Part 183: Chapter the Third: The consequences of sloth.

Chapter the Third: The consequences of sloth.
September 11, 2025-October 15, 2025

Let's check in with my favorite EPL soap opera:





These poor guys. Leinard is doubly screwed, he signed a contract in May before Chelsea had won the Champions League, thinking that City had qualified. He was heard screaming from all the way over in Liverpool when told that he could look forward to mid-week trips to FK Torpedo-BelAZ Zhodino in Belarus for the Europa League. He even forfeited several million pounds in loyalty bonuses before the ink was dry on his contract. Ouattara, on the other hand refused to ask for a transfer over the summer, he still wanted to get paid his loyalty bonus. Now, though, he's made it clear that he wants out. Why?



Because we unsettled him.



He's not worth £30m to me, though. Enjoy Naples. Watch out for the volcano.

vs Manchester City, September 13, 2025
Premier League


Hopefully all the sturm und drang surrounding City means that they'll go quietly.

Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Control
Starting 11: Minami, Reed, Quiboulaz, Laux, Loseille, Maloney, Bailey (c), Mercado, Allan, Taborda, Thiago.
Subs: Kocsis, Cirjak, Tounkara, Enrique, Shirra, Damgaard, Parr.

Nope, they're not going quietly, and in fact they're winning the match after a set piece goal in the 12th minute. Thiago is clearly frustrated with his lack of goals, earning a yellow card for diving. He should be upset, he missed back to back easy chances, the second with the goal at his mercy. My halftime talk is not for those with sensitive ears. Finally Thiago gets on the board, fifty minutes after we fell behind. Mattias Mercado then puts us ahead in the 78th minute on an impressive turn and shoot in traffic. All is well with the world.

Then we blow it when Quiboulaz loses track of his man and allows the equalizer in the 90th minute. Goddamnit.




Wrexham 2-2 Man City



I can't let United get a world class player if I can help it, so we'll have to pony up.



Then City saves us the trouble and the money by refusing to deal with their hated rivals.



Bettors aren't getting rich these days by plonking a tenner on Wrexham, everyone knows just how good we are.

vs Roma, September 16, 2025
Champions League, Group A


Roma are the equal or better of City and Chelsea, and Chelsea won the Champions League last season. They've had the terrible luck to be drawn into the same group as ourselves and Real Madrid, and need their superstar centerback Leonardo Salerno to marshal the defenses in their visit to the Racecourse Ground.

Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Control
Starting 11: Minami, Reed, Quiboulaz, Laux, Loseille, Shirra, Ünsal (c), Mercado, Stringel, Taborda, Thiago.
Subs: Kocsis, Cirjak, Quiboulaz, Maloney, Allan, Damgaard, Parr.

Roma are hanging on for dear life from the opening gun. They finally succumb in the 36th minute, the Golden Boy is automatic from the spot. After converting this one Shirra is 20 of 20 on penalty kicks going back the last six seasons, and 23 of 25 for his career. A Taborda dive earns a Roma fullback his second yellow and an early shower in the 51st minute, and we spend the next forty minutes teeing off against the beleagured defense. They eventually cough up another goal, this time to Thiago, and were unable to muster any offense whatsoever even before going down a man.

Man of the Match: James Loseille




Wrexham 2-0 Roma




Tonci has been excellent for the club since we stole him from Barcelona seven years ago. Reed and Loseille will need some rest at some point, so promising him playing time isn't that big a deal.

vs Liverpool, September 20, 2025
Premier League


United fell to Everton, so we have a great chance to pick up the ground we lost by beating Everton's crosstown rivals.

Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Control
Starting 11: Minami, Cirjak, Tounkara, Quiboulaz, Loseille, Laux, Ünsal (c), Parr, Shirra, Taborda, Thiago.
Subs: Kocsis, Reed, Hammatt, Bailey, Allan, Damgaard, Stringel.

Thiago scores on an exquisite chip shot not five minutes into the game, he looks to be out of his early season slumber. Tounkara is fouled hard on a corner kick, giving us a penalty kick ten minutes later. As mentioned previously in this update, the Golden Boy doesn't miss from the spot. Shortly thereafter Liverpool's keeper can't handle a stinging shot from the Turk, and Ünsal is happy to put back his own rebound. The hits don't stop coming, in the 26th minute Taborda gets in on the fun courtesy a perfect through ball from the Turk, who has taken his game to a new level this season. El Compadrito doubles up three minutes later when the Everton keeper can't corral yet another rebound, and it's 5-0 in less than half an hour.

Things go from bad to worse for Liverpool when they have a man sent off in the 31st minute. It does make them huddle in fear around their goal, however, which keeps us from scoring a sixth goal until Thiago picks up another near the hour mark. He and Taborda keep peppering the Liverpool goal in search of their their hat tricks, but their reward is not forthcoming. We'll have to settle for a six-nil demolition of the eighteen-time English champions.

Man of the Match: Thiago




Wrexham 6-0 Liverpool



Dropping a half dozen goals on another team will do wonders for your players inclusion into the team of the week.

vs Queens Park Rangers, September 23, 2025
Capital One Cup, Third Round


Remember Chesterfield. Confident, cocky, lazy, dead.

Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Control
Starting 11: Kocsis, Cirjak, Hammatt, Quiboulaz, Reed, Maloney, Bailey (c), Mercado, Allan, Damgaard, Stringel.
Subs: Minami, Ciganek, Tounkara, Enrique, Shirra, Pickee, Thiago.

The first half sees a rare Bailey goal, and another from “Super” Mercado (he's got only the highest quality products) gives us an unimpeachable lead. We keep it up as Allan bags a second half brace. Our backups and reserves pile on more goals than our first team did a month ago, although to be fair the score of that first match should have been 5-0.

Man of the Match: Callum Allan




Wrexham 4-0 QPR



That's a pity.



So's that. Oh well, they'd have to lose at some point for us to win the League Cup.

At Manchester United, September 27, 2025
Premier League


This match is gigantic. A draw here keeps our fate in our own hands. A loss puts us four points back. It may seem insane to be making these pronouncements just over a month into the season, but I fully believe that United could win all but two matches.

Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Control
Starting 11: Minami, Reed, Tounkara, Quiboulaz, Loseille, Laux, Ünsal (c), Mercado, Shirra, Taborda, Thiago.
Subs: Kocsis, Cirjak, Hammatt, Bailey, Allan, Parr, Stringel.

I turn around for ten seconds at the kickoff and United are up. We're having little success trying to control possession, and then Ünsal gets himself red carded with an incredibly stupid two footed tackle in the 40th minute. Steve Collecott is able to get United a second goal after the half, and that's all she wrote.




Man United 2-0 Wrexham




I take back what I said about him having such a good start to the season.




You do not have a good sense of timing, kid.



It's hard to argue that he doesn't deserve a raise, though.



Dreamsicle may be terrible at finding me a feeder team, but he's doing more legwork than anyone ever has to get us new sponsorships. Now if only they were worth more than a month of Mercado's salary.

At Rangers, October 1, 2025
Champions League, Group A


I have a suspicion that we're going to take out our frustration on some Scotsmen.

Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Control
Starting 11: Kocsis, Cirjak (c), Hammatt, Quiboulaz, Loseille, Enrique, Shirra, Parr, Allan, Damgaard, Stringel.
Subs: Minami, Reed, Tounkara, Bailey, Taborda, Mercado, Thiago.

Stringel's long goal drought finally comes to an end in the 33rd minute. He adds a second after intermission when Rangers roam too far upfield searching for an equalizer, and that breaks the floodgates wide open. Shirra bangs one in immediately following, and we get an own goal on top of that, but those are mere sideshows to Isaac Stringel's return to form. He laces his hat trick at 64 minutes and then picks up a fourth and then a fifth. After having gone goalless for the first seven matches of the season he strings up five in one game. He earns the rare perfect 10 rating on the day for his bonanza, and I think he's disappointed he won't be playing in Glasgow more often.

Man of the Match: Isaac Stringel




Rangers 0-7 Wrexham




Well, better that he's sidelined now than next summer. It's a shame, though. Parsons is 21 and already good enough to be starting for a lower tier Premier League club. With a full season of improvement he might have been one of the best players on the USMNT next summer at the World Cup.



Well, now I'm extra glad that I fined him £400,000.



I am looking very forward to punching your face in. Metaphorically.




Yeah, well I'm rubber and you're glue.

At Everton, October 4, 2025
Premier League


Don't make liars of me, lads.

Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Control
Starting 11: Minami, Reed, Tounkara, Quiboulaz, Loseille, Laux, Shirra, Mercado, Stringel, Taborda, Thiago.
Subs: Kocsis, Cirjak, Hammatt, Bailey, Allan, Damgaard, Parr.

Everton have the better of the first half, but Minami is proving worth every penny we've paid him over Kovacevic so far. Thiago looks like he's scuffling again, until he launches a free kick bender around the wall and past the keeper to finally give us the lead after an hour and five minutes of play. We blow another late lead, though, and sink to a record of 3 wins, 3 draws, and 1 loss. We're lucky we didn't lose- our defense was gouged open time and again by Everton and teen phenom Dramane Tounkara did not look anything like one of the best players in the world under 20.

Man of the Match: Thiago




Everton 1-1 Wrexham



: Hang on, the Coach will be right here.

(PAUL WILLIAMS turns on a holograph screen, showing COACH on a beach in his bathing suit and a large, vibrantly colored drink topped by a straw umbrella in his hand.)

: You're probably wondering “Hey, what's Coach doing on a beach when we have friendlies to play?” Well, Coach is enjoying a damned vacation because he was at 26 US National Team matches over the course of less than three months this summer. Coach needs his me time. Listen to Paul, be good, play well. Coach out.



Finding it hard to care with all these mimosas in my mouth.



See, you didn't need me around anyways!

USMNT


Doooooooon't caaaaaare.

Wrexham


We're alternating between bestriding the pitch like colossi and appearing to be hapless handegg fans trying to play keepy-uppy. I have no clue what leads us to blow out Liverpool and Rangers but get dominated by Everton. The ship needs righting, immediately.