Part 218: Chapter the Fourth: Spreadsheet Manager Gaiden.
Chapter the Fourth: Spreadsheet Manager Gaiden.October 5, 2027-November 10, 2027
Wrexham has some potentially tricky fixtures coming up, and I don't just mean our trip to Chelsea. Both Swansea and Southampton are very good this year, and we're due to travel onto their home turf. We also have both of our matches against Turkish giants Fenerbahçe, and winning both of them will assure us of a knockout round spot and the chance to throw some matches to
I've been using burner accounts to send Noel Tosh messages stating that he's been fired for the past month, so that when he finally does get fired by email he'll think it's just another troll.
Though how he still has his job right now is beyond me.
Project “To Hell With The USSF” continues apace at Partizan, and it's not like the Belgrade club isn't getting something from the deal as Andrew Paredes and Joey Garcia run riot over the Serbian league. It's looking like past time to cut bait with Libor Ciganek and Keith Coleman, though. This is the third disappointing loan performance for both of them.
I like to see that camaraderie. We're going to need some serious esprit de corps to win the World Cup.
That's the second time recently that our youth team has pasted Uruguay.
Parr's been healthy ever since he left Wrexham. I wonder if he left behind something that was cursed? I'll tell the players to be on the lookout for an idol of misfortune.
Merda/Scheiße/Merde.
The USMNT Tunisian excursion was such a wild ride it needs two screencaps to contain the full summary. We were ahead 5-2 at the half, but Tunisia forced themselves right back into the game as I pulled starters until our offense went ahead and scored twice more late in the second half. I hope some fictional soccer haters watched this game, because there's no way anyone could call it boring with a straight face.
That didn't stop me from lighting into the defense after the match, of course. How do you concede five friggin' goals?!
This doesn't quite match the real life record, set when Argentina blitzed the United States 11-2 in the 2028 Olympics. Still, it's comparable to a 22-17 baseball game or a 73-59 football game. A goal was scored every eight minutes!
I like our chances too if we can avoid giving up five goals.
We only gave up two, one on a questionable penalty call, but it was enough to keep us from victory. We still should have scored several more times, the crossbar will need to be replaced at Baba Yara stadium after the drubbing it took from our just off target shots. There were definitely some positives to take from the match, though, and I like our form as we head into World Cup qualification. It's especially nice to see the game referring to an American teenager as a “wonderkid” without derisively adding a comment about him being “the next Jozy Altidore.”
I slapped a “45 minutes only” request on Moctezuma to see if I'd get to have the enjoyment of talking to myself, but Sports Interactive seems to have made sure you don't come off as having a split personality when it comes to being manager of both club and country. Either that, or there were enough whiners giving them the same quote that they didn't need a copy from me.
This guy knows what I'm talking about. Paul, have him sent a thank you telegram. Why a telegram? Because he'll know I cared to find a place that still operates a telegram. Or at least, cared enough to get you to do it for me.
I'm hoping that our fairly high ranking will allow me to entice dual nationals to come play for the USMNT. If we can get into the top ten I'm guessing that the Other-Americans might find a bit of fondness for the red, white, and blue.
Given that he's not eligible to play for Canada for another two years, I'm not all that concerned. We'll probably know by then if he's useful or not and that will determine whether he can go hoof it with those hosers up north. And if I don't want to risk it I can always give him a cameo in one of our World Cup qualifiers and lock him down.
America's qualification matches start in the summer of 2028, so we've got one more friendly before we have to earn our entry to the World Cup. CONCACAF as a whole has been playing matches since this past summer, but they start with just the ten lowest ranked nations in the first round (Caribbean islands, mostly) and the top six by FIFA ranking don't have to play in the second round that's currently taking place. As the United States has reached every World Cup since 1990, it's invariably ranked in the top 6 and hasn't had to play in the second stage since the current format was adopted (which, to be fair, was only adopted in 2012, before that there were only byes to the 2nd round... which the US always got going back to when THAT system was implemented prior to the 2002 World Cup... CONCACAF has a habit of rejiggering it's qualification process).
Oh, and since I'm in the middle of going all
and don't think I've ever said this, CONCACAF stands for the Confederation of North, Central American and Caribbean Association Football. It comprises pretty much everyone from Panama northwards, and acts as the continental body of FIFA.
The Pyramid has gone through continuous tweaking since I first drew it up. This version's trying to address our lack of width, as I've been noticing that our attack tends to get clumped together. I've also removed the “drop deeper” order, as I see our midfield regularly getting compressed with our back line. In time I'll be adding a 2-5-3 where the wingers drop back to a wide midfield position in order to create a tactic that's more capable of dealing with runs down the flanks.
Steve Reed and James Loseille are also being tutored on playing further up the pitch so that they have a role to play when we go sans fullbacks. It'd be a shame to have the best right and left backs in the world and never use them.
At Chelsea, October 16, 2027
Premier League
It's been tough sledding for Victor Romanchuk in his return to Chelsea. He's managed to lose to Leeds twice already, once in the Capital One Cup and once in the League. He also lost to Manchester United, which is understandable, and West Brom, which isn't. They'll get back on track eventually, but I hope we can grab three points while they're struggling to kick it into higher gear.
Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Control.
Starting 11: Minami, Reed, Tounkara, Hammatt, Loseille, Zouaghi, Shirra, Bale, Stringel, Mujkic (c), Thiago.
Subs: Kocsis, Leandro, Laux, Lewis, Bouzid, Damgaard, Moctezuma.
Minami allows his second own goal of the season, and this one is a howler. A free kick comes right at him, hits him in the chest, falls to his feet, and rolls through his legs. It's the worst mistake I've ever seen a keeper make, and I've seen many, many semi-pro and teen keepers in my decades managing. We're lucky to get through the rest of the first half without further incident, and I try to rally the frustrated and furious troops.
When Chelsea score a second goal just 85 seconds after play resumes, it's clear that my efforts didn't work. With nothing to lose, I switch to the Pyramid in hopes of giving us a chance to get back into the game. Thiago achieves that objective with a goal in the 70th minute after fighting off a Chelsea defender, and now it's time to fight for the draw. We get the opportunity to equalize when Hammatt has the goal at his mercy ten minutes later, but he has to use his foot, and he's not very good at kicking the ball. It's our last look at the net, and Wrexham has lost two league matches in a row for the first time in four and a half years.
Chelsea 2-1 Wrexham
Tell them to go to bed earlier, then.
The takeover saga at Leeds has been going on now for nearly two months. The players and staff are handling the uncertainty poorly, and they're presently sitting in the relegation zone.
vs Fenerbahçe, October 19, 2027
Champions League, Group G
When the Pyramid was invented Turkey was still 40 years from being born amid the ashes of the Ottoman Empire. Let us show you how to respect your elders. Fenerbahçe is a part of the troika of Istanbul based clubs that usually dominate the Turkish league, but right now they're struggling and in 11th place out of 18 clubs after having won the league last season.
Starting Formation: The Pyramid
Starting 11: Kocsis, Hammatt, Laux, Lewis, Allan, Bailey (c), Moctezuma, Stringel, Thiago, Pickee, Damgaard.
Subs: Minami, Quiboulaz, Shirra, Zouaghi, Bale, van Leeuwen, Rouissi.
We take another early lead on an excellent dribble and shoot by Damgaard that broke his marker's ankles. Our visitors put it in the net less than two minutes later, but the goal gets called back as one of their strikers pushed Ed Hammatt out of the way as our big man leapt to intercept the shot. Damgaard continues to have a fine day, picking up an assist for providing perfect service to Stringel ten minutes after his goal.
Nothing much of note happens in the second half until the 78th minute, when one of our teenaged defensive midfielders, Gary Lewis, is taken out by a two-footed tackle. The Turkish player came in from the front and got the ball, but he's sent off anyways. Fener can't keep pace with our attack after that, and it's not long before Rodrigo Moctezuma lands us a third goal.
Man of the Match: Claus Damgaard
Wrexham 3-0 Fenerbahçe
With how many of our defenders are getting tired you'd think that we were playing a tactic that required them to run all day...
It's not like the current manager has earned much trust given that they're sitting on five points.
Wait, why is Minami unavailable?
With the U23 team until the end of November?!
For the Asian Games?! Goddamnit. I hate Japan. At least Kocsis won't have any reason to whine about not getting playing time.
vs Stoke City, October 23, 2027
Premier League
The Potters are having an excellent season thus far, with only one loss (to West Brom) marring there record. They're coming off a victory over Arsenal, in North London no less, and are feeling their oats. So it's time for them to meet the Pyramid and be reminded of their place beneath the Pharaoh of Football.
Starting Formation: The Pyramid
Starting 11: Kocsis, Tounkara, Quiboulaz, Laux, Shirra, Zouaghi, Moctezuma, Stringel, Thiago, Pickee, Mujkic (c).
Subs: Landgraf, Leandro, Hammatt, Bailey, Allan, Rouissi, van Leeuwen.
Our defense does it's job well throughout the match, preventing Stoke's forwards from latching on to any through balls and denying their attempts to craft dangerous counter attacks. But Stoke stymie our every effort, with their keeper making nine saves and their defenders throwing their bodies in front of four other shots as we approach eighty minutes. The crowd is getting nervous as we've failed to break through and it's looking like our winless streak will extend to three matches, but Meteor Mujkic saves the day after Thiago sees him slip by his man. His wonderful goal is the difference in a game where our offense looked uninspired and drab.
Man of the Match: Dramane Tounkara.
Wrexham 1-0 Stoke
Recovery period? What sort of nonsense is that? Sounds like they're malingering to me.
I'll see you all on the practice pitch. 6 am, sharp. Note: may not indicate true intensity of training.
(Except for everyone who played in the last match, y'all take two days off.)
Welcome back, Rickard. Get out there with the rest of the squad. We're doing suicides. For the next four hours.
Project “Fine, I'll fix America's player development problem myself” update, Michael Enriquez is joining us on a free transfer. He was with the Columbus Crew of MLS, but they hadn't bothered to sign him to a new contract and I had no interest in finding out six months from now that he was unemployed despite being good enough to start right now for any Championship squad with the potential to become “a leading Premier League central midfielder” in time. FM does a very good job creating a feeling of verisimilitude as you play, and their precise recreation of the abysmal state of American youth soccer programs is one facet of that.
At Swansea City, October 26, 2027
League Cup, Fourth Round
Our southern rivals are only two points back of us at the moment on the league table, and are doing so despite also playing in the Europa League group stage. As such, I don't expect this to be a cakewalk. This is already our third match of the season against them, having played them in the Mini-Cwp and the Community Shield.
Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Control
Starting 11: Kocsis, Reed, Hammatt, Laux, Loseille, Bailey, Shirra, Bale, Allan, Mujkic (c), Thiago.
Subs: Landgraf, Quiboulaz, Tounkara, Lewis, Bouzid, Damgaard, Thiago.
Our best scoring opportunity in the early minutes ends with Shirra and Allan hit the post and crossbar within two seconds of each other, I swear it's as if someone has brainwashed my players into thinking that the woodwork is worth double points. Shirra's rocket of a right foot finally puts one in the back of the net at 30 minutes, and I can reduce the amount of obscenity I was planning on using in my halftime haranguing. I can essentially eliminate blasphemous oaths from the schedule six minutes later as Isaac Stringel scores as well. Both he and Shirra had been unimpressive over their past five matches, and I had challenged both of them to show me something. Now they have, and I feel like Napoleon at Austerlitz. We follow the maxim that a good offense is the best defense, and though we don't score again our possession based game squeezes the life from Swansea and never give them an opportunity to get back in the match.
Man of the Match: Scott Shirra
Swansea 0-2 Wrexham
The other three matches have West Brom traveling to Leeds, Southampton getting to face lower division side Sheffield United, and a match in North London between Arsenal and Manchester City. Of the bunch only Sheffield would have been significantly easier.
I keep saying it, and I keep hoping it comes true, but right now they have four points on us.
Fuck. NSFW
At Southampton, October 30, 2027
Premier League
Southampton have fallen sharply off the pace of the league leaders in the last month, losing three of their last four matches, and it's not hard to see why. They played Manchester City, Arsenal, and Chelsea in that time period, with a trip to Reading tossed in for good measure. If they want to contest a top four spot they need to beat us at St. Mary's to avoid falling seven points off the pace.
Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Control
Starting 11: Kocsis (c), Reed, Tounkara, Quiboulaz, Loseille, Zouaghi, Allan, Moctezuma, Bouzid, Damgaard, Thiago.
Subs: Landgraf, Leandro, Hammatt, Lewis, Rouissi, Mujkic, Stringel.
Our Danish dervish breaks the offside trap and is one on one against the keeper with an eternity to maneuver for a clean shot. He slices to his right, gets around the keeper, takes his shot, and hits the far post. Two points to Wrexham. Two minutes later the Saints march straight down the pitch and do what you're supposed to do with the old onion bag. I point vigorously to Damgaard and then the net in an attempt to educate him via gesticulation. I should have been pointing at Thiago, because when he gets his one on one with the keeper he fires straight at the man instead of at the expanse of white string behind him. Moctezuma then follows up by completely missing an open goal, and we've apparently developed a well tuned comedy routine for the blooper reels.
Instead of bellowing like a stuck bull at the half I instead remind the squad that they're only down a goal, and that we're still in this thing. Thiago rewards my composure seven minutes after the interval by scoring a free kick from approximately the vicinity of Paris to equalize. I apparently forgot to remind them that hitting the post isn't worth anything, though, as Moctezuma spurns a prime opportunity to put us ahead in the 56th minute. I yank the Yank from the match, and send Stringel out to range on the right side of the pitch, but James Loseille shows his solidarity with the wonderkid by hitting the post himself with 20 minutes left. A minute later Thiago puts it off the post for the fourth time today, but this time it bangs off the inside of the frame and across the goal line.
With 15 minutes remaining Southampton's Jacob Rose drops the ball across the goal line in on a corner, but the catch is that it's his own net, and he gives us the breathing room of a two goal lead. Callum Allan makes it 4-1 in the 85th minute, and all the fight has gone out of Southampton after they played us toe to toe for over an hour. Surely some of that is due to losing on bonus points, two shots against the goalframe to three.
Man of the Match: Thiago
Southampton 1-4 Wrexham
Your teammates could have saved me the trouble if they'd managed to just put the damned ball in the goal when they have a wide open net instead of fiddling with precision shots.
Deep in the bowels of the Red Keep
October 31, 2027 at some ungodly hour in the morning
(PAUL WILLIAMS opens the door to THE COACH's privy chamber with a sheaf of papers in his hand.)
: Hey boss, here's those those numbers you wanted.
: Thanks. The server picked a bad time to conk out on us, I know it wasn't easy putting this all together by hand instead of just querying the database.: It's OK, my wife goes to bed early anyways.(THE COACH looks up, surprised.)
: You have a wife?: Uh, yeah. You've met her dozens of times... we've been married since my second year on the job here-(THE COACH waves him off.)
: Tell me what you've got.Wrexham 2027-2028, all competitions
: Here's all the shot data. We're scoring on about a third of our shots on target, and putting about 45% of our shots on net in the first place. That's...: That's not bad. Not great, but still solidly above average.: Right. Because the database is out, I only had an old printout from WhoScored lying around that had the Goals/Shots on Target stats for the first 24 matches of the 2014-2015 season, but it's still a big enough sample to compare with.(WILLIAMS passes a yellowed xerox held raggedly together by two rusted staples to THE COACH)
: Good enough for sixth in the league... League average was 30.2% of shots on target converted for goals... Wait, through 24 matches the best team had only put 144 shots on target?: Yep.: And we've put 148 shots on target through 17 matches?: Ayup.: So that means we're on pace for-: 209 shots on target over 24 matches.: Wow... That's a lot better than I though we were doing.: That's not all. Look at the next page and how our opponents are doing against us.Opposition
: They're scoring on fewer of their shots than we are?: Yeah, when teams play us their shots on target find paydirt about as often as 16th ranked Burnley did thirteen years ago.: And here I thought we were giving up more goals than we normally would because we were playing so far up the pitch...: It gets better, we've only conceded 40 shots on target. Pro-rated for 24 matches to match the data we have, that's a pace of 56 or 57 shots on target conceded... That's about 58% of league average, and would rank dead last in the league.: So you're telling me that our players are scoring at an above average rate when we get our shots on target, and we put waaaaaaaay more shots on goal than anyone else...: Mmm-hmm.: And on top of that our opponents haven't had much success converting their own shots on target into goals, and they get only about 60% as many shots on target as compared to the average team in the first place?: I think that about sums it up. I told you that you were wrong about how much we should be scoring.: Huh. I guess I owe the players an apology for that whole “It's a simple game! You pass the ball. You dribble the ball. You shoot the ball.” bit I did after the match, huh?: You're lucky they're all so young that they think you were being original.: That'll be all, Williams.: Thanks, Coach.(WILLIAMS turns to leave and steps out the door, but is halted by THE COACH'S voice)
: Wait one second. We're getting 46% of our shots on target. How does that compare-(WILLIAMS sighs)
: League average was about 32% of all shots were on target, high was Chelsea at 39% and low was Stoke at 25%.: Drat, so I can't even give them a sermon about that. What about our opponents?(WILLIAMS winces)
: It's on the second page of the printout.: Oh... 44%! How can we be letting our enemies to put such a high percentage of their shots on target!? Get out of here, Williams, I have a jeremiad to rehearse.(WILLIAMS closes the door and quickly walks away)
: Do re mi fa so la ti doooooo.At Fenerbahçe, November 3, 2027
Champions League, Group G
With nine points in three matches we're essentially booked for the knockout rounds. It would take Roma winning twice while losing to Fener and Fener winning all three of their remaining matches for us to finish third. Ergo, I have no concerns about breaking out the Pyramid in Asia Minor.
Starting Formation: The Pyramid
Starting 11: Kocsis, Tounkara, Quiboulaz, Zouaghi, Shirra, Laux, Moctezuma, Stringel, Rickard, Thiago, Mujkic (c).
Subs: Landgraf, Hammatt, Lewis, Allan, Damgaard, Bale, Rouissi.
Eight minutes into the match Moctezuma makes a long run up to the right corner of the pitch and flicks a perfect cross to the far post where Mujkic arrives with exquisite timing to volley it past an out of position keeper. Shirra earns some bonus points for hitting the crossbar ten minutes later, but the Yellow Canaries are pressing hard for an equalizer. We're able to blunt their edge and return to the attack before intermission. Thiago nabs his bonus points for the day by rattling the crossbar from a free kick, and then just before halftime Mujkic races onto a rebound during a fast break to put us up by another goal.
Fenerbahçe are given a ray of hope in the second half, however, when Dramane Tounkara is sent to an early shower after picking up a second red card with 30 minutes left to play. Being shorthanded doesn't stop Shirra from scoring three minutes later, though. We keep our clean sheet through the end of the match, and after four matches have already clinched first place in group G.
Man of the Match: Meteor Mujkic
Fenerbahçe 0-3 Wrexham
It's his first offense with Wrexham, and his first red card period since he was 15. But it's still a red card, so he gets fined. I reduce it to a week in light of the fact that he rarely picks up yellow cards.
: I'm not paying you for matches you don't play.
There's some intrigue yet in the Group Stage after four games. Group B is tightly clustered with no one eliminated yet, and reigning German champions Wolfsburg sitting at the bottom of the pile. Group C is even more up in the air, thanks to Manchester United's inability to put away their minnow groupmates. And in our group each of the other teams still hope to advance. I'm considering letting our winning streak lapse in order to help Braga, who have never played in the knockout round before.
I'm hoping they'll be able to rest during the coming international break. Otherwise we'll just have to deal with them wearing down.
This, coincidentally, happens to be the exact amount we have in the bank right now. I'm grateful for the president sneaking behind the back of the board to give me more funds to work with, but I sadly have to decline as I'd rather not cause a scandal two months before the annual election.
Again?
Big words from someone who's personality has been “unambitious” from day one.
I don't think Lewis is going to become a great coach...
Since we got a local boy in office we've won a triple and a double. I don't think he's liable to quit now.
At Derby County, November 6, 2027
Premier League
Derby got off to a hot start, and sit just behind us in fifth place. They're coming down to earth, though, their last game was a 4-0 beatdown by a visiting Arsenal squad that wasted no time showing them that they need to earn their spot at the top of the heap.
Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Control
Starting 11: Kocsis, Reed, Hammatt, Quiboulaz, Loseille, Zouaghi, Shirra, Bale, Stringel, Mujkic (c), Thiago.
Subs: Landgraf, Leandro, Tounkara, Bailey, Allan, Damgaard, Rouissi.
Derby are out to prove that I was taking them too lightly, as they grab the lead in the fourth minute and then get a gift penalty in the 9th. We're down two goals before I can even blink. They don't keep their cushion for long, though, as we close in 80 seconds later on a combined Stringel and Thiago joint. We nearly equalize twice in the next two minutes, forcing the Derby keeper to make a sprawling save and sending a shot off the crossbar. But Derby has no answer for our furious fightback, and Stringel makes it two-all in the twenty-second minute. For the rest of the first half we hammer away at the home defense, but shockingly it's Derby who pull ahead moments before the whistle.
I spend the break calmly going over our tactics with the players, and imbuing them with the knowledge that we can still easily win the match. I don't add that it's going to be difficult given that the ref has obviously been paid to screw us, but I imagine that thought was implied. My faith is rewarded with a spot of luck as Derby's keeper does an awful job corralling a Thiago free kick and lets it squirt between his hands for an equalizing own goal. It's rewarded again in the 76th minute when Hammerin' Ed Hammatt muscles in a corner kick for our first lead all day. Sadly, a win just isn't in the cards, as we concede yet another goal in the dying minutes. It's frustrating to draw, but we deserved no better given our sloppy defense.
Derby 4-4 Wrexham
: I saw the ref checking his bets at halftime, why is no one investigating this?
“May have gotten the decision wrong.” You may be covering up for a crooked referee who cost us two vital points.
Don't worry, I have the cure for what ails ya.
Aww yissss, team vacation.
Oh no you don't.
Team vacation means EVERYONE vacation.
I'm glad I finally crunched the numbers on our goal-scoring. It's nice to know that we're actually converting an above average number of shots into goals, and that our defense is holding up well (Derby debacle aside). It's also nice to know that the other teams are seeing their shots doink off the goal frame just as often as we are, about 6% of the time. It just happens to us so much more often because of the unbelievable number of shots we take. We may have lost two more games than all of last season already, but the only difference between our results last year and the ones this year are that we've had a couple bounces go the wrong way rather than having them go in our favor. I have no concerns about our chances at a third title in a row, and I look forward to proving it.
