Part 6: Doug Fact: As far as I'm concerned, this is the real version of "Bangin' on a Trash Can"

Doug Fact: As far as I'm concerned, this is the real version of "Bangin' on a Trash Can"

Note: To play along with this thing type in this thing: N1300599

Dear Journal,

I have no idea what's going on anymore. This town feels empty as hell ever since Wal-Mart moved in, shut down most of the local businesses, then decided it was more profitable to move to Bloatsburg. Everyone just seems kind of expressionless...mindlessly wandering around...going through the motions.

I was one of them. Looking for Patti for the second day in a row, I was beginning to feel numb all over.

I walked out of the detention room still looking for Patti. I decided to ask Chalky if he had seen her. His breath is so minty fresh that I get a little serotonin rush whenever we talk. He's a horribly magnificent person.




Doug: Have you seen Patti anywhere today?
Chalky: The Beets' fare-well concert is tonight. I bet Patti's in the Weekly Beebe Office getting ready to cover the big show!

I'd completely forgotten about the concert! I was technically even on assignment to do an illustration for the paper. I walked down to the news room, but an unpleasant surprise was waiting for me. Roger Klotz. He'd left the detention room and was rummaging through Guy's stack of vintage Cracked Magazines.




Roger: Funnie, what are you doing here? Writing a story on losers for the school paper?
Doug: I'm looking for Patti.
Roger: She just left with Guy! They're going to the Beets concert later.
Doug: Um--really? Well, so am I. I bought my ticket weeks ago.
Roger: Well, you won't be able to get backstage without that press pass, Einstein. Got it?
Doug: No, I can't find it.
Roger: I bet Guy has it. And now you'll never catch up with him, Lame-Boy!
Doug: So where are they?
Roger: Why should I tell you?


Journal, did I ever tell you that Roger is the biggest piece of shit in the history of humankind?

I decided to call Skeeter.




Mr. Bone: Who's intruding on my quiet time?
Doug: Mr. Bone?
Mr. Bone: Is this Funnie? You're bothering me. What is the meaning of this?
Just...uh, wondering how your yodeling is going.
Mr. Bone: Just fine, Funnie. Now hang up and leave me alone.
Doug: Great. That's all I wanted to know. Bye...

Apparently he went home and forgot about Roger's detention. At least I was off the hook.

I had no idea where to go so I prayed to Nuestra Dama de las Remolachas for a sign...



Then it hit me! Go back to Racoon Records again! I went to the mall.




And sure enough, Guy was there looking through the Kidz Bop section. He says he buys it "ironically", but I dunno.



Doug: Hey, Guy!
Guy: What's up, Doug? Ready to cover the Beets concert? I need a cartoon for the front page story.
Doug: Do you have my press pass? I need it to get backstage.
Guy: Why would I have your pass, Doug?
Doug: Well, Roger said...
Guy: Roger...your blue pal with the long nose, right?
Doug: Hmm...Sorry, Guy. I just thought that...Never mind.
Guy: A good reporter always keeps up with his own pass, Doug. Find it. I need that cartoon!
Doug: Great! Now what am I supposed to do?


I went back to school to talk to Roger again, but decided to call Skeeter for advice.





Monroe Yoder: Hey, hey, we're the Beets.
Doug: Wow, I'm talking to an actual Beet?
Monroe Yoder: You are!
Doug: Hey, how did you... Are you guys...
Monroe Yoder: We'll be .performing soon at a Bluffington hot spot. Stay tuned! Good-bye!
Doug: Wait! Oh, man! Wait 'til Skeeter hears about this!

I was happy to get at least something nice out of this idiotic exercise. I wen back to the Beebe to talk to Roger who obviously just fucking stole my pass when I was trying to get the drawing from him.




Doug: That was a dirty trick, Roger!
Roger: What gives, Funnie?
Doug: Guy doesn't have my press pass. In fact, I bet you do!
Roger: Dream on, loser. Why would I care? Why are you all about blaming me?
Doug: Man, Roger. You turn everything around! You can't always get away with that! Not forever...





Doug: All right, Roger. I know you have it. Hand it over!
Roger: Calm down, Funnie. If you wanted it back so badly, you should've just said so. Man. Here you go.
Doug: I don't get you, Roger. Thanks, I guess.

Someday I'm gonna kick him square in the nuts.
Doug.