Part 143: Chapter the Tenth: April Fools.
Chapter the Tenth: April Fools.April 1, 2023-April 20, 2023
The FA Cup semifinal. The Champions League quarterfinal. Two EPL matches, including one against Arsenal. Oh, and the CONCACAF U20 tournament. We could very easily lose four of five club matches and get bounced in the quarterfinals of the U20 tourney. Or I could win my first international tournament and see us advance to the final of the FA cup and reach new heights in the Champions League. I'm either going to end this update ecstatic or hobbled by despair.
Maybe Southampton will stay up, they're only three points from safety at the moment, though Sheffield does have a game in hand. That would be a heck of an escape considering where they were a couple months ago.
At Arsenal, April 1, 2023
Premier League
Chelsea are still in the Champions League, and I wouldn't put it beyond them to win the whole thing. That means we need to avoid finishing fourth at all costs, because I do not want us to get Spurs'd. Arsenal are tied with us on points, and both clubs have their lingering dreams of a Premier League crown pinned on winning all seven of their final matches.
Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Control
Starting 11: Kovacevic, Cirjak, Laux, Todd, Loseille, Mair, Petts, Collett, Taborda, Mujkic (c), Bastable.
Subs: El Sayed, Reed, Feruga, Bailey, Argenti, Stringel, Aarts.
Arsenal's star attacker Lee Nash scores a free kick golazo just 2 minutes into the game, but we don't stay down long. In the 9th minute Meteor picks out a completely unmarked Matty Collett at the far post for the equalizer, giving Collett a goal in his return to the Emirates. We can't keep it level, unfortunately, as Arsenal go back up when Todd misses a tackle and allows a 1v1 for Arsenal's star striker late in the first half. We don't rally after the interval, gifting away possession throughout, Richard Petts in particular has an abominable game to the point where I have to sub him off. Finally, Lee Nash kills us with another sensational goal late. We're not winning the title this year. We might well finish fourth.
Arsenal 3-1 Wrexham
At Napoli, April 4, 2023
Champions League, Quarterfinal
No time to cry over spilled milk, we're right back into the fire with a trip to Napoli. Except that there's also the US Under 20 team's match in Mexico against Trinidad and Tobago earlier in the day. My hologram was there, standing in the technical area and yelling at the players while I was in Naples for the hours prior to our match. So, the one thing we can't afford is getting blown out in the away leg. Napoli is not a better team than we are, but they may have the best player on the pitch in world class forward Dante Tortorici.
Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Control
Starting 11: Kovacevic, Cirjak, Feruga, Hammatt, Reed, Bailey, Petts, Argenti, Shirra, Mujkic (c), Bastable.
Subs: El Sayed, Loseille, Todd, Dixon, Morvan, Parr, Aarts.
When Napoli score in the 34th minute it had been coming all day. I switch to a 4-4-1-1 at halftime, hoping for an equalizer on the counter, but Bailey gives away a penalty and Napoli goes up 2-0. We're forced to chase the away goal, and we're back into the 4-2-3-1 with orders to chase it hard. As time winds down it doesn't look like we'll be able to grab it until Shirra delivers in the 83rd minute. We lose 2-1, but the next game is on our home turf. We can work with this.
Napoli 2-1 Wrexham
The kids smoked Trinidad and Tobago, they were lucky to have gotten their two goals. The U20 tournament has weird three team groups, with the top two advancing. We should be a lock to advance now, regardless of the outcome against Cuba. Yay for kicking the snot out of countries with 1.3 million people.
The commies could only hang with us until the end of the first half, but they did succeed in injuring two of our players inside thirty minutes. That set the tone for a match where eight yellows were given out. Unfortunately our wounded are now out for the remainder of the tournament.
Yeah, well I don't like you much either.
vs. Manchester City, April 8, 2023
FA Cup, Semifinal
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about this. Manchester City are one of the two best teams in the world this year, along with Real Madrid. Beating them is going to take everything we have.
Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Control
Starting 11: Kovacevic, Reed, Laux, Todd, Loseille, Mair, Morvan, Collett, Shirra, Mujkic (c), Bastable.
Subs: El Sayed, Cirjak, Feruga, Bailey, Petts, Taborda, Argenti.
The first 20 minutes pass like two heavyweights circling each other and looking for an opening. We then start jabbing at City, and for the rest of the half we're the better team. It doesn't mean anything, though, as we can't score. Our efforts are rewarded in the 48th minute, when Mair passes forward into space for Collett. Matty cuts inside and beats his man, and then beats the keeper. We aren't able to hold on for the one-nil victory, Mark Bloem denies us with a perfect assist in the 78th minute. It's the only shot on target that City has had all day. Just before stoppage time Collett is denied the winning goal by great save. Shortly before that I had pulled Mair for Bailey, then Morvan got hurt in the 89th minute. We're out of substitutions going into extra time. Little happens in the thirty minute extra period until the last moments, when Bastable can't win an aerial battle against the City centerback in the 120th minute and our last best chance to win from open play goes begging. We're going to penalties. I hate penalties.
The order for penalty kicks is Shirra, Bailey, Bastard, Taborda, and Petts. If it goes beyond that we have Laux, Collett, Todd, Reed, Loseille, and Kovacevic.
Penalties:
Shirra bangs in the first one.
Swiss superstar Mattias Barbot answers.
Bailey bangs in the second.
Kovacevic stonewalls mighty Mark Bloem!
THAT BASTARD CAN'T PUT IT ON NET!
Spanish national team striker Manuel Tebar ties it up.
Rodrigo Taborda gives us our third.
Man City answer right back.
Dick Petts makes it 4-3.
19 year old rookie Freddie Highton makes the highest pressure shot of his young career!
Matthias Laux becomes the first defender to make a penalty.
Man City just won't go down.
Matty Collett makes it 6-5.
City's all world right back pulls it right back.
Chris Todd misses, and we're down to praying Kovacevic can make the stop.
Another Man City teenager, Cristian Marras, ends the match. We're out of the FA Cup.
Man of the Match: James Loseille
Wrexham 1-1 p Man City
At least the U20 tournament is going smoothly. I'm still not recovered from the FA Cup semi.
Whoever wins this is almost certainly going to win the trophy, no other North American country has half the talent of the United States or Mexico.
vs. Napoli, April 12, 2023
Champions League, Quarterfinal
If we lose this it will mark the second straight year that we've entered the month of April still in the hunt for all three major trophies and came away with nothing. If we only win by one we'll need to keep a clean sheet to knock off Napoli or we'll head back into a penalty kick shootout. I have no desire to go through another one of those any time soon.
Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Control
Starting 11: Kovacevic, Cirjak, Laux, Todd, Reed, Bailey, Petts, Collett, Shirra, Mujkic (c), Bastable.
Subs: El Sayed, Loseille, Feruga, Morvan, Parr, Taborda, Argenti.
We're denied a clear penalty 13th minute, but the team isn't discouraged. Cirjak finds Meteor all alone at the far post in the 22nd minute, and then Napoli leaves Bastable in way too much space allowing us to we score a second time in the first half. The Bastard goes off the woodwork twice by the early second half, and we would be breathing much easier if he'd finished one of those off. I bring on Feruga with fresh legs for Laux, who's pretty slow even fully rested. Then Collett is injured in the 67th minute, if it's serious that could really kill our season. Shahed Parr comes on for him. Kovacevic makes a fingertip save in the 71st minute on a shot that would have sent the match to extra time, allowing Shirra to seal the victory in the 86th minute thanks to a Parr assist. Petts adds insult to injury a minute later to make it 4-0. We're into the semifinals.
Man of the Match: Tonci Cirjak
Wrexham (5) 4-0 (2) Napoli
That puts a real damper on our celebrations. Argenti and Parr are certainly capable replacements for Collett, but he'd been talismanic for us this season, scoring 20 times in 40 matches.
Collett and Shirra are both also in the running for the PFA Player of the Year award. Collett will have a hard time improving his standing given that he's missing the final month of the season, though.
Lovely, we're up against Real Madrid again. Well, the other possibilities inolved the Manchesters, so at least this is variety.
We stomped Mexico on their own turf, turning back their every thrust and threatening them repeatedly. They're lucky it was only uno a cero. It's United States vs. United States Jr. in the final.
There's never a better time to play an opponent than when they're in turmoil after a takeover.
At Liverpool, April, 2023
Premier League
Chelsea are out of the Champions League, and we're nine points up on them with six games left to play. We're going to be back in the Champions League next year. Liverpool are still in 19th place, and I very much want to send them down to the second division for the first time in over sixty years. Meanwhile Manchester City have hit the skids, losing their last four Premier League matches and letting Arsenal take first place. With a win we'll be just one point behind them, tied with Manchester United, and four points behind Arsenal with a game in hand. We're scheduled to play Manchester United in our second to last game, that match could decide the Premier League title.
Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Control
Starting 11: Kovacevic, Cirjak, Laux, Todd, Loseille, Morvan, Petts, Parr, Shirra, Mujkic (c), Bastable.
Subs: El Sayed, Reed, Feruga, Mair, Julio, Taborda, Argenti.
Liverpool have organized their defense well, preventing us from getting the ball into dangerous areas and keeping us from scoring an early goal despite a considerable possession advantage. We do go into the break with a lead, as that organization doesn't extend to set pieces and Mujkic finds an unmarked Chris Todd on a free kick in the 41st minute.
Liverpool come out on the offensive, and it's all we can do to keep them from equalizing. Petts and Parr make way for Julio and Argenti, they've been unable to keep possession in the second half and it's giving Liverpool too many opportunities. In the 83rd minute Mujkic catches the right back napping and nimbly avoids the last chance tackle, leaving him one on one with the Liverpool keeper a full thirty yards from the net. Meteor dribbles to the top of the box and then strikes the ball just inside the top corner of the far post to give us the breathing room of a two goal lead. He's not done contributing to the victory, though, as Liverpool's defense breaks down again in stoppage time, allowing Bastable to get on the end of a short cross from Mujkic that's chested into the net from a couple feet out.
Man of the Match: Meteor Mujkic
Liverpool 0-3 Wrexham
Canada were left a man short for the final thirty minutes due to the injuries they sustained over the course of the game, while we were only able to dress six kids on our bench because of injuries we'd already picked up during the tournament. Just about every player was exhausted, I was starting players who had stamina in the 70s and Canada was running out guys who had stamina in the 50s because they had just played five matches in twelve days. Given that almost none of them are playing regularly for clubs, I'm not surprised by the number of injuries.
We just conquered North America, bring on the world! We're in a group with France, Morocco, and Romania, with the top two advancing to the semifinal. I'd give us a reasonable chance at achieving that, if we're healthy.
This makes two teams of the week featuring our back line recently, a previously rare occurrence. Perhaps now I can turn into Mourinho and play soul crushing negative soccer despite having one of the best collections of attacking talent in the world.
Our next match isn't for another three days, so he could be fit to start against Reading. It's more likely I hold him out so that he's fully fit for our match against Real Madrid.
The Board has chosen to seek an overseas team to affiliate with in an effort to raise our profile around the world. We'll see what they come back with.
He's also got 20 goals on the season. He's played in 57 club matches and has 27 goals and 32 assists. How that performance didn't win him the Ballon d'Or confuses me, he's the best player on earth right now. I wish he played for someone other than our rival.
USMNT
That was a pretty great tournament. We soundly defeated all opposition, and our U20 squad is better than Mexico's. We conceded only twice during the whole tournament, on lucky breakaways by Trinidad, while thumping a decent Costa Rican team. I'm excited to see how this group does in Toulon come June, and then how the best of them make the transition to the Copa America in July. Some of them might actually be called up to the senior team for the Gold Cup, which will take place at the same time as Toulon.
Wrexham
Things turned out pretty well considering that we suffered a five match winless streak. The FA Cup semi left me a quivering mass of jelly, and I can't believe the Bastard let us down like that, but we're into the semifinal of the Champions League, and if we repeat our group stage results against Real Madrid we'll be in the final. Moreover, we still have an outside chance at winning the Premier League. That's much better than last season's April collapse, which saw us go out of the Champions League, drop out of the title chase, and get bounced from the FA Cup all in short succession. Our only tough league fixture will be the inaugural match of the renovated Racecourse Grounds against Manchester United, and it could determine the winner of the league.
Board Votes(Pleasantly) Gentlemen. Wrexham has never been richer or more successful. Thanks to our transfer policy, we sit in mid-April with a bank balance of £16.8m. Thanks to my steady leadership we've reached the semifinal of the Champions League.
We should finish the season in a month with more than £14m in reserves, and this is not taking into account prize money from the Champions League (£12m) or the merit pay from the Premier League television deal (£22-25m) or the fact that our old kit sponsorship deal is up for renewal, and we will likely earn something on the order of what Tottenham Hotspur or Arsenal does when we renegotiate (£15m). We also have two other general sponsorships that will need to be renewed, both of which will bring in many times more than they currently do.
As such we should expect total income for the year to come in at just north of £250m, a significant increase over last season and one that is not entirely accountable to the transfers of Nieddu and Cardozo.
We do, however, have much higher costs than past years, with total salary for staff and players topping £100m, of which £58.6m has gone to players, £8m has gone to staff, and £34.5m has gone to “non-soccer costs.” We are estimated to have the seventh largest yearly wage bill in the Premier League at £67.1m annually, which places us solidly in the second tier along with Liverpool, Tottenham, and Southampton but still nearly £60m behind Arsenal and £86m behind Manchester City. Our renovations of the Racecourse Ground were a significant one time expense, and their absence will offset our expenditures for next season.
I bring five questions before the board:
QUESTION ONE: Transfer/Wage budget
(Calmly): Thanks to this board's policy of allowing 100% of transfer sales to be placed into the transfer budget, I currently enjoy a £53.1m transfer fund stockpile. Our weekly wage cap is currently set at £1.43m/wk (£74.4m/ year). The only change I would like to see made is an increase of our wage cap to £1.75m/wk (£91m/year), which if spent would place us fifth in yearly wages.
A) (Gruffly) We'll increase the wage cap some, but if you want more use some of that transfer fund horde. (Transfer budget set at £53.1m, wage cap set at £1.6m/wk)
B) (Queasily) That's a lot... and I mean a lot of money. I don't think we can authorize further expenditures at this time. (Transfer budget set at £53.1m, wage cap set at £1.43m/wk)
C) (Obediently) Yes, sir! Right away sir! (Transfer budget set at £53.1m, wage cap set at £1.75m/wk)
QUESTION TWO: Training Facilities
(Boringly) We currently have “superb” training facilities, but we are not yet at a world class level. If we are to match the Real Madrids and Manchesters on the pitch, we need to rival them in the gym. This will cost approximately £4.9m, and give us “excellent” training facilities, one step behind the top level.
A) (Kickbackingly) And I know just the contractor to get us a deal on the new spa room. (Training Facilities improved, 4.9m spent.)
B) (FitBro-ingly) All we need to do is sign them up for crossfit, brah. Why waste money on this other stuff? (Training Facilities not improved)
QUESTION THREE: Youth Facilities
(Repetitively) We currently have “superb” youth training facilities, but we are not yet at a world class level. If we are to match the Real Madrids and Manchesters on the pitch, we need to rival them in the gym. This will cost approximately £5.3m, and give us “excellent” training facilities, one step behind the top level. The Michael Coulson Agility Pasture will be an especially big hit with the kids.
A) (Kickbackingly) Did I tell you this contractor I know specializes in group discounts? (Youth Facilities improved, £5.3m spent)
B) (FitBro-ingly) Crossfit, brah. Crossfit. (Youth Facilities not improved)
QUESTION FOUR: Youth Recruitment Network
(Disappointedly) Our current youth recruitment network is rated as merely “above average.” We have only one recent academy graduate, Tim Jeffries, with the potential to be a part of the senior team. I would like to improve our youth recruitment so that we don't have to spend money luring other team's kids to play for us.
A) (Agreeably) It'd be nice to have more Welsh faces on the club than just Chris Todd. (Youth Recruitment expanded)
B) (Dismissively) Why should we bother when you're just going to bring in foreign kids to fill our U18 team anyways? (Youth Recruitment unchanged)
QUESTION FIVE: Junior Coaching
(Secondarily) Our U16 coaching is currently rated as just “average.” I would like to improve it so that players graduating from our academy will be more polished and ready to play a role in our youth squad.
A) (Supportively) We certainly don't want to ruin their dreams of playing for the greatest team in Welsh history! (Budget for Junior Coaching increased)
B) (Disparagingly) It's not like they have talent to polish in the first place. (Budget for Junior Coaching unchanged)
Voting will close on Sunday the 27th of July, at 12pm EST.