Part 212: Epilogue: Live from the San Siro in Milan, it's the Champions League Final MBM by the Guardian.

Epilogue: Live from the San Siro in Milan, it's the Champions League Final MBM by the Guardian.
May 29, 2027

Welcome everyone to the San Siro here in the heart of Milan! I am Athelton Crumblesnook, your leal guide to this matchup between the upstarts of Italy, Napoli, and the Welsh Dragons, Wrexham! Can Scott Brown's squad repeat as European champions, or will Italy claim the title away from the United Kingdom, which has seen a club playing in the English League win the competition for the last four years?

You can follow the game live through our servers at https://www.twitch.tv/thehabeasdorkus, but be warned, we're still using 20 year old computers and it will likely be choppy.

Napoli Starting IX: Byung-Duk, Marras, Cannizzaro, Michalik, Parisi (c), Castillo, Savioli, Ouattara, Tortorici, Martinelli, Rog.

The Welsh boys will have to be on guard for Dante Tortorici, one of the best offensive midfielders in the game today.

Wrexham Starting IX: Minami, Reed, Tounkara, Hammatt, Loseille, Laux, Shirra, Parr, Allan, Mujkic (c), Thiago.

Napoli have to be breathing a sigh of relief that Mexico has forced Isaac Stringel to join them, as it leaves Brown's team diminished and without one of their best players!

1m: And we're off, with a free kick already being given when Thiago bumps a Napoli defender.

2m: A nice, flowing move by Napoli gets them upfield for a throwin, but no nonsense from Mathias Laux to push it away.

3m: First chance for the Italians, as Minami is forced to make a save!

4m: Thiago has a shot, after deaking his man out of his boots, but can't get the shot on target.

6m: Word from our production staff has come in, we hear that the feed is down and that the ancient technology it's run on has given up the ghost no matter how many blessings they attempt. Meanwhile, Napoli are looking pretty comfortable in possession now that the eyes of the world are no longer on them.

8m: This has turned into a midfield brawl, and the tackles are almost as vicious as the commentary coming in about the lack of video. We apologize again, but it is the Guardian's policy not to make deals with Baphomet to get things working again. Nor Baal either.

10m: Wrexham finally gets the ball over the midway line for the first time in what seems like forever, but Napoli quickly regain possession. Scott Shirra is carded for a hard challenge, and play resumes.

11m: A badly timed foul by Napoli concedes a free kick right outside of the penalty area, there's no way Thiago isn't going to shoot.

12m: GOOAAAAL! Thiago's free kick is centimeters too high, but the shot cannons off the crossbar and Ed Hammatt is the first to the scene! 1-0 Wrexham

13m: Alistair Crowley, who I thought was dead, has tweeted in that he is the one to thank for that Wrexham goal, because he "had to take matters into his own hands after the stream went dead." He adds that "Baphomet is a perfectly nice fellow once you get to know him." As I transcribe that, Mujkic almost finds Thiago in front of the goal, but Byung-Duk gets there first.

15m: Now it's Wrexham on the attack, and this time Mujkic DOES find Thiago in front of the goal! Wrexham up two in barely an instant! 2-0 Wrexham

18m: John l'Dark writes in to add "Oh, I had asked my neighbor Old Scratch for some help when the feed went down as well. That might be why things turned so sharply in Wrexham's favor." I'm not sure how this missive was delivered, it appears to be a parchment scroll with dark, almost black ink. But the point is well made, Napoli have been under siege these last ten minutes!

25m: One Mr. Aligheiri writes in from Ravenna and asks "Is Wales so truly a miserable place that one would delight in demonic neighbors? I've been working on a comedy trilogy, I might have to include that tidbit!" Meanwhile Napoli have recovered their footing, and have two corners but can make nothing of them.

27m: It's turned into a game of long balls over the top, for the last two minutes both sides have been content to let the keepers do the kicking and the pace of the game has slowed dramatically.

29m: Dueling yellow cards are handed out, one to defensive midfielder Mattias Laux and the other to defender Gianluca Savioli.

32m: We've got a note here that appeared in the studio in a puff of black smoke from a Mr. H. Sloane of Ohio, that fulminates "Mr. Aligheiri sounds like a Lega Nord member, so worried about a person's neighbors. I happen to live between a nunnery and a cabal of vegan cannibals, and let me tell you that both are perfectly good people in their own way!" As I read that, Thiago scores yet again, this time from a Parr cross, and Wrexham is running away with the match. 3-0 Wrexham

33m: It appears Mr. Sloane's message has departed in the same manner it arrived. No matter to the game, though, as Wrexham seems to have things well in hand!

36m: Wrexham are having the devil's own luck on crosses, it seems like Loseille, Parr, Reed, and Mujkic all are able to find Thiago striding into the middle almost at will. Napoli have a lot of work to do if they want to salvage their chances. As I write that another Napoli defender sees yellow after tripping Callum Allan.

37m: Oh so nearly a goal! Allan gets his head on the ball but can't get it under the crossbar! Still a three goal lead to the Dragons.

43m: A Mr. Lew Cypher has written in to call me on my use of stereotype in the term "the devil's own luck." He says "Those phrases are hurtful to all of us who, by sheer accident of our birth, are numbered among the Adversary. It's hurtful, and the Guardian should know better in this day and age." Well said, Mr. Cypher, and I apologize.

45m: For the first 10 minutes it was all Napoli, but those happy days for the Italian side are looking long gone as Napoli picks up a third yellow card- this time to their captain Libero Parisi. Parisi was at fault in Hammatt's goal, and has not played any better since.

45+2: Napoli mounts a bit of offense right before the whistle, but their shot sails errantly high and wide. And now it's halftime. Thoughts in a moment.

Halftime: Well, Napoli are simply having a devil of a time with the Wrexham attack, as the statistics show that they've managed just 40% possession and four shots. Three of those shots went off Wrexham defenders, while the third was blasted into the upper deck. If things don't change dramatically Wrexham will cruise to their third European title and second in a row.

46m: And we're off again! Gianluca Savioli trips Scott Shirra 10 seconds into the match, and is very lucky to not pick up his second yellow card. If Napoli have a man sent off they're toast, and may the devil take the hindmost.

48m: Thiago so nearly had his hat trick, but his header bounced wide by meter millimeters. He's looking fantastic today and Wrexham has not missed Isaac Stringel one whit.

52m: I fear I've just been told that the Demonry Advocacy Group has demanded my termination due to my repeated use of slurs against them. But no fear, loyal readers, it won't be an issue for the rest of the match, I promise.

53m: We have our first substitution to report, as Mauro Leanza has come on for Napoli to freshen their attack. It works, too, as he helps win them a rare corner.

55m: Lower tempo here from Wrexham, as they seek to run out the clock on what has been an impressive display thus far.

56m: Scott Shirra so nearly made it 4-0 with a shot that clipped the crossbar as it passed over the goal. Dante Tortorici tears upfield on the goal kick, but good defense from Loseille means his run comes to naught.

60m: Wrexham continues to play with a devil may care freedom, and Napoli just have no answer to it after an hour.

65m: Hello, this is Bamberger Cabbagepatch. I regret to inform you that Athelton Crumblesnook is no longer your correspondent for this MBM, and we at the Guardian would like to deeply apologize for his unconscionable hate speech. We here at the Guardian do not judge a person by their origin, be it the high heavens or the depths of hell, and we stand firm in our commitment to fight such injustices. I shall be taking over for Mr. Crumblesnook, and can tell you that not much has happened over the last five minutes other than Dante Tortorici picking up Napoli's fourth yellow card of the day.

67m: Oh dear. It looks like Mateo Mujkic is being forced out of the game by injury. Claus Damgaard is running the sideline to come in for the Wrexham captain. Napoli are taking the injury timeout to replace both their captain and striker with fresh blood, it's getting to desperation time for them.

69m: A loose ball in front of the Wrexham net could have given the Southern Italians a breath of life, but typical Italian indolence lets the Welsh team recover and clear the ball away from danger.

74m: Beg your pardon, this is Benedict Cumberbatch. I was just in the studios for an interview about Peter Jackson's nine-movie remake of The Lord of the Rings, and they've asked me to take over the final twenty minutes of this minute-by-minute because it appears that their regular staff is incredibly and unrelentingly racist. The Guardian would like me to apologize for their insensitivity.

75m: Wrexham is going to it's bench one more, it looks like Jonathan Quiboulaz will be coming on for Dramane Tounkara to stiffen their defense over these final fifteen minutes.

79m: Scott Brown's boys seem content to wile away these last minutes with their lead well intact, and are dilly-dallying over every last pass an corner kick.

80m: A Napoli counter-attack looks promising until the last second intervention of Jonathan Quiboulaz. That leads to Wrexham taking it straight back up the field where Steve Reed is able to find James Loseille in front of the net for a simple finish. Wrexham are floating to glory. 4-0 Wrexham

85m: With five minutes remaining Mattias Laux is making his way off the field for Justin Bailey, as the long-time Wrexham man takes his place in the defensive midfield. It's safe to say that Wrexham are now a longer shot to win than I was when nominated for the Best Actor Oscar for the Imitation Game.

88m: Thiago makes one last effort to earn his hat trick, but is offside. He's still put in a man of the match performance.

89m: At this point all Napoli can do is deny Wrexham a clean sheet, and they appear eager to do so, throwing themselves into the attack with wild abandon, as if they were Martin Freeman at a Sherlock slash-fiction reading.

90m: We'll have 2 minutes of stoppage time, and then Wrexham will claim their second championship in a row. You can see manager Scott Brown looking at the clock and wondering when time will be called.

90+3: And that's it. Wrexham is once again your Champions League titlist! And I am out of here! For the Guardian MBM, and Lord Satan below, this is Benedict Cumberbatch.

Wrexham 4-0 Napoli