Part 13: Shine on, crazy diamonds

The gods themselves must have it out for me this update. I have surrendered a small part of my soul and a noticably larger part of my finances towards getting things up and running again.

I get halfway through the update and my cat discovers the power switch, and goes wild.

I shall prevail.

Update #12: Shine on, crazy diamonds

When we left our party freakin' ages ago last update, Clobberella was in critical condition and getting worse. Let's resume.

Guys...what're we gonna do?
I thought you were our healer, Marty.
I used up my spells after all those annoying beetles.
What about that rock? The one we gave Captain Yurst?



You'll recall Captain Yurst died thirty seconds after he got his hands on it.
Yeah. Maybe if we--
That wasn't a complaint. Who has it?
Urggzob does.
Whozat?



Little girls cannot have Urggzob's rock. It is special.
Just for a minute? Tell you what, we'll get you some nice new armor if you let her hold it for a bit.
...fine. This time.



Guh...ow. OW. What just happened?
You punched some werewolves then tried to kill Heronius and bled a lot!
What? No, that's not possible.
Witnesses suggest otherwise.
You misunderstand me. If I tried to kill you, you'd be dead by now.



This is a bit awkward.
Hey, Kruskrak?
Yes, Marty?
Will Clobberella turn into a werewolf now?
I'm not--
Wouldn't surprise me. She's enough of a bitch already.
I will gut you with your own femurs.
Where is Urggzob's armor!?
Here you go.



Ahh, good armors! Urggzob does not care for the color, though.
I bet I've got some paint somewhere!
NO! Urggzob will paint this armor with the blood of his foes!


Crisis averted, we scurry towards the Druid village once again. Napalm tries to sweet-talk his way in.

He is met with the predictable cold-shoulder.

Stupid bloody savages. This is why no one likes druids.
Hey man, I--
Gaaah, Urggzob will fix your puny little problems!



What's going on? Why is he not killing everything?
Maybe he's finally learning...?
Maybe he's been struck on or about the head one too many times.
Looks like they're taking him somewhere...


Urggzob, unknowingly, has stumbled into a bona fide horror: A cutscene.


...meanwhile...


Got any sixes?
Go fish.
What is taking him so long?
He can't have gotten in a fight. We'd have heard it by now.
Did they kill him, do you think? I'll take any bets. Two to one.
If that's the case, then I'll not waste my time around here any more. If--



Hello again.
Damn damn damn.
Urggzob...what just happened?
Urggzob is not sure. There was a dragon lady that killed the cat lady and then pushed Urggzob off a ledge. She must have been afraid of Urggzob.
Can we go through the village? Tell me that much at least.
Aces?
Go fi--
WE'RE LEAVING.

And so, our heroes stride through town. Amazingly, they do this without killing everyone, as has really become their standard lately.




Due east of the druid settlement is an ice fortress. Not the most subtle of villainous hidouts, sure, but being a villain is clearly not about being low key.



WHAT did those filthy roustabouts just call me?
They called you a hatched--
I know what they said, Pip. I'm just bloody incredulous is all.
Wait, dudes! I hear something!
What now?





Sounds like...a red-colored man just broke out of a prison cell and shanked a guard.
You're a loony.



I take that back. Any rate, we've got company, so I'll have to wonder how you figured that out later.



Ua ha ha ha! Crushing time for Urggzob!
Ahh, a pleasant little scrap. Nothing a fireball won't mop up right quick.
No!!





See? Not so bad as all that.
...Mr. Napalm, this is an ice fortress. I'd really rather you didn't melt the whole thing around us.
Actually, that'd probably make our jobs much easier.



TOO LATE ALL THE LITTLE MEN ARE DEAD.
Hmm, yes. Not a moment too soon, either; I hurt everywhere remotely important.
Ow. Is this a rib?
Poking out of your chest? Yeah, looks like a rib.
Can you fix him?
Not in winter wolf form, I can't. No thumbs.
This pain is astounding.
SWEET MOTHER OF TYR, what is that thing?



Aieee! Super-mega-giant bug!
Fuckin' run!
Urggzob does not--
COME ON!


And so, we flee like the near-dead lot of cowards we are.



Why are you people stopping? We've only gone about twenty feet!
Giant bug is not following. Must be afraid of Urggzob!
That's...really strange. I suggest we get patched up as soon as possible and then deal with that monstrosity, though.


So, fresh and ready for action, our party walks the couple of strides towards the horrible monster.




Aaaaack! Bloody thing nearly bit me in half!
Hah!
NOBODY bites Heronius Napalm V, esq. in half! It's unheard of! Die in flames!





Wow. I'm amazed we emerged from that unscathed.
Excuse me?
Urggzob wants to FIGHT giant bugs, not watch giant bugs roll over and give up!
Are you all daft? I'm down half a torso here!
Maybe I can--
No you can't. Still a dog.
Oh yeah. I forget sometimes.
I hate you all. I feel as though being crushed in the jaws of a giant ice-bug has opened up avenues of power previously untapped, though...still, I'll have no more of it.



Oops, wait. There's another one.
HELL AND DAMNATION!



There! How do you like that? WALLS OF FIRE WILL DESTROY YOU AND EVERYONE YOU CARE ABOUT, BUG!
I'm consistently disappointed by these things. Are they supposed to...I dunno, do anything?
They are very good at being underwhelming and making Urggzob disappointed.

Threats dealt with, we proceed to investigate the ghostly guardians of this place and then ransack the holy sites.


It's very generous calling those things automatons. They're really more like 'creepy floating helmets and weapons.'
Says the creepy talking dog.
I don't know if we should pillage this place, though...
Huh. Interesting...



Give to Urggzob!
What? No, you're a savage with no sense of taste! This is a fine article, meant to be enjoyed--
GIVE TO URGGZOB.
By all means, enjoy.


Just around the corner are Captain Yurst's men, presumably. They're all horribly dead.


Maybe...can 'Ronius thaw 'em out?
No, then they'd be burned to death on top of being frozen to death.
Pip, please never encourage Napalm to use fire on things.


A ways into the fortress, we run across a Crystal Golem.


Hm. This...will be difficult.
Urggzob loves a challenging crush!
Even so--
Ooh! Ooh! I can help! Let me blow my Man-Horn!
Pip...we appreciate how flexible you are, but this is hardly the time--
Watch!



...you just summoned a bunch of barbarians. With a horn.
Yep! I've always wanted a group of big, sweaty men to do my bidding!
Stop talking before I need to set fire to my own brain.


And so, we fight.


And fight.


And FINALLY the damn thing goes down.


Wow. Who'd have thought it'd be immune to everything except blunt objects?
That is a SILLY weakness!
Yeah, really. I would think weak against something...less common would be handy.
Like "weak against the power of dance"?
...yes. Just like that.



My power is growing greater with every passing day. I only wish my tolerance for fools did the same.
Yeah, and your tolerance for my fists in your kidneys.
That would be nice.



Urggzob laughs at grievous wounds and slaughters without hesitation! HE IS MIGHTY!



The secrets of the self and the presence of the self in the greater workings are becoming more apparent. Slowly, sure, but they're there.
Ooh, fun! I love secrets!
You love a lot of things, Pip. Let's just leave it at that.



I think maybe I should try to be better at keeping everyone in one piece.
Gods, yes. Enough of this "running around as a weird talking dog" nonsense.
But I like dogs...



I've learned a lot. Not gonna lie. I just wish maybe I had more of an impact on my fellows; they're...trouble, sometimes.



I've gotten tons of songs written already. And a couple of poems, and I even drew a pretty picture the other day. This is fun!
What about almost dying several times?
Not so fun. But if I don't think about it for long enough, it never happened!
Wow. That's...magical.