Part 45: Chapter the First: I know what you did last summer.

Chapter the First: I know what you did last summer.
July 2, 2016-July 30, 2016

We've got a two week training camp and four more friendlies before the season begins. The board votes are in, we'll be angling for promotion through either a top three finish or the promotion playoff, we'll be adding two new coaches, and the pitch was getting fixed up one way or another. Our wage budget is set at £36,000 a week, and £47,000 is added to the transfer budget.



Everyone pile onto the team bus and match up with your accountabili-buddy, we don't want anyone falling victim to the fierce wild sheep that roam the hills around our training camp.



Bah is left home, all alone. We've trimmed £8,500 from the wage budget, but we still have shopping to do in the form of a winger, a striker, and a right back.



Way to show off, England.



That's what the police are saying happened, but we all know better.

(Late night, the woods outside of Wrexham training camp, BEN RIGBY is in his underwear, alone)

: Guys? Where did you all go?

: …

: Guys, this isn't funny. Hazing is an inappropriate way to build team spirit.

: …

: C'mon, I can hear you breathing... Just come out and turn on the flashlight.

: …

(RIGBY clasps the MASKED MAN by the shoulder and turns him around.)

: AIEEEE!

(At the team meeting next morning)

: Guys, I told you, hazing is an inappropriate way to build team spirit. Where's Rigby?

: He never came back from the forest last night... I don't know how, we only left him 50 feet from the cabins.

(Door flies open, RIGBY crawls in covered with dirt and blood)

: MY SHIN! MY BEAUTIFUL, PRECIOUS SHIN!



Our tactical comfort is increasing, the players seem to want to put in more time on the pitch even into the night where they practice under the bright lights in a large group.



(ANTHONY HAY, JUSTIN BAILEY, and WILLIAM HARRISON are sitting outside a cabin, sharing a drink)

: Well, we should get to bed. Coach is going to have us up at the crack of dawn. You ok to get back, Hay?

: Yeah, I'll be fine. My cabin is only across the field where the lights suddenly went out.

: Where's your accountabili-buddy?

: Oh, him? He's a loser and went to go watch the new season of Community. I can't believe that show is still on, they've already had six seasons and a movie!

: Are you sure? We can walk you back.

: Please, what's wrong with you two? Like there's anything more dangerous than some feral sheep out here.

(BAILEY and HARRISON give each other a KNOWING LOOK as HAY walks into the gloom)

(Dissolve to HAY crossing the dark field)

: 'Cause maaaaybe, you're gonna be the one that saaaaves me.

: …

: And after all, you're my wonder waaaaaall.

: Oasis was wildly overrated, Stone Roses forever!

(Smash cut to MASKED MAN raising a crowbar, HAY screaming.)

At Garden Village, July 4, 2016
Friendly


Garden Village is a local amateur team based in Wrexham. They're a youth squad, and we're going to treat them mercilessly. Years from now the kids will be able to tell all their friends about the time they played mighty Wrexham.

Starting Formation: 4-5-1 Attack
Starting 11: Al-Beloushi, Peters, Reid, Poole, Smissen, Kadhim, Simpson, Bailey, Coulson, Franks, Harrison.
Subs: Higgs, Ashton, Thomas, Todd, Curran, Holt, Jenkins, Cobb, Rainey, Morgan, Price, Read.

The match went as expected, we annihilated Garden Village from start to finish. There's really nothing to take away from this because the level of opposition was so low. Everyone got their minutes on the field, and no one picked up any injuries. Our youth strikers scored three goals between them, which is good even considering who they scored against.

Man of the Match: Justin Bailey




Garden Village 0-7 Wrexham



Ibrahima Bah is the only senior team player not at the training camp, he's got the clubhouse to himself and has been binging on seasons of Archer. He likes Cyril the most, which is just one more reason why we need to get him off this team.



Can't hurt.



Portugal has been carried the entire tournament by Ricardo Lobo, who has eight goals.



(STUART SIMPSON, JUSTIN BAILEY, and WILLIAM HARRISON are huddled in conversation)

: Look, I'm the captain. It's my job to protect this team. I'm sure I can handle whoever, or whatever is out there.

: I can't let you do this alone, we all are responsible for that hobo's death! If he's back from the dead to haunt us, we need to face him together!

: Why would a zombie hobo, a zobo if you will, be harming players who weren't even on the team last year? I think it's something else.

: Whatever it is, I'll handle it.

: But-

: Captain's orders, Bailey.

(Cut to overhead shot of SIMPSON in the dark and musty BOAT HOUSE)

: I know I saw him come in here. Don't you know who you're dealing with, zobo? I'm the captain! You want to take on the Dragons, you've got one right here.

(Jump cut to ground level shot looking up at SIMPSON, the MASKED MAN is in the rafters above him)

: …

: I should probably go turn on the lights, I can't see anything. He could be right above me for all I-

(the MASKED MAN drops onto SIMPSON, jump cut to outside of the Boathouse where MUFFLED YELLS can be heard)



Due to our team's reliance on counter-attacking play, and our general speed advantage, I've ordered the field to be as long as possible, so we can stretch out opposing defenses and then run past them.



This was just a plain old injury. Yep. Nothing to see here.



Walsh is going to a nice farm upstate club in Derbyshire. No, you did not see the club physio moving his body into an ambulance last night. Why would I be lying?



Worse than a crazed, potentially zombified hobo stalking our training camp, the Belgians win the Euro Championship. Belgium! They can't even form a government.



Lewis was too good to pass up, he'll be in rotation with Poole and Todd. Petit will be going out on loan.

Stewart Lewis
Centerback


His primary attributes are already twelves or better, and he's young enough that he should improve a good deal mentally. At only £625 a week it would be a mistake to not sign him.

At The New Saints, July 11, 2016
Friendly


TNS beat us last year during our friendly, and that was a sign of bad things to come. Hopefully we can turn the omens around by returning the favor this year.

Formation: 4-5-1 Attack
Starting 11: Higgs, Ashton, Poole, Lewis, Smissen, Jenkins, Cobb, Holt, Price, Franks, Harrison.
Subs: Gibbon, Peters, Thomas, Todd, Petit, Kadhim, Sinclair, Bailey, Rainey, Coulson, Read, Morgan.

I played through this match so quickly that I didn't even realize TNS had scored in the first half until we were up 3-1. Our first half is miserable, but the second half is much more to my liking, and I don't have much more to say about this because I'm too focused on finding out who's kneecapping my players.

Man of the Match: Liam Franks




TNS 1-3 Wrexham



It doesn't take much to impress this Holt kid. I just told the players to stop waddling about like they'd just messed their britches and get after the ball.



(THE COACH stands at rough wooden table illuminated by a single overhead light, across from him sits the MASKED MAN, tied to the chair. HARRISON, BAILEY, and SIMPSON stand behind THE COACH.)

: See, I told you using your WAGs* posing for a Ladies of Wrexham calendar would work to lure him out. Zombies love them some tawdry calendars. First thing Americans are taught when we take the mandatory Zombie Apocalypse Preparedness class in school.

* (WAGs stand for Wives and Girlfriends, and are a very hot topic in British media. In League Two our players date some fulsome lasses, but they're still lower quality Page 3 girls at this point)

: FOOL! I am not some Hammer Horror creep to be trifled with!

: Wait, I know that voice...

(HARRISON steps behind the MASKED MAN and pulls off his hood revealing A SHOCKING SURPRISE)

: Tackleford Manager Ed Philips!

: Jinkies!

: And I would have gotten away with it too, if not for the chance to replace all the photos you took with my in depth and artistic survey of cock shots!

: You realize we're going to have to call the police.

: Oh I don't think so. I know what you did last summer to that hobo. Turn me in and I sing like a canary.

: It was an accident!

: You think I wouldn't? Try me!

: We'll let you go this time, Philips. But be warned. You do anything like this again and we'll use you as the quarry for our Most Dangerous Game inspired team building exercise. Just like that hobo I paid five pounds last year.

: You haven't seen the last of me!

(PHILIPS laughs maniacally as screen fades to black)



Well, I'm glad that's settled. All in all a productive training camp.



This is a six month loan.

Yohan Netala
Left Winger


Netala and Franks will handle most of the left wing duties for the season. If Netala doesn't work out, I'll send him home in January. I expect he'll be pretty good for us, especially if he develops.



Harrison has been in really good form lately, so until he goes cold Spilsbury is likely to be a backup.

Shaun Spilsbury
Striker


I'm not quite getting why Spilsbury isn't rated more highly by either my scouts or my coaches. His only weakness is that he's not very good in the air, which is admittedly a problem, but he's clinical around the net. That's something we haven't had on this team since I took over. He's not going to burn anyone with his speed, but he's plenty fast enough for this level, and he's got good technical prowess and off the ball skills for this level. I think he'll be pretty good for us.



As Philips was driving off when we released him he “accidentally” drove over Tony Holt's foot. What an evil asshole.



We still can't give high win bonuses, I don't know why. We're nowhere near our FFP cap, and we've got over 600,000 pounds in the bank right now. It's irritating, I like giving high win bonuses because the more ambitious players are highly motivated by them.



Being picked to finish 9th isn't bad, if we match last year's overperformance of the season predictions we'll win the league.



Hey, I thought our field was supposed to be perfect? We haven't played a game on it and it's already down to very good? Our landlords are lazy. I guess I can't complain when our rent is a pound a year.

vs. Norwich, July 17, 2016
Friendly


This is a payday for us, we keep all gate receipts from the match. If we're lucky we'll be able to earn a draw, Norwich has consistently finished top five in the Championship so far this year and will be very tough even as a preseason friendly opponent.

Starting Formation: 4-5-1 Defense
Starting 11: Al-Beloushi, Peters, Reid, Todd, Smissen, Kadhim, Bailey, Coulson, Price, Harrison.
Subs: Higgs, Thomas, Ashton, Lewis, Poole, McCarthy, Sinclair, Jenkins, Read, Franks, Morgan, Spilsbury.

We led most of the match after Harrison put us up one-nil in the 20th minute, but couldn't quite hold out for the win. We played well and frustrated the Norwich attackers, 17 of their 26 shots were from long range and their goal came after we had made several defensive substitutions. We went unbeaten in the two friendlies I expected to lose, if we can beat Chester in a week we'll have had a very, very successful pre-season.




Wrexham 1-1 Norwich City



Please, take him! I'll throw in train fare! I've lowered my asking price to £1,000, pretty soon I'll literally be giving him away.

At Chester, July 23, 2016
Cross-Border Derby


: “This is our last friendly, against a lower division opponent. I want to see a good performance to start us off right for the season.”

Starting Formation: 4-5-1 Attacking
Starting 11: Al-Beloushi, Thomas, Reid, Todd, Smissen, Kadhim, Cobb, Bailey, Coulson, Franks, Harrison.
Subs: Higgs, Peters, Ashton, Lewis, poole, McCarthy, Sinclair, Jenkins, Netala, Price, Morgan, Spilsbury

Did they even listen to me? We spend the first hour of the game beating our head against Chester's defense, and only manage to give me a headache. I change out most of the starters, hoping to get a spark, but instead Chester breaks through in the 69th minute, and then goes up by two in the 83rd. The team rallies to score twice at the death, but it's still a draw against a team we should have brushed off like gnats.




Chester 2-2 Wrexham



That's unexpected. Team USA beat both Qatar and Germany(!) in their group.



With McGuinness gone I choose William Harrison as our vice-captain. He's the obvious choice. With 15/15 determination/leadership and a lot of playing time there's no one who has better qualifications for the job. Simpson remains team captain, he's been great at it.




Finally. Bah is heading to France to play for a second division team there. I wish him all the best, and move him from the “selling” portion of my excel spreadsheet to the “sold” region. The players we've released or sold this offseason amount to just under £13,000 a week in wages. We made £220,000 on our sales, which is pure profit considering we paid zero transfer fees for those players. Our additions total £5,300 a week, and I feel that they're better players than what we've lost, so we've improved the team while saving £400,000 a year in salary.



As Bah leaves we fill our final hole.

Gary Tench
Right Back


Tench will share time with Thomas. Like the Ashton and Smisson combination on the other side of the field, Tench and Thomas give us both offensive and defensive options at the position. Expect to see Thomas against weaker teams or when we're at home and Tench when we're facing stronger offenses.



It's the morning of July 30th, and we're hours away from the start of our second season in League Two. I'm looking forward to it being our final season here. The prediction contest this year will be “how many points do we take this season?” Tiebreaker will be the number of wins. Submissions will be open until the posting of Chapter Three.