with the polite choice.

A ship to travel under the sea... Obviously your Shrimpo was quite a genius.
You bet. Now maybe you understand who you've killed stranger...
Hey, let's not forget he attacked me first... But now, go on with your story!
Errr... yes, yes! As I said, Shrimpo and I were exploring this world under the sea, and we saw numerous wonders... Monsters, as big as huge taverns. Creatures without heads, but arms, longer than any spear I've ever seen. Fish, faster than a lightning bolt...
Yes, yes, yes... Whatever you say, madman. But what happened next? All what you're saying cannot explain his strange appearance or his violent actions...
Ooh, ehem... See, one day we traveled far down and we reached the floor of the sea. And then we saw it. A town, a big city. With houses, and marketplaces, and statues. The only inhabitants we could see were the fish swimming around. Yes, I swear.
Houses? Statues?
Yes, statues, especially one of a huge, angry-looking man, a long spear in his hand, and with a... errr... fishtail where his legs should have been. And the whole thing seemed to glow somehow...
A fishtail? I think, you're...
Yes, yes I know, it sounds odd, but I'm telling the truth. And then came the fishnet...
What? A fishnet? What are you talking about?
Yes, yes, a fishnet. We were very near the statue, because Shrimpo wanted to see everything in all detail, when this fishnet appeared and got stuck on the spear of the statue.
And what happened next?
I don't know why Shrimo did this, but I believe he wanted to free the statue from the net. So he took a deep breath and left the boat through the hatch on the bottom. He had reached the statue at the moment when the net came loose. The spear of the statue broke and a bright light hit my poor friend.
Holy Gods!
Yes, I first thought Shrimpo was dead, but soon afterward he crawled back into the ship. He was exhausted and almost frozen to death, but he had survived.
Man, you might be crazy as a fish bone, but you can tell really exciting stories...
Yes, everything seemed to be all right again. Shrimpo recovered soon enough, and we finished our tour for today. But soon afterward, the real horror began...
Go on! Go on! I beg you, Apollo!
It began with a strange restlessness of my friend. He was eager to find out about the fishnet and the fishing boat where it came from. We found out it was the boat owned by Captain Sven. He worked exclusively for a seafood restaurant. Maybe you've heard about its famous cook, Osiris?
Yes, I think I've read his gravestone inscription lately...
But there were other things going on with poor Shrimpo... his body seemed to change... His skin became harder and harder, like the shell of a shrimp. His hands became more and more like scissors. And strange antennas were growing out of his head. Soon he wasn't able to hide these changes anymore, and he no longer left his chamber at all...
Hmm... yes, I think we saw the result. Didn't you consult a healer, or a mage? Maybe they could have helped him...
Yes, I once made the suggestion to send for a healer from Aleroth, but he didn't like the plan. Then I brought a mage to him, who I met in the Drunken Orc Inn, but Shrimpo simply slit his throat with his scissors.
Holy Gods! And you did nothing? Didn't you call the guards?
But they simply would have killed my good friend Shrimpo. And he wasn't responsible for this deed. It was the fault of these voices he heard all night...
Voices?
Yes, he once told me about them. He heard voices, strange voices, calling him the warrior of Atlantos, the angel of revenge, El Shrimpo, the protector of living sea creatures...
And what happened next?
After three long and horrible weeks, the transformation was finally complete. Then he began leaving his chamber at night, and he always came back shortly before sunrise.
I believe it was that time, when he killed all the people who are lying in these graves around here...
One morning, he didn't come back and I heard about a massacre. There was a rumor about a ... beast ... who had slain everybody in a sea food restaurant... everybody, including the guests, the bard who was playing there, the ship captain and his crew, the cook... But it wasn't Shrimpo's fault, no he wasn't responsible...
All the dead people...
My poor Shrimpo... Since then, I've looked for him... But in all these years, he'd never been seen... until today... Of course, there were signs... slaughtered people in this graveyard from time to time...




You get more choices here. You get XP for the first, and the last (maybe), but not the middle one, and one choice gives you more XP than the others...

It's a pity for your friend, Apollo. But I think it was better that I've killed him. Obviously he had to be near these graves f or all eternity to kill everyone who is reading the inscriptions on these stones. Now his soul might finally come to rest.
Hmmm... yes, stranger... maybe you're right... poor Shrimpo, we never should have traveled under the sea. The Holy gods were punishing us for looking into things that were not meant for us mortal beings... But now my heart is light and happy again... Thank you, stranger, for bringing me back on the right path again... May the Gods always be with you...
May the Gods be with you, Apollo...
30000 XP

Option 2
It was all your fault, old man. The Gods were punishing you for looking into things that were not meant to be seen by mortal beings. I believe a place in hell is reserved for you too.
This ends the conversation, no XP for this, not even if you kill him afterward.

Option 3
A nice fairy tale, old man. If you were a friend of the monster who killed all these people, I should consider telling the guards about you... or maybe kill you right here by myself...
This also ends the conversation, but it doesn't force you into combat. You need to initiate that yourself.




54000 XP


Next Time: Den of Thieves





Behind the Scenes

Just a reminder - I made up absolutely none of that. That's all transcribed verbatim from the game.

Graveyard Map


On the left is the Church, which we will visit early on in Act 4 as part of (three) side quests, and on the right in the house of the graveyard's caretaker, Paul. He isn't interesting, his house isn't interesting, except that you can break in the back door and search his four bookshelves for spellbooks, but I won't be needing to do that either.