Part 169: Reason

I came home, trained with Saber in the dojo, then Fuji-Nee came home and I made dinner, we ate it together and now it's already past eight.

Music: Gentle Everyday


"Could you be a famous swordsman in your country, Saber-chan? Shirou's been like a different person ever since you started teaching him."




"I am surprised about that as well. But it seems Shirou has a different teacher, so it is not my doing."
We're drinking the after-meal tea now.

""
It's good that Fuji-Nee and Saber are getting along.
I don't want to interrupt, so I'll quietly drink tea and rest my body that is tired from training with Saber.



He is. With a man


"It seems he is not conscious of it. But I have decided to tolerate it since the result is good.
…Shirou should learn techniques that are suited for him. His body is already fit, so all that is left is to learn how to move his body properly."



"Oh, exactly, Saber-chan. Shirou has been training all this time, so his body is really fit. It's just that he wasn't motivated until now."


"Training his body… I see, I am sure he would have trained his body having a dojo like that. Additionally, he had an opponent like you, so it is impossible for him to have no talent."

She nods emotionally and takes a sip of tea.
Then.


"No, it's been a long time since we last did kendo in there. That place wasn't used for kendo before you came here."
Fuji-Nee corrects Saber while biting on a rice cracker.



He prefers to use his shinai in the shed. Where he keeps his posters.

Saber looks at me with surprise.

"Huh? Well, no. I haven't used it since my father died."


"Yeah. Shirou was fighting Kiritsugu-san any chance he got, but he stopped using the shinai after Kiritsugu-san died. I'm so sad."

Munch, munch.
Fujimura Tiger nibbles on the rice cracker while resting her head on the table.



When Fuji-Nee acts like this, the conversation always goes to


"Man, I wonder why. He was such a kendo boy back then, but he's just a bum now. I can't say he had talent for swords, but he was pretty good in archery. But he quit, you know?"

"As I thought. Fuji-Nee, stop talking about the past. That's just really negative."
I glare at her.



Phew.
It seems she's done now.



"Gah……!"
So why do you have to bring the conversation back up again, Saber!?


"What? Do you want to hear about it?"




"Yes, I am curious."


"All right! Then I shall tell you all about him!"
…The morale of Fujimura Taiga's army goes up due to the reinforcements brought on by Saber.

Music: Stop

""
…I guess it can't be helped. I don't want to interrupt, so I guess I'll drink tea silently.
I'll carry out my original intention of resting my body.

Music: Madder Red Town


"He's really twisted now, but he was really cute when he was a kid. He never doubted anyone, and he would do everything you asked him to do."

Always trying to help people. What a sick, twisted bastard.


"I see."


"But he had a stubborn side to him, and he rarely changed his mind once he decided on something. I guess he was the complete opposite of Kiritsugu-san in that regard."




"Yup. Kiritsugu-san was the kind that accepted everything. He thought that good and evil were different for each person. He took life real casually."
""


"But he would try to do something about it every time he saw someone in trouble, and Shirou was always trying to imitate Kiritsugu-san.


Shirou was more particular than Kiritsugu-san, so he went and beat up the bullies, saying bad things are bad.
Yeah, Shirou's been trying to be a superhero since then."

Fuji-Nee happily talks about boring things.
And beside Fuji-Nee…


"…? Why do you try to be a superhero?"
Saber asks me a natural question.

"Well. It's hard to explain. I guess it's because I admire them."


"Admire…? You admire superheroes?"
"…Hm… I guess so."
It's embarrassing if she says "superhero" outright.



"Well…"

Music: Stop

I realize at that moment.
…There's no reason.
Emiya Shirou has admired superheroes since he was a child.
I kept on running so that I could be of help to people, so that I could help people who were sad.

That does not change even now.
But the reason behind it…
Why did I try to be "of help to people"?



""
That's the answer.
That was the end of the person that meant everything to me.
He died peacefully because of a simple statement I made.
…I wanted to protect that trust he had in me.
Even after he died.
So that he would be able to rest in peace.



Music: Madder Red Town



""
I hear my name and get a hold of myself.

"Oh, sorry. I'm going to my room now."
Driven by an unknown uneasiness, I get up.



"…Why? What am I scared of?"
An uneasiness that I don't understand myself…
A shapeless fear, an attacking nausea…
I hurry to my room, bearing the headache.

Music: Stop



""
I can't sleep tonight either, so I stare into the darkness.
It's not that I can't sleep because I'm conscious of Saber.
'Why do you try to be a superhero?'
It's because of those words.
That question is still in my brain.

""
She asked me why, and I answered "because I admire them".
…It's obvious why I ran away right then.
Becauseif she had asked me why I admired them, I wouldn't be able to come up with an answer.

""
No, I have an answer.
But I'm unconsciously restraining myself from ever saying it.

"The reason to be a superhero…"
…Why ask that now?
I was just desperate to be like Kiritsugu when I was a child.
I admired superheroes becausethere was an ideal I could not make come true.





The true form of the ideal I have, no, the ideal I've had since ten years ago.
I glared into the sky,
thinking that if I could save someone, it would be a lie unless I could save everything.

""
But which one is the lie?
The ideal called a superhero that I've admired.
…The older I get, the more Emiya Shirou strays from the ideal.
The ignorant child that did not know of limits has learned of limits through knowledge.

What cannot be saved cannot be saved.
A miracle is something too big for humans.

""
But I believed I could be like Kiritsugu when I grew older.
But all I obtained was the wisdom to conclude that an ideal is just an ideal.
All I can do are remedial measures.
Even though I've been attacked with the fact that it's meaningless, I've continued to do whatever I could.
Thinking that it's good enough if one person is saved by my actions.

…Even though my objective is to save as many lives as I can, I've lost a lot of things on the way. But I continued so that I wouldn't lose.
Even if I'm battered by reality, I can keep standing if I don't accept the loss, even if I'm only bluffing.
That ideal…
The ideal not to hurt anyone is beautiful.

I'll make your dream…

Yes, I just thought that…
If nobody was going to do it, I would inherit his dream myself.

That's why I must become a superhero.
I have to succeed Kiritsugu and protect what he admired.
If I can create no victims and if everyone can keep living peacefully, how good would it



"…! Shut up! You never know until you try…!"