Part 10: I've forever ruined opera
Chapter 9 - I've forever ruined opera
As I said last update, going with the Figaro brothers for this one.
Screw that. I'm going to jump off some more waterfalls. Coming, Sir Gau?
I must say, good chap, it is invigorating to jump off a mile-high cliff and risk death! I'll let you call me Mr. Thou if you stop talking like that. Thou! Thou!
Jidoor's probably our best bet, since it's closest to us and we have no real destination.
Also my thing about protecting women, in case you forgot.
After seeing your last victim, I don't think I'll be forgetting anytime soon.
Anyway, Espers! Locke gets Kirin, Celes gets Ramuh, Sabin gets Stray, and Edgar gets Siren.
Welp, we're done with Zozo. Our next step is to
CHAINSAW HORNETS.
Since magic learning rates are better, we actually start learning a few spells early on. Locke gets Cure and Celes gets Bolt rather quickly, and eventually Sabin will learn Imp, and I think Edgar learns Mute, though I'm not sure.
That's because I end up buying another esper, since this hack moves up the purchase of one of the magicites available at the auction house.
And thus I pick up Golem.
Name: Golem
Characters: Edgar, Sabin
Stats: Vigor +1, HP +15
Spells: Slow (4), Stop (2)
I end up giving Edgar Golem after a bit since it has more useful level-ups for Edgar than Siren's Magic and Speed.
I also pick up Flash and Drill tools for Edgar. I actually now have all of Edgar's tools since his last two got cut from the hack.
As for his tools, Flash inflicts darkness and seizure while still hitting a group. Chainsaw and Drill are pretty much the same, with Chainsaw being more powerful but also having a chance of inflicting instant death, whereas the Drill is more reliable.
OK, caught up with the party now. Let's do some plot.
Hold on. Celes looks like the famous opera star Maria?
I don't see it.
Hey, mail! Maybe there's money in there.
So who's this guy?
Airship, eh? That'd be much easier to do than trying to smuggle in on a ship. Well, I was hoping more for a flying dragon, but I guess it'll do.
So, the Opera House. This is one of the most memorable parts of perhaps the entire series. We see an actual opera unfold in front of us, complete with Celes singing along with one of the most-known music pieces of the series. Then we fight rats to stop an octopus from pushing a four-ton weight on the stage.
This hack doesn't really touch the actual opera dialogue, though it does a fantastic job in clarifying some stuff and making things more sensical. It keeps the beauty of this whole part while adding more character development and making everything flow a little more naturally.
That said, I'm going to make this entire sequence goofy as fuck, all without commentary.
So we happened to see an open letter and I accidentally saw a bit of it, because I normally never read someone else's mail. Anyway, that Setzer guy's going to steal your singer, right?
Yeah. I'm screwed.
Then we'll let him grab Maria.
I don't see how this makes any sense.
We've got a Maria look-alike right here, don't we?
Ever thought of a career change? I don't think we have any bards in the party right now.
You know how difficult it is to write when all you have are tentacles?-----
Oh boy! I've never been to an opera before! Really? I wouldn't have figured you the type to like them. How could I not? Nothing but buff men beating the crap out of each other until only one's left standing! What's not to like! Uhhh...
Hell yeah!
...We're leaving.
Yeah, I'm not digging this. You guys have fun watching this.
When are they going to get to the suplexes? Uh...I better check on Celes!
At least until I bring her back from the dead. I mean...
Aren't you gonna read the script? Wait, there's a script? I was just gonna make it up as I went along. I don't know. I'm not the type who watches these things. Whatever. I'm going to go sing whatever. I doubt anyone will be able to tell what's going on anyway.
Oh my Gooood, I am siiiinging, I don't knooooow what I'm dooooing. I'm just siiiiiinging, what I'm thiiiinking, and I hoooope no one seeeees... I'm a deee-coy, not Ma-ri-aaaaa, and I hoooope you can't hear wooooords. Becaaaause I don't know, if I can stretch thiiis, foooooor five more miiiiiinutes. 
I am now oooout, of woooords to siiiing, someone pleeease end this noooow. This iiiiis a trainwreck, we are sooo screeeewed, please eeeeend this farce right noooow!
Crap, I have to dance, too!
Ow, my foot!
OK, let's just toss these stupid flowers and make up some more words.
Though I'm throoooowiiiing, these damn flooooweeeers, they stiiiiill refuuuuse to faaaaaaall. IIIIIIII have no cluuuuue, whaaaaat I've done wroooong, theeeeese flowers should faaaaall.
Fiiiinalllllly. About damn tiiii-iime, I was goooooonna rip them uuuuuup. I hoooope thaaaat, I neeeever have toooo, siiiing eveeer more.
Holy crap, they somehow loved me! I'm sick of people throwing these stupid flowers at me! This seat sucks, I'm going back to the balcony.
Whatever. As long as I don't have to sing anymore.-----
HEY! DANCE FASTER!
THANK YOU!
Granted, I'm tone deaf and had my ears plugged the entire time, but at least you looked good!
Why the hell would an octopus have a bitter feud with an opera director? And what's with the horrible handwriting? Oh well, better share the news.
Why do you keep reading my mail? Why does the octopus hate you anyway? He wrote an opera he wanted me to produce. It was impossible to read, and what I could make out was so explicit that it would've made even our least-prudish patrons blush.
I don't get it. How the hell is an octopus going to ruin what has already been the biggest travesty of my career?
Really? Just when we were finally getting to some action!
Say cheese!
Oh crap! Hold on, I have an idea.
...So much for that.
Hey...now I've got an idea!
My career is over.
This is idiotic beyond belief, but it's not like I have a future anyway!
What the hell is he talking about? I don't know. Let's beat him up!
Edgar, do something about that, would you?
Dammit, Edgar! There's kids in the audience!
If you want to do something yourself...
God, shut up!
Oh God dammit! Do something, Sabin! Right!
I've fucking had it with this guy!
FINALLY.
Hey, that whole spinning thing was cool. Could you do that again?
Sure thing!
Dammit, Sabin! It's been fun, but I've got better things to do now! Let's fly, baby!
And he can fucking fly!?
Well, that certainly turned out well, right?The Jidoor Review posted:
My fellow patrons,
When I heard that my dear friend Dancho was writing up another opera, "The Dream Oath," I was quite excited. Dancho has written some of the best operas of our generation, and I made sure to be there for the grand opening. I've been a fan of the great Maria for years, and this story looked to be one for the ages.
In all my years, I have never seen such a disaster. There were all sorts of technical difficulties, from power outages to people literally falling on the stage. Was someone just randomly flicking switches up there? Then, the choreography. Oh dear. People getting run over by chocobos, laughable fight scenes, and a dance number that just got dizzying. And then there's Maria. Oh, where do I start with her?
She clearly did not know her lines, she sung like an amateur, and I'd never seen someone act with less grace. She even managed to screw up something as simple as tossing flowers off a balcony! Who is this person, and what has she done with the real Maria? Her career will be over after such an abysmal performance.
Then the story falls apart near the end of Act One, when suddenly some people and an octopus fall in. Then they fight the octopus? And then some guy swoops in and kidnaps Maria? They introduced so many characters in that time and completely derailed whatever semblence of story they still had.
The only shining part of this disaster was the guy who kept shouting insults throughout the entire thing. Though I usually find such things juvenile, this trainwreck deserved such scorn, and I applauded when he ended up on stage and started showing off his martial art prowess. Clearly he has more business being in opera than anyone else involved. After he left at the end of Act One, as did I, and everyone else in the audience.
I cannot be clearer here. The Dream Oath is the biggest insult to opera since "Moogles." The singing was awful, the production was abysmal, and the plot was nonsensical. I will personally see to it that the only work Dancho will ever find in the Opera House again will be janitorial, because he sure has a lot of crap to clean up here.
Owzer
The Jidoor Review
