Part 238: Chapter the Sixth: The Hex, Part 2.
Chapter the Sixth: The Hex, Part 2August 1, 2029-December 31, 2029
C'mon. Just five wins in a row., including one over Mexico. That's all I want. Then we can settle in for a six month wait until the World Cup rolls around! Failing that, qualifying before the final international break would be really nice.
Paredes is listed as a “Key Player” on the Gladbach squad, which means he should get plenty of opportunities to shine in the Bundesliga. He's at the age where he could explode onto the world stage as a monster star in just a season of time.
Heeeey! Boumsong gets his due at a charity testimonial between the two English teams that he played for. Neato. I still remember his presence in the middle of my early EPL defenses.
Crud, though at least it makes my team selection a little easier.
Garcia is going to be my first choice striker, so it only makes sense to add him in as vice captain.
Paul Williams is selling off the farm, though in this case I'd have taken that offer in a heartbeat. Spyropoulos is a centerback with a jumping reach of 6 and a marking of 10 to go with Positioning 10.
That should be a good enough group to beat Honduras. Right?
Woo! See how well you do when you're not using a youth goalkeeper in actual matches, Paul?
This team is never going to be healthy.
At Honduras, August 15, 2029
CONCACAF World Cup Qualification, The Hex
This is an away match at a country we should be defeating handily! Don't blow it!
Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Control
Starting 11: Paladino, Latham, Stevens, Bartlett, Jimenez, Padilla, Hughes, Paredes, Coleman, Moctezuma, J. Garcia (c).
Subs: Rubio de la Fuente, Delgado, Donaldson, Klaas, Needham, Couch, B. Garcia, Lopez, Enriquez, Ulusal, Clavijo, Williams.
Honduras strike first in the 16th minute, reminding me that our defense is awful. They reiterate the point after halftime and we're suddenly sitting in fifth place and at very real risk of being on the outside looking in with four matches to play in qualifying. Then Andrew Paredes puts the team on his shoulders, scoring twice in the final minutes to salvage a draw. It's still not a good performance, but at least it's a point, and leaves us tied with three other countries for second place in the group.
Man of the Match: Andrew Paredes
Honduras 2-2 USMNT
I don't care if you're feeling down in the dumps because you all played like crap. I only care that you play better, because this is unacceptable.
I guess Williams wasn't interested in putting up with Damgaard's shit.
He is winning trophies, though. Only five more to go to match my best, Paul!
Troyes is a French club that has spent most of it's life in the lower leagues of France, but they have a new Brazilian owner that's invested heavily and they managed to finish second last year to PSG and earn a Champions League spot.
Ok, now this should be good enough for matches against Jamaica and Trinidad, right?
Moctezuma is now the sixth former Red Dragon on the current Real Madrid roster, along with the Bastard, Bram Aarts, El Compadrito, Enrique, and Christian Taffarel. It's like a reunion over there! All for the low, low price of £204.5m.
I'm really starting to regret giving Joey Garcia the vice-captaincy.
vs. Jamaica, September 7, 2029
CONCACAF World Cup Qualification, The Hex
Our B team beat Jamaica. This should be easy...
Our B team also lost to Jamaica. This might be hard.
Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Control
Starting 11: Paladino, Parsons, Ramirez, Bartlett, Jimenez, Padilla, Hughes, Vazquez, Medina, Paredes, Garcia (c).
Subs: Rubio de la Fuente, Delgado, Donaldson, Stevens, Needham, Couch, Hartman, Lopez, Enriquez, Moctezuma, Zimmerman, Clavijo.
Jamaica scores in the 7th minute. We're an omnishambles. They proceed to play a violent game, and the ref is happy to let them. Mark Bartlett, one of our revolving menagerie of mediocre centerbacks, is injured in the 26th minute. Thank God we have Andrew Paredes, our sole shining star, who is able to even things on a corner kick before halftime. Paredes isn't done, scoring the go ahead goal in the 70th minute after more rough play from the Jamaicans made for a bumpy second half. Minutes later, after the 14th Jamaican foul of the night, Bobby Padilla curves a beautiful free kick in for a third goal.
Man of the Match: Andrew Paredes
USMNT 3-1 Jamaica
This team has some firepower up front, but it really lacks any sort of quality defense. None of our centerbacks would be more than squad players in the Premier League, and they can never stay healthy!
Bah, humbug. This reminds me that I don't recall ever hearing back about Chris Ramirez's red card in the Confederations Cup. Apparently they tossed the suspension, because he's been available in every game since.
At Trinidad and Tobago, September 11, 2029
CONCACAF World Cup Qualification, The Hex
Trinidad and Tobago have taken four points through their first seven matches. They're not mathematically eliminated quite yet, but they're five points behind the final qualification spot with only three games to play. Three points will also assure our qualification, so this is a pretty big match.
Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Control
Starting 11: Paladino, Parsons, C. Ramirez, Needham, Jimenez, Hartman, Vazquez, Paredes, Medina, Moctezuma, Garcia (c).
Subs: Rubio de la Fuene, Delgado, Donaldson, Stevens, Ramirez, Padilla, Enriquez, Couch, Lopez, Zimmerman, Clavijo.
Trinidad, and our porous defense, isn't going to make this easy. Within five minutes we're down two goals. After twenty, we're down three. The man responsible for all three goals is James Needham, who apparently died back in the summer and only now am I noticing because his legs keep falling off.
Still, we have offense to spare. Paredes pulls one back just before the break, and Moctezuma gets a second bwith a full thirty minutes to play. It's looking like a rip-roaring comeback will take place. Then our defense stabs us in the back again, as Scott Stevens, who replaced James Needham at the half, puts in an own goal. Even another goal created by Paredes can't keep us from going down to defeat.
Trinidad 4-3 USMNT
Needham is done. His international career is now over. Who I replace him with, I don't know, because all the American defenders I see right now are lower league quality.
He played for us in the Gold Cup. Does that not count because it was our B team?
Great. Now we don't have a single left back of even Championship quality.
Wrexham is feeling sympathy pains.
STOP GETTING INJURED CONSTANTLY.
AAAAAAAAHHHHH! 
I DON'T HAVE ANY OTHER DEFENDERS, YOU DUMMIES.
ENOUGH ALREADY! YOU'RE GOING TO PLAY CONCUSSED OR NOT!
vs. Mexico, October 12, 2029
CONCACAF World Cup Qualification, The Hex
We need to win if we want any chance at making our final qualification match meaningless, and prevent us from entering a playoff against New Zealand for the final World Cup spot. Given how well Mexico is playing, and how our defense isn't, I think the only way that happens is if there's a goal bonanza.
Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Defensive
Starting 11: Paladino, Latham, Donaldson, C. Ramirez, Bartlett, Padilla, Hughes, Paredes, Enriquez, Fisher (c), Moctezuma.
Subs: Rubio de la Fuente, Delgado, Wynalda, Bower, P. Ramirez, Stevens, Hyndman, Medina, Vazquez, Ulusal, Clavijo, Garcia.
It takes Mexico four minutes to get on the board. We are doomed. We've always been doomed.
Andrew Paredes makes another great play, this time finding Hunter Fisher at the far post for the equalizer. We're saved. We've always been saved.
Late in the first half another counter attack sees Rodrigo Moctezuma break free thanks again to Andrew Paredes. We're winning! Who ever thought we wouldn't?
On the other side of the break Paredes blows by his marker and is in perfect position for a Michael Enriquez pass, and he buries the shot to give us a two goal lead. Our lord and savior! Who else could it be but Andrew Paredes!
Our defense is holey in a much different way, and within five minutes the game is back with a goal. Are we going to survive?
No, no we are not going to survive. In the final minute of stoppage time Mexico break through again, and we are denied victory. Our souls are still at mortal risk, perilously close to being consigned to
Man of the Match: Andrew Paredes, who died for our defenses sins.
USMNT 3-3 Mexico
YOU'RE SATISFIED WITH BLOWING A TWO GOAL LEAD? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU! ARE YOU POINT SHAVING FOR SOME GAMBLING SYNDICATE!?
Paredes has been magnificent:
8 goals and 6 assists in 13 matches over the past year. Six of those goals and three of the assists have come in just the past four qualifiers. Without him we'd be up the creek without a paddle.
At Costa Rica, October 16, 2029
CONCACAF World Cup Qualification, The Hex
If we win or draw we finish second or third in the group. That's awful, but we still qualify for the World Cup. If we lose, we finish 4th. That is a fate too horrible to comprehend. I do not want to pin our hopes on a home and away tie with New Zealand.
Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Counter
Starting 11: Paladino, Latham, P. Ramirez, C. Ramirez, Bartlett, Padilla, Hughes, Paredes, Enriquez, Fisher (c), Moctezuma.
Subs: Rubio de la Fuente, Delgado, Wynalda, Bower, P. Ramirez, Stevens, Hyndman, Medina, Vazquez, Ulusal, Clavijo, Garcia.
Congratulations Pablo Ramirez, you've earned yourself another start with your third minute header. Even if you're just as bad defensively as all the other American centerbacks, at least you contributed something more than dumbly looking on as micro-nations like Trinidad drop four goals on us.
From that point on Costa Rica spends most of the match defending and trying to murder our players. Moctezuma goes down injured, badly, in the 11th minute, while Paredes hits the crossbar twice and is denied thrice by a sprawling Costa Rican keeper. Late in the match Xavier Hughes must also take a stretcher off the pitch as Costa Rica are scything us down and have earned six yellow cards for it with a full twenty minutes left to play. It doesn't score them any goals, though, and we make that early header stand up by keeping our first clean sheet since playing Senegal this summer.
Man of the Match: Chris Ramirez
Costa Rica 0-1 USMNT
Well, that took long enough, but we ended up finishing second in the group behind only Mexico thanks to Mexico's 7-0 dismantling of Honduras in their final qualifier. Mexico is scary as hell, guys.
Also scary is how bad our defense was. We racked up plenty of goals, but unless we do something about the defense we're not going to last long next summer. Still, we've got eight months before the World Cup to figure something out. Now, about those injuries inflicted by Costa Rica as they decided it was better for them to attack our players than actually qualify for the World Cup.
That's not too bad, he won't miss much time with his club. What about Moctezuma?
This fucking game.
