Part 2

Back in the bar, our hero, Jesus, is faced with his greatest challenge yet: the Dungeon Explorer password system. The strange part about all this is that for some reason, the bartender speaks directly to us and arranges the game, taking our password and spawning our characters directly into the middle of the dance floor. Something tells me he knows more than he lets on.

: You have some powerful magic, barkeep. Tell me of your homeland.
: ... u want drinkz?
: No, I uhh... forget it.

We leave the bar and go back to the king for some more information. Last I heard, that Bullbeast had the ORA stone and hey guess what all he had was some fruity glowing sequin so what the fuck, mate?

: sup dawg
: Yeah, I gave at the office.
: ...

Well, I would have found the ORA, but someone lied to me about where it was. <>

He tells me to go to Melba Village and kill something called the "Gutworm". I get the feeling that he names all these monsters himself. Apparently, that passageway that Judas was blocking leads right to the next dungeon -- what a coincidence.

Back outside, I decide to go into one of the few houses that actually has a door, and encounter this friendly fellow, who is always ready to offer sage advice that might lead me to the wonderful ORA stone.

...thanks, chief.

I saunter back to the first dungeon and push that stupid rock out of the way. We head down the stairs Judas was blocking () and find ourselves in the secret back room, where whoever owned these stables before the aliens arrived was storing something very important under the ground.

The bodies of his victims.

Protip: Zombies can only move in straight lines vertically or horizontally. I guess when you die, the part of your brain that interprets diagonals dies with you. Live and learn, I guess. VV

We navigate a few more twisting passages made of tightly packed hay (or as I call it, kindling), and head up a bunch of stairs to find ourselves...

In the middle of a village?

Apparently this village is overrun with enemies similar to that first glowing green jerk we ran into on level 1. Something tells me, however, that these creatures are hundreds of times more sinister and dangerous.

The difference? These bastards are blue.

Whoever built this village liked to pile dirt into what appear to be skiing moguls. These moguls are completely impassible, as well, as it would seem that adventurers really do not like to walk uphill or jump. It's too bad, too, because there's something really great behind that foot-high wall of sand.

I want I want I want!!! That green ... whatever ... won't let me push these rocks, though. What is it with these assholes and not letting me push rocks? You're in league with Judas, aren't, you, you green piece of shit? <>

I'll be back for you. Just you wait.

We head down the stairs to the north to what is presumably another dungeon just sitting around in a village for no reason. I guess maybe this one will be sandy and medieval and full of green bulbous bastards blocking my passage so that I have to take the long wa--

Help! I'm somewhere where I don't know where I am! Part of me begins to wonder if I've been hitting the King's 'special magicks' a little too hard. The rest of me kicks into instinct and does what it does best.

Don't fuck with the Jesus, you anachronistic pieces of shit.

At least the demon-spawning clitorises are gone. Those things were seriously starting to turn me on creep me out. I run through this inexplicable fire-spouting machinery with my eyes closed, shooting off knives at everything I hear, until something familiar calls to me from my side. A human voice!

He's... just... hanging out here, in a little corner of the dungeon.

: Thanks for the advice, friend, but are you sure you don't want to come with me? I could rescue you.
: Nah, I'm cool. Gotta wait for the next adventurer to come along after you've been slaughtered further down.
:
: Bye now!

He shoves me down another flight of stairs and onto a cold metal floor populated by robotic spiders that shoot fire at me. Not only do they shoot fire at me, but they do it in an easily recognizable pattern that makes it really easy to dodge. Oh, the humanity.

: 1... 2... 3... RUN. 1... 2... 3... RUN. 1... 2... hey what the hell is that red th--- AUUUGGHHHHH
: 100101110110010

The only problem is that if you take too long on the flaming jerks, you leave the holes open for too long and a piece of true evil finds its way out.

This bright fellow is Will o'the Wisp. Will is made of pure white death, and if you don't destroy all the enemy portals within a reasonable amount of time in a room, he pops his delightful head out and chases you. Not only can Will go through walls, but if you touch him, you're pretty much fucked. The good news is that you can kill him.

Jesus manages to take some time out of his busy schedule pissing himself in fear and takes this one out, running through the rest of the tunnels so that no more incarnations of Will can find him and further ruin his already rusty crotchplate.

Suddenly, we find ourself in a locked room with no way out. What could be -- OH GOD.

THIS GOD FORSAKEN DUNGEON IS INFESTED WITH THE BIGGEST PARASITES I HAVE EVER SEEN except for that time when my uncle Jim ate his doughnut even after it fell in my sandbox and he got really sick and when they opened him up during the autopsy worms the size of elastic bands spilled out from every organ and the doctor threw up into his lungs.

True story.

...

EAT KNIVES, YOU SICK FUCKS.

The Gutworm goes down like a bitch. A bitch who depletes my hitpoints to one and spits on my boots just to rub it in. A mean bitch. And of course, it leaves behind another sparkling sequin. Great, I think I see a pattern emerging I wonder what happens when I collect them all.

Well look at that, level three and a bunch more hitpoints. Jesus is moving up in the world! Up a few flights of stairs and we find ourselves...

Oh, look who it is. Mr. No-Rock-Push. <>

Wait here, I'm going to spend the next day or so wailing on him until he assplodes because God damn it...

NOBODY FUCKS WITH THE JESUS.


Next Time: "What's this? A Princess in a cage? Don't mind if I do. "