Part 123: Chapter the Fifth: Wherein I fervently pray for our ultras to glass multiple referees.
Chapter the Fifth: Wherein I fervently pray for our ultras to glass multiple referees.November 28, 2021-December 18, 2021
Dear Santa, I would like five wins in five games.
Thank you,
A grown man playing a video game in June.
Would you look at that. We play a megabastard, we get on TV.
At Derby County, November 30, 2021
Premier League
Derby are in eighth place, and drew their last game before winning the four prior. That's enough to get us considered underdogs by the betting public, and gives me bulletin board material for the boys to get their dander up about being disrespected. I wouldn't want to be in Derby's boots after my agitating is complete.
Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Control
Starting 11: El Sayed, Pejkovic, Laux, Todd, Suslov, Dixon, Morvan, Nieddu, Shirra, Mujkic (c), Bastable.
Subs: Kovacevic, Mejasic, Feruga, Julio, Matko, Cardozo, Arts.
Nieddu only needs one shot to score the kill, and we're off to the races. Bastable adds his 50th league goal for the club, and he's now only eight goals from Billy the Kid's modern day record. He's still less than a third of the way to the actual club record, which was set by Tommy Bamford between 1928-1934, but I'll have more on that when we next play Manchester United. We miss chances after the two early strikes to put us ahead by three, but we're still looking alert and dangerous rather than complacent and lazy. That continues until we have a break in the action when our 19 year old defensive midfielder Ben Dixon goes down in the 40th minute and can't continue. It's a shame, I was giving him a spot start so that Morvan could play the box-to-box role and give Petts a rest and until his injury he was playing well.
The half ends after we get our third goal from a penalty. It's awarded when Todd is shoved away from an incoming corner, and the Golden Boy Shirra converts. When the ref mercifully whistles the first half dead Derby has not had a single shot, and the announcer states that the game is as good as over. That's proven to be without a doubt not long after play resumes when the dispirited Derby faithful witness a Meteor strike from a 25 yard free kick that bends into the far corner. There was no way anyone short of Dhalsim could have saved it. With fifteen minutes left the Derby right back has seen enough, and gets himself sent to the showers early after picking up his second yellow card. A man down they're even more hapless than before and the Bastard just won't let them be. He gets a great first touch on a long pass upfield from Nieddu to beat his man and scores his second of the day with six minutes remaining, and then nets his hat trick when he's again fed by Nieddu and nods a perfect header past the flat-footed keeper. It's our widest margin of victory in a competitive match since another 6-0 romp back in the League One days of 2017.
Man of the Match: The Bastard of Wrexham.
Derby 0-6 Wrexham
As much as I don't want Dixon's development impaired I'd much rather he get hurt in a spot start rather than lose Morvan or Mair.
Nieddu was amazing the last game, with a goal and three assists. He's now at 9 goals and 11 assists through 19 games this season. But as this is only the second year of his deal I won't be talking about a new contract until we get into 2023. He'll just have to wait and be happy knowing that the longer I wait the more it will cost me to re-up him.
Kneel before my pile of tacky trophies!
The shortlist and their real world counterparts, as best I can figure:
Mattia Barbot = World class Swiss right winger, was a 21 year old winger at Basel when game started. He could be a wrong-nationality Mohamed Salah, or he could be fictional.
Steve Collecott = Raheem Sterling, now with Man United. Damn you, United!
Luis = Cristian Tello of Barcelona, maybe?
Mattias Mercado = Erik Lamela
Joaquin Morales = Lionel Messi
Matias Troyansky = Roberto Pereyra of Udinese, I think.
Not a single one of our players was among the 35 shortlisted. Almost all of the names are on the big megabastards. Before every match against a team with a player on the shortlist I'm going to post up the list with those names circled and write “The world thinks they're better than you. Show them the truth.”
I have no plans to sell him, but if they offer seven figures I have to say yes. Feruga is a good centerback, but not that good.
This will give us an extra day between our Arsenal fixture and the City cup quarterfinal. It also means we'll be a game behind the league until we play the rescheduled match against United.
The 2022 World Cup draw drops, and England is given an insultingly easy path through their group.
Hahaha, the USA is so toast. Two great teams and the USMNT's bête noire that've thumped them thrice in the past four world cups. They won't get a single point.
Australia is in a group with Poland and Nigeria. Bastable and Mujkic could definitely drag them to the knockout round. We'll have to see how Football Manager sims games in the 120/50 degree Qatari summer.
At Newcastle United, December 4, 2021
Premier League
Newcastle are on the edge of the relegation zone in their first year back up and clearly not the team they were three years ago before their shocking drop to the Championship. Arsenal just keep winning, we need to do so as well to keep up.
Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Control
Starting 11: Kovacevic, Cirjak (c), Laux, Todd, Suslov, Mair, Petts, Nieddu, Shirra, Mujkic, Bastable.
Subs: El Sayed, Pejkovic, Feruga, Morvan, Julio, Taborda, Cardozo.
Meteor strikes after 14 seconds and 16 total touches between six players to start the match. It's a fine piece of ball movement, and a clinical finish from our left winger. We're on top at intermission thanks to that goal as Newcastle did a good job defending after that disastrous opening, but as per usual our opponent had very few shots of their own, in this case just two. The second half sees us break down Newcastle repeatedly, and sealing the game with a Shirra goal with 20 minutes remaining. Newcastle see their last hopes dashed when the line judge flags offside on their only breakaway of the game, and we win with a solid effort and sensational ball movement.
Man of the Match: Meteor Mujkic
Newcastle 0-2 Wrexham
We haven't played Middlesborough since 2018, but a Championship team should be easy enough to topple in our house.
The Swans are not far from relegation, sitting in 15th. If they go down we're all that's left of Wales in the EPL. Cardiff certainly won't make a quick return to the league, they're sitting midtable in the Championship right now.
El Sayed is turning out to be a very good backup, he's now gone over 200 minutes since he last conceded a goal. He's exactly what we needed and will get ten or so starts a year in cup matches and league games in order to keep him sharp.
At Valencia, December 7, 2021
Champions League, Group B
Even if we win our group and get seeded, there's only going to be a handful of “easy” draws in the round of 16 and we are as likely to draw Manchester City or Borussia Dortmund as Rubin Kazan or Porto. I'm going to opt for playing some of the kids, because immediately after this come matches against Arsenal and Manchester City. If we scratch a result, hurrah, if we don't who cares.
Starting Formation: 4-4-1-1 Counter
Starting 11: Kovacevic, Pejkovic, Feruga (c), O'Hanlon, Mejasic, Matko, Morvan, Julio, Taborda, Argenti, Cardozo.
Subs: El Sayed, Cirjak, Ludwig, Alvaro, Shirra, Rouissi, Aarts.
There's gasps around the stadium again after just seconds of play, but this time it's for Elvedin Pejkovic, who was tripped and can't get up. Cirjak has to come on as the young defender is carried off the pitch. The ref looks away, refusing to take out any cards, an ominous sign. It quickly becomes apparent that the fix is in. Two penalties are given to Valencia in the first half hour, both converted by American star Brent Woods, and neither of them had any business being called a penalty.
They may have the ref, but we have El Juez. He strikes back in the 37th minute, and 90 seconds later his countryman Rodrigo Taborda pulls us level. We will not be denied by match fixing Hungarian heavies posing as refs. I have to make a second substitution at halftime, Dinko Mejasic has a 4.6 rating and barely avoided getting a second yellow card during first half stoppage time. Even the rookie Ludwig has to be better. He is. When El Juez drops the gavel in the 55th minute we've succeeded in taking the lead after the ref spotted Valencia two goals. They're still making deep, slicing runs on us, though, and with the injury to Pejkovic and having to pull the worthless Mejasic I have no more moves to make except ordering us to firm up and drop deeper.
In the 84th minute the game looks like it should be sealed when Alex O'Hanlon is body-slammed by a Valencia defender during a corner kick, but despite the protestations of the line judge the ref ignores the obvious penalty. His failure to uphold the law can have only one result, El Juez scoring less than two minutes later to earn his hat trick and put the game out of reach. We win after going down 2-0 on bullshit penalties, and being denied a clear penalty shout of our own. More than that, we win our group and are seeded for the knockout stage.
Man of the Match: Carlos Matias “El Juez” Cardozo
Valencia 2-4 Wrexham
That was only one of three terrible calls. It's a good thing we won or I'd have tracked that ref into the back alley where he was picking up his payment and perforated him with Liberty.
Heck. Right wing is a place where we have little to no cover. Piero Argenti is coming up to the senior squad to spell his countryman Nieddu while Matko's hammy recovers.
Heckity thump. That thug Mejasic is now the only person we have who can cover for our starters at both left and right back. I might be looking for reinforcements come January. I'll also have to think about canceling Pejkovic's loan, he's not going to be back until April and he'll cost us £120,000 while he's on the shelf.
Thanks to the salary bump for making the Champions League and my 20% yearly raise I'm now tied for highest paid coach in the world with Arsenal's top man, and my team just finished first in the group. You want me to take a pay cut to join the team that finished last in the same group? Shove off. I have a Versailles-plus mansion to build and then a Bat-cave to add underneath it, son.
vs. Arsenal, December 11, 2021
Premier League
This match will determine who's atop the Premier League, at least for the moment. We're three points back of the north London team, and ahead of them on goal differential. A win equals first place for at least a week, and our next league match is against 20th placed QPR so a win really equals first place for longer than that.
Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Control
Starting 11: Kovacevic, Cirjak (c), Laux, Todd, Suslov, Mair, Petts, Nieddu, Shirra, Mujkic, Bastable.
Subs: El Sayed, Mejasic, Feruga, Morvan, Julio, Raborda, Cardozo.
We keep coming up just inches from a goal at the opening of the match, and then the Golden Boy goes all the way in the 23rd minute. When Bastable doubles our lead moments later we've accounted for 20% of all the goals Arsenal has conceded in league play all season. From then on it's Arsenal's turn to try and get through our defense. Kovacevic makes a huge save on a near certain goal in the 59th minute, and Arsenal are not going down quietly. Even with a two goal lead 2/3rds of the way through the game I'm concerned. I have cause to be, they finally get back to one down with 11 minutes remaining, thonk the crossbar with four minutes remaining, and force Kovacevic into making a Buffon-esque save two minutes later before we escape their late rally with a victory.
Man of the Match: Vid Kovacevic.
Wrexham 2-1 Arsenal
We're in first place, jackasses! It's cropped out of the screenshot, but this is from tuttomercatoweb, an Italian football site. It's clear they haven't been paying close attention to the English game, or they'd know we were in the title chase until the penultimate week of last season and are fashionable dark horses for the title this year.
I hope this takeover isn't complete until February 2nd. And that the new owners replace AU-Moyes with their own man. At the very least I hope the turmoil throws off their equilibrium and they drop a bunch of points in the league.
Finally, some TV coverage where we're the bastard. At £875k per TV appearance the difference between having a dozen televised games and three dozen comes out to more than our entire wage bill in our first Premier League season.
Kovacevic saved the day for us. Having one of the best keepers in the league is really goddamned nice.
Have some faith in me, kid. Just look at the all-world talent I've developed at this club. Stick with me and in five years, you'll be where the Bastard is now.
Once we're back in the black I'm going to ask for a stadium expansion. Getting 20-25k fans per game will really improve our gate, and probably allow us to sell more season tickets as well.
vs. Manchester City, December 14, 2021
Capital One Cup, Quarterfinal
I want trophies. If I must fight my way through round after round of megabastard to do so I will. City are playing a number of backups, I'm not. We've got six days off after this game, and our next opponent is lowly Queens Park Rangers. I'm going hell bent for leather.
Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Control
Starting 11: Kovacevic, Cirjak (c), Laux, Feruga, Suslov, Morvan, Mair, Nieddu, Shirra, Mujkic, Bastable.
Subs: El Sayed, Mejasic, O'Hanlon, Todd, Cardozo, Taborda, Aarts.
This match was an exercise in frustration. I don't think they randomize the referees when you select fictional players, but if they named a referee Howard Webb randomly it's the greatest renaming ever. He was in his full crowning twerptastic glory today. Rocky Bastable puts the ball in the back of the net four times over the course of the game, but three are called back for offside. Meanwhile City strike twice in the first half, and spend the rest of the match waiting us out, knowing that every time we score it's just going to get whistled dead anyways. Every players' body language screams frustration all through the match, and we're defeated for the first time in eleven games, taking us out of the running for a piece of hardware. I don't even care that a couple of the offside calls were merited or that City's penalty was deserved after Cirjak was caught holding onto a shirt during a free kick, we just didn't get a single break and now we're out of the competition.
Wrexham 1-2 Man City
Suslov is out for the next two games, he's been every bit the difference-maker I'd been dreaming of since he came over from southern Germany. He's going to be replaced by budding Balkan gangster Dinko Mejasic for those games, who will hopefully not take the opportunity to earn more than a yellow a game.
We've got a five way tie for the prediction contest, so it's coming down to the goals scored tiebreaker.
Camoes says we'll score 120 goals.
Dreamsicle says we'll score 156 goals.
The Mattybee says we'll score 131 goals.
Nondevor says we'll score 115 goals.
blakout says we'll score 158 goals.
Right now the club is at 79 goals through 30 matches, with at least another 25 to go and up to 37 depending on how long we last in the FA Cup and the Champions League.
I was really, really hoping we'd pull Energy Drink Salzburg. Instead, Real Madrid gets the easy meat and we're up against German super-giants Bayern Munich. I'd be freaking out, but they've been mediocre the last few years and frankly aren't near the scariest team we could have pulled. They're still at least as good as Manchester City or Arsenal, though, so making it past them will be quite a feat.
Our training grounds aren't filled with players running stadiums or doing suicides. Instead we're inside watching game film and resting our legs for the upcoming month. We've been playing at least six games every four weeks so far this season, but things are going to get even more hectic in the spring.
Well, we're not going to do the Quadruple. But we're rightfully atop the table in the Premier League thanks to the offensive bollocking we've been giving the league. We've scored 40 league goals, seven more than second best Arsenal. And as much as I whinge about our defense, it's tied for fourth best in the league, shipping less than a goal a game. We've made it through a tough Champions League group to finish first, and while our draw could have been friendlier I think we can beat a Bayern Munich that currently sits third in the Bundesliga and which hasn't won a domestic title in four years. Christmas is coming, and I can hear the trophies clanging against each other in Santa's bag.
