Part 170: Chapter the Fifth: Return of The Special One.
Chapter the Fifth: Return of the Special One.December 5, 2024-January 1, 2025
We face a moderately difficult set of opponents this month, with only Sheffield United not inhabiting the top half of the table. Our New Years Eve match against City will be tough, and the trip to Chelsea three days before that could possibly cause us fits. Given my past relationship with Patrick Pattison and the fact that we're facing AU-Jose Mourinho I'll probably get into some verbal altercations as well. If we can get through unscathed we're going to be in great shape for the second half of the season. Meanwhile...
Uluru, Australia
(TWO MEN in ragged, dusty clothes approach the PARK RANGER STATION)
: I told you they were vicious little bastards.
: But they're so cute! Who'd have thought he could wreck a ute!: They couldn't have if you hadn't picked one up and put it behind the wheel so you could get a picture of it driving.: Don't chuck a wobbly, some of those shots we got were great.: Why are you even still carrying the fuzzball around? The rangers won't be that pleased to see it.: I couldn't just leave the little fellah at the wreck. Don't listen to him, Banjo.(BANJO chews eucalyptus placidly)
: ...
This means that Parr is going to get crocked in about a month.
Selangor, Malaysia
(ANDREA ALOISI addresses a considerably less ragged MUJKIC and BASTABLE)
: Che Palle! Let it be known that the only reason I did not bench you for not arriving at the stadium until a minute before the match began is because these pictures of Banjo driving that truck are so cute!: I told you he'd be a star, Rock. Didja hear that, Banjo?(BANJO continues to chew his eucalyptus placidly)
: ...At Reading, December 9, 2024
Premier League
You don't get to face Arsenal until New Years Eve, AJ_Impy, and you lost 0-1 to Sky Shadowing back in September. But other than that you're doing alright, currently in 9th place and with a positive goal differential. For the moment. Your coach is sending the team out in a 4-4-1-1, it looks like another match where the opposition will be huddling behind their walls while the Dragons circle.
Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Control
Starting 11: Kovacevic, Cirjak (c), Laux, Quiboulaz, Taffarel, Shirra, Ünsal, Parr, Stringel, Taborda, Thiago.
Subs: Fitzgerald, Loseille, O'Hanlon, Mair, Petts, Reed, Aarts.
Fans of both teams murmur in disappointment and glee from minute one as Reading hit the crossbar in the first minute and Parr scuffs a one on one in the second. Then it's delight for Wrexhamites when Sinan Ünsal puts us ahead with his first goal of the season; I've been trying to get him more involved with the offense by putting him in the role that I've been using Shirra in, and giving Shirra heavier defensive responsibilities. Parr proceeds to pick up a knock in the 7th minute, because of course he does, and the opening ten minutes come to an end with Reading catching us on the counter attack, ending Kovacevic's streak at 550 minutes. The rest of the first half is sans goals, after five clearcut chances we've got only one that counted.
The second half starts with a bang, Ünsal scores again in under a minute. It's not enough, as our defense crumbles and allows an equalizer in the 55th minute. Ut's the first time all season we've allowed two goals. Shahed Parr grabs the lead of this volatile match five minutes later, he's played well given his injury and I reward him by subbing him off and moving Cirjak up the pitch. Reading's counter attack finds room to run time and again, but Kovacevic is not giving up a third goal. He makes two reflex saves on point blank shots in the final ten minutes, and we escape bloodied but victorious.
Man of the Match: Sinan Ünsal
Reading 2-3 Wrexham
Having 300 players on my shortlist means I get these pleas pretty often. Most of the time the players would be fringe additions to our club, though.
I don't think so, I still need you.
Glad you understand, if you keep playing like you have recently you're going to get more time on the pitch.
Sydney, Australia
(BASTABLE and MUJKIC are sitting in a bar post-match)
: I'm gonna kill him.: Nah mate, come on.: He's stealing my goals!: Pearce is a right decent cobber. And who cares as long as we win, am I right?: …: ...(BANJO laps his beer placidly)
Huh, never seen that one before. He didn't rep any of our players, either.
At Sheffield United, December 14, 2024
Premier League
Sheffield began the season in utter disarray, getting bounced from the Europa League before the group stage and losing their first seven league matches in a row. They've turned it around since mid October, though, and have only lost once since. We're about to hit a stretch where we play the fourth through seventh placed teams all in a row, so I'm going to try and rest some of our more important players.
Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Control
Starting 11: Fitzgerald, Reed, Hammatt, O'Hanlon, Loseille, Mair, Bailey (c), Cirjak, Shirra, Taborda, Aarts.
Subs: Kovacevic, Quiboulaz, Laux, Petts, Allan, Parr, Thiago.
Aarts picks up right where he left off, with a goal in the 25th minute. It's his fifth of the season and they've all come since the start of November. That's all we need as Sheffield have their midfield destroyer sent off just before the half. It's a stroll to victory, with Aarts grabbing a sixth goal along the way. For the final twenty minutes we play both Loseille and Cirjak on the wing, and they do an excellent impression of born wingers. With United off contesting the Club World Cup in South Korea, Wrexham reclaims the top of the table.
Man of the Match: Bram Aarts
Sheff United 0-2 Wrexham
Maybe we'll be able to beat them if they change ownership...
I want a creampuff opponent. Steau or Anderlecht would be perfect. Even Ajax would be OK.
Damn. At least we get to plan our revenge for last season's defeat. Ajax would be fine too.
I guess you never got over his intimations about leaving for greener pastures, huh, AJ_Impy?
Bangkok, Thailand
(MUJKIC and BASTABLE are with BANJO at a small restaurant post match)
: Well, can't win 'em all.: For once I'm happy that this stupid tournament has a stupid two legged final.: What say we blow off some steam tonight.: No way, mate. I've seen The Hangover 2 when I was knee high to a grasshopper. I don't want to be involved in a slapdash sequel made solely as a cash grab.: So what are you going to do instead?: Banjo here has become a bonafide internet star! I've been livecasting him eating dinner via AmazaTwitchRift. Have a gander, 2.3 million viewers!: ...(BANJO eats MUJKIC'S Pad Thai placidly)
vs Stoke City, December 22, 2024
Premier League
Stoke, doing well especially considering they sold their star winger Kemal Selimovic to United this summer. They're only six points back of Champions League qualification.
Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Control
Starting 11: Kovacevic, Reed, Laux, Quiboulaz, Taffarel, Shirra, Ünsal, Parr, Stringel, Taborda, Thiago.
Subs: Fitzgerald, Cirjak, Hammatt, Mair, Petts, Loseille, Aarts.
Well, that was 90 minutes of futility. We just couldn't get anything through the Stoke lines. After 66 minutes I changed over to the 3-4-3, but it didn't make an iota of difference. I'm going to need to do something about our tactics, because this is the third time a team has bunkered down and gotten a draw by spending the whole game resolute against the crashing waves of our attacks.
Wrexham 0-0 Stoke
Ok, now Parr is free to get hurt again. (Please don't get hurt again).
I've ordered the team to stop trying to walk the ball into the back of the net quite so much. We've been creating an incredible number of chances, and scoring on way too few of them. Hopefully this will get our players to take more shots rather than trying to find the perfect tap-in. At the same time I've ordered our fullbacks to make overlapping runs in order to get them more involved in the attack and get our wingers to pull the defense out of position. Hopefully it reduces the effectiveness of teams trying to park the bus on us.
vs Swansea, December 26, 2024
Premier League, Welsh Derby
Gremlins ate the preview screenshot
It's Foxy Boxing Day! Swansea has dropped from 7th to 10th in the last week, but still dream of beating us and laying claim to preeminence in Wales.
Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Control
Starting 11: Kovacevic, Cirjak (c), Quiboulaz, Hammatt, Loseille, Mair, Petts, Parr, Shirra, Taborda, Aarts.
Subs: Fitzgerald, Taffarel, O'Hanlon, Bailey, Ünsal, Stringel, Thiago.
Aarts just can't stop scoring, this time with a 4th minute goal when he gets on the end of a Cirjak ball. Swansea peg back right away, but Aarts makes it 2-1 courtesy a Parr cross. Before 30 minutes are up he also shows that he can score when the ball comes from the left side of the pitch, and Loseille gets an assist. We're still not in the clear, our defense has been poor and we allow a goal just before the first half whistle. After chastising the team for complacency, we come out much improved on defense, only allowing a single shot in the second half. We tack on two more, one from Mair and the other from a Shirra penalty kick after Taffarel draws a trip with four minutes left. There's only room for one team at the top of Wales, and Swansea aren't it.
Man of the Match: Bram Aarts.
Wrexham 5-2 Swansea
Thiago's been lukewarm, not scoring in his last two matches and not having a multi-goal game in his last seven. So I'm going to ride the hot hand.
In real life Jose Mourinho, who is the template for Bruno Santos, is a brilliant and painfully irritating coach. There's no denying his chops, he's won a championship in nearly every major European League. And there's no denying that he gives great press, he loves trolling his opponents and is always quick with an insult. But his style of play also trolls his opponents, and he uses teams of superstars to play a grinding, defensive style where the life is sucked out of onlookers through their eyeballs. It's anathema to the type of soccer I enjoy, even if I admit that he's incredibly successful with it.
That's the Mourinho I know and love to hate.
A foreign tycoon, you say?
At Chelsea, December 28, 2024
Premier League
Bring it on, oh so Special One.
Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Control
Starting 11: Kovacevic, Reed, Laux, Hammatt, Taffarel, Shirra, Ünsal, Collett, Stringel, Taborda, Aarts (c).
Subs: Fitzgerald, Loseille, O'Hanlon, Bailey, Allan, Parr, Thiago.
We're not having any success trying to push around Chelsea, but at least Taffarel takes out one of their players and avoids getting carded. A switch to an uptempo, less possession focused attack gives us more chances, but it's nil-nil at the half. Then Hammatt gets caught ball watching and Chelsea scores. String is able to get the equalizer with 20 minutes left, but Taffarel is taken out himself in what some people might suspect was a revenge tackle. Then, worse, The Special One gets the last laugh, as we give up a late goal, and go down to our second defeat of the year. We've been outplayed for the first time since the opening match of the season. Curse you
Chelsea 2-1 Wrexham
I'm a bit chippy at the post game press conference, while I'm sure Santos was indulging in some gloating:
vs Manchester City, December 31, 2024
Premier League
We need a win. I'm not getting beaten twice in a row by an off brand-Mourinho and Patrick fricken Pattison.
Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Control
Starting 11: Kovacevic, Reed, Laux, Quiboulaz, Loseille, Shirra, Ünsal, Parr, Stringel, Taborda, Thiago.
Subs: Fitzgerald, Taffarel, O'Hanlon, Mair, Petts, Collett, Aarts.
City must have tried to buy some assurance of a victory as they're the beneficiaries of a bullroar penalty call in the 3rd minute. We're right back at them, but Stringel can't convert an opportunity to equalize a minute later. A Taborda cross to Parr at the far post on the break does the trick, though. We've been great since the first five minutes, but it's still tied when we head to the lockers.
One problem is that Stringel has come close at least four times today, but his efforts are going for naught. He keeps working, and finally gets his reward in the 59th minute. String follows that up by drawing a professional foul on a breakaway, and City's aging centerback Stewart Crowe is ushered off the field. Shirra converts from the spot, and it's a two goal lead with 15 to play. Man City are dejected and defeated, and I laugh in Pattison's face during the post game handshake.
Man of the Match: Shahed Parr
Wrexham 3-1 Man City
: Ya done messed up now.
Why should I make peace? I'm winning.
That's a dirty lie, you numpty knucklehead!
Melbourne, Australia
(ANDREA ALOISI addresses the team after the trophy presentation)
: Meraviglioso! You should be so proud! I am so proud! This is an even greater day than the one Livorno purchased co-ownership of me!: It's just a small regional championship, you goose.: More people watched Banjo being told by the vet he's got the Clap on this week's “A Billabong Home Companion” than watched this match. : All those koala sheila's were not happy with him, it was the biggest reality entertainment event since King Jay-Z exiled King Kanye and Queen Kim from New York.(The door flies open, and an OLD FAMILIAR FOE bursts into the locker room)
: YES! NOW IS THE TIME FOR MY RETURN TO POWER!: What, who are you?: I am the rightful coach of Australia, and I will be keeping all these players here to train full time for the next 18 months until the World Cup!: You can't do that! We have clubs to play for!: Who's going to stop me?(ELLIOT strides forward towards BASTABLE, but doesn't notice a WET SPOT on the floor where BANJO had micturated. ELLIOT slips and crashes to the ground, having knocked himself unconscious)
: I told you it was a good idea to keep smuggling him through quarantine.: ...(BANJO naps placidly)
: Not bad for being full as a goog during the matches.
: Damn you, Pearce!
Drawing with the team in fifth and losing away to the team in sixth isn't an awful set of results, but it's nothing to write home about. Hopefully United hit a bad run of form at some point, we could end up as much as five points back on them. Arsenal are also not going away, but we're just a point behind them and I don't consider them quite as much a threat to our league aspirations.
