Part 204: Your distortion

""
Her eyes will never open again.
Looking closely, the girl is not white at all.
She has red all over her, and she looks nothing like she did before.



You know, right? We couldn't have saved her."

I know.
I've been taught that there are people I can save and people I cannot save.
I know it'll put my own life in danger if I try to do something beyond my capabilities.

But still…
I still wanted to save her.
I don't want a child dying in front of me.
I don't want anyone dying in front of me.
It is more painful and scary than anything else not to be able to save someone asking for help.

""
There's no way I can apologize, and I don't know her well enough to apologize to her.
This girl is unrelated to Emiya Shirou.
I know that without having to be told, so why?

", Oh."
Why are these eyes crying?



"…Why?

Music: The End of Reminiscence

You should have known we'd be killed if we appeared in front of him.
So why did you try to save Ilyasviel?
No matter what the results may be, she was our enemy.
So how can you go so far for her sake?"

Is it an inquiry?
Tohsaka's eyes are serious.
"I have no reason. I stopped him because I just wanted to save her."



There's no other way to explain it.
After glaring at me…



Shirou. Your way of life is really distorted."
…She tries to open a lid that I've kept closed for so long.

Music: THIS ILLUSION (piano ver.)

"Distorted…?"


"That's right. It's wrong to live thinking that others are more important than you.
Look, I'm not talking about the common opinion that we save others so we can be loved.
With such hypocrisy aside, we have to put ourselves first.

Well, there are people with others as their priority.
But you're something 'special' that you can't put on the scale. It's like the scale itself. So why do you try to destroy that scale to save someone you don't even know?



You can't pretend you are not living for yourself when you have such a strong sense of personal conviction and self-awareness.
If you continue something like this, you'll eventually break down."






…So tell me. I don't know what happened to you ten years ago, but that must be why you're so screwed up…!"

Tohsaka looks like she's crying.
Why does she have to make a face like that?
It's as if…
…She knows I'll live a thankless life, so she's trying to stop me.


"…You were like this at school. You were so calm in front of all those bodies. …Even I mistook them for corpses, but you knew right away that they were alive."

"I always thought that it was strange.
You never had proper training as a magus, but you got calm every time you got into a fight to the death.
You would get enraged by seeing corpses, but you didn't feel any shock or disgust.
It's probably becausecorpses are something you got used to seeing. You saw something gruesome ten years ago, right?"

I got used to seeing them…?
Well, it's true that it wasn't my first time seeing a corpse.
The students at school, Rider who got her neck twisted off, and even this girl sleeping in front of me now… I think they've died a natural death compared to that time.








"'Saved'…? So you were saved from the fire ten years ago? And that was by Emiya Kiritsugu?"

"Yes. But that's it. That isn't the reason for anything."
My heart aches when I answer.
My body is telling me that it's a lie.


"Then was there something else? Something you're always regretting or something Emiya Kiritsugu took from you as compensation for saving you?"

"There's no such thing. Kiritsugu merely saved me. And you talk about taking something from me, but at that time…"



…I had nothing to give.







At that time…
I was empty, and I just admired something sacred…









"No. He didn't take anything away. I only received."

A world like hell.
In the place where everyone but me died, I was saved.
Nobody saved me, and I wasn't able to save anybody.
And at the very end, he granted something that I thought was a miracle.

"I remember. Those eyes that looked down at me and the voice pleading for me to live.
At that time, I thought not about the fact that I was saved, but the fact that someone's there to save me… The fact itself is…"

It's so wonderful, and it's such a miraculous thing.
That's why I admired it.
I had nothing, and there was nothing remaining in me, I admired the first thing that came into my sight.



That's the only thing I had.
That's the only emotion I felt after I was saved.
I was happy.
I cried.
That's all I could think about.
Sothat's all the emotion I could create



"But I was the only one who got saved. I thought about it at that time.
That if such a thing happened again, I would save everyone in place of all those I could not save then."



Look, if you were saved, take care of yourself! I'm sorry for the people who got killed, but it's only by chance that you were saved!


Then you should take full advantage of your good fortune. You suffered such a hell, so it'll be a waste if you don't have fun!"

Tohsaka is seriously angry.
""
Yeah, that makes me happy.
I finally realize now, because Tohsaka is that kind of person.



But it's so clear now.
It's because of this person that is seriously angry for my sake.



You really make me mad. If you're really that stupid, I'll break my allian"
"I know. I told you you're right, didn't I?"



I realize there's something wrong with me. But it's all right.
Because there's no way that wanting to help people can be a mistake."

Music: Stop







…Geez, I can't say anything if you make a face like that."
Maybe it got awkward, as Tohsaka turns and walks away.

And then…



"Well, I guess it can't be helped. I guess I'll do something about it."
She sighs as she says this.