Part 6: Episode VI: In Which Inuart is a Fuckstick
Episode VI: In Which Inuart is a Fuckstick
Welcome to Chapter 2: Complications. All complications predominately found in this chapter will be a direct result of Inuart being a leaky vagina.
At this point in the game, the main world map is opened up. With it come the options of continuing progress in the plot or "Expedition" missions. Expedition missions open up upon the completion of an area in Story Mode. So, what is an Expedition mission?
Grinding! It is just replaying story areas, both aerial and ground, without Lieutenant Flipthefuckout yelling at Caim over the loudspeaker and Red making vague remarks about how much humans suck.
So, here we have the world map. It really is bugging me looking at it now. I get this weird sense of déjà vu... I wonder what that's all about...
Oh right! I remember now!
It is Europe rotated 180° clockwise. Well, I wouldn't read into the significance of that too much. There's not much of a correlation between the actual Europe and Drakengard's flimflam Europe. Indeed, let's just take a look at a few landmarks on the Drakengard map.
Over vaguely around Reverse-Romania is the Goddess' castle from Chapter 1. This is one location we will never be returning to during this game. Though, Free Expedition Castle Environs is the best place to grind for weapon upgrades due to the massive amount of low level enemies.
Our next stop is the Elves' village, which seems to be situated in Another-Austria. The forest of Chapter 2 itself seems to span across parts of Sham-Switzerland all the way to Bizarro-Bulgaria.
The Empire itself is situated over in the foul lands of... Notspain! Their capital appears to be some bizarre caricature of a September 10th Manhattan...uhh...
Moving right along...
Verse 1: The Voice
Miley Cyrus...
Actually, they lied. It's a camp in the middle of a sandy field. Time for another Event Stage. This one actually has a few NPCs we can chat to sort of like a J-RPG. They even have nothing useful to say. Also,
"I said WAR! Huh... Good god, y'all! What is it good for?"
"..." "Absolutely nothing...say it again!" <glare> "I'll just... I'll go back to work now..."
Seeing as how there are actually three soldiers in-game right now, aside from Caim, I'd say our numbers are through the roof.
Sir Mix-a-Lot's break dancing skills were greatly respected in Caim's old kingdom.
Those Empire jerks ruined everything for Caim. They massacred his family, destroyed his kingdom, screwed over his shot at royalty. I wonder how things would have turned out differently if the Empire wasn't around and Caim went on to be king.
Actually, you know maybe it's best not to think about that...
Well, the probability of you surviving to the end of the game is slightly better than the Redshirt Union Soldier shitting himself over there so...
Oh, come on. They're elves. You know they're not doing anything important. Elves never do anything important by themselves. They just sit around smoking peyote in the woods until someone stumbles in with a wacky adventure for them. No, this does not mean you should point out counter examples to the contrary. I don't care.
Anyhow, speaking with Inuart triggers the next cutscene.
The expansionist Empire from Notspain invading Reverse-Romania took a pit stop in-between locations and attacked the neutral zone? Well color me surprised.
"Nonsense! A pact-beast may have powers, but I believe only my own eyes. Come on! We're going to the village now!"
"I can fly, you know. I can see the village burning from up here. Massive dark plumes of smoke with the scent of death acco-" "We go now!"
Furiae collapses due to what a dipshit Inuart is turning out to be.
"Other than the entire army that wants to slay me, the dead parents, psychotic brother, and the seal holding back unspeakable evil resting on my shoulders? Sure, I am fine."
"We must find you a place to rest! Come! Let us march through several kilometers of woods."
"So...you are all just going to ignore me? Hello? Is anyone listening. I am willing to fly one of you up here to confirm the burning village. Hello? Helloooo? Oh, forget it."Verse 2: To the Elf Village
Time for the second aerial mission. Oh boy. In Drakengard, aerial missions are for the most part just filler. At least early on in the game. Late game they are the realm of boss fights and frustration. But, for now they are mostly an excuse to slay swaths of enemies to lengthen gameplay time.
Giant bats are the only new enemy to be found in this stage. They attack using ring shaped blasts of sound. This isn't all too different from the cannon balls dirigibles and airships fire. Only there is a larger damage area, so they must be dodged sooner.
Bats all go down in the single hit, but they tend to travel in huge clusterfucks of twenty or more so to overcome that frailty. It's best to stay mobile and dodge in a direction after firing off every attack.
Little known fact: Dragonheart was historical fiction.
Airships and Gargoyles round out the enemy list for this verse. I didn't get a good shot of Gargoyles last time we saw them so...here you go: it's a neon trimmed stone refrigerator with wings. Neat.
Inuart replaces the disembodied freaking out Union Soldiers with his personal brand of wrist cutting moping.
I don't think the fact the village is there has ever come into question. It is more of a matter if "the elf village is razed to the ground and piled high with elf corpses".
It's the latter.
Verse 3: The Untrod Path
Right... I had to look it up to make sure untrod was a real word. Between this and the weapon story this stage, I think someone busted out a thesaurus for this verse. Caim and Red's first aim is to take out a pair of ballista operators. Not the ballistae themselves. Those don't actually do anything. Well...neither does the operator for that matter... But, details...
"The town I know the location of must be where I already know it to be! It must be!"
The ballista operators, as said, don't actually do anything. Well, outside of standing in place and cranking an invisible crank next to the devices. But, these jerks are still threats none the less.
This is mostly due to their enormous entourage of crossbowmen. Flying Red in the remote vicinity of a ballista will result in in being stuck with more arrows than whatshisface at the end of The 300.
"I already told you the village has fallen. I heard a voice from one of the elves residing there. They said:"
"Oh god stop stabbing me no...! Stop stabbing me! Nooo what are you doing?! What is he doing? No... NO! Not the bees! AUUUUUUGGGGGHHHH! They're in my eyes! My eyes! AURGHAFFFA!!!" "It just became unpleasant after that."
After taking out by ballista squads, the new target becomes about a dozen or so heavy armored units. This is actually an optional objective. Just blowing past to the bridge changes nothing.
But, murdering the shit out of all the targeted heavies before setting foot on the central bridge unlocks a new weapon. So there was much bloodshed as a result of Caim's lust for loot.
The elf village, shockingly enough, lies at the other end of the linear path. I suppose they wanted to stay hidden and all. But the giant wooden bridge across a huge chasm in the middle of the woods was a wee bit of a giveaway. Especially, when living in a world with flying creatures and airships patrolling the skies.
Uhhhh... No. Of course not. The 238 soldiers I have slain was clearly just a light foot patrol.
Once the bridge is cleared, the final objective is just to make it to the village. Murder along the way is optional, but recommended.
The telepathic flying dragon was right after all? No fucking way, Inuart. No fucking way...
Time for a new weapon showcase!
Said Tyrant was not the most creative when it came to naming.
Well, now we have an axe that looks like a hammer and a hammer that looks like an axe in our armory. It's time for another bad bedtime story.
The tragic tale of Scientology.
Tune in next time for some actual plot progression not involving filler due to Inuart being a dipshit. Though, Inuart will continue to be a dipshit. Don't worry about missing that...
Bonus Content:
Movie -
Inuart is a Reasonable Man
Music -
Aerial Mission - Chapter 2
Ground Mission - Chapter 2