Part 11: Monologuing and the Modern Villain.

_{(It's morning/early afternoon somewhere, dammit.)}

Update #10: Monologuing and the Modern Villain.

You'll recall we were just at another exit to another set of caves. We were sure this one led to the surface, and the horde fortress.

We were wrong.


Thank god.

Thank goodness. I might have screamed if this was another cave.
Mmm, yes. Does the old lungs a world of good.
...
How long were we down there?
A bit over a week, by my reckoning.
Fuck.
Punchy woman is angry! Urggzob thinks this is healthy!
I got used to it being decently warm down there. Damn damn damn.
Nevermind your frosty nethers now, woman. Here comes trouble.





Is good! Urggzob gets to CRUSH huge men with capes!
Those, uh, those are pelts, Urggzob.
Fine! Urggzob gets to crush huge pelts with capes. Happy, little man?
...never better.



Well, that was a nice little scrap, lads. Who's up for a spot of rest before we carry on?
Isn't that a bad idea?
We're in the middle of a fortress we haven't scouted which is full of orcs and goblins that want to kill us. It's an awful idea.
Pish! You're knackered, aren't you Urggzob?
Urggzob does not know what that word means.
See, he agrees. See you after a few hours' shut-eye.



...that should not have worked.
The gods must hate me, because they refuse to smite this bastard no matter how dumb he gets.
We're supposed to destroy this place, right? Shouldn't we get on with that?


Taking no more than ten steps, we find ourselves attacked on all sides and spread apart. These are the same forces that let us sleep for sixteen hours uncontested.


...and would do so again.

I seriously think we might want to stop tempting fate like this.
Urggzob loves to be fresh for his crushings!
Urggie, honey...you're a lot of things, but fresh isn't one of them.
Maybe fresh as in "a departure from the norm."
Mmm...well, maybe.
No one listens to me. Does anyone even hear me?
Your incessant whining makes the spell-casting community as a whole look weak and unappealing.
Of course you hear me. Who would mock me if you weren't here?
I would.


Looking south, we see the exit to the fort. Amazingly, nine days of spelunking got us about fifteen feet from where we already were. Still, the task unfinished, we don't leave just yet.


...but we do step inside just in time to be harassed by an old orc.

We're being taunted by an elderly orc, aren't we?
He's also trying to whack me with his cane. I'm sure this is one of those things we'll look back on and laugh at.
Urggzob does not mind destroying annoying old man!
Precisely, Pip. We'll all look back on Urggzob slaughtering the elderly and laugh.


We open the door to go inside, but...

Is anyone else suddenly having difficulty seeing? And moving?
Yep!
Uwaaah! Even Urggzob knows that this makes no sense!


Yeah. Cutscene attack.

But we learned much from it!


As the blue demon-lady teleports away, I can't help but wonder what they thought of our party standing not twenty feet away.

They were kidding, weren't they? They had to be. Putting one on to fool us.
They seemed pretty sincere about it.
I refuse to believe the leader of the army that nearly destroyed the ten-towns is THIS FUCKING STUPID.
I say let him. Makes life easier for us, one thing these savages certainly haven't been doing enough of.
Guys, the warlord is still standing there.
Urggzob is ready to crush stupid warlord!



I still don't think he notices us, Urggzob.
NO! Cowardly stupid will fight Urggzob! DO YOU HEAR ME, LITTLE GIRL?



He didn't, but I think these guys did.
Fine! Urggzob will kill a whole fort full of little girls if he has to!
Good thinking, chap. Stupid bloody children deserve what's coming.
That's not what he--never mind.


We pull them back a ways to limit their attacks, and eventually destroy them all.


After stepping out for a quick R&R session...

This is absurd.
What is, dude?
While we were sleeping, they had someone come into the entryway, remove the bodies, clean up the blood, and neatly arrange all of the possessions from the dead folks in piles on the ground.
Sounds like they've got a mighty good janitor.
Sounds like you're right!
But it's--
Dammit, sissy! Why do you whine even when good things happen to you?
...I can't answer that.


Stepping around a bend, we come toe-to-toe with a few more baddies...

...as well as the warlord, who was almost certainly in earshot of our last fight. Any rate, we get our fight on without worrying the details TOO much.


And Clobberella promptly lands a stunning blow on the boss.

Wow, Clobby! Did you punch him on the chi something or other?
Actually, I just punched him in the nuts.
Oh. Ooooh. That makes sense.
You've got a good idea with the chi-punching, though. I'll look into that.
Sometimes that woman terrifies me.
Well, such are creatures with breasts.



Hey guys, look! I can turn into a wolf buddy now!
Aaaaagh! Urggzob will crush weird talking doggy when he is done with girly orcs!
No, Urggzob! Bad barbarian!



There, warlord is dead. Where are stupid crying little girls who don't want Urggzob to fight puppies?
Ugh. Just don't kill the dog, Urggzob.
Urggzob will do as he pleases!
I'd hate to have to use my "chi-punch" on you, Urggzob.
...Urggzob's future children have decided against rash action this time.
Thanks, Clobberella!
Stop talking in dog-form. It weirds me out.


We come across some chefs...


Mmm, fantastic. Best way to take care of the kitchen, if I do say so.
You fool! This fort's made of wood! You might have burned the whole thing down and trapped us inside!
True, but--
Hey, just wondering: Why didn't we do that when we were outside? Y'know, spare us all that fighting?
...
What? What's wrong?
I hate everything, sometimes.


We continue to clear out the fort, braving such dangers as: Gas traps!


Urggzob does not mind puny gasses!

Pansy sorcerers who cast web and then die, leaving me to twiddle my thumbs while the spell wears off!


This...is dreadfully embarassing. I can't move at all.
I know what you mean, man.
Ooh, sticky! Looks like fun!
...just no, Pip. My brain's not ready for that kind of assault.

Dead prisoners!


Pansies.

And last but not least, live prisoners!


Urggzob, no!
Hah! Urggzob plays joke on all of you little ones!
It's amusing, in a sad, twisted way.


So, we lead this fella out of there. This leads us on an entirely uninteresting trek out of the fort...



...and back to the entrance of the area.

This entire soirée was a bit disappointing.
Yeah. Too many caves, not enough hot springs.
Pip, I...I hate to be the one to say this, but that makes no sense and is an entirely unreasonable thing to expect from our adventuring.
Oh, but a lad can dream, can't he?
Hey, sissy. What's this thing that ranger gave us?
Lemme see...



Pip? You want it?
What? Oh, no. My bow's much better.


And so, we head back to town, having disposed of the orc threat. For now.


We proceed to squeeze the small town for every penny they have.


Whatever happened to "virtue is its own reward," Heronius?
Virtue doesn't buy me a new mansion in Neverwinter and keep me neck-deep in prostitutes.
I became suddenly ill at that image.
Hush, you. We're talking about man things now.


Telling Ulbrec seems to be asking for pain, because up to now he's just given us progressively crazier missions.

We immediately tell Ulbrec.


Yay, we get to go in a baloon!
I'm afraid of hights.
Napalm, you use your fire crap on that zepplin and we're all dead, got it?
Lighter-than-air gasses make me a bit sick.
Pah, like I'd do something to get myself killed.
Gnome engineers terrify me.
Urggzob will be death from above now!
High altitudes give me a headache.
Are you okay, Krusky?
Peachy. _{And stop calling me that.}