Part 177: Epilogue: Empty honors.

Epilogue: Empty honors.
May 18, 2025-June 14, 2025

I have a month to get my head on straight, the United States is set to compete in it's first serious international matches since we won the Gold Cup two years ago. I can't still be dwelling on what cannot be changed about this past season. That being said... I vowed change, and I'm not backing away from that statement.



You really don't want to ask me this now.



: Hey coach, I'm not getting much playing time, so I was thinking if I got loaned out-

(COACH glowers at O'HANLON so hard that static electricity begins to build on the centerback)

: I'll... ok... I'll be going then... _{oh god oh god please don't kill me.}



Die, painfully.



Know what's better than being acknowledged the greatest player in England? Winning the title.



Know what's better than the Golden Boot? Winning the Champions League.



Know what's better than Young Player of the Year? Yeah, you're starting to understand me.



I guess now that we're underachievers they're happy to put us on the team of the year.



It's a hollow crown that sits atop his head, for all his success he still has yet to bring us European victory. Despite 41 goals in 46 matches the crowd still compares him to Bastable.



McLeod deserves the award, coaching a team to 119 league goals is an insane accomplishment. I wonder if I'd have topped him had we won the title, though.



I can't remember the last time I was merely “secure” in my job.



Let it be known that if a single player gives me guff, I might kill them.



What I'd actually do is kick them down to the B team. The Confederations Cup isn't that prestigious, but it's still significantly moreso than the Gold Cup.



It's probably a good thing that the Wrexham players won't be anywhere near me over the next month and a half.



Next year it's title or bust. If you think I've been upset this past week, just imagine the vortex of rage I'll become if we finish second again.





The board has decided to upgrade the training facilities further, to the point where they match or exceed any other location in the world. They have also decided upon a £157.5m consolidated wage and transfer budget for the coming year, though the board was extremely split between those who wished parsimony and those who demanded the very best.



What? A plot to sell the Racecourse Ground? We're going to have to do something to prevent that!



I'm so torn by this. On the one hand, Chelsea and Santos can burn in hell. On the other hand, they finished fifth this season, which would usually keep them from playing in the Champions League next season. But by winning here they get an automatic berth next season. Since there can be only four Champions League qualifiers from England, that means Manchester City and Pattison are shit out of luck. My schadenfreude is competing against my violent disdain.




Once again, this would all mean more if we had won the trophy.



Instead, they're empty honors that serve only to remind us how close we came and how far short we still fell.



West Brom is the prettiest girl at the dance. Blackburn was relegated along with Newcastle, I'd imagine that the ardor of their potential buyers has cooled once they learned of that.



City are dropping serious cash to extend their top players now that they're out from underneath the foot of the Financial Fair Play penalties.



I didn't know that Newcastle was Constantinople.



The first axe falls. Matty Collett, you have been judged, found wanting, and exiled. Hie thee back to Arsenal, you wastrel.





Come July we shall gather our friends and neighbors for the Mini-Cwp 2.0 Reboot Redux.





We shall travel to the heart of Europe to face challengers to our continental aspirations.



We shall play Chester, because we can.



We shall play Norridge, because we have to.





We shall play in China, because we have branded tchotchkes to sell. Ni hao, Zhongguo!




Oh dear. While looking at our various transfer clauses, I noticed that this ultraprospect for Man United seems to have been winkled away from us in March. Now I feel much less bad about doing it to other clubs.



Let's get ready to amortiiiiiiiize.



Hah! Take that, Chancellor of the Exchequer!



I'm going to punch the next futurist flunkie who tells me that location doesn't matter in a globalized and interconnected world. Punch them right in the Google Glass. It makes a huge difference, and our finances are suffering for it.



Grow old and infirm, damnit. United's best play still has another 3-4 years of pestering the hell out of me by being great and winning all the awards.



Cosimo De Blasio shamed us with his mediocrity while on loan. For failing to uphold our honor he is exiled.



I guess when your position description is “Legendary Midfielder” you can wear your hair any way you like.



We are offering an exchange program for those Petts' jerseys after his terrible penalty kick cost us a trip to the Champions League final.



It's a young squad, and one featuring five players who have recently taken up US citizenship and are uncapped for their original nations. That discomfits a bunch of older players.




Don't worry, you get to play in the Gold Cup. Why are you crying?



They'll all have a chance to play their way back into the main team through the Gold Cup.



I'm going to bring him to Wales if I have to smuggle him in via a rocky inlet on Anglesey.



Perhaps the Wrexham lads will speak so highly of me that they'll accidentally undermine their own teams.



Welcome, my children. Welcome to your new home.



So I went to call my son up for the Gold Cup, because that's just the sort of dad I am, and he flat refused me!



: You pick up that phone right now young man or I'm canceling your service!

(WILL BROWN opens his bedroom door just wide enough to poke his head out, THE CURE can be heard emanating from his room.)

: NO! I HATE YOU!

(BROWN slams the door, and ROBERT SMITH's dulcet voice rises in volume.)